Asunder

[pbwgal]

Hi everyone. I have just one publication on Lit. The link is in my signature line. I've received lots of positive feedback from folks which is greatly appreciated. Would also like constructive critical analysis, if anyone is interested.

Thank you!

PBW

 

[Magnetron]

Hi everyone. I have just one publication on Lit. The link is in my signature line. I've received lots of positive feedback from folks which is greatly appreciated. Would also like constructive critical analysis, if anyone is interested.

Thank you!

PBW

There are no aspects of the poem that require any medical attention.



That's my way of saying you nailed it.

 

[pbwgal]

There are no aspects of the poem that require any medical attention.



That's my way of saying you nailed it.

Thank you!

 

[Piscator]

Nice, I hope to see more

 

[pbwgal]

Nice, I hope to see more

Thank you.

 

[greenmountaineer]

Asunder

my head is filled with metal bars
that hold me to this life I know
the chains of fear and locks of doubt
are captors I can't overthrow

my heart is bound by vows I made
with braided rope, its strands of love
fragile and worn the threads still hold
on earth below and heaven above

my soul it yearns to roam and soar
beyond the edge of all that's known
but it is anchored by a troth
I do cast in a weighted stone

behind eyes closed the dream is real
our passions live with heartfelt sighs
you come to me and fill me up
your ears swallow my silent cries

there is no wrong in darkest night
no bars or chains or silken rope
beyond the real we fly and dream
our yearning hearts beat strong with hope

I love him still yet I love you
the weighty cross each day I bear
my heart divided by two loves
we cannot be so I stay here

and breathe...

This is very nice. Metal bars, chains, and rope certainly are vivid images of how imprisoned you feel.

"Asunder," I think, is a very effective title. In a subtle way it alludes to guilt, shame, and sinfulness because most readers would recognize it as a biblical admonishment concerning divorce.

"on earth below and heaven above" is a well worn phrase. It doesn't sound very original. I'd ditch it for that reason and think of some other rhyming line.

"I do cast.." felt forced to me. The unusual syntax struck me as there only to maintain the meter; for that reason, it detracts IMO.

Consider something like "worn thin, although the threads still hold."

Speaking of rhyme and meter, I think they add something to your lament. I particularly liked the near rhyme in the last stanza. Perhaps I'm making more of it than I should, but it's a good segue to "and breathe." All the other quatrains are tidy in spite of the narrative that says otherwise. I'm not sure if you intended this or it was intuitive on your part, but the last stanza for me was a subtle change in tone which set this poem apart as well as the disclosure in the next to last line. Otherwise, I would have regarded it as another "meh" lament about love.

I hope to read more submissions of yours.

 

[pbwgal]

Asunder

my head is filled with metal bars
that hold me to this life I know
the chains of fear and locks of doubt
are captors I can't overthrow

my heart is bound by vows I made
with braided rope, its strands of love
fragile and worn the threads still hold
on earth below and heaven above

my soul it yearns to roam and soar
beyond the edge of all that's known
but it is anchored by a troth
I do cast in a weighted stone

behind eyes closed the dream is real
our passions live with heartfelt sighs
you come to me and fill me up
your ears swallow my silent cries

there is no wrong in darkest night
no bars or chains or silken rope
beyond the real we fly and dream
our yearning hearts beat strong with hope

I love him still yet I love you
the weighty cross each day I bear
my heart divided by two loves
we cannot be so I stay here

and breathe...

This is very nice. Metal bars, chains, and rope certainly are vivid images of how imprisoned you feel.

"Asunder," I think, is a very effective title. In a subtle way it alludes to guilt, shame, and sinfulness because most readers would recognize it as a biblical admonishment concerning divorce.

"on earth below and heaven above" is a well worn phrase. It doesn't sound very original. I'd ditch it for that reason and think of some other rhyming line.

"I do cast.." felt forced to me. The unusual syntax struck me as there only to maintain the meter; for that reason, it detracts IMO.

Consider something like "worn thin, although the threads still hold."

Speaking of rhyme and meter, I think they add something to your lament. I particularly liked the near rhyme in the last stanza. Perhaps I'm making more of it than I should, but it's a good segue to "and breathe." All the other quatrains are tidy in spite of the narrative that says otherwise. I'm not sure if you intended this or it was intuitive on your part, but the last stanza for me was a subtle change in tone which set this poem apart as well as the disclosure in the next to last line. Otherwise, I would have regarded it as another "meh" lament about love.

I hope to read more submissions of yours.

Thank you for the feedback Green. The suggestion that really stuck with me was silken. Maybe I'll change that to chafing. The other choices were intentional and mostly for the very reasons they rubbed you the wrong way. A little discomfort and predictability were necessary to reinforce the underlying feelings hinted at in the poetry. I'm happy to be a marginal notch above meh in your review. Thank you for taking the time - greatly appreciated.