Author seeks Lesbian Literature-Doms

[sapphicphile]

As seems to be the tradition, I'll offer my first story up for sacrificial slaughtering:

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=250533

Indeed, having received enough positive feedback (and support) in order to motivate me to continue, I'm now seeking constructive criticism. What is wrong with it? And where/how can it be improved? Don't be afraid; ever since my professor ripped up my thesis, I've been case-hardened

I'm particulaly keen to hear from bi and lesbian ladies as you are my target audience. I hope its obvious that I'm trying to avoid a 'grunt-fest' and go after your minds, imagination and sensuality instead. (But still in lesbian category rather than romance).

Be cruel to be kind....so I don't develop any bad literary habits.

Sapphicphile
p.s. kbate, please feel free to say what you really think...just do it anonymously x

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi Sapphicphile,

I read your story and, while I can picture some steamy moments in such a situation, this scene didn't do much for me. Since I never felt like I was really with Sarah, it was impossible for me to share her arousal. I think there are two ways this scene could have been a lot stronger-stay with Sarah and, yeah, I know it's all but cliche, show instead of tell.

The preface and the history lesson strike me as a weak way to start such a short story. First, it's classic telling instead of showing and that usually makes for a dry read. Second, do I really need to know all that information about the four women?

What's wrong with starting by showing me Sarah looking in the mirror and not quite knowing if the dress is right for her? I know the combination of insecurity and excitement that comes with trying on clothes- I'd be right there with her in an instant. That's what you want from an opening, right? I don't need to know Sarah's history, much less Elle's. I can learn the important things about Sarah, and Elle, as the story progresses.

Two things about the fitting confused me. Why is Sarah even considering her reception dress when her wedding gown isn't ready and, more puzzling, where is Louise? When I've gone to a fitting with a friend, it's always been to share opinions- and then some. Would Louise really be in the lobby the entire time pouring over catalogues? I think it would have been a revealing moment if Louise asks Sarah about the dress, but Sarah is thinking about Elle and answers the a different question. And what about Sarah's dress? Elle's outfit gets an entire paragraph, but of the dress Sarah selects I know only that it's 'a modern reception dress'.

I think this is one paragraph where too much is glossed over:
Sarah was nervous at first, she had never been to such an exclusive boutique nor had such personal attention, but under the guidance of Elle and Amy, she soon relaxed and after an hour they had chosen a modern reception dress for Sarah and started to look for appropriate, matching lingerie.
I need to see how nervous Sarah is. Surely, somewhere in here, Sarah first feels Elle's touch. Seeing Sarah's reaction would help me believe there's a spark between them. And what about Elle explaining what necklines work for Sarah? Wouldn't that sizzle?

You might also consider telling the reader less, the bold section of this sentence for example:
"Don't be shy Sarah, I've done hundreds of women," said Elle, to allay Sarah's obvious hesitation while at the same time suppressing a smile.
While it's possible readers will draw conclusions other than the ones you intended, allowing them to deduce a character's motivations compels them to become involved.

This is Sarah's story, right?
A little embarrassed, Sarah tentatively lifted her skirt at the back a little to reveal standard white cotton panties. Sensing Sarah's unease, Elle took the initiative ...
Notice how the reader is in both characters' heads in this one paragraph? We all experience life from a single perspective, so it's no surprise many readers feel more comfortable experiencing a story from a single perspective. I happen to be one of those who doesn't mind multiple perspectives, but it's the pet peeve of one of my editors and he goes through the roof every time I do it.
Along similar lines, why is Amy even in this story? I don't care what she and Elle do or feel- I want to know about Sarah. Did you consider letting Sarah tell her own story?

I think you have the right idea stretching the story over multiple scenes. Even slower would have worked just fine for me. If Sarah and Elle had gone at it in the fitting room, I'd have probably quit reading.

Take Care,
Penny

 

[sapphicphile]

Penny,
Sorry I have been on the other side of the e-moon. Many many thanks for your insightful comments- much appreciated. In hindsight I probably did try and do too much with too many characters. But in my mind (and now as a very rough draft) there was always more, and Amy and Louise will have a greater role to play. But I will take heed and try and keep the focus on Sarah; she is the central character being lined up for seduction by Elle.
Regards,
Sapphicphile
p.s. loved your two stories classified as 'lesbian' btw. Do any of the the other stories primarily feature lesbian?