crystalhunting
Tallahastezzi Kaffirs!!!
- Joined
- Feb 12, 2001
- Posts
- 2,578
MEMO FROM SANTA
I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer
be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to
the overwhelming population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated
by North American Fairies and Elves Local #209. I now serve only
certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part
of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and
cookies, so keep that in mind. However, I am certain that your children will
be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third
cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He
shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls.
However, there are a few differences between us such as:
1. There is no danger of The Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children
leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace and
Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an
empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of
my reindeer, one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..."
when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on
Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are
likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does
have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off".
The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh as well. One is
a Ford logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a
caricature of me (Santa Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th
Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated
viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hog Saves Christmas" and "Smokey
and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of
state police cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure
the wife and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put
presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me,
like "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is
Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played
on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark
Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's
"All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack", and
Johnny Paycheck's "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, Shove It."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
Member North American Fairies and Elves Local #209
Compliments of CH
I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I will no longer
be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to
the overwhelming population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated
by North American Fairies and Elves Local #209. I now serve only
certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part
of the new and better contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and
cookies, so keep that in mind. However, I am certain that your children will
be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third
cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He
shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls.
However, there are a few differences between us such as:
1. There is no danger of The Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children
leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace and
Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an
empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of
my reindeer, one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..."
when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on
Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are
likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does
have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off".
The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh as well. One is
a Ford logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a
caricature of me (Santa Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th
Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated
viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hog Saves Christmas" and "Smokey
and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of
state police cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure
the wife and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put
presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me,
like "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is
Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played
on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark
Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's
"All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack", and
Johnny Paycheck's "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, Shove It."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
Member North American Fairies and Elves Local #209
Compliments of CH
