Awake

[veryblueeyes]

This is the way that I love to start my day. Feedback from the wonderful writers that post here would be most appreciated.

As the sun meets the horizon
On the opening of the brightness of the day
The soul awakens
Eyes open and shine bright
Blue upon blue
Arms engulf the world that explodes before her eyes
The combustion of senses
Each smell
Each sight
Each taste of her lovers flesh
She wraps her arms around him and in turn
Wraps her arms around the world

 

[WickedEve]

With a few minor changes:

As the sun meets the horizon
on the opening of day,
her soul awakens.
Eyes open, blue on blue.
Arms engulf the world
that explodes before her.

The combustion of senses:
each smell, each sight,
each taste of her lover's flesh.

She wraps her arms around him,
and in turn, wraps her arms around the world.

 

[veryblueeyes]

With a few minor changes:

As the sun meets the horizon
on the opening of day,
her soul awakens.
Eyes open, blue on blue.
Arms engulf the world
that explodes before her.

The combustion of senses:
each smell, each sight,
each taste of her lover's flesh.

She wraps her arms around him,
and in turn, wraps her arms around the world.

Thank you so much. I have been told by some that I am too wordy and should cut down on the amount of adjectives and descriptions. I really do appreciate your feedback and I love what you did with it.

 

[jd4george]

It's odd. I copied this early this morning, intending to tinker. Unfortunately, I got waylaid. When I finally came to post my reply, I discovered Eve had treated much of your poem the very same way!



The sun meets the horizon
and in the brightness of day,
her soul awakens.

Eyes open and shine bright,
blue upon blue
as the world explodes.

The combustion of senses,
each smell, each sight,
each taste of her lovers flesh.

She wraps her arms around him
and in turn, wraps her arms
around the world.

 

[eagleyez]

nice to see you prowling these halls VBE.

We have to write the ultimate ode to surfing.

 

[veryblueeyes]

nice to see you prowling these halls VBE.

We have to write the ultimate ode to surfing.

Yes, EE, we shall. Let's see if I can keep practicing writing.

Question for writers, do you use punctuation in poetry? What is the protocol for that?

As the sand grinds between my toes
I grab my board from the shore
Paddling out and diving under the wave
I feel the rush of the coolness of the water
It hits me swiftly, taking my breath away
The dive takes me past the whitewater
To hit the swells that loom in the distance
Turning my board around, I begin to feel the pressure
Like a lover kneeding to me a climax
Each paddle taking me to that one peak
Where, straddling the board, I push myself up
I balance upon the surf and feel the power of the wave
I sense the drop as I free fall down the turrent of water
My senses smell the salt, taste the water
I then bend myself to catch the angle of the wave
I glide my hands through the wall of great blue
I am one with the ocean, as I ride the wave of life in

 

[Angeline]

Yes, EE, we shall. Let's see if I can keep practicing writing.

Question for writers, do you use punctuation in poetry? What is the protocol for that?

As the sand grinds between my toes
I grab my board from the shore
Paddling out and diving under the wave
I feel the rush of the coolness of the water
It hits me swiftly, taking my breath away
The dive takes me past the whitewater
To hit the swells that loom in the distance
Turning my board around, I begin to feel the pressure
Like a lover kneeding to me a climax
Each paddle taking me to that one peak
Where, straddling the board, I push myself up
I balance upon the surf and feel the power of the wave
I sense the drop as I free fall down the turrent of water
My senses smell the salt, taste the water
I then bend myself to catch the angle of the wave
I glide my hands through the wall of great blue
I am one with the ocean, as I ride the wave of life in

Hiya VBE. Everyone has a different opinion on punctuation in poetry. I read my poems aloud before I post/submit them and think about the pauses in sound. Then I punctuate if I feel I need it. Sometimes I use line breaks or punctuation to emphasize a word or phrase I think wouldn't otherwise draw the reader.

But it's really up to you--I think the main thing is that you want your reader to understand what you mean. If punctuation helps that happen, then it's a good thing.

 

[veryblueeyes]

Thank you very much Angeline. I am still trying to learn to write, but as a Computer Science person, I am more on the analytical side, though I am an avid reader. Up to 3 - 5 books a week. I appreciate your help, as I would love to write as well as some of what I read and quite a few, including you, write so well.

 

[Angeline]

Thank you very much Angeline. I am still trying to learn to write, but as a Computer Science person, I am more on the analytical side, though I am an avid reader. Up to 3 - 5 books a week. I appreciate your help, as I would love to write as well as some of what I read and quite a few, including you, write so well.

You're very welcome.

I think writing is more analytical--at least for me it is--than most people realize. The imagination that creates an idea for a poem is not, but the construction itself--the knowing the precise words and their placement to communicate the meaning you want or describe an image so the reader sees it--is methodical and painstaking. And if you write in traditional forms, like sonnets or sestinas, it can be downright mathematical.

And for what it's worth, I think the best way to improve at writing is to write and read every day, just keep doing it and thinking about it. Coming here and getting feedback helps, too.

Anyone who does that will become a better writer. Guaranteed.