Bad Random Life Tips.

If you are upset and feel like you need to cry but can't, go to the closest gas station and look at the prices. it will make you cry.
 
If you suffer sexual abuse you will find the police are the best people to tell and find support
 
See a little kid in a karate uniform? Physically attack him/her to test if they can really defend themselves. It's a teaching moment and also their parents will appreciate the outside support.
 
If you see someone choking, make sure to get their consent before you give them the Heimlich.

Then they can't try to sue you for sexual harassment after.
 
Slap anyone who says something that pisses you off. It's a great way to make friends!
 
Tell your partner you can only get off by pretending to be asleep and never do any of the work in bed ever again.
 
Add "LMAO" to the end of everything you post.

If people get offended you can claim it was a joke and they're too sensitive with no sense of humor.
 
Eat the red peppers in kung pao chicken. They aren't that hot.
 
If you accidentally emergency pocket dial 911, stay on the line. Do not hang up. You might make a new best friend.
 
Only use the loo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid.
 
Place a circle of stones on your front lawn. Dance round them naked without fear of arrest because you have religious freedoms
 
When fitting a femidom, use two fingers to push it in as far as you can and see if your boyfriend can avoid gagging.
 
When fucking your girlfriend, go as fast as you can; she'll come sooner and leave you the rest of your evening free
 
Boyfriend's prick smell of fish? A splash of vinegar or ketchup will make it more appetising
 
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