At your leisure...

erusian

Really Really Experienced
Joined
Jan 26, 2005
Posts
390
If you like nice, soft, big boobs...

And now that I've gotten your attention, please take a moment to peruse the impressions of a darkly hedonistic imagination. If these stories strike a chord with my readers, I'll continue the tales.
 
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Hmmm... no review from here.

Well, I did get one, in another thread:

Mist S said:
Hi and welcome to this side of Lit.

I took a bit of time before posting this, as I went and looked at both of your stories and web site beforehand. In my opinion, your first story was the best I have ever read here at lit, in tone, quality and subject material. I could clearly visualize the scene as it was set and enjoyed it to the fullest.

Your second story however, seemed to lack something. I don't know if it was just the fact I read it imeadiatly following the first and it lost some of its punch, but it seemed a lot tamer, more run of the mill erotica. Still a decent story, but not as potent as the first.

Your website was incredible. The graphics were amazing and it clearly showed the time you must have spent building it. I loved the photos, in fact I found myself wishing I had been there when some of them were taken, just because it looked like so much fun. That and the castles...talk about drool time ;) I would have loved to have taken up space in a suitcase just to see those in person. Wow!

I hope you enjoy your time on the boards, most of us are warm welcoming people who I hope enhance your stay. Looking forward to seeing more of you.

Anyone else?
 
I was instantly immersed in your universe, and I greatly enjoyed it. Dark and passionate I’d say – but then again, isn’t ‘dark’ always passionate?

I loved both your stories in very different ways; the first one, The Collaring, exposed Cosette’s serene surrender, and the Marquis, well… I saw him as demanding yet giving, sadistic yet loving – the kind of Master I dream of.

As for the second story, I was literally horny after reading it. I don’t know if that was your goal or not, but that’s the effect reading The Visit had on me.

Your choice of words… just renders me speechless; words so appropriate and… picturesque. As mentioned, it brought me into your universe instantly and the images were so vivid I didn’t want to leave.

I am eager to read more.
 
Constructive Feedback

I must say that when I see requests for feedback that include something like this:

If these stories strike a chord with my readers, I'll continue the tales.

I am always struck by the thought that the author is most likely to be overly concerned with how he or she is received, and not with the quality and substance of their writing. Words like this imply that the author wants praise more than constructive feedback on how to improve his or her craft.

Authors who writes for the love of it and who have something to say, and who want to work at honing their craft regardless of how well or poorly the accolades stream in, are the ones I admire the most. Those who are only willing to continue if they receive ovations are most often doing it only for the ego gratification the feedback represents, and not for the love of creating something, and of learning how to do it better.

A bit harsh, perhaps, but if you have more to say with your writing, have the courage to just 'do it' and accept the praise and the brickbats that may come, and learn from each.

I read "La Roque: The Collaring", of the stories offered for critique.

As for the story, my foremost suggestion is to tone down the description. It comes across as over-done with the imagery and the adjectives. "Florid" is how I would describe it. I know you're tyring to set the tone of a medieval setting with the language, but the over-describing of the scene and the participants keeps hitting us over the head with adjectives.

I'll use the first paragraph as an example:

The Marquis Sébastien La Roque stood near the soft crackle of the fire, armored and draped in a black cloak which fell like velvet sin from his broad shoulders. Leather clad fingers tugged at the greying hair of his chin as his eyes traveled the rises, curves, and valleys of the delectable female flesh at his feet. As his stormy blue eyes caught hers, she quickly diverted her gaze to the floor.

He stood near the fire, not the crackle. 'Armored' is unnecessary and the 'velvet sin' doesn't add to the description of the black cloak. "Rises, curves, and valleys" is a couple words too many, too. "Curves" would be sufficient. And why are his eyes "stormy"? If they are, let the reader figure that out by his words and actions, not by telling us right off that his eyes are stormy.

I'll have to confess that the latin did nothing for me, too, other than to tell me that you are impressed with the fact that you can use latin in a story. There isn't any linkage or connection or explanation as to what the latin words mean or why he is using them along with such present-day words as "slut". It all appears a bit incongruous, really.

Sorry, but this story didn't do much for me.
 
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment, Singularity. Contrary to your assessment of my intent, I'm glad to receive admonishments as well as accolades.

On most stylistic points you've highlighted, I'll stand by my choices. The adjectives, while perhaps superfluous to the telling of the tale, often lend a certain rhythm to the text that I like to convey. The latin, as well, provides a bit of extra flavor. I feel that positus inservio resonates better than service position.

'Slut' is a common word in present day vernacular, but it's origin dates back to the 15th century. It comfortably fits within the timeframe of this milieu.

I may need to reword 'stormy'. It was intended as a color: 'stormy blue', much like 'sea blue'. If it's reading as a mood rather than a color, then I've missed the mark.

Thank you, again, for taking the time to express your view.
 
Not my thing

I read the first half of the collaring story. It's not my thing, so I can't say I found it erotic. I can understand how others would. I'll just approach it from a literary standpoint.

I agree that a lot of the description is superfluous. The "velvet sin" line made me laugh. You also forgot to capitalize the first words in many of your lines of dialogue.

You write the slave character well, especially her yearning. The dream sequence is a bit confusing, in my humble opinion.
 
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