Aversion to BDSM...?

[FurryFury]

While I agree that you can't make someone kinky who is not or a Dom/me who is not or a sub who is not, you can bring up kink in positive ways. Doing so might tap into hidden kink areas in your partner. Those areas might be enough for you to deal with the areas that you both do not jibe.

FF

 

[CutieMouse]

See, I don't agree with this "in them" business. I don't see kink as innate. But, you have a right to be wrong.

And maybe, just maybe those of us going "Eeehhhhh I don't know..." are saying that because they've BTDT.

I once had a complicated LRD with someone. I told him I was submissive. I never waivered from that. Over a period of 2-3 years, he wore me down. I was limiting myself. He was willing to dominate me, why wasn't I willing to give that same pleasureable experience to him? He understood that I wasn't into XYZ, but that was probably because I hadn't done it before/tried hard enough/didn't love him enough to get over myself. Eventually it digressed to a situation full of resentment and misery. If I didn't initiate dominating him - I was ignoring his needs. If I did - my timing was off, I was doing it wrong, I was being too demanding, blahblahblah. If I asked for my own need (to
submit) to be respected... We went straight back to the loop of "but I know there's an amazing Mistress inside you, if you'll just let her out! The best Dommes start as submissives and you've done that!"

I went from being sexually curious, willing to explore just about anything, and okay with trying things out - to unhappy, sexually insecure, closed off, and uncertain if I was even submissive. Because instead of respecting that we just saw things differently and trying to work with that, it became a huge issue of his sexual needs being somehow more valid than mine. That experience eventually taught me a lot, but it also scared me. Deeply.

I'm kinda with the guy in the OP- walking through a display area of demos/whips/impliments/etc would gave been a huge turn off [for me]... it's just not my thing, and in no way relates to my submission or my kinks.

 

[JMohegan]

How do I go about explaining BDSM really? There are so many facets that someone who hasn't invested any time in learning about it would never comprehend... How do I sum it up? Is that even possible?

First, a general cautionary note. No guy wants to feel as if he's been a disappointing, inadequate or inferior lover to the woman he cares about. In every conversation, keep this clearly in mind.

As for the specific questions at hand, if you can't articulate what it is that excites you about kink, in clear and non-culturally specific language, then I don't think you have much hope of making progress here.

I do not recommend dungeon visits, porn viewings, or even the popular kink-help books of which everyone else seems so fond. Ditch the labels and the trappings and don't worry about defending what everyone else does. Instead, focus on articulating your own desires, as inspired by the unique individual you love.

 

[JMohegan]

ETA: I'm not saying it's easy to do (well, not that easy to do), and he might genuinely not be into some things (MAYBE), but I think you guys are painting too bleak a picture, to where it's not just difficult, but downright impossible and thus stupid to try to influence someone else*, and I'm not sure why that is. That's why I used the term fatalism.


*Have your hard limits ever changed?

My fundamental orientation has remained the same for as long as I've been sexually interested in females.

Teknight, I understand your point - and, in fact, agree with it in large measure. But a lot depends on what the OP seeks, and the personal wiring of the OP's mate.

Decades ago, I was in a committed relationship with a woman who was my submissive partner, per the terms on which our relationship was established. She came to a point at which she wanted to explore her Top side, and that was the end of our intimate relationship. We are friends to this day, but not lovers.

No cajoling, bargaining, careful explanations, or exhortations to explore would have worked on me. I'm a control freak, through and through, and even alternating roles or occasional switching is absolutely out of the question. That's just the way I'm wired.

You're correct in noting that not everyone's wiring is as firmly set. But we're back to the question of what the OP actually wants, in relation to the proclivities of her partner.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I am impressed with your ex partner that she was willing to let go of the relationship in favor of her own growth.

But I think a factor in that was your own honesty-- if she'd had the least notion that someday you might think about maybe switching... People can hold on forever if they have half of a hint of a perhaps.

 

[teknight]

My fundamental orientation has remained the same for as long as I've been sexually interested in females.

Teknight, I understand your point - and, in fact, agree with it in large measure. But a lot depends on what the OP seeks, and the personal wiring of the OP's mate.

Decades ago, I was in a committed relationship with a woman who was my submissive partner, per the terms on which our relationship was established. She came to a point at which she wanted to explore her Top side, and that was the end of our intimate relationship. We are friends to this day, but not lovers.

No cajoling, bargaining, careful explanations, or exhortations to explore would have worked on me. I'm a control freak, through and through, and even alternating roles or occasional switching is absolutely out of the question. That's just the way I'm wired.

You're correct in noting that not everyone's wiring is as firmly set. But we're back to the question of what the OP actually wants, in relation to the proclivities of her partner.

Look, I'm selling the counter point too hard, maybe. I'll grant you that. But, at the same time, all everyone's saying (well, that's a gross generalization) is: "Well, this doesn't/didn't work for ME." Now, I'm sorry to hear that, but, unless lovebound's dating one of the people that have commented on the thread... You see where this is going, right?

I'll reiterate my positivity hat comment, and leave it at that.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Look, I'm selling the counter point too hard, maybe. I'll grant you that. But, at the same time, all everyone's saying (well, that's a gross generalization) is: "Well, this doesn't/didn't work for ME." Now, I'm sorry to hear that, but, unless lovebound's dating one of the people that have commented on the thread... You see where this is going, right?

I'll reiterate my positivity hat comment, and leave it at that.

Yeah, a lot of people ARE saying it didn't work for them.

That is a perfectly legitimate thing to say. You don't get to ignore it or belittle it or insinuate (and I am sure you didn't do this on purpose) that they didn't try hard enough or do it right or else it would have worked.

Not if you want to keep friends, at least. These are real lives, not theories. Some of us have lived with a modicum of unhappiness as a result of inadvertent mismatches, and you telling us that we fucked up-- fuck you for it.

 

[teknight]

Yeah, a lot of people ARE saying it didn't work for them.

That is a perfectly legitimate thing to say. You don't get to ignore it or belittle it or insinuate (and I am sure you didn't do this on purpose) that they didn't try hard enough or do it right or else it would have worked.

Not if you want to keep friends, at least. These are real lives, not theories. Some of us have lived with a modicum of unhappiness as a result of inadvertent mismatches, and you telling us that we fucked up-- fuck you for it.

Stella, and everyone else, I apologize for coming off as belittling you and your experiences.
Since I can't find a way to express myself that won't be offensive, I'll just unsubscribe.

 

[JMohegan]

Look, I'm selling the counter point too hard, maybe. I'll grant you that. But, at the same time, all everyone's saying (well, that's a gross generalization) is: "Well, this doesn't/didn't work for ME." Now, I'm sorry to hear that, but, unless lovebound's dating one of the people that have commented on the thread... You see where this is going, right?

I'll reiterate my positivity hat comment, and leave it at that.

I've successfully introduced my share of females to kink, and helped other people (on both sides of the dynamic) successfully incorporate kink into pre-existing relationships.

Sometimes it works. Sometimes it does not.

I don't think we have nearly enough information to be either pessimistic or optimistic for the OP. Her partner's reaction may borne of BDSM porn he viewed online, more than anything else. That *does* make it look as if BDSM = beating and torturing women. I don't think it's at all strange that he's got zero interest in putting either himself, or his partner, in those roles. Just because that turns him off does not *necessarily* mean he'd be turned off by whatever it is that the OP seeks.

 

[where]

See, I don't agree with this "in them" business. I don't see kink as innate. But, you have a right to be wrong.

It's not necessarily innate, but it has to be a path that you are at least willing to look down, if not actually walk down.

I do not recommend dungeon visits, porn viewings, or even the popular kink-help books of which everyone else seems so fond. Ditch the labels and the trappings and don't worry about defending what everyone else does. Instead, focus on articulating your own desires, as inspired by the unique individual you love.

this^

One of the reasons for my ambivalence/reluctance/discomfort was that the paraphernalia, ritual and sometimes OCD about what bdsm is totally fucked with my mojo. For the longest time I didn't even equate what turned me on as being connected to bdsm and mr trb most assuredly does not think of himself as being in the least bit kinky despite the enormous photographic evidence to the contrary.

 

[lovebound]

First, a general cautionary note. No guy wants to feel as if he's been a disappointing, inadequate or inferior lover to the woman he cares about. In every conversation, keep this clearly in mind.

As for the specific questions at hand, if you can't articulate what it is that excites you about kink, in clear and non-culturally specific language, then I don't think you have much hope of making progress here.

I do not recommend dungeon visits, porn viewings, or even the popular kink-help books of which everyone else seems so fond. Ditch the labels and the trappings and don't worry about defending what everyone else does. Instead, focus on articulating your own desires, as inspired by the unique individual you love.

QFT.

And as you said in your other post, I'm hoping that the fact of him not being turned on by dungeon/pain scenes doesn't necessarily mean he's not open to my kinks. But I certainly know where it comes from, anyway. He loathes the thought of hurting a hair on my head most of the time, but if I like it? That'll be different.

I'm really enjoying reading everyone's opinions and own experiences here, you've all given me a lot to think about. I'll admit that at the time of my first post I felt a bit more zealous about 'introducing' BDSM, but after reading what everyone has to say, I'm inspired to let things develop much more organically. Ie, not so much "let's go rent a bondage-cattleprodding-machine-sex porno!"

 

[where]

I actually loathe dungeons anyway. they are only catering to a niche kink IMO. I prefer a luxe boudoir for play. So much more decadent!

 

[Stella_Omega]

I actually loathe dungeons anyway. they are only catering to a niche kink IMO. I prefer a luxe boudoir for play. So much more decadent!

You have a luxe boudoir?

 

[FurryFury]

QFT.

And as you said in your other post, I'm hoping that the fact of him not being turned on by dungeon/pain scenes doesn't necessarily mean he's not open to my kinks. But I certainly know where it comes from, anyway. He loathes the thought of hurting a hair on my head most of the time, but if I like it? That'll be different.

I'm really enjoying reading everyone's opinions and own experiences here, you've all given me a lot to think about. I'll admit that at the time of my first post I felt a bit more zealous about 'introducing' BDSM, but after reading what everyone has to say, I'm inspired to let things develop much more organically. Ie, not so much "let's go rent a bondage-cattleprodding-machine-sex porno!"

If he can see that instead of something he would normally consider "hurtful" to you, to your way of thinking is actually just a different sensation. A sensation that your body translates as an enormous turn on, then he might begin to rethink things a bit because he does want to turn you on.

Of course some will just say you are too strange for me. As much as it hurts at the time, that can be a good thing too, in the long run.

FF

 

[where]

.....

 

[Stella_Omega]

no. I bought satin sheets but kept sliding out of bed. My bedroom is pretty minimalist. I keep trying to get it so it looks less so, but mr trb is digging his heels in.

But when I have played hard, I was lucky enough to do it in a very nice room which had a bit of a boudoir-ish feel. dungeons make me dry up. my fantasy is more oriental in feel and that is where I would open up better.

My point is, is that bdsm stuff isn't bdsm just cause it's in a dungeon.

Totally. But when I want to play hard, I cant do it at home. So, I take it to a dungeon.

I'm lucky in that "my" dungeon has a lot of different rooms and spaces avialable-- including a reasonably lush bedroom with a huge cage bed, a dirty, dusty outdoor area that looks like an alley, and a stone-walled basement... First time I've ever been in a place like that!

(Slid out of bed yup! LOL)

 

[where]

Totally. But when I want to play hard, I cant do it at home. So, I take it to a dungeon.

I'm lucky in that "my" dungeon has a lot of different rooms and spaces avialable-- including a reasonably lush bedroom with a huge cage bed, a dirty, dusty outdoor area that looks like an alley, and a stone-walled basement... First time I've ever been in a place like that!

(Slid out of bed yup! LOL)

meh, I wanna be whipped, flogged and fucked in comfort. stone plays havoc with my knees.

 

[lovebound]

Totally. But when I want to play hard, I cant do it at home. So, I take it to a dungeon.

I'm lucky in that "my" dungeon has a lot of different rooms and spaces avialable-- including a reasonably lush bedroom with a huge cage bed, a dirty, dusty outdoor area that looks like an alley, and a stone-walled basement... First time I've ever been in a place like that!

(Slid out of bed yup! LOL)

You can rent an alley? where do I get me one of those?

What's this world coming to...

 

[FurryFury]

no. I bought satin sheets but kept sliding out of bed. My bedroom is pretty minimalist. I keep trying to get it so it looks less so, but mr trb is digging his heels in.

But when I have played hard, I was lucky enough to do it in a very nice room which had a bit of a boudoir-ish feel. dungeons make me dry up. my fantasy is more oriental in feel and that is where I would open up better.

My point is, is that bdsm stuff isn't bdsm just cause it's in a dungeon.

LOL! Me too on the satin sheets deal. I use a regular sheet for the fitted one and a satin sheet for the flat one.

Also, a dungeon bnb with just my partner and me would be fine but I don't do public play.

FF

 

[where]

LOL! Me too on the satin sheets deal. I use a regular sheet for the fitted one and a satin sheet for the flat one.

Also, a dungeon bnb with just my partner and me would be fine but I don't do public play.

FF

sating sheets are such a disappointment. maybe if they were silk satin...

 

[Stella_Omega]

sating sheets are such a disappointment. maybe if they were silk satin...

Silk broadcloth. Then you get the tactile response of the silk without the slipperyness of the satin weave.

 

[where]

Silk broadcloth. Then you get the tactile response of the silk without the slipperyness of the satin weave.

trust you to have silk sheets! Can I come live with you and be your pet?

 

[Stella_Omega]

trust you to have silk sheets! Can I come live with you and be your pet?

the hell I do!

Nope-- I can't afford that either.

But yes-- I would love to keep you on a leash

 

[where]

the hell I do!

Nope-- I can't afford that either.

But yes-- I would love to keep you on a leash

I do NOT want to sleep on the floor though. I'm a very high maintenance pet.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I do NOT want to sleep on the floor though. I'm a very high maintenance pet.

I'm a high-maintenance owner, we should do very well together!