aussies

[m.j.h]

Well if we are going to post jokes then maybe we can all benifit from this.


THE BOOTY CALL AGREEMENT
This Booty Call Agreement (hereinafter referred to as the Agreement)
is entered into on the _____ day of __________, 20__, by
_______________, between _____________ and ___________.


THIS AGREEMENT SHALL COVER THE FOLLOWING RULES AND PRINCIPLES:


1. No sleeping over--unless it is very good and we need to repeat it in
the morning.
2. No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events of
the evening.
3. No calls before 9 PM--we don't have shit to talk about.
4. None of that "lovemaking" shit--only mind-blowing sex allowed.
5. No emotional discussions--Eg.: Where are we heading with this? Do you
love me? The answer is no, so don't ask.
6. No plans made in advance--that is why you are called the "back-up,"
unless you are from out-of-town, then it's only a one-time,
advanced-arrangement.
7. All gifts accepted--money is always good.
8. No baby talk--however, dirty talk is encouraged.
9. No asking for comparisons with former lovers--it's really none of
your damn business.
10. No calling each other "friends with privileges"--we are not friends,
just sex buddies.
11. Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK--don't be offended.
12. No extra clothing--I don't want your ass leaving anything behind
when you leave.
13. No falling asleep right after sex--it's over, so get your ass up and
go home.
14. Don't be offended if I don't ask if you enjoyed it--I don't care.
15. You cannot borrow my car for any reason.
16. If anyone asks who you are, the standard response will be: "My
roommate's boyfriend."
17. Doggie style preferred--just hit it hard and right or get the hell out.
18. Reason for doggie style: the less eye contact the better. I don't
want to look at you, just fuck you.
19. We hook up absolutely whenever the mood strikes ME--so don't keep
calling.
*** EXTRA TIP FOR SUCCESSFUL BOOTY CALLS***
The aforementioned rules may be altered by the holder of the agreement.
If the other party attempts to change or alter any terms of This
agreement, it will automatically become null and void and you will then
be removed from the BOOTY CALL LIST and deleted from phone memory and
email list, BLOCKED from all communications until your silly ass
understands the rules.
Participating partners:
Signature: ______________________
Date:

 

[m.j.h]

That's currently around 866

Well i'm halfway there then, Currently at a whooping 0.5%.
Go me.

 

[m.j.h]

I was looking for this while we came up with the song.


On the twelve days of Christmas, my true love gave to me... by Agnes Mcholstein

December 14, 1985

Dearest John,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a
partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delight-
ful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised
darling!

With deepest love,
Agnes

===============

December 15, 1985

Dearest John,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just
imagine, two turtle doves! I'm just delighted at your
very thoughful gift. They are truly adorable!

With all my love,
Your Agnes

===============

December 16, 1985

Dearest John,
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one! But I really
must protest, I don't deserve such generosity. Three
French hens. My goodness. You are just a darling of
course, but I must insist, you've been too kind!

Love,
Agnes

===============

December 17, 1985

Dear John,

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now
really, they are plainly beautiful, but don't you
think enough is enough? You're being too romantic
dear.

Aphectionately,
Agnes

===============

December 18, 1985

Dearest darling John,
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five
golden rings! One for every finger! You're just
impossible darling, but oh how I love it! Frankly all
those squawking birds were beginning to get on my
nerves, I am glad you thought of something different.

All my love,
Agnes

===============

December 19, 1985

Dear John,
When I opened my door, there were actually six geese
a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the
birds again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where
will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining, and
I can't sleep through all the racket. Please stop.

Cordially,
Agnes

===============

December 20, 1985

John,
What the hell is with you and those flapping birds!?
Seven swans a-swimming!! What kind of goddamn joke is
this!!?? There's bird excremen teverywhere! The little
tykes never shut up, I can't sleep anymore, and I'm
a nervous wreck. It~s not funny you weirdo.

Sincerely,
Agnes

===============

December 21, 1985

O.K. Buster,
The birds were bad enough, but what the hell am I
going to do with eight maids a-milking? If that's not
bad enough, they had to bring their goddamn cows!!
There is dung all over the lawn, and I can't move in
my own house!! Just lay off me smartalec, or you'll be
sorry!

Agnes

===============

December 22, 1985

Hey Prat!
What are you, some kind of sadist!?! Now there's nine
pipers playing! Christ do they play! They've never
stopped chasing those maids since they got here! The
cows are upset and they're stepping all over those
screeching birds. The neighbors are getting a peti-
tion against me.

You'll get yours!
Agnes

===============

December 23, 1985

Words fail me!!!
Now there's ten ladies dancing! But they're not
ladies! Thse broads are having an orgy with the
pipers! Now the cows can't sleep and they've got
diarrhea! My living room is a river of %$œ$, and the
building commisioner has subpoened me to give cause
for having all these animals. I'm calling the police
on you creep!
One who means it!

===============

December 24, 1985

Listen mate!
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids
and laides!?!?! Some of those broads will never walk
again! Those pipers ran through the maids and have
been sodomizing the cows. At least the birds are
quiet. They were trampled to death in the orgy. I
hope you are satisfied you rotten vicious swine!

Your sworn enemy,
Agnes

===============

December 25, 1985

Law Offices of Badger, Binder, and Irwin
30 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois

Dear Sir,
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve
fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict
on our client, one Agnes McHolstein. The destruction
of course was total.

If you attempt to reach Ms. McHolstein at Happy Daze
Sanatarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot
you on sight.

Please direct all correspondence to this office in the
future. With this letter please and attached a
warrant for your arrest.

Merry Christmas !! (snicker snicker)

Cordially,
Badger, Binder, and Irwin

 

[davoo]

lol nice

here one more from me

How babies are made

SON SAYS: Daddy, how was I born?

DAD SAYS: Ah, well, my son, it goes like this...
Mom and dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cybercafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a
firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed little virus appeared. And that's the story

haha liked that valia

 

[davoo]

An accountant and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a flight from Sydney to Perth .

The accountant asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The accountant persists... He explains how the game works. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa." Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The accountant figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer, "If you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

The blonde figures there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, so she agrees.

The accountant asks, "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?" The blonde reaches in to her purse, pulls out $5 and hands it to the accountant.

Then she asks the accountant "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The accountant is puzzled. He uses his laptop to search for references. He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and the National Library. Frustrated, he sends emails to his co-workers and friends. No luck.

After an hour, he gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The accountant, who is going nuts trying to figure it out, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the accountant $5, and goes back to sleep.

 

[davoo]

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a
job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home." The manager liked
the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how
many sales did you make today?" The Aussie said "One." The manager groaned
and continued "Just one - Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How
much was the sale for?"

"101,237.64 Pounds Stg," the Aussie replied. The manager choked and
exclaimed "101,237.64? What the hell did you sell him?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and
then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going
fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat,
so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined
Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I
took him down to car sales and I sold him the jeep".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to
buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"

"No, no, no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I
said........."Well, since your weekend's stuffed, you might as well go
fishing."

 

[m.j.h]

An accountant and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a flight from Sydney to Perth .

The accountant asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The accountant persists... He explains how the game works. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa." Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The accountant figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer, "If you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

The blonde figures there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, so she agrees.

The accountant asks, "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?" The blonde reaches in to her purse, pulls out $5 and hands it to the accountant.

Then she asks the accountant "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The accountant is puzzled. He uses his laptop to search for references. He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and the National Library. Frustrated, he sends emails to his co-workers and friends. No luck.

After an hour, he gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The accountant, who is going nuts trying to figure it out, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the accountant $5, and goes back to sleep.

He got OWNED

 

[m.j.h]

Don't tell me everyone else has snuck away.

 

[davoo]

The other night I walked into the Cecil Hotel in Casino and spotted three cute blondes at a table who were obviously celebrating something.

Never one to miss an opportunity I casually wandered over to the table and said, "you girls look like you're having fun."

"Yes we are, would you like to join us, have a drink and celebrate with us?"

"Absof---inlutely, what are you celebrating?"

"We just finished this amazing Jig-saw..............and it only took the three of us six months."

"Six months?"

"Yeah, and they say blondes are stupid! On the box it said 5-7 years!"

 

[bertrande]

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a
job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home." The manager liked
the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how
many sales did you make today?" The Aussie said "One." The manager groaned
and continued "Just one - Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How
much was the sale for?"

"101,237.64 Pounds Stg," the Aussie replied. The manager choked and
exclaimed "101,237.64? What the hell did you sell him?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and
then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going
fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat,
so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined
Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I
took him down to car sales and I sold him the jeep".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to
buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"

"No, no, no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I
said........."Well, since your weekend's stuffed, you might as well go
fishing."

ROFLMAO

 

[davoo]

A Chinese man decides to move to Australia, after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land in the country.
A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. So he goes next door, but on his way up the driveway, he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt this "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a cow down the driveway, pause, and then put his head next to the cow's bum. The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, "What the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today, you have your head so close to that cow's bum, it could just about s**t on you."
The Chinese man is very taken back and says, "Sorry Sir, you do not understand, these aren't Chinese customs I am performing, but Australian customs."
"What do you mean mate", says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs."
"Yes they are", replied the Chinese man, "for you see, in order for me to become a true Australian," "I must Chase Chicks, Drink Piss, and listen to Bull-s**t."

 

[bertrande]

The other night I walked into the Cecil Hotel in Casino and spotted three cute blondes at a table who were obviously celebrating something.

Never one to miss an opportunity I casually wandered over to the table and said, "you girls look like you're having fun."

"Yes we are, would you like to join us, have a drink and celebrate with us?"

"Absof---inlutely, what are you celebrating?"

"We just finished this amazing Jig-saw..............and it only took the three of us six months."

"Six months?"

"Yeah, and they say blondes are stupid! On the box it said 5-7 years!"

Ha ha this is brilliant

 

[Ladybird]

Don't tell me everyone else has snuck away.

I be here, just waiting for another coffee.

 

[davoo]

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole with dirt, when her neighbour peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing, there"?
"My goldfish died," replied Little Nancy, tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbour laughed and said, condescendingly, "That's a really big hole for such a little goldfish, isn't it?"
Little Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt and then replied, "That's because he's inside your damn cat!

 

[Ladybird]

"Yeah, and they say blondes are stupid! On the box it said 5-7 years!"

Err... check my avatar. Natural blonde. And guess what...... your jokes accurate... lol

 

[m.j.h]

I be here, just waiting for another coffee.

Coming right up.

 

[m.j.h]

An elderly man in Darwin had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and
fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been
there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to
bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As
he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his
pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out........until you
leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked
or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said..........."I'm here to feed the alligator.!!!"

Moral: Old men can still think fast!

 

[m.j.h]

The Texas preacher rose with an angry red face..
"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one, which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed
and do not intend to accept this.

Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask
forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to
face me and admit this is a falsehood?
Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory.
Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blond with a
body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew.
Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.
"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding I never said
you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my
friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!

The preacher fainted.

 

[m.j.h]

Two Minute Management Course

Lesson One:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit on my ass like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the
rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson:
To be sitting on your ass and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

Lesson Two:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my manure droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of manure, found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Three:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.
While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was.

The dung was actually thawing him out. He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lessons:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends your two-minute management course

 

[Cadoras]

I'm gone, talk to everyone later

 

[bertrande]

and now it really is time - my lonely bed is calling my name

 

[m.j.h]

I be here, just waiting for another coffee.

There you go LB.Another one for you.

 

[davoo]

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years.
> Finally, sick of the stress he quit his job and bought 50 acres of land
> in Alaska as far away from humanity as possible. He saw the postman
> once a week and got groceries once a month. Otherwise
> it was total peace and quiet.
> After six months or so of almost total isolation,
> someone knocked on his door. He opened it and saw a huge, bearded man
> standing there.
> "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the
> road... Having a Christmas party Friday night...
> Thought you might like to come. About 5:00.PM."
> "Great", said Tom, "after six months out here I'm
> ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
> As Lars was leaving, he stopped. "Gotta warn you,
> there's gonna be some drinkin."
> "Not a problem" said Tom. "After 25 years in the
> business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
> Again, the big man started to leave and stopped. "More
> 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
> "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right.
> I'll be there.
> Thanks again," said Tom.
> More'n likely be some wild sex, too." Lars added.
> "Now that's really not a problem" said Tom, warming to
> the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll
> definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
> "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."

 

[m.j.h]

I'm gone, talk to everyone later

Night Cad

 

[m.j.h]

and now it really is time - my lonely bed is calling my name

Night Bertrande.
Sweet dreams