Assorted Lies

[Liar]

Please forgive me for indulging in a bit of navel-gazing here. This is my thread, which I'll use to post some poerty explorations, experiments and exhales that really doesn't fit anywhere else. I needed a place with a solid URL to send to some friends of mine.

Who knows, this might possibly turnb them into Lit poets one day, when they see this place.

And since it is about poems, poetry embryos, pre poetized ideas and decomposed lingustic constructs, I thought I might share it with you too, although I fear that it might, from time to time, be quite incomprehensible for anyone but myself.

Feel free to comment at will, or join in with whatever notion you feel suits the moment.

Sounds nuts? It is.

#L

 

[Liar]

(unfinished)

click clack
clop clop
heels that fall
like frozen drops
on astonished asphalt
untreaded for years

so that tufts and dandelion
greet the sun
biosphere creeping back
reclaiming ground
straight through
the abandoned
Main and Jones intrersection

so it's
click clack
clop thud
really

when her heel
hits the softness
of small town's defeat

and not a single breath
of familiar bustle
in the silent street
responds

but behind her eyes
the layer of once before
merges with this ghost
this empty framework
in decades of decay

and Poppy S and the Mrs
still parade
around the hardware store corner
reminding everyone
that yes indeed this is our house
and Poppy survived two wars
so indeed he is
entitled to Estate

and Patrick
a bit handsome
almost dangerous enough
but still stuck in the workshop
will never get the gears
on the deep blue homeblended hue
LA style cadillac
to run as smooth as he wish

and he wish
like she wish
to be seen by the other

but petty posing nonchalance
careful not to look
too interrested
runs as rusty in a too young heart
as those boody gears

...

 

[Liar]

THis is a pretty new style to me. The poem is completed, but not finished... I feel a revision coming on. Some feedback would be greatly appriciated.


A Reign Of Dandelion

click clack
clop clop
heels that fall
like frozen drops
on astonished asphalt
untreaded for years

so that tufts and dandelion
greet the sun
biosphere creeping back
reclaiming ground
straight through
the abandoned
Main and Jones intrersection

so it's
click clack
clop thud
really

when her heel
hits the softness
of small town's defeat

and not a single breath
of familiar bustle
in the silent street
responds

but behind her eyes
the layer of once before
merges with this ghost
this empty framework
in decades of decay

and Poppy S and the Mrs
still parade
around the hardware store corner
reminding everyone
that yes indeed this is our house
and Poppy survived two wars
so indeed he is
entitled to Estate

and young Patrick
a bit handsome
almost dangerous enough
but still stuck in the workshop
where 'Quaker State Dammit' Stetson
commands his reign

he will never get the gears
on the deep blue my own hue
LA style cadillac
to run as smooth as he wish

and he wish
like she wish
to be seen by the other

but petty posing nonchalance
careful not to look
too interrested
runs as rusty in a too young heart
as those boody gears

click clack
clop thud

and in her mind
little miss Mina runs by
chasing sunrays
and a shot at cotton candy
if she hurry she might
before it's too late

she lives down south now
niether loved nor let down
no more, but better off
alone since long ago

and if if she hurry she might
before it's too late,
have a shot, for once
at a real life again

just like here
in the corner,
the abandoned
Main and Jones intrersection

where town moved out
and dandelions moved in
life vs life
filling the space

finally
the motion capture reel
behind her eyes
fades out

and the deep blue
almost his hue
brand new four door
safe shot
awaits

to take her once again
safely away
from this reign of dandelion

a few more
clop
clop
thud
one last glance

and little miss Mina
drives south

 

[Maria2394]

hey Liar

I like your new poem, new style. The uneven rhyme is subtle and persuasive and the character sounds ( I cant spell onomotopaiea..or whatever) I like that. Tried to do it myself and it sucked...

I only read this once and nothing jumped out screaming to be changed and I will look for your final version, since you feel a rewrite coming on
maria


btw, this stanza, right here, just blew me away.. Iknow someone who thinks that, almost word for word, every single day...

"and if if she hurry she might
before it's too late,
have a shot, for once
at a real life again"

 

[champagne1982]

THis is a pretty new style to me. The poem is completed, but not finished... I feel a revision coming on. Some feedback would be greatly appriciated.

Hi there. I like the style, the title and the rhythm. You place me there and let me look around. Nicely done.

Some people who have spelling errors say, at some point, "That's intentional, I am playing with words. Who are you to tell me that there are spelling rules?"

I am a reader, writer, fellow poet and an English user. When I read a word that has letters transposed and reversed in a poem I stop, take a second glance and try to forget it until I reach the end of the piece. I try to see the hidden meaning and intent, sincerely. I look the poet's word up to make sure I'm not wrong and depending on what the mistake was, move on or try to point it out, gently, to the writer.

Then a second one crops up, possibly a third. You see where I'm going? Some try to say that it's my 'Type A/control freak' personality coming out when I see this stuff, I beg to differ. English and poetry, hell, language creativity, comes easy to me. Errors hop out of the midst of the other words and I can't avoid finding them. I don't look for them, like I said, I try to ignore them, yet there they sit. In an otherwise delightful read, their inclusion ruins my enjoyment.

I won't point them out, however there are some wonderful on-line spell check programs available for free that will. Try using SpellCheck or GrammarStation.

 

[Maria2394]

re:
typos, ( or misspelled words) I just assumed they were typos, not intentional misspellings, after reading so many posting sin the passion thread, I have sort of learned to ignore them when it's not a poem submitted, and in that regard, I totally agree with you on the spell check thing Carrie ...

 

[OT]

THis is a pretty new style to me. The poem is completed, but not finished... I feel a revision coming on. Some feedback would be greatly appriciated.


A Reign Of Dandelion

click clack
clop clop
heels that fall
like frozen drops
on astonished asphalt
untreaded for years

so that tufts and dandelion
greet the sun
biosphere creeping back
reclaiming ground
straight through
the abandoned
Main and Jones intrersection

. . .

Some snippets of goodness and some cool lines, but over all it feels wordy and rambling.

For what it's worth, here are some suggestions to maybe tighten it up (you mentioned a new style, so if tighter conflicts with the mood, then never mind)

OK, here's some random thoughts:

"astonished asphalt" is a cool line, but I'm not sure it fits.

You could drop the line "heels fall", let the reader make the leap that it must be heals doing the clop clopping.

"untreaded for years" could be dropped -- it sounds sorta odd and the next stanza you go on to talk about "abandoned".


Consider this alternative second stanza:

biosphere creeps back
with
tufts and dandelions
straight through
the abandoned
Main and Jones intersection

It may not be better, and not what you were going for, but it illustrates more tightening that I have in mind:

1. [so that] seemed like unneeded transition. In most of your other stanzas you did the same thing, in sort of a flowing stream of consciousness style. This can work, but the down side is that each stanza starts off with very weak phrasing. I wanted to start strong.

2. [Greet the sun] didn't seem to add anything to the image of deserted asphalt so I chopped it.

3. [creeping back] and [reclaiming ground] convey the same thought, I picked one to go.


I'll leave the rest of the poem alone. Hopefully you get the idea.

Of course, all of the above offered in the spirit of food for thought.

O.T.

 

[Liar]

Thanks everyone for the input. The final poem is written and submitted.

This was written by request from a diary entry that little miss (now big mrs) Mina, a soulmate friend of mine, was kind enough to let me read. I can only hope I did it justice.



Maria, I was a little afraid of the clop clop thing. That, and the quite different themes within the poem (some abstract shit about nature, some townsfolks quotes, some phiosophical musings) is what prompted me to bounce it with you folks.

Carrie, them be typos, no more. If people do intentional misspellings, they'd better do them damn good and in the right context, to create cool double entendres in a piece with lots of wordpay for instance. In this narrative piece that would be just plain bad. I pull all my stuff through Word or RoughDraft before final draft, but this one was written in that little forum input box, and constantly edited. So frankly, I couldn't be arsed. It's sumbitted error free now (I hope). So you might be able to read it today already without retching.

OT, very good points. I don't know if my revised version that much less wordy than my first, but your comment did draw to my attention how scattered the different notions and lines sometimes were. I think I have a better structure in it now.

Mina, thanks for the mail. I don't know if you read this, but I have corrected the things you pointed out now.

#L

 

[Liar]

rock

no man is one

nor an island
they say

but a rock
is no man either

I learned this
today

not every stone
hides a diamond
at it's core

and nor all rock
is sprung
from the same
golden ore

a rock
draws no breath

and even those few
that hides
what we seek

will not let it
shine through

no man is a rock

they all bleed
just like me

but somebody
please

tell me why
they should be

 

[minsue]

Oooh, I like that one! Especially

not every stone
hides a diamond
at it's core

Another new favorite thread to lurk on. Now if only I can get the lurking part down right...

 

[tie22dna]

Lair's poem

Hi,

Here is your original poem:
A Reign Of Dandelion

click clack
clop clop
heels that fall
like frozen drops
on astonished asphalt
untreaded for years

so that tufts and dandelion
greet the sun
biosphere creeping back
reclaiming ground
straight through
the abandoned
Main and Jones intrersection

(c) Liar

and heres my take, you can always prune your poems from words like, as that, but, etc... so you can drop the thats in here, so you keep the visual solid in the present tense:

"click clack
clop clop
heels fall
like frozen drops
on astonished asphalt
untreaded for years

ttufts and dandelion
greet the sun
biosphere creep(S) back(,)
reclaiming ground
straight through
the abandoned
Main and Jones intrersection"
(c) Liar

You have some great imagery here, solid and strong, but I feel that poetry is not all of images, and you didnt give a direction at all for this reader (thats just me) to arrive to the meaning. (Understand also that poetry is subjective, its art) Very nice free flow and snippet of imagery, but theres something thats being held back from the reader. I feel this is incompleter, and only fragments of a poem.

Suree
tie22dna@yahoo.com

 

[Liar]

Re: Lair's poem

You have some great imagery here, solid and strong, but I feel that poetry is not all of images, and you didnt give a direction at all for this reader (thats just me) to arrive to the meaning. (Understand also that poetry is subjective, its art) Very nice free flow and snippet of imagery, but theres something thats being held back from the reader. I feel this is incompleter, and only fragments of a poem.

Hi!

Thanks for the input. Very good points about pruning the language. I tend to get a little overzealous on filler words now and then. Need to watch that. The whole poem was an experiment with a style that I'm quite new at, and don't master very well yet. Fragmented as you say, half intentional, but possibly overdone. I'll keep your words in mind next time I try this.

Thank you,
#L

 

[tie22dna]

Im glad you didnt take any offense Owww, what a relief, considering everytime I constructively critique, some poets hackles rise.

Ill be looking out for more of your writes.

Suree

 

[Liar]

Trying Haiku

sunlight slithers
over newborn green islands
life and death quilt


Feel free to rewirte, Jim

 

[tie22dna]

Hi, Jim

Very good short write, very potent, I like the way you entwined this with nature...the very essence of haikus.

Im no poet guru, but as far as my knowledge of haiku goes...its 5, 7, 5 syllable scheme with absolute no metaphor (theoretically) and I find that this poem is symbolical.

Suree
http://pub66.ezboard.com/bpoeticconfessions

 

[Liar]

Hi, Jim

Very good short write, very potent, I like the way you entwined this with nature...the very essence of haikus.

Im no poet guru, but as far as my knowledge of haiku goes...its 5, 7, 5 syllable scheme with absolute no metaphor (theoretically) and I find that this poem is symbolical.

Suree
http://pub66.ezboard.com/bpoeticconfessions

I need to check what I'm typing, it seems.

I'm not Jim. I was asking Jim, or jthserra as his alias here on Lit is called, to do what he damn well pleased with it. (And so can you, thanks for the input. )

He knows quite a lot about haikus, and one of the things he taught me is that a haiku does not have to be 5-7-5. He has a whole series abiut how to write them, in the How To story section of Lit. This is my first attempt after thoroughly reading his articles to write one of my own.

#L

 

[Liar]

A somewhat experiemtal form. Any impression is appriciated...

eventually
all other rock
will have been ground
to sand and sand
eventually
will fall apart
to dust and dust
as well disintegrate
and then the teeth of time
will have no choice
than try to do the same
with stone the stone
within that wears
you out and out
of where it turns
to sand and sand
to dust to air
a song will fill
the empty void
and resonate
in all and all
will soar in tune
with you
eventually

 

[minsue]

I had to work for it. To read it, I mean. I normally read very quickly and, in this case, had to fight my eyes trying to scan so quickly and drag them back over the words. I'm not sure if you consider that a good thing or not, but for me it was. I like that.

My head aches, but it was well worth it to me.

 

[Liar]

Thx Min.

Same words, different breaks. Different poem?

eventually
all other rock
will have been ground
to sand
and sand
eventually
will fall apart
to dust
and dust
as well disintegrate

and then
the teeth of time
will have no choice
than try to do the same
with stone

the stone
within that wears
you out

and out of where
it turns to sand
and sand to dust
to air

a song will fill
the empty void
and resonate
in all

and all will soar
in tune with you
eventually

 

[Liar]

I showed this to a friend of mine yesterday, she found it highly erotic.
I think she needs therapy.


Bite Me

yeah
you heard me
open wide

accept
take a chunk
of bittersweet

go on
sink your teeth in
work those jaws
for real
this time

bite yes bite
until all held
heaven or hell
bursts free
to coat your lips
with all that is me

    water nectar syrup
              spirit spit semen
                        bourbon blood bile
                                  acid lava love

I'm your apple
in the garden of eden

so bite baby bite
become
a part of me
tonight

 

[minsue]

LOL You may be right in your assessment, Liar. I, too, found it highly erotic. I'm really quite mad, though, and definitely need therapy.

 

[My Erotic Tail]

Wondeful~

I showed this to a friend of mine yesterday, she found it highly erotic.
I think she needs therapy.


Bite Me

yeah
you heard me
open wide

accept
take a chunk
of bittersweet

go on
sink your teeth in
work those jaws
for real
this time

bite yes bite
until all held
heaven or hell
bursts free
to coat your lips
with all that is me


I'm your apple
in the garden of eden

so bite baby bite
become
a part of me
tonight

hehehehehehe...hey this is great, I could even
clasify it as poetic lessons cause sometimes I can't
even see how they call it poerty and everybody says
great poem and I'm like what in the hell was that
about so I re read and still don't get it....but your
thread will allow me to see how you put one of those
together and perhaps learn something....hell I'm just
a country boy who likes to write...doin' it foir fun...
but now I get to see a poet in action.....I enjoy
it liar, continue please.
Oh and I liked "Bite Me"...hehehehe

 

[Liar]

work in progress

Not quite sure where this is heading... saving/posting it here for for my own contemplation and any thought anyone might have...


are we nocturnal
creatures of dusk
wide pupil night vision
enhanced

deep sea monsters
clinging to bare rock
and one another
like nothing else
mattered

as if we could
go on like this
forever

in silent
carnal nexus
exploring the depth
of each other's
oceans

are we amazon
astral ancient
spanning from history
to hysteria

lost the momentum there... maybe I took a wrong turn?... will try again later

 

[Liar]

work in progress 1.1

Ok, I think I unriddled the little rascal


Are we nocturnal,
creatures of dusk?
Wide pupil night vision
enhanced

deep sea monsters,
clinging to bare rock
and one another,
like nothing else
mattered.

As if we could
go on like this
forever,

in silent,
carnal nexus,
exploring the depth
of each other's
oceans.

Are we amazon,
astral, ancient,
spanning from history
to hysteria?

Rampant scribes
rewriting legends
by taste and touch
alone.

Titans in clashed
tectonic tension,
as granite, as gold,
and melting
from within.

Are we ever
anywhere as eternal
as in that madness?
A singular pinnacle
crystal moment,

when spiral galaxies
intersect,
and embrace.

 

[My Erotic Tail]

Taken on a mental flight~