Back-click triggers

[TheEarl]

Measurements of any kind (height possibly excepted, if there's a reason for it to be known), fucking without any kind of rhyme or reason, nothing interesting or different about any of the characters.

Those are my back-click triggers (inspired by bullet's rant). Thought it'd be useful to collect them so that newbies can see what to avoid.

The Earl

 

[Liar]

Just really boring elocution. I demand a minimum level of flow, wit and style, or I'm out.

 

[impressive]

Repetitive sentence structure. Gross errors of spelling & grammar.

 

[cheerful_deviant]

If this appears anywhere:

"Amy was a blond, her bra size was 36EE, she was 6 foot tall and weighed 110 pounds."

Completly asside from the way the character is clinically described, each of those tits weighs almost 110 pounds.

 

[rgraham666]

Best description I can come up with is, 'it's boring.'

 

[TheEarl]

Best description I can come up with is, 'it's boring.'

There you go newbs. The official advice is "Don't make your stories boring."

You have been warned.

The Earl

 

[cantdog]

I'm not sure that's going to be very helpful, Rob, in The Earl's context. "Advice to writers: 'Don't be boring.'" But you have a point.

I see some writers describing the sex, for example, although it could be any action sequence, in such enormous detail! "With his right he cupped her left breast, while his left..." All with many expressions of time: as, while, began to, but not for long, after twenty seconds. The sex (or what-have-you) moves at a glacial pace, absorbed in its mechanics for the most part, with little gems of description detail or emotional context in the slurry. Would this count, for you?

 

[Guest]

I am annoyed to open a story and find a long paragraph from the author describing how I had better read fourteen other stories so I may adequately understand this particular story.

Nope.

I also shudder when noticing these lovely ellipses . . . . . . over and over again, as they usually accompany the "I'm cummmmiinnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggggg!!!!!!"

Ick.

 

[Guest]

(Good morning, everyone!)

Off for a couple hours - will be back later -

 

[rgraham666]

There you go newbs. The official advice is "Don't make your stories boring."

You have been warned.

The Earl

Sorry Earl.

I'm not the most loquacious person this earlier in the morning.

 

[cantdog]

You're in a good mood. Ought you have a good thunderstorm more often, then?

 

[Guest]

You're in a good mood. Ought you have a good thunderstorm more often, then?

Well, the thunderstorm wasn't the only thing that kept me up last evening, let's say.

 

[Guest]

The story really needs to grab my attention in the first paragraph, the first sentence is even better. Opening with a long description of the scene doesn't do it. Something that gets me wondering what's about to happen is a good winner

Get the characters into the story quickly. Again, skip the long, drawn out descriptions and get them doing something. If the characters and the story aren't drawing me in in a few paragraphs that's usually about it for me.

 

[Belegon]

I think descriptions, esp. measurement as it was put, are a big warning sign for me.

"She was 19, blonde...."

Fuck, give me an idea who she is before what she is... I started one story with a physical description and I keep wanting to go back and change it...

 

[McKenna]

I'm sure Sher will bring this up once she reads this thread, but it bears repeating: Don't ever, ever use the phrase "Wake up, Sleepyhead!"

*groan*



Other ticks:

bad grammar
plot inconsistencies
unbelievable characters
unbelievable sex (unless they are yoga instructors and/or contortionists)
over use of the word "fuck", "cock", "pussy", "cunt" etc. (variety is the spice of life, people!)

Um, that's all I can think of at the moment. Carry on...

 

[TheEarl]

I am annoyed to open a story and find a long paragraph from the author describing how I had better read fourteen other stories so I may adequately understand this particular story.

Nope.

So is that a veto against all author's notes at the beginning of stories, or against ones that tell you that you should read 14 others before this one?

The Earl

 

[sophia jane]

Terrible grammar/spelling. What can I say- I was an English major once upon a time. I can't follow a story if I'm distracted by shitty mechanics.
Overdone, and totally unrealistic, stereotypes

I'm not awake enough to think of any more.

SJ

 

[English Lady]

Measurements, I add my vote in for measurements. I hate reading height,weight, boob/cock size and will be backing out of that story quicker than you can blink if I see it.

I'm pretty lenient with spelling and grammar, my own sucks, so maybe i don't notice it *L*However silly,consistant little things like organism instead of orgasm that just makes the scene dissolve in a giggle fit will put me off, i might read through one, but i don't think I'd get past two. i'd have to give up-well unless it's a humour&satire piece I guess!

unbelieveable characters, massive plot holes,a plot and a sex scene that doesn't gel, repetitive language...all would contribute to a click back.

Oh and any sex scene that goes " i did this and then i did that and afterwards i did the other." I like to see all the senses used and emotions explored.

 

[cloudy]

Stories that are written (it seems) by non-native english speakers that have used babelfish, or some other translation service, then submitted.

"My son is havening a good body...."

 

[impressive]

Stories that are written (it seems) by non-native english speakers that have used babelfish, or some other translation service, then submitted.

"My son is havening a good body...."

Sick lesbians!

 

[cloudy]

Sick lesbians!

no lik my father he real man not like sick lesbians womens

 

[cloudy]

No shit, there's a story here at lit that's exactly what I'm talking about:

"On the breakfast table I told him that we'll go for shopping today."

"He lowered his head and smelled my gel and I could simply tell he liked that. He licked my genital and savoured its taste. I cummed instantly on his face"

Gel?

Only one genital?

and "cummed."

'nuff said.

 

[OhMissScarlett]

The story really needs to grab my attention in the first paragraph, the first sentence is even better. Opening with a long description of the scene doesn't do it. Something that gets me wondering what's about to happen is a good winner

Get the characters into the story quickly. Again, skip the long, drawn out descriptions and get them doing something. If the characters and the story aren't drawing me in in a few paragraphs that's usually about it for me.

I'm one of these first paragraph people too. I buy books this way and if the first paragraph of a Lit story doesn't thrill me, I will click back. I spend a great deal of time obsessing over my own first paragraphs and have been known to rewrite entire first chapters for this reason.

Also, I'm with Rob, don't be boring.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

The Death Squad:
"I thought I'd died and gone to heaven"
"She had ___ to die for."
"She had a ___ that most women would kill for."
All are overused cliches, and the last two are SUBJECTIVE EVALUATIONS

Subjective evaluations:
"The most gorgeous ___ I'd ever seen."
"It was the most ___ I'd ever felt"
"I couldn't believe how ____ it felt!"
(The trouble with subjective evaulations like these is that they tell us how the narrator felt but they don't tell us what things looked or felt like. I have no idea what the most gorgeous pair of tits you've ever seen in your life look like.)

Second-Person Commands
"You can't believe how good it feels as I ____ your ____"
(Telling me what I'm doing in second person is bad enough. Telling me how I'm feeling is intolerable. Why don't I just leave and you can carry on by yourself?)

The Hairy Bush
(I just don't like them. Sounds like they have flies buzzing around them.)

Cute
(I just don't like the word 'cute'. It's a girly word that means babyish. I don;t like babies in my porn.)

Titties, Muff, Bearded Clam, Swizzle Stick, Tushie
(Grow the fuck up.)

I'm 6'2", 190 lbs without an ounce of fat on me because I work out five days a week, have black hair and deep, piercing blue eyes
(I'm so happy for you. Makes me think the piece is written by a guy who's 4'5", 280 lbs with man boobs. Pitiful wish-fulfillment.)

It was a night I'll never forget and its partner, This really happened
(What do I care? If it's a bad story, it's bad whether it happened or not)

 

[Guest]

So is that a veto against all author's notes at the beginning of stories, or against ones that tell you that you should read 14 others before this one?

The Earl

Oh, I don't have a problem with notes from the author. On the contracy, I often enjoy digesting a bit of insightful information before the main course.

I just don't like the forceful nudge directing me toward other works that I may or may not wish to read.

I'm usually aware of the fact it is a sequel; hopefully the title contains that information. But I honestly feel that sequels should be solid stories, able to stand alone. If I have to read six other stories to understand this particular story I am usually not interested.