AwkwardMD and Omenainen Review Thread

[filthytrancendence]

Alright, it's my turn to put my money where my mouth is on the chopping block. Or something.

Seduce Her

I haven't been so happy when something I've finished in maybe ever. I feel like my biggest weakness so far has been endings, and I feel like I really, really nailed this ending. Interested to hear your thoughts!

 

[Omenainen]

@Zeronix
link

I second @AlinaX - never apologize for being British! I for one absolutely loved the British-isms. Arse is such a great, great word. Ass is so wimpy and limp compared to arse.

Your writing is on a level where a lot comes down to personal preferences, so if you are happy with your work (as your readers seem to be), feel free to ignore the below.

I do feel this is a step forward from the first story we reviewed. It’s still a whole lot of telling instead of showing, but you do the telling so beautifully. At times I still feel the telling gets the better of you.

You had more meat to the bone this time, more scenes where you let them interact, but the same ungrounded montage feeling of skipping stones is still present. Especially when you got to the sex you could have stayed with them, going into detail, letting them come to flesh (pun intended), and not gloss it over with “he took me so beautifully.” The story was beautifully told, but I feel it could be tighter and less detached with more in-focus scenes and montages could be used strictly to pass time from one grounded scene to the next.

I was unclear if this was a story about sexual awakening or not. I got the impression that he wasn’t new to the idea of gay - at least sex, but then he was hilariously oblivious as to Cameron’s inclination, and then when you did get to sex you claimed it was his first time. I don’t know if readers in Gay Male love “first time gay” as much as readers love “first time lesbian” in Lesbian category, but underlining it (and tagging it) when it’s present might make sense.

There are these snippets, these moments in time you want to capture, but when viewed from a little bit more distance they don’t really make sense. Like Cameron sleeping on the plane home - Paris to London takes what, twelve minutes? It’s not enough for anyone to fall asleep or “coffee to grow cold in my hand.” It’s a sweet mental image, but it doesn’t fit where it’s put. Or them at the hotel balcony - you never took us there, so I was confused: was this where they had sex? I didn’t think they were outside? How exactly were they positioned on “the balcony couch” that they could cuddle like you proposed?

These inconsistencies remind me of the romance story we just read, so maybe read that review too (link). Maybe read the whole story, so you see how it looks when someone else does it. With your own stories, you know all the pieces you didn’t show us, but they will stand out more when it’s someone else’s story.

I think that the worst problem with the story is the characterization. Cameron is very bland. Ed is, too, but since he’s the narrator we get a clearer picture of his inner landscape. This gives him more relatability and substance. Janine is the best character, even if it stems from being a bit stereotypical. My absolutely favorite scene of the whole story is where they are drinking and Ed puts his foot in his mouth, and that’s only possible because Janine is there. By himself, Cameron is (calm and stoic and quietly supportive) about as exciting as a soggy mitten, and so you end up bailing out of scenes with just Ed and Cameron by doing a kind of montage fadeout.

Cameron’s appeal is his calm, steady nature. Ed is drawn to Cameron because the rest of his life is constant, difficult, and stressful. However, 80% of this story is just Cameron and Ed in a room, which means that for the reader calm and steady is the norm. We’re only ever getting shorter scenes that imply longer periods of high activity, high stress. In this regard, you’re fighting uphill. The opposite premise, a character who has a boring life that is spiced up by a bright, shiny, zany character, is a much easier sell. Most people’s lives are boring, because most of us aren’t Olympians.

That being said, the story did work as is. I think the way forward for you is to write more, tighten that screw, grounding the scenes a bit more, sharpening your characterization, finding just the right balance to really nail it. Just keep doing what you’re doing and you’re going places.

Happy writing!