Author Wants Feedback on Stories

[Pepboy49]

Feedback Requested

I am Pepboy49 and over the past two months I wrote a series of stories about a married bisexual crossdresser. I would really appreciate feedback on these stories. Thank you.

 

[KeithD]

https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=5171724&page=submissions

 

[SynSlave]

Well, if you truly want the feedback along with your plug I'll bite (metaphorically... since... I found and read story number 1).

But first a short rant.

~ Why is it that half the time these $%&@#!ing !&#$% $#*@ !@%# (more blankety-blanks) !&@$% awesome Lit members, keep neglecting to link to the submissions, these wonderful writers want people to read! ~

https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=5171724&page=submissions


There.

You're right. You should rename your stories. You can edit them easily through the control panel, so take the little bit of time to fix them up with what you already know. I'm sure you can also find more ways to improve them if you take the time. I found story one and read it. And here you go:

So, I liked... that because it was a short read you kept the setting and event narrow. Don't want five different events revolving around nine characters over the course of several days in less than one page. That's smart.

That said, your writing style is very crisp, your sentences are very short and you over-use transitional words (now, then, after, etc). That made your story flow like a clinical step-by-step journal of what happened. You literally started three paragraphs in a row with "after" and those werent the only transitional words/phrases in said paragraphs. Really kills the mood. Those words should be used sparingly. That's a big part of the reason why your story flows instructionally and ordered (almost like a list).

There were some descriptors expressing tone and emotion, but not many. Counted excited once, relaxed once, uncomfortable once and pleased/pleasure a couple times. Don't think there was much more than that. Granted the story was very short, but expanding it the right way could certainly help. Sex without emotion is about as bland as the golf game your characters seemed to have little interest in. It isn't that it was bereft of feeling, but more would help.

Well, there's my two senseless cents. May you continue your writing with renewed vigor and passion; hopefully you'll continue to get better and enjoy it (everyone, including especially me, can be better). You appear to have the right mindset, so keep at it.

Edit: why did I think BBC strike through tags were enabled on this forum? *grumble, grumble* - LoZ

 

[LesDesirable]

First, as has been stated, come up with a name for your series and use that, with chapters.

Your first story: Massage leads. . .

The opening paragraph is terrible. The second should not start with "as background". that is another horrible way. Just tell the story.

Once you stopped struggling with the setting and setting up the situation, your story was better. I think you could have taken more time, added some dialogue, and worked on the entire massage scene longer before ending it. I would like to see some tension, some fear of discovery, some shame, or some conflicted feelings from one or both characters. Overall, take more time to lay out your storyline, work with all of your characters, allow them to talk to each other rather than just sticking with pure narration.


Your second: cross leads to bisex. . .

Again, the opening is not a great hook saying, "good writing ahead", it tells me "penthouse letter". Once you get into the parts that you enjoy, the sex, it again is a better story and moves along well enough.

Once again, the story is without emotion, feeling, or dialogue. It is just a telling of an event with no frills or extras.

Story III: used by resort staff:

again, the opening is tiresome, third in a row with the same weak opening.
a better next few paragraphs as finally your main character shows a bit of emotion and some trepidation - both which quickly dissolve the moment sex begins.


Story IV: caught by wife.

Basically the same story, different sex, added orifices, again told without emotion other than the half sentence touching on anger.


At this point I am stopping and assuming all are basically one page sex scenes, beginning with a weak setting and then some segue into assorted humiliation and degradation bisexual and gay sex scenes.

Your writing lacks emotion and the stories are told from a very clinical narrative view, even as this characters lifelong fantasies are played out in multiple partner technicolour, he simply cums and goes home without a shred of emotion to be found.

work on it. Your dedicated readers enjoy your sex scenes, but your story telling is not strong.