Bad news... please read.

[MusclesBaby]

*takes deep breath* Feather and I have some bad news that she wanted me to share with you. This isn't easy for me to say.. or even type but... Feather asked me to tell you guys. She says you're very close friends, and this is something she wants to tell you.

Here goes.... Feather was raped.

It happened a week ago this past Wednesday, after one of her college classes. It ends late, and the guy followed her to her car. She hasn't been able to say much about what happened, but she says she didnt' see the guy. Therefore, the son of a bitch hasn't been caught.

*sighs* Now that that's said, I have a favor to ask all of you. Both of us need your help. Feather needs all the support she can get, and I need to know how to help her. Talking with Xander has helped, but have any of you been in this position before?

I'll pass all the good threads to her, and keep your help to me just between us. Thanks for your understanding.

MB

 

[Xander]

Always here to help you two. Just name it.

 

[LittleRedDevil]

I've never been in her situation, but if she needs an ear, I have two good ones that are listening.

 

[KillerMuffin]

I've been there. It's awful.

The best thing you can do is get her to counseling, yourself as well. Everyone reacts differently to rape, and the best way to help her through it is to have both of you get counseling. There should also be rape crisis centers in the area that can help you. Contact one of them and you can get names of cheap or free counselors, information, and support groups. We're great, we love ya'll, but we can't substitute for a living breathing been there shared the pain can give you a hug human being.

 

[Styphon]

Dearest Feather

I hope you are surrounded by the love of friends and family. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

God Bless and comfort you, Feather...

Styphon

 

[MusclesBaby]

Thanks for your support guys. I'll pass that on to Feather.

Thanks, Muffin for your advice to me. I'll look into the support groups.

LRD, thank you for saying that. I'm sure Feather will take you up on your offer, so... *w*

Again, thanks everyone. I guess I'm just as a loss as to what I personally can do for her...

Once again, Xander, I'll be pestering your IM.

MB

 

[Iris]

Don't really know what to say. I was assaulted once but not actually raped, and that was traumatic enough. Just wish her my best, OK? If either of you need an ear: OneIris@literotica.org

 

[CreamyLady]

Counseling, and talking it all out -- feelings, atmosphere, facts. Don't bury anything. That kind of pain doesn't disappear with time. Instead, it festers. The more she can get out now -- the more YOU can get out now -- the easier it will be later on.

I'm so sorry, and I, too, will listen if either of you needs to vent.

 

[Artemis' Nightingale]

oh by the Lady...

*offers Feather a hug* how is all i can think to say... i don't know anyone here but i hope with all my heart that you heal. a bit of advice is to sleep with a teddy bear or something that you used a child. it helped me...

mayhaps this would help as well. when i was a child of nine years i was molested by someone i though i could trust and it was a terrible experience. just remember that there are people who love you and some who might even live for you, so you've got to believe in them and it becomes much easier.

May the Lady watch over you, for rape is a terrible thing, and one of few that will send me into a bloodrage. *bows with tears in her eyes*

 

[Nicole]

Muscles Baby I have never been there, so as far as that is concerned I can't help.

BUT ... I can offer my thoughts and best wishes to the two of you. Talk and be there when she needs you there, unfortunately there will be times that she doesn't even want to see you, but try to understand that is nothing against you, just what has happened.

I wish you both the best of recoveries, although it is something that will be with you always. My thoughts are with the two of you right now.

 

[MusclesBaby]

Thanks, Nicole, Nightingale. I'll pass your hug to her, even if only in thought rather than action. Seeing as she won't let me touch her just yet, it'll have to wait.

I know it's nothing against me, and I completely understand why she flinches when I try to touch her... It's just that I'm the type of person that gives comfort through touches and hugs. I'm trying to adapt to the situation, but everytime she recoils from me, I just wanna find the fucker and kick his ass.

Maybe impossible I know, but I'm not exactly someone with the coolest temper. I close my eyes, and I see different scenarios of what could have happened to her. And all I want to do is put my fist through a damn wall. I can't do that to her though, and I won't. I just don't know what else to do...

We've obviously taken time off from our dancing, and I don't want to leave her by herself for more than an hour at a time. Working out, going running.. all my venting places need me to take more time to work through my anger. Technically, I could just for an hour, but it won't help. Experience has told me I need more time to work off the energy.

I just wish I could find something else to get rid of this. I know she sees it and feels it, and I don't know what to do to keep it from her. God knows, she doesn't need me adding to her problems...

Sorry.. just venting...

MB

 

[genderbender]

Good luck with this tragic situation

You've already begun the healing process by reaching out for help. As others have said, sharing the experience and getting support will help immensely. KillerMuffin's suggestions are right on. People who experience trauma have the best possibility to move on with their lives if those who support them, both friends and professionals can help them see that what happened wasn't their fault. It will take time to learn to trust experience once again and all those of you who care for her can provide is continuing patience and understanding. Sometimes our impatience pushes us to expect too much of the person contending with the after effects of trauma. Kindness is called for.

I'll also mention a wonderful book called the "Sexual Healing Journey," by Wendy Maltz which offers gentle support and guidance for both the survivor and his or her spouse. Eliana Gil has also written two books that speak to sexual trauma. They're both excellent. The first is called "Outgrowing the Pain." The second offers support for the partner of the person who experienced the trauma. That book is called "Outgrowing the Pain Together."

Finally, as a footnote, there's a therapeutic treatment that is especially useful for working with trauma that Feather might wish to seek out at some time. Its called EMDR, which stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. That's a mouthful! A counselor skilled in using this technique can help Feather to re-visit the trauma in a way that it can be released. I used it during my own healing from rape I experienced decades earlier as a little boy. It was very powerful and gave me relief I hadn't found through years of therapy and spiritual practice. Good luck to you both.

[Edited by genderbender on 03-02-2001 at 02:35 PM]

 

[KillerMuffin]

The Post traumatic shock disorder is gonna be killer to live with. It's going to make her do things that you'll not be able to understand. It may go away, it may not. It depends. One thing that she can do that will help her feel powerful, get back the control over herself that he stole from her, is to get her into self defense classes. If she can feel powerful, that will help alot. She is probably not wanting to go out by herself very much either. You'll also have to learn to let her go. You'll turn into a crutch for her pretty quickly and she'll eventually resent you for constantly babysitting her. You can't protect her 24/7. You can't live her life.

Rape isn't about sex, it's about power. When he raped her he took her power from her, her control. He still has it now. This is all mental, you know. She is letting him have it, and there isn't much she can do right now, because she's afraid and has every right to be. She has to relearn how to go outside and not think there is a rapist behind every tree waiting for her. This will take time and as time passes she'll feel less a victim and more like she has her power and control back. Now, rape can become a crutch, it can be a way of life even if she's never raped again. It can become a crutch for you as well.

It's pretty sad, but if I was ever raped again I would never tell anyone. Because the StudMuffin might find out and the last thing I need is for him to go charging around looking for someone to murder heinously. It's pathetic because his anger and his affrontry would take his support away from me when I need it the most. Of course, being the way I am, if I was ever raped again, I would be the one plotting to murder someone heinously.

 

[SteamyChik]

I'm so sorry. Just let her know that all the emotions she is having and going to have are OK and you will be there for her no matter what. Sometimes you might be the aim of her pain, her cries, her anger, her frustration and even her fear. Be there. It takes a long time to heal and you never forget. Like others said, get counseling. Healing thoughts aimed your way...

Steamy

 

[alexander tzara]

I don't know either of you but I'm so sorry to hear about this. I hope you're both able to work through it together and later on with the help of trained counsellors when it's not still too raw.

If you can't do your usual things for getting all your anger and energy out, both of you could try keeping a journal where you can write any of the thoughts that come into your head - no matter how nasty or painful. Keep these to yourselves. Don't show them to each other or anyone else. Their your own personal confessionals. Write in them as though your ranting and raving to a very close friend - someone who's willing to listen to anything you say without being judgemental.

Take care both of you.
alex

 

[Starfish]

Make it go away, Impower yourself

Feather, love,

I have been assaulted, with attempted rape, and I guess it counts as rape, because he got inside me, but someone came running when they heard me scream and scared him off. I want to tell you, that 10 years later, I am a happily married, well adjusted woman, because I never took it as deeply personally as he had intended it to be, and this was a case of targeted assault. (he had been at the same party and verbally abused me in the house, and when I went out to leave he followed and attacked me.

I did get a bit of councelling, and so should you, but what got me out and over the pain was instilling in myself that who I am can not me taken from me through forced sex. I gave nothing away against my will. I only give myself to people I love, so he got nothing. A lot of people express who they are, to the ones they love, through their sexuality, but that isn't all of who we are. You, love, are much more, and those who love you will always love you for those things, and he got NONE of you, not even parts of you that don't matter, unless you let him have them.

If you experiance 'dirty' or 'unclean' feelings, they way I could rid myself of them was to remember that someone can't be a part of you if you won't let them. It is all in how deal with it. I actually found relief from the internal 'dirty' feelings by douching and while I did allow that to symbolize regaining my purity. I just believed that I flushed every trace of him out of me, and it worked. If that doesn't help, Do Not Accept Those Feelings, and allow him to victimize you further. Go get other help. I guess in the long run, if you let yourself sink deeply into the pain, the more you give the bastard.
You are worth far more than that.
My heart is with you at this time of pain and sadness
Love, Gretchen

 

[Ksss]

Hugs to the two of you. I have never been in a situation as this, and hope to never be. It irks me when people enter chat with the concept that rape is fantasy. Rape is anything but that. I hope you both get counseling to help you through this difficult time. My thoughts and prayers are with the two of you.

 

[bluntforcemama]

Oh, Baby, I'm so sorry to hear that you and Feather are in pain. You really should see if you can get her into some sort of counseling, or maybe if you just know someone else who's gone through the same thing, you might encourage them to talk. I know what it's like, it comsumes you to the point of not being able to function, every waking moment is filled with the thought, and when you wake up in the morning, it's the first thing that pops into your mind, and you wonder if you'll ever breathe again without that terrible moment in your head. You wonder if you can go on with your life, if you're going to die soon and be free from the pain. I have scars to prove it... it's not worth it. It seems like it at the time, when all you can taste is fear and your tears, everything in the world reminds you of it: the shows on TV, wondering if any one of them has been what you've been through, the people walking down the street, "what the hell are they looking at?" you ask yourself, and you wonder if they can tell. You don't want anyone to look at you, you don't want to leave your house or sanctuary. You don't want anyone to know, not even your own mother, because you don't want someone to even think that you've been in that position, helpless and degraded and humiliated. You WILL get past it, believe me, I know it seems like it's impossible now, but hang on to hope, because it will come back to you, and you will live again, I promise... if you just hang on. You guys find that bastard... and I'll kill him - I've got a gold stiletto knife with an 8-inch blood groove that's thirsty for him.

[Edited by Myst on 03-02-2001 at 06:33 PM]

 

[CRaZy]

I have been there and everything KillerMuffin said is true. It takes about two years to recover from any major shock and this indeed fits that category. The only way I started to heal was when I eventually went to a counsellor who took a hard line. All rape is power and there is no "better" way to be raped. Nonetheless, my counsellor pointed out that there are women who suffer incredible physical injuries as part of the violence of rape. If Feather only has mental scars (and it sounds that way) then she has an excellent opportunity to win by not letting the rapist inside her head. My sympathy and thoughts for peace go out to Feather. Nonetheless, at this point I am also worried about you. Look after yourself and make sure you have support mechanisms for yourself. You are going to need all your strength over the next few months. You won't be able to help if you are edgy and run down as well.

Don't alow Feather to wallow. Make her carry on with her everyday routines as much as possible whilst still being there to listen when she needs it. Some days, of course, she simply may not be able to put on that brave face for the world. I am a fan of visualisation as a healing therapy - visualising all your black thoughts then throwing them away. There are several alternative therapies which cross over into this technique, including kinaesiology. Everything helps. Good luck.

[Edited by CRaZy on 03-02-2001 at 06:39 PM]

 

[His Whimsicality]

I´m very sorry to hear about that. My (very theoretical) advice:

1) Don´t dwell on it. If an idiot does or says something completely stupid, the best thing is to try to ignore it and not waste your brain-cells on that person - he´s not worth it.

2) As strange as it may sound - but think of him as a victim, not of you (told you it´s theoretical, but might work). After all he must have missed on quite a lot of basic things if he´s able to rape somebody, perhaps if you can picture him as even worse off than you are now, then it was 'just' the deed of someone very desperate/unsocial/whatever you want to call it.

3) Self defence classes are a very good idea, gives you a lot of confidence and security.

 

[Isolde]

Ok here goes and I hope sharing this with Feather will help her know she is not alone. I was assualted and I know who it was. It was my grandfather and I was 14 years old.

It was horrible and keeping it inside just destroyed me. You cant do that Feather...it wont help in the least. Just know that there are friends around willing to listen to you and help you through this. And use that. Talk it out no matter if you feel you are making any sense about your feelings or not. Your friends wont care about anything other than the fact that you need them.

My grandfather was never taken to task an any way and I think that hurt more than anything else. He died this year and for the first time I felt a release but it doesnt have to be that way for you. Dont let him rule your life. He wins if you do. Go on in spite of him being the wonderful person you must be to have such loyal and loving friends.

I hope you all the best and you will be in my prayers.

 

[CheekyGal]

Oh geeze, that's terrible news! I don't even know what to say, much less any advice to offer. Take care of yourself as well as taking care of Feather. Be strong...*lotsa hugs* for both of you!

 

[Blackbich]

Give Feather a hug from me, first off, and tell her she's in my prayers. Okay (big breath), here's what I have to say. What I saw on the board all seemed to be good advice - I just had to respond before I could get through them all. Tell Feather she NEEDS to talk to someone...professional, support group or even an understanding friend. And know that it's going to be just as hard for you as for her so you're going to need to talk to someone also! The sooner the better for both of you. I was raped in high school - it's something you NEVER get over, you just learn to live with it. I never told anyone or talked to anyone about it until I was 20 something. Fortunately I finally got ahold of a good counselor and got my head mostly straight. She's going to be going through alot of emotional stuff. I've just recently stopped taking hour long hot showers trying to scrub myself clean and looking in my closet and under the bed for the boogie man. My case was a friend that wasn't a friend. Everyone reacts differently but I think the less time this is held in, the better it will be for her. My e-mail address is AllUKanEat@webtv.net if you guys want to talk, okay?

 

[Cheyenne]

I have nothing to add for advice, I'd be as lost as you are right now if it were me. What the others have said all sounds good to me. Add my hug to the pile you are taking to Feather, please.

 

[Neale]

Alas, I have no wealth of sage wisdom to offer. My love and support, however, do go out to you both. Know you are in my thoughts, as ever.