Asked with hope and trepidation

[sunnydawn]

i have looked over the topics here and have not found one addressing a concern of mine. i dont know if its just not been brought up or if i missed it...
Are there Dom/mes willing to take on a sub with emotional/mental problems? and all that comes with it?
I am not comfortable putting more specific details in the public question, but if you need more detail to answer i have a Word document (i saved it off a website which is now unavailable) that i can send thru email.

Thanx in advance,
Sunny

 

[serijules]

i have looked over the topics here and have not found one addressing a concern of mine. i dont know if its just not been brought up or if i missed it...
Are there Dom/mes willing to take on a sub with emotional/mental problems? and all that comes with it?
I am not comfortable putting more specific details in the public question, but if you need more detail to answer i have a Word document (i saved it off a website which is now unavailable) that i can send thru email.

Thanx in advance,
Sunny

I'd have to say there must be, because I know plenty. I can't necessarily say the relationships were good or healthy though.

I WILL say that I think it's great that you are obviously willing to be upfront about it. I know plenty of subs that use their problems to hold on to their partners (ie: guilt trips and co-dependancy) and it's not pretty, admirable or acceptable at all. If you are upfront about your problems, I think you will have no trouble finding someone willing to work with you on them or look past them or whatever needs to be done to make the relationship a healthy one.

Hope you find what you are looking for.

 

[cati]

sunnydawn...

From my own experience I have come across many submissives that come into the lifestyle carrying some sort of emotional baggage, having experienced some sort of abuse during their lives. The abuse can be sexual, physical, emotional, even verbal. Just as in any other lifestyle there are people with personality disorders as well. Many haven't sought counselling and in my opinion are a BDSM accident waiting to happen. Happily, there are people like myself who take meds regularly to relieve anxiety and the depression that often comes with it. My husband/Master has handled things very well thus far and believe me I have been a handful (but then so has he..smiles).
Should you at some point seek a relationship with an experienced loving Dominant, your relevent history must be talked about before you get involved in ANY activity. I say this first for your own protection and secondly for the Top/Dom/me. While someone has said that there are concerned and caring Dominants out there who may take things in stride, I personally believe that very few are capable or prepared to handle a scene that has become traumatic for the sub or turned violent because he /she has tripped the wrong emotional trigger.
BDSM for me has been a voyage of self-discovery. Repressed emotions both good and bad that have lain dormant for a lifetime can surface rather unexpectedly under certain conditions. We can only hope that we are in good hands *s
Again speaking for myself, I find that scening can be very therapeutic for both partners.
Of course I can't speak for the Dom/mes out there and so I hope they will respond to your post as well.
If you would send me that article. Id love to read it. The best that I can offer you is an honest if unprofessional opinion.

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

i have looked over the topics here and have not found one addressing a concern of mine. i dont know if its just not been brought up or if i missed it...
Are there Dom/mes willing to take on a sub with emotional/mental problems? and all that comes with it?
I am not comfortable putting more specific details in the public question, but if you need more detail to answer i have a Word document (i saved it off a website which is now unavailable) that i can send thru email.

Thanx in advance,
Sunny

Relationships that have BDSM as a component are just that....relationships. And people with mental illnesses get into relationships with people without MI all the time. Communicate up-front with your partner, let them know what meds you are on, how you take care of yourself day to day to stay well, and most of all, how THEY can assist in your wellness.

It doesn't have to be a struggle.

I know from personal experience.

~anelize

 

[sunnydawn]

i am grateful for the replies.
serijules
thank you for your encouraging words.

cati
I will be happy to send you the document and also more details about me. from your reply i am thinking you will understand my worries.

AnelizeDarkEyes

Relationships that have BDSM as a component are just that....relationships. And people with mental illnesses get into relationships with people without MI all the time.

i have read that same concept in other threads, thank you for reiterating it. i would say more but i dont want to sound like a pity party lol. So Thank You!
Sunny

 

[Art H.]

i have looked over the topics here and have not found one addressing a concern of mine. i dont know if its just not been brought up or if i missed it...
Are there Dom/mes willing to take on a sub with emotional/mental problems? and all that comes with it?
I am not comfortable putting more specific details in the public question, but if you need more detail to answer i have a Word document (i saved it off a website which is now unavailable) that i can send thru email.

Thanx in advance,
Sunny

I would gladly take on a sub with those types of problems, it isn't a foreign situation for me. The only problem I see, ironically, is that I'm physically disabled myself...

 

[catalina_francisco]

There are a few threads here dealing with D/s and mental health issues (as well as other disabilities). Here are a few:

D/s and Depression/Anxiety
Mental Health of subs and the Rights of Doms
Mental Health Issues and BDSM - Can They Co-exist Happily?
Subs with ADHD: Question for Dom/mes, Tops, Mistresses, Master and all other PYL's..

There are also some on self harm. Hope this helps.

Catalina

 

[Vixandra]

Personally- I would haven't have a problem taking a sub with a mental health condition so long as it was under control.

Before I get flamed here, my idea of uncontrolled is someone who's refused all help for thier illness, acts in a way that's dangerous to themselves and others and is unwilling/unable to take the steps needed to deal with thier illness.

Someone who's got at least some control of their illness recognises its there, knows that they need to deal with it and are taking steps to do so.

I speak from experiance- a combination of not sleeping, loathing my work environment and depression landed me on psych meds for almost a year before I could manage without them. I knew I had a problem and worked on it.

Personally couldn't handle being in a relationship with someone that's very depressed, for whatever reason. I'm an empath and have learned the hard way to avoid deep depression in others.

Mild depression and anxiety d/o's though, those can be handled and worked with, long as I know going into the relationship and communication lines are very clear from the get go. Would break a part of me to worsen someone's condition because I didn't know how to handle it, so I tend to ask LOTS of questions and research. Its a Domme's (PYL's) job to see to the wellbeing of thier sub, imo, and that relates to their mental health as well.

 

[Lilith]

I am still reeling from the death of someone who was bi-polar and not getting good medical treatment. Ironically he succeeded in hanging himself 3 days before he would have finally received treatment. I had no hesitation in becoming involved with him in the first place. However, now I would have to think twice, or three times even. He was the person I was exploring the idea of BDSM relationships with. I think this may be why/where I lost some of my Domme-ness. I became too vulnerable and his mental illness was a variable I was unable to control. And I need to have control. I have not allowed myself to be put in that situation again and I'm not sure I will.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I became too vulnerable and his mental illness was a variable I was unable to control. And I need to have control. I have not allowed myself to be put in that situation again and I'm not sure I will.

Hopefully you will get past this hiccough. As much as control is the desire of the Dominant, not all things can be controlled by anyone and there will always be those variables involved at some point...the lesson to learn in such times is how best to cope with the uncontrollable in a way which is positive and controlled.

Catalina

 

[cati]

a bit more.

sunnydawn...

A site that offers the reader a healthy perspective on BDSM play can be found at www.sexuality.org
See the section on "Therapy and Behaviour Modification in BDSM".

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Hi Sunny

Certainly there are PYL's who will take on a relationship with a pyl who has a mental illness. I'm one. As long as the pyl understands _I_ am not going to "fix" her problem. I'll help to the best of my ability, but they have to make the effort, get professional help, medication if necessary.

Best of luck!

 

[raven2]

i am grateful for the replies.
serijules
thank you for your encouraging words.

cati
I will be happy to send you the document and also more details about me. from your reply i am thinking you will understand my worries.

AnelizeDarkEyes

i have read that same concept in other threads, thank you for reiterating it. i would say more but i dont want to sound like a pity party lol. So Thank You!
Sunny

You certainly don't sound like a pity party. I think it took alot of courage to be so honest about yourself. I hope you find the Dom you are looking for and that things work out well for you.

 

[raven2]

I am still reeling from the death of someone who was bi-polar and not getting good medical treatment. Ironically he succeeded in hanging himself 3 days before he would have finally received treatment. I had no hesitation in becoming involved with him in the first place. However, now I would have to think twice, or three times even. He was the person I was exploring the idea of BDSM relationships with. I think this may be why/where I lost some of my Domme-ness. I became too vulnerable and his mental illness was a variable I was unable to control. And I need to have control. I have not allowed myself to be put in that situation again and I'm not sure I will.

I am really very sorry to hear that. You have my deepest sympathy. Emotional illnesses are certainly the hardest to deal with because of the variables involved. I hope that in time, you may be able come to terms with your loss and heal.

 

[marieR19]

Just have to add my 2 cents here.... I have a lot of "baggage" from my past, along with current mental problems that most people on this board know about. However, I have a wonderful Mistress who is very understanding about my needs, and I feel safe and comfortable enough to be honest with her if my mental state is not up to par. Many people out there, Doms or not, have significant others with mental/physical problems.


Heather

 

[Lilith]

Thanks for the kind words. I think part of my problem is that I take responsibility so seriously. I think like many have said it is a relationship issue not strictly a BDSM issue in my case. I say I'd be hesitant but to be honest if something in someone spoke to me I'd explore the possibility.

 

[raven2]

Thanks for the kind words. I think part of my problem is that I take responsibility so seriously. I think like many have said it is a relationship issue not strictly a BDSM issue in my case. I say I'd be hesitant but to be honest if something in someone spoke to me I'd explore the possibility.

I am very glad to hear it. I also take responsibility seriously and it has its tough moments.

 

[pandoravampire]

I met a wonderful man, full of lfe, zesty and zany. We fell in love at first sight. Literally.
13 yrs on, his mother died, he became first grief stricken, that was difficult, to watch someone you love, so sad. Then he never recovered, he became psychotic. His irrational beliefs broke us. I watched the man of my dreams, percieve me as a threat to his self. I would never harm this man, i loved him with all that i was. But now, suddenly, i was the enemy. And it broke, what was once, beautiful - into a million pieces.
No, i would never enter a relationship with someone i knew was mentally unstable. Because i could not face that sort of loss again. Because i never again, want to see, so much pain on the face of the one i love.

I think the 'out of my control' translates for me as a submissive, as no matter how much you want to help, sometimes, you cant.

pandoravampire

 

[Purple Sage]

i have looked over the topics here and have not found one addressing a concern of mine. i dont know if its just not been brought up or if i missed it...
Are there Dom/mes willing to take on a sub with emotional/mental problems? and all that comes with it?
I am not comfortable putting more specific details in the public question, but if you need more detail to answer i have a Word document (i saved it off a website which is now unavailable) that i can send thru email.

Thanx in advance,
Sunny

It's all in the details. 'Mental Illness' covers such a wide range of issues. Some organic disorders can be worked around easily, others not. A slight touch of OCD, for instance, can be an attractive quality in a submissive- but a really serious case would create pretty major stresses on the whole concept of submission: how can a person 'submit' to the will of another if their behaviors are driven, in detail, by inner compulsions? In general, I would say that mental illness is considered 'illness' because it interferes with a person's ability to control their own actions and responses. To the extent that it does this, it obviously interferes with the ability of a dominant to exert control over these same things. The important issue is whether the degree of 'illness' allows for enough self-control to allow for meaningful outside control.

A lot of 'mental illness' in our society stems from trauma. Trauma victims can certainly benefit from an orderly and supportive environment. People with severe trauma, however, have internal chaos that doesn't simply go away on it's own. It's important to have the help of someone who understands trauma to process and heal these things, and a D/s relationship has many components that can be retraumatizing.

As to PYLs willing to work with the mentally ill- the answer is, all too frequently, yes. Too many dominants believe they can 'control' mental illness by controlling behaviors, but this approach is effective only a small fraction of cases. Others simply see someone with mental issues as vulnerable. Others, of course, have mental health issues of their own, which can make for a volatile and dangerous combination. Please be cautious.

 

[cati]

Catalina..thanks for posting the thread on ADHD.

While I may not be hyperactive per-se. I can get bored, forget things and well... just become scatterbrained during times of stress. It's very difficult for me to sit quietly and listen while I'm being lectured or chastized by my Dominant without my mind eventually wandering. I also have a tendency of interrupting conversations, knowing that if I have to wait to say something I'm going to forget what it was that I initially wanted to say. My Master gets frustrated at my forgetting bits of conversation... he claims that it's just a matter of paying attention. Needless to say this behaviour has gotten me into some very hot water over the years.
I have been taking Ritalin for about 8 years now and it has helped enormously and of course I have read as much as I can about Adults with ADD.

It would have been nice to learn about this "disorder" when I was a child, as much of the damage to my self-esteem might have been prevented.
....Being attention deficit is no big deal....