Bad Random Life Tips.

[mnbreastluver]

Take a deep breath before choking on your food so that there's more air in your lungs to push it out when someone gives you the Heimlich.

 

[Jada59]

If you are intoxicated and get pulled over, get out of the car and chug a bottle of liquor before the cop gets out of the car. They can't prove if you got drunk before you started driving, or after you drank the liquor.

Better still, get the cop drunk!

 

[mnbreastluver]

Better still, get the cop drunk!

Lol

Annoyed of getting random erections during the day and in public? Always carry a condom on you. When you get a random boner, just put the condom on and your dick will go soft instantly!

 

[stickygirl]

Feeding kids is hard work, but science can provide a solution

https://64.media.tumblr.com/b301edfaa5898ec69d5de7c3816b4c52/tumblr_omk8jywVJ21w6rgwbo1_500.gifv

 

[mnbreastluver]

If you have to drive drunk, do so from the passenger seat. If pulled over, just sit there.

 

[Mrtenant]

If you are stringing lights on the roof of your house, use a trampoline to get way up high

 

[mnbreastluver]

Want your own bacteria farm? Don't flush your toilet for a month!

 

[mnbreastluver]

Before going out to the bar with friends, remember to designate a drunk driver. Everyone can pitch in to pay for this person's drinks in return for the risk he or she assumes by driving everyone home afterward.

 

[mnbreastluver]

The fastest and cheapest way to childproof your house is to wrap a thin layer of latex around your dick before sex.

 

[stickygirl]

If you're worried your kids may be responsible for teenage pregnancies, have them sterilised at birth

 

[mnbreastluver]

Kidney stones hurt because they are covered in tiny spikes. Push a round tube of sandpaper up your urethra to smooth them for easy passing.

 

[VoraciousValue]

If you're on a movie date with your girlfriend, show her how she gets you by coming all over her popcorn.

 

[LikeableMe]

If you're often too lazy to wash the dishes after you eat, wash them before you eat instead. Always get the unpleasant tasks out of the way first.

I live with someone who actually does this! Thinks the sink is some kind of storage for dirty dishes! Washes them, uses them, then pops them straight back in until they are needed again. Drives me nuts!

 

[mnbreastluver]

If your kids want to stay up and see Santa, tell them that he eats the kids who see him to keep the tradition alive.

 

[stickygirl]

Wear a GoPro when you cycle on the roads. That way your loved ones can watch your moment of death over and over.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If you’re getting a last meal while on death penalty, just ask to eat the electric chair. That way you won’t die.

 

[VoraciousValue]

If you're looking for a cheap retirement home, buy a property in a bad neighborhood. Kicking out the crackheads can be fun and profitable!

 

[mnbreastluver]

Eating raw chicken is an easy and all natural way to shed all those extra holiday pounds.

 

[stickygirl]

If you're cooking a Christmas cake and want to be fair to everyone, cut the six pence into small pieces and sprinkle on as extra icing

 

[mnbreastluver]

Don’t adopt a child on National Adoption Day! Wasn’t until the day after for deep discounts on returned children.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Go up to someone in a restaurant and tell them to close their eyes and think of a playing card. While their are doing this, eat as much food as possible then run away.

 

[mnbreastluver]

If you share a bedroom with someone else wear headphones so they don’t hear you masturbating.

 

[mnbreastluver]

Get put on the do not call list of spammers by asking what color panties they are wearing, are they shaven, do they put lotion on their skin, etc. Don’t answer any of their questions.

 

[OxfordJack]

to save buying and address book and writing in all those friends...get a telephone directory and cross out all the people you don't know!

 

[mnbreastluver]

When someone breaks up with you just say Nope then you are still together.