Asking for feedback on Xanthopella

[peterpan]

Hi everybody,
New writer looking for feedback.
The tale is "Xanthopella: The gift" in the NonHuman category.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=12942

I actually like my own tale a lot (most of the time). I realise that this is mostly because I have pandered to myself so thoroughly that I risk vanishing up my own out-box. I don't ask to be cured of liking it but as well as constructive critisim it would be nice to get an idea of how other people categorise it.

Oh, and before you know anything about the tale, It would be interesting for you to guess the character of Xanthopella from the name; Xanthopella is not the narator.

Also, are there similar tales here that people would recommend?

 

[Merelan]

I read this yesterday and voted. It was strangely erotic. The detailing of the actual sex act was incredible, though the ending a bit confusing. It might be I was still thinking of what it would have been like to have been in her shoes, so to speak.
You have a great talent for imagery, so important, and characterization. I will definately be looking for more works by you.

 

[peterpan]

confusing?

Thanks Merelan,

The epilog was a bit of a cram. I guess what I was aiming for was to say that the universe was bigger than the story, perhaps to speculate why Xan was really at that auction. Sometimes just trying to hard to be smart perhaps. Where do you consider the ending began?

I did not understand your comment about trying to put yourself in the narator's shoes perhaps contributing to the confusion. I want readers to feel comfortable in doing so because that is how I wrote it. Could you explain some more?



[Edited by peterpan on 04-19-2001 at 04:07 AM]

 

[Merelan]

I guess I am confused about the handkerchief and the Tasteless urn. It is mentioned but call me thick, I am a bit confused. Yes, it is tasteless to have the ashes of your dead wife still around, or very romantic.
Did I miss something, very likely. Where does the handkerchief come in?
It isn't the epilogue that was confusing, just the part about the above. The epilogue was excellent, loved it.
Again, a truly erotic, and interesting story. I enjoy reading the unusual. Are there plans for more adventures?
Oh, and the bit about being in her shoes? I was imagining what it would be like to be made love to in that fashion and thought maybe I was so wrapped up in that I had missed something.

 

[p_p_man]

I found it a strange story to read. Starting off as it did with excellent desriptive passages then humour slowly being introduced, followed by some wonderfully erotic passages (I particularly liked the dance and the way you described it) but then the whole tale ending as if it were written by a different author.

I read what you said above about the end being a cram but I found that disappointing. It is such a good piece of writing - worthy of anyone's collection - I feel a bit cheated that the high standard hadn't been continued right up to the final word.

As I've said before on these boards my own personal way of judging a tale is if it grabs my attention and has a readabiity factor to maintain that attention. You've got no problem on that score - apart from that last half page or so.

The only other piece of criticism I have is that because the standard of writing is so high it seems a pity to introduce words like cunt and arse into the narrative on the few occasions you did. I didn't find they added to anything, in fact they tended to distract.

But apart from that an excellent story well told.

 

[peterpan]

Hi Merelan

I guess I am confused about the handkerchief and the Tasteless urn. It is mentioned but call me thick, I am a bit confused. Yes, it is tasteless to have the ashes of your dead wife still around, or very romantic.
Did I miss something, very likely. Where does the handkerchief come in?

The handkerchief is mentioned in the beginning as a sort of trophy she has won, related to some incident that has humiliated Lord Rracc. Indirectly (perhaps) this sees her sold to an offworlder. His attempt to regain face by exacting revenge on her leads to his destruction, by the act of her telling that tale infront of an audience he had gathered to witness his revenge. So it must be something pretty embarrassing.

I suspect that needed a bit more setup, Dropped more tempting details throughout the tale, before I then totally neglect to explain it.. sort of a shaggy dog ending in a way. Ideally the reader would be going "Yes? yes? ARRRGH!" but forgive me anyway. The purpose of the epilog was really to raise bigger questions, like how precicly was Xanthopella's mission fulfilled, how far back had she planned it, and what is a Diplomat Sabotour anyway.

PS: I do pretty much know the tale of Lord Rracc's Handkerchief and the Very Tasteless urn of his dead wife. Everyone does apart from the occasional backwater world that have probably not been visited for mellenia anyway

 

[Merelan]

The share with us... please. Sounds intriguing.

 

[peterpan]

Thanks p_p_man

...
I read what you said above about the end being a cram but I found that disappointing. It is such a good piece of writing - worthy of anyone's collection - I feel a bit cheated that the high standard hadn't been continued right up to the final word.
...
...You've got no problem on that score - apart from that last half page or so.

The only other piece of criticism I have is that because the standard of writing is so high it seems a pity to introduce words like cunt and arse into the narrative on the few occasions you did. I didn't find they added to anything, in fact they tended to distract.

But apart from that an excellent story well told.

Thanks p_p_man,
So by the ending you are just refering to the epilog? When I said a cram, I really meant a breathless collage -- an idea that might need more work as opposed to just getting lazy. It is also represents a slightly different person who has perhaps picked up a more galactic accent.

I think an epilog can also help prevent a reader hitting the end like a brick wall. Don't you hate turning a page of a novel only to find the rest is just notes? I was trying to prevent that but maybe I caused it instead.

I will have another look at it.

About the language. I actually like those words. The word arse is crude but also innocent as in: I fell on my arse. Likewise with cunt. When people describe sex with latin gynecological terms I think of stuffy scientists describing what they see through a telescope or microscope.

[Edited by peterpan on 04-21-2001 at 12:45 AM]