Baby Domme looking for guidance.....

[~Breathe~]

I came here to read others experiences and ask questions of those more experienced than me...so here be my story so far - please give me feedback - I would like the relationship with my sub to grow further in that direction as we both enjoy it so much....

When I met him almost 12 months ago, I had never been in a top/bottom situation - or so I thought! In hindsight I realise I had been bottom in many relationships in the past but with people who had no idea that it had a label and it was never a two way street. No, I wasn’t abused as such - it was simply a fetish of someone else’s which I placidly agreed to cooperate with. At the time, each time, I simply did not enjoy it. I was of the opinion that sex was about HIM getting off - and that was all that was important. Believe it or not I hadn’t had an orgasm until I was in my 30's, and then it happened so infrequently I forgot how good it was until the next time.

So meeting him, and him bringing me to orgasm the very first night, was special for me - especially being in a marriage where sex was a 6 monthly event! I had been on the prowl at the local pubs and on the internet as my body was screaming for an outlet, so the orgasm came easily when he applied his erotic touches!

He introduced me to shackles, tying me to the bed, blindfolds and pleasurable pain within a matter of weeks. I enjoyed it but had a problem when he asked for the same back - I had never had a male ask me to dominate him - he respected and trusted me to do this to him? I was very taken aback! It took me a few weeks to get used to the idea - not embrace it - just get used to it and he was getting impatient waiting for me to take charge. We are both in managerial roles in our respective work places and our personality’s match those roles - we are both leaders - so it was hard for me to treat him as a subordinate knowing he was not someone used to being dictated to - (which I respect him for) and here he was asking me to 'manage' him!

He is just now starting to receive what he craved, my confidence has been built up (by him at my request) to a point where now I have given him rules to suit me, and I now feel comfortable with the fact that I own him and that he is not allowed to touch himself (and at the moment he is not allowed to look either - as punishment for bratty behaviour yesterday). I enjoy getting him erect, teasing him, and then leaving him. He knows he is not to masturbate, that he will get his release when I want him to. He is very good with that rule (another confidence booster - it works! it really works!). Popping into his place during the day and taking what I want and then leaving abruptly is a new thing I have started which turns me on immensely and he is very obedient although he is uncomfortable with sex during the day. Other things that have made me feel more like a Domme have become favourites, like my 'uniform' - corset, stockings, heels, full makeup, and my paddle which is new and only been used twice, the last time being much more fun, the cock ring he must wear, and just recently - my Valentines day present - a strap on - wow - did that seal the deal for both of us - that one toy has empowered me so much!

I have gone from feeling incapable of dominating a male to looking forward to it and just a few days ago I was chatting to my sub online and we were being extremely polite with each (fun role play) which turned into me being the teacher - very school ma'amish - and telling him it was for his own happiness that he needed to obey and to be trained and that life without his Mistress would be very sad indeed etc etc. He took to it like a fish to water as did I - I dropped everything at work and drove over to his place to continue as I was feeling like I had finally found the right 'attitude' to adopt when we are in our roles, I was very excited!

I got there and I could finally meet him in the eye and speak to him as though he were the sub he wants to be to me - he didn’t answer back, didn’t attempt to control the situation, and although he looked me straight in the eye - he agreed with everything I was telling him (more of the same as our chat) as I played with him and teased him. He has never been so turned on and I had total control but this time it felt RIGHT - perfect even!

So - after 12 months I have finally got my mind set right - but I need help here, how do I keep it going? I have my off days where I just don’t feel like playing, and there are days when I wish I were the sub - or I just want romantic sex (as in gentle and sensual as opposed to erotic and sexual) - I feel I am letting him down when I don’t want to play, and the erodes my confidence as a Domme.

I am aware I am but a baby in the midst of so many experienced Dom/mes however that’s why I’m posting this huge essay - to ask for your guidance so I can keep our D/S relationship growing - I know its my responsibility more so than his and sometimes its daunting!!!

So please - any suggestions would be very welcome..

 

[*curious*]

So - after 12 months I have finally got my mind set right - but I need help here, how do I keep it going? I have my off days where I just don’t feel like playing, and there are days when I wish I were the sub - or I just want romantic sex (as in gentle and sensual as opposed to erotic and sexual) - I feel I am letting him down when I don’t want to play, and the erodes my confidence as a Domme.

So please - any suggestions would be very welcome..

May I respectfully ask why it is exactly that for some reason it isn't okay for you to have days where you get the pleasure of serving him? As far as I am aware there is no rule book which states a Domme may not Bottom, nor a submissive Top- if the persons involved in the relationship agree to such things. Both of your needs are valid; I am confused as to why your desire to occasionally submit or engage in old fashioned romatic intimacy is somehow less important than his need to submit?

 

[~Breathe~]

May I respectfully ask why it is exactly that for some reason it isn't okay for you to have days where you get the pleasure of serving him? As far as I am aware there is no rule book which states a Domme may not Bottom, nor a submissive Top- if the persons involved in the relationship agree to such things. Both of your needs are valid; I am confused as to why your desire to occasionally submit or engage in old fashioned romatic intimacy is somehow less important than his need to submit?

Well thats a good question! I think I am still a submissive in that way because I think I have to be in my Domme role all the time becasue HE wants it - wrong isnt it? This is parto fmy problem - I can't fully get my head around the role - or is that me trying to be a full time Domme? so confusing!

Although now that I think about it he has made comment that he doesnt beleive it would work so well if we were to switch - personally? I would love to!

Do you switch? or turn off the game altogether at times then?

 

[~Blacklace~]

Hello Breathe, welcome

I too am curious, you sound like a switch to me. Of course there are many shades of grey in there. But I dont see why anything would be wrong with you 1. still wanting/needing 'nilla' sex. 2. still needing your sub tendencies fulfilled.
Im very much the dominant one, but that doesnt mean I dont need to be cared for on that level. Perhaps your vision of "Domme' is the unfortunate ball buster stereotype one that the TV shows lol. Not all dominant women are like that. Or treat thier submissives that way all the time. We still need love and tenderness and understanding. How one goes about giving and recieving that is up to you. I rule with a firm but loving hand. I dont beat submission into them. But that doesnt mean I dont like to beat him either!Hmmm perhaps Im blabbering and not making sense, or Im way off the mark here. But I thought Id add my 2 cents

 

[~Breathe~]

Hello Breathe, welcome

I too am curious, you sound like a switch to me. Of course there are many shades of grey in there. But I dont see why anything would be wrong with you 1. still wanting/needing 'nilla' sex. 2. still needing your sub tendencies fulfilled.
Im very much the dominant one, but that doesnt mean I dont need to be cared for on that level. Perhaps your vision of "Domme' is the unfortunate ball buster stereotype one that the TV shows lol. Not all dominant women are like that. Or treat thier submissives that way all the time. We still need love and tenderness and understanding. How one goes about giving and recieving that is up to you. I rule with a firm but loving hand. I dont beat submission into them. But that doesnt mean I dont like to beat him either!Hmmm perhaps Im blabbering and not making sense, or Im way off the mark here. But I thought Id add my 2 cents

Hi Blacklace, thankyou
I do feel more comfortable with the term 'Switch' but I do enjoy being dominant over him - he has a personality which I feel challenged by so it works for me. I do have the stereotype 'uniform' which makes me feel the part and he appreciates it as well but I certainly can't do the ball buster thing! I dominate him with attitude more than anything and he loves the bondage thing so that makes it all that much easier for me. We love each other a lot and spend a lot of time just being friends/companions but he enjoys our roleplay and it seems to be a daily thing lately - so Im missing the romance and gentle side of the relationship - does that mean Im a switch?

I think what I want is to be able to be sub at times (not often) and to be top more often but maybe 40% of the time I just want us to have a 'normal' relationship - although its not as exciting and erotic - its food for the heart and soul that I need - I think its a female thing? (oh that was a dangerous thing to say!)

I dont want him to lose interest - although if he lost interest because I played less than I do now - well then he isnt long term relationship material really....or maybe Im just being a bit lazy (here comes my confusion again!)

Im babbling I know.....basically I appreciate what you are saying and it makes me feel better - makes me feel less like Im letting him down when I dont feel like playing, so thank you

 

[HL55]

If I may lass.....

Hi BD, Am curious as to whether you are a Domme or sub or switch... just a first read of your initial post in this thread is all here not trying to be judgemental here... I have noted over the yrs that subs who have had introductions/experiences similiar to yours spend some time experimenting/studying the Domme role without being truely Domme's, (yes this applies to Doms as well but am keeping in context here with your perpective only, not intending to exclude any possibility here as to gender)... Might I suggest that as you continue your explorations in the lifestyle, that more reading and self introspection to resolve any lingerings or doubt about yourself... As to being in Domme role all the time, NO ONE is able to be in Role 24/7, we all have times when that is not possible whether we are Dom or sub or even switch..... That said a few sites and or groups that I have long had association with which can help you to, a) maintain your current dominant role as sought in this threads theme and to, b) help you in furthering your understanding of your own needs an wants too, whatever they may be Domme or sub or... "The Doms Knowledge Society" and "Dominant Thorns and submissive roses" are two MSN groups that I know to have not only excellent libraries and links to other sites etc, but extrememly knowledgeble and helpfull members who are always willing to help in understanding one's own identity/role, as well as promoting healthy relationships within a D/s BDSM lifestyle no matter whether 'tis an o/l or RL one... Did note one wee bit from a reply, (yes now am going to digestively peruse the entire thread hoping I not too far off the mark here), about your continued desire for "nilla" sex and that's something myself and all others whom I know do still practice and yes want.... The frequency is an individual thing of course and only you can decide, no one ele's opinion should really matter except of course in validating your deire, as it does not make you anyless a Domme or sub or D/ser or BDSMer...... If you like will gladly send you an invite to the groups and plz feel free to PM email or IM me
pax
HL
SS&C
"Courtesy costs you nothing yet gains you everything" Lady M
"I cannot Live without books" T Jefferson

 

[*curious*]

Well thats a good question! I think I am still a submissive in that way because I think I have to be in my Domme role all the time becasue HE wants it - wrong isnt it? This is parto fmy problem - I can't fully get my head around the role - or is that me trying to be a full time Domme? so confusing!

Although now that I think about it he has made comment that he doesnt beleive it would work so well if we were to switch - personally? I would love to!

Do you switch? or turn off the game altogether at times then?

We do not "switch", nor is this a "game" in our relationship. We Love each other. Plain and simple. I am just as likely to do "A" at his request, as I am to ask "B" of him; he is just as likely to do "C" at my request, as ask "D" of me.

Some days we are both terribly busy, or one of us has a cold, or Life happens; these things do not prevent us from feeling Loved and Cherished or meeting each other's needs to the best of our ability every single day.

I suggest that the two of you might need to sit down and discuss your needs in a neutral setting- not as a Domme or a submissive, but as people who care about each other- and see if there is a way to get both of your needs met through a BDSM relationship. (Notice the emphasis on relationship... BDSM or not, it is a relationship at its foundation.)

 

[~Breathe~]

We do not "switch", nor is this a "game" in our relationship. We Love each other. Plain and simple. I am just as likely to do "A" at his request, as I am to ask "B" of him; he is just as likely to do "C" at my request, as ask "D" of me.

Some days we are both terribly busy, or one of us has a cold, or Life happens; these things do not prevent us from feeling Loved and Cherished or meeting each other's needs to the best of our ability every single day.

I suggest that the two of you might need to sit down and discuss your needs in a neutral setting- not as a Domme or a submissive, but as people who care about each other- and see if there is a way to get both of your needs met through a BDSM relationship. (Notice the emphasis on relationship... BDSM or not, it is a relationship at its foundation.)

I appreciate you have your own ideas and things that work for you both however - as I said previously "We love each other a lot and spend a lot of time just being friends/companions" - this is not a game to us either - the relationship is very real to us both and the BDSM is an added attraction for us both - I htink there was a misunderstanding there - I love him and he loves me before anything else - I was simply looking for help in the Domme role when we 'play' (yes we call it play - as that is all it is to us - our relationship and friendship is serious - anything else is fun). Thanks for you comments, we do talk - I have issues that could use some outside help however....hence I posted. All the best

 

[*curious*]

I appreciate you have your own ideas and things that work for you both however - as I said previously "We love each other a lot and spend a lot of time just being friends/companions" - this is not a game to us either - the relationship is very real to us both and the BDSM is an added attraction for us both - I htink there was a misunderstanding there - I love him and he loves me before anything else - I was simply looking for help in the Domme role when we 'play' (yes we call it play - as that is all it is to us - our relationship and friendship is serious - anything else is fun). Thanks for you comments, we do talk - I have issues that could use some outside help however....hence I posted. All the best

I didn't mean to offend. I understand your relationship is loving and serious and the BDSM aspect is bedroom-only.

Sometimes I feel my perspective is a bit "off" from most... when I used the example of my own relationship and saying it was as simple as Loving each other I was trying to answer the question of switching, being the Domme [or Dom] all the time and sharing a Life together as well as BDSM.

We also Love each other above and beyond anything else; hence, we meet each other's submissive needs, as well as dominant [needs]. We also deal with work, schedules, social lives, emergencies, etc like any other couple. It isn't an "Okay how about I Top you next Thursday in exchange for you Topping me today?" sort of thing (meaning we don't have a schedule or take turns or anything like that)... it is more of an ebb and flow based on the foundational Friendship, Love, Respect and Understanding we have of each other. At the same time he's reminding me to lace just a bit tighter so I'm uncomfortable during the day I may ask him to slip off mid-afternoon for a climax (but he must do so in X number of minutes or forgo climax the rest of the day). There is no worry about who is Domme or Dom, who is playing which part- we simply exist as Lovers and put the other's needs first; in doing so we both get our needs met about 90% of the time.

It hasn't been easy getting to this point in the relationship; it took a *lot* of communication and letting go of the labels of Domme/Dom sub/slave Top/Bottom. Which is why (since you both seem to have submissive and dominant needs) I suggested talking from a neutral place about ensuring both your needs get met.

 

[~Breathe~]

I didn't mean to offend. I understand your relationship is loving and serious and the BDSM aspect is bedroom-only.

Sometimes I feel my perspective is a bit "off" from most... when I used the example of my own relationship and saying it was as simple as Loving each other I was trying to answer the question of switching, being the Domme [or Dom] all the time and sharing a Life together as well as BDSM.

We also Love each other above and beyond anything else; hence, we meet each other's submissive needs, as well as dominant [needs]. We also deal with work, schedules, social lives, emergencies, etc like any other couple. It isn't an "Okay how about I Top you next Thursday in exchange for you Topping me today?" sort of thing (meaning we don't have a schedule or take turns or anything like that)... it is more of an ebb and flow based on the foundational Friendship, Love, Respect and Understanding we have of each other. At the same time he's reminding me to lace just a bit tighter so I'm uncomfortable during the day I may ask him to slip off mid-afternoon for a climax (but he must do so in X number of minutes or forgo climax the rest of the day). There is no worry about who is Domme or Dom, who is playing which part- we simply exist as Lovers and put the other's needs first; in doing so we both get our needs met about 90% of the time.

It hasn't been easy getting to this point in the relationship; it took a *lot* of communication and letting go of the labels of Domme/Dom sub/slave Top/Bottom. Which is why (since you both seem to have submissive and dominant needs) I suggested talking from a neutral place about ensuring both your needs get met.

Thank you Curious, I appreciate your response. I must say Im envious of what you and your partner have, it seems idyllic - although I realise you both put a lot of work into it to get to that point. Im still not sure I am a Switch as there is such a small percentage of time that I want to be Sub, but I guess as long as that motivation is there in both partners then Switch it is!

My partner has read this thread and I explained it was simply to get an outside opionion on some issues which he couldnt really help me with - but he has come back with a slight change of attitude and this is helping immensely - although he is wanting to top more now (not sure thats a good thing yet ).....so the outside advise and chat is helping - so thank you again....

 

[Gil_T2]

Well thats a good question! I think I am still a submissive in that way because I think I have to be in my Domme role all the time becasue HE wants it - wrong isnt it? This is parto fmy problem - I can't fully get my head around the role - or is that me trying to be a full time Domme? so confusing!

Although now that I think about it he has made comment that he doesnt beleive it would work so well if we were to switch - personally? I would love to!

Do you switch? or turn off the game altogether at times then?

i thnk your more into BDSM as play as opposed to 24/7 & this is how my lady & I are in our lives, we are together 24/7 & play as we call it comes up often & although being sub isn't in my mind ever we do the loving caring cuddly sex as well from time to time so it is common, especially as with one of My subs lady playmates who claimed to be a Domme but attended a BDSM play party & ended up going home as a sub to a Master that was there, this totally screwed with her mind for some time till she got shown her role & what was expected from her now Master, ease with the Domme will come with confidence.My into was an ex g/f who rang me to see if she could call over & when she arrived had a bag with her so thought I had a few days of great sex comming but she opened the bag saying I was the only one she trusted & she had been very naughty & needed to be punished severly, well I started slow but quickly fell into it & haven't looked back.

 

[Gil_T2]

I didn't mean to offend. I understand your relationship is loving and serious and the BDSM aspect is bedroom-only.

Sometimes I feel my perspective is a bit "off" from most... when I used the example of my own relationship and saying it was as simple as Loving each other I was trying to answer the question of switching, being the Domme [or Dom] all the time and sharing a Life together as well as BDSM.

We also Love each other above and beyond anything else; hence, we meet each other's submissive needs, as well as dominant [needs]. We also deal with work, schedules, social lives, emergencies, etc like any other couple. It isn't an "Okay how about I Top you next Thursday in exchange for you Topping me today?" sort of thing (meaning we don't have a schedule or take turns or anything like that)... it is more of an ebb and flow based on the foundational Friendship, Love, Respect and Understanding we have of each other. At the same time he's reminding me to lace just a bit tighter so I'm uncomfortable during the day I may ask him to slip off mid-afternoon for a climax (but he must do so in X number of minutes or forgo climax the rest of the day). There is no worry about who is Domme or Dom, who is playing which part- we simply exist as Lovers and put the other's needs first; in doing so we both get our needs met about 90% of the time.

It hasn't been easy getting to this point in the relationship; it took a *lot* of communication and letting go of the labels of Domme/Dom sub/slave Top/Bottom. Which is why (since you both seem to have submissive and dominant needs) I suggested talking from a neutral place about ensuring both your needs get met. [/QUOTE



It hasn't been easy getting to this point in the relationship; it took a *lot* of communication and letting go of the labels of Domme/Dom sub/slave Top/Bottom. Which is why (since you both seem to have submissive and dominant needs) I suggested talking from a neutral place about ensuring both your needs get met. [/QUOTE]


Honesty openess & communication are the key to all relationships as well as this one too.I've always spent lots of time talking to & hearing them which has been very successful for many years.