Ask/tell a married, bisexual"ish" bitterly trans-attracted man anything WARNING: Dark

[Legatus]

Ask/tell a married, bisexual"ish" bitterly trans-attracted man anything WARNING: Dark

WARNING: TRANSPHOBIC CONTENT

NOTE: I copied this over from the GB, because the response there was not helpful. I expect a negative response, but I'd like it if the response could at least address the topic and have some substance behind it.
I'll also add that I use the term "tranny" loosely. I have been called on this by haurni, and will attempt to use "transgender" or "TG" when referring to them in a non-sexual context.
Finally, I feel like I need to say again, I am truly sorry if my words have hurt anyone. These are my demons I'm battling.

(Sit back, because this is going to be a long post, and it gets pretty dark)


From the fiasco I started in the "Ask a MtF TG a question" thread, I'm starting this thread to express my anger, regret, pain, and hopefully find some healing. I'd like to say thank you to yukonnights for PMing me to change my perspective, even if the change is slight.


(You can read what I wrote here for full context if you want -- post 1715):


http://forum.literotica.com/showthre...960170&page=69



For my first order of business, I'd like to apologize to anyone I've hurt with my words. This is going to be a trip into my mind and experiences, it will not be pretty, I will lose some of you, and some of you will think I'm pure evil. This is an exploration and explanation for why I have this palpable anger and numbing contempt that I would like to let go of.


That being said, here's a detailed look at who I am:


I'm straight, or at least I carry myself and identify that way publicly. Privately, I am attracted to women and MtF transexuals. I am attracted to dominate "top" TSes, who I'm told are a construct of the porn industry, though I partially disagree on that assertion (but more on that later).


I am happily married to a woman who is literally everything I could ask for in a partner. She is kind, understanding, and unwaveringly loyal. She is bisexual, but leans toward straight. We have shared our sexual deviances and past experiences with each other, and we are both okay with it.


I am 29 years old, on the upper end of the millennial generation. I served in the military, have a bachelor's degree, and have a career in corporate America. I identify religiously as a Christian and politically as a libertarian. I own my own home, enjoy making art, prefer building things as opposed to buying them, try to 'buy American', vote republican, drive a truck, and own guns.


I am, to all outward appearances, a caricature of your average, middle American white dude.



Here's the issue I come to the lit forums for today:


I had a "almost-relationship" with a transexual years back, and as a result of its failure, and the failure to find another like her, I have developed a callous, dehumanizing, numbing contempt for the TS community.


This TS I met years ago was by every measure, my ideal transexual. She was tall, at least 5'11", maybe 6'. She had an incredible body, almost like a sculpted greek statue. Her hips were volumous, her ass had a nice cute bubble shape, her arms were slender, her boobs, while fake, seemed real enough, they were big, probably D cups, and had a fleshy squishiness that would make you think they were real. Her cock (good lord her cock!), was easily over 8, probably 9 inches long. Placing her cock in my hand, my finger tips extended and meeting her balls, her shaft could cover the length of my fingers and palm, with her head touching somewhere on my wrist. I've experimented with men who didn't have a cock like that.


She wasn't "manufactured by the porn industry". She was real.


We met through AdultFriendFinder, and had a regular FWB thing going for a while. Things were going great, she did everthing I fantasized a TS would do; she let me suck her cock, she would feed inch after merciless inch into me, forcing me to deepthroat it, and she would fuck my ass with every variety of intensity, from gentle, sweet love making, to savagely pounding my guts in. The fullness of it was incredible.


(A detailed account of an encouter with her can be found here):


http://forum.literotica.com/showpost...0&postcount=20



What's not to love, right?


Well, after things were going good for a few months, she just plain lost interest. Our hook ups slowed, and the handful of dates we went on stopped completely. I pressed the issue and told her I was having feelings for her, and that I would want to consider building a relationship, but she said that would never work and finally admitted that this was a fling for her, that she didn't ever want to be in a relationship, and then went totally silent--no emails, calls, or texts.


"Fine then, I'll just go back to regular women."


I liked them too, BFD if the tranny didn't work out.


So I started going out with a girl I met in college, we eloped, stayed married for a little less than a year, and then broke it off. She knew about my past and our sex life was great, there were just other issues present that were irreconcilable (she revealed she was an athiest, and was basically "faking" her Christian faith to be with me, but that's a separate can of worms I don't want to get into in this thread).



"That's fine" I thought. "I've been dumped before, divorce this early in life isn't all that different, I'll be fine. This might actually be a good opportunity to go find another TS."


You'd think that seems like a reasonable outlook, right?

Well, you'd be wrong.


First I tried the tranny I was with before, after 3 or 4 texts and an email, she finally responded. It was a welcome feeling of relief. We met up at her place, and it felt like we picked up right where we left off. The third or forth time seeing her, I started talking about the possibility of a relationship again. She avoided addressing it directly, and seemed mainly interested in having sex with me. I left that night and after another couple days tried to get in touch again. No answer. I tried her again after another day. Again, no answer.


So she blew me off a second time. That feeling was crushing, but I resolved to keep trying to find the TS of my dreams.


I tried going back to dating sites, went to a few local LGBT-friendly bars and clubs, and set out to find a new TS girl to hopefully get what I was looking for. I was met with complete failure.


On the dating sites and Craigslist ads, the overwhelming majority of contacts I made were with TS prostitutes. I want, at the very least, an ongoing string of sexual encounters, if not, a relationship. It said that in my ads and it said that in my profile, yet these people are inundating my inbox with "hey sexy, you feeling generous?" "Spoil me" and "its my birthday" messages. These are the probably ones who fueled my start down the path of regarding *them as reprehensible scum. If you want to sell yourself for drugs or money, fine. Knock yourself out. Just don't come looking for patronage from someone who CLEARLY doesn't want to pay for what you're peddling.


After all (and here's where most of you will likely start hating me), you're a *transexual*. *You should be happy I'm even interested in you and not disregarding you as some pervese aberration. In other words, I'm entitled. I've never paid for pussy, I'm sure as hell not paying for dick.


Whatever though. Shake it off. Keep going.


Okay, so online isn't going to work. I can't communicate without wading through a swampy mess of sex workers. No big deal, I'll hit the local bars and clubs more often. So after going through this effort, and meeting with countless TS girls and either getting turned down outright or getting their attention only to find out they are not tops/dominant and would never consider doing it.


Finally, I meet one who is "sorta" passible. She would probably get mistaken for a butch lesbian or crossdresser that isn't putting in a lot of effort into it. She didn't have implants, but did her make up okay, so I could get past it.

I took her on a couple dates, we talked, and she led me believe that she was what I was looking for -- a top. After about 3 weeks, she invited me over for dinner and a movie. She had a lesbian room mate who was all like "it's so cool of you to go out with her". I can't recall how I responded, I think it was something like a shrug or an awkward "yeah, it's no problem".


After dinner we started making out about 30 minutes into our movie. We made our way back to her room, she stripped my shirt off, and I pulled off her sun dress. She pulled me to the bed, unbuttoned my jeans and started sucking my dick. The BJ was good, but I didn't want to finish that way. So I gently pulled her head off me, rolled her onto her back, and began kissing down her neck and chest. I made my way down and pulled her panties off to reveal her semi erect cock. It was smaller than she described, maybe 4 inches (she claimed 6 or 7), but I thought "it's okay, I can make it work".


As I sucked her head into my mouth, wanting to return the favor for her BJ. Just as I began, I felt her shudder and squirm. She squeeked "no", and I pulled off of her, looking puzzled and asking "what's wrong?"


She looked right at me and said "not there, I can't, I don't like it like that".


I had been led to believe that she was dominant, a top, and wanted to rock my world like the previous TS I described (I told her about the last girl).


I'm sure the disappointment on my face was evident to her, because she started to come at me again, kissing me in a way that felt forced and stroking my cock.


Eventually, we just let it fade, relaxed, and went back to our movie. Afterward, she wanted me to sleep with her (as in literally go to sleep with her). I went with it, and joined her in bed. I could not fall asleep. I was seething with frustration and anger at how she led me on. After tossing and turning for a couple hours, I just got up in the middle of the night and got dressed. She woke up and sleepily asked "what's wrong?". *As much as I wanted to say "fuck off", I just made some excuse about being up for work early and said "I'll see you around" as I shuffled out the door.


On the way down the elevator, I felt nauseous. Like I was literally going to vomit. I couldn't believe I had slept with that fugly tranny just because she had the promise of offering me what I wanted, what I was craving. I felt horrible, digusted, like I was wronged, like everything I wanted was a lie and I would never find it.


I went home, jerked off, and went to sleep. Through the next week I tried again in vain to find the TS girl that I was sure at this point didn't exist.


Eventually I gave up, and started dating women again.


Having children was important to me, as was having a traditional family with an all-American wife, so maybe it worked out for the best. In that aspect, it did. I met the women that would become my wife a few months after that, and we are now happily married.


She is/was bisexual, and we've shared the details of our past sex lives. To help me with what I lost out on, she agreed to try pegging with me. We do it occasionally, and it is incredible with her. She's told me since we've started, she gets off to having the power and watching me take it like her bitch.


Our marriage is healthy, and I couldn't imagine being happy without her.


But -- there is one thing missing. Pegging isn't the same as having a real transexual use her cock on you. Anally, it's different, but not very much, but orally.... that's something I miss dearly.


Kissing her perfect tits before she jams that thick prick into my mouth. Feeling her grow to hardness in between my lips. Watching her squirm and writhe with pleasure as I spiral my tongue around her head.


That's a vital part missing from my sex life.


(If you aren't digusted at me by now, don't worry, you will be soon)


The tantalizing memory of it, the realization that the extremely limited encounter I had was an anomaly, that 99.99% of the trannies out their either chop their dicks off, don't use them, or will only use them if they're paid to, fills me with rage.


This is something yukonnights brought to my attention and caused me to seriously reflect on what's in my soul.


I hate them.


I hate them with burning contempt that is scarcely rivaled.


I have admiration, lust, and longing for the ones that actually are tops, who will use their cocks, fuck, or be fucked, with it all being the same.


However, the ones who get gender reassignment surgery, the ones who are "bottom only", the prostitutes, the non-passible ones who do not even make an attempt to look like something other than a "man in a dress", and worst of all, the Social Justice Warriors.


I hate them.


I hate listening to them, I hate acknowledging them, I hate their advocates and allies, I hate the social changes they are trying to bring in society.

I feel a satisfaction in their misfortune and mistreatment. I am apathetic to their cries for help.


(Stick with me, we're almost done and it may get slighly better)


Probably most prominently, I hate that I hate them. I hate that I have allowed an entire community of human beings to wield such influence over me. I hate that my contempt for them is hardening my heart. I hate the fact that I derive satisfaction in cruelty towards them.


I want to change that, I'd like to change that, but I don't know if I can.


yukonnights reminded me of my Christian faith, that I've turned my back on my values by chosing anger over forgiveness, that forgiveness has immeasurable power. I believe all those things, but that hate has been with me so long. Like a cancer it has metastasized on my heart. It is a real, palpable hate. I carry it, and it carries me.


It's not the so-called hate that most "Christians" have i.e. calling homosexual acts a sin. It is a hatred of their humanity. It's a hatred that they are breathing the same air as me. It's hatred at the sight or mention of them.


Mind you, it's not a hatred that would make me lash out violently, rather, it's a quiet one. The best things I could compare it to would be the rank-and-file German church-goers who sang hymns louder to drown out the sound of screms from the passing cattle carts full of Jews the SS were sending to concentration camps, or the silent apathy and disgust that many regular southerners felt towards the blacks during the reign of Jim Crow laws.


I'm not a foot soldier bringing violence and hatred to their community. I'm an onlooker muttering under my breath "serves you right".


I want to change, but that feeling of absolute rage is something I can only describe as something physical. Like there is literally a hot coal at the base of my lungs, burning through me when I think about what I've been denied.


I honeslty don't know what to do with it. Occasionally I have tried to get rid of it, let it go, even pray about it. Sometimes it works, though only temporarily. Then when I'm feeling turned on and am hungry for a tranny, it come screaming back



I really don't know what to do with it, and I'm hoping for some constructive feedback, though I know a lot of it will likely be negative.



For another glimpse into my psyche, here's a literotica piece I wrote to hopefully get some of it out. Read it if you want (or don't):

https://www.literotica.com/s/a-masseuse-named-eve

 

[Legatus]

Moved from the GB to hopefully get some replies with substance.

 

[haurni]

To readers: there's nothing worth seeing in the GB version of this thread, but for those interested I recommend reading the exchanges on p.70 of Stickygirl's "Ask a MtF TG" thread.

 

[SlutAddicted]

Sounds like you are angry at a group of people for not being what you want them to be.

Sure people misrepresent themselves. It sucks. But it happens all the time and it isn't unique to one group. It sounds like the first trans gender partner who left you disappointed made it clear she didn't want more - you aren't entitled to expect more.

You aren't better than "them" but it sounds like you think are. As if you regard yourself as enlightened for wanting to fuck a "tranny" but they are damaged for being one.....how dare they?

Maybe you are projecting your own self loathing. Maybe not. But the disappointment you have experienced trying to find the right partner is not unique to you or your chosen mate preference. That doesn't give you the right to stereotype one whole group or expect them to be what you want. By all means be disappointed or even angry with the individuals you think have misled you but leave it at that.

I recall a friend years ago who was bi-curious. He got it in his head that all he had to do was pick out the gay/bi man he wanted and start sucking. It bothered him when he got shot down. Why did he assume he would automatically be more appealing to gay men than to straight women? Were they "supposed" to be less discriminating? Were they "supposed" to see him as better and therefore themselves as lucky?

It can be damn irritating when someone you think is lesser than you sees themselves as equal. I have met a lot of people in my life and few were prepared to be treated on the basis of "you should be happy I am even interested in you." And if they did accept that proposition it was from a position of weakness that they desperately wanted to get away from.

It isn't hard to imagine trans gender people having a hard time coming to grips with their sexuality. But before you condemn them consider that attitudes like yours are the reason some are in a dark place. Maybe instead of condemning them look at the damage you are doing to yourself and try a little understanding. Stop seeing yourself as someone deigning to grace "them" with your presence and understand that you are one of "them" (maybe not trans but a trans lover).

 

[Legatus]

Maybe you're onto something. I certainly have had a feeling of being rejected by someone I'm "better than". It sucks.

 

[yukonnights]

Just a quick note. As Legatus mentioned, we have been discussing this very issue in private. I tend to believe he is sincere, but I must admit to not being 100% sure. As you can tell, he is educated and writes very well so this could just be a ruse. He has, however, softened his approach and his words in discussing this issue he wants to resolve. I hope others here at GLBT will grant him the benefit of the doubt, try to overlook any callous language in hopes it may change, and most of all I hope that if this is a sincere cry for help in vanquishing some demons, that some of the wise ones who might have healing words will step forward and try to help. For, as was said above, Legatus is a part of the LBGT community...and it won't hurt to try offering a little kindness. (But, Legatus should also know by now that it'll be hard for kindness to continue in the face of insults and insincerity)

And now to Legatus; It seems worthwhile to ask you; What do you hope to receive from all of this? I know the outcome you wish for is that the hatred you feel will go away...that you can be happy in your life. But, by what mechanism, what words, what actions? In other words, what can we do or say here that will help...what advice are you hoping to find? It would help knowing what is expected of this forum.

 

[Legatus]

Honestly, I don't really know how anyone can help. I'm hoping that by expressing my feelings, getting them out there, warts and all, that perhaps someone will say something profound.

I still have the hatred, and it's burning deep inside me like acid. I want to get rid of it, but I'm not sure how. I know some might say I should just "let go of it", but like I've said before, it's become attached to me, a part of me. It's hard to change a thing that you've held as a conviction for such a long time, but I do want to make a change.

In short:
I don't know how I'll make it change, that's why I've brought my question here for all to see.

 

[Palamino19]

First, dating sites, while sometimes being a place where people meet people they really like and have good relationships with, are always the last place anyone should use to judge a whole swath of people.

Second, and if you merely omitted info, the dream girl you once had sex with, you don't actually describe her like a person. You say you wanted and want a relationship with someone like her, but none of your description is a relationship. More importantly, she made clear she didn't want a relationship, and you made clear you did, and when she let it trail off, you ignored the fact that she didn't want what you wanted and kept trying. She didn't do anything wrong as far as I can see, no decent person who is just after a fling is going to continue doing so with someone who wants more, she did not lead you on. I'm not sure you have a leg to stand on as far as being mad at her.

As for not respecting submissive ladies, this just hits home the same point that your post seems to hit on. If you omitted aspects that make this not true, forgive me, but it seems like the only tg people you respect are those who fulfill your purposes in exactly the context you want. That, again, is not a relationship, that is you wanting someone else to be what you want them to be.

I'm guessing here, but I would imagine it is correct to say that you are not in a position to actually have a real relationship with a tg person, as in, share a life, know each others' friends and family, do things other than fuck, and not have to have even the fact that you know each other be a secret.

Exactly how do you think you could have a relationship with someone long-term without that? Why would you think that someone else could find happiness with you that way?

As for the passive girl, or at least the one who either doesn't want a blowjob or who perhaps cannot perform that way, yes, she was dishonest, but she also gave all indications that she liked you. These things don't make her a bad person, especially considering that I would imagine that it is unbelievably frustrating for tg people to date due to the high volume of people who would date them, but not want to be seen by anyone they know with them, or who merely want to try a tg like they are a different flavor of soda as opposed to another person looking for a relationship.

In the world of relationships, being lied to because someone thought I wouldn't like them for something about themselves that isn't really a bad thing doesn't even make the scale of reasons to be all that mad at them, especially considering it was just a date.

You want to date someone who, odds are pretty good, had to or has to hide their life out of actual fear. Violent crimes against tg people are astronomically high compared to their percentage of the population. Whole communities will not hesitate to harm their livelihood if they find out, and there is no shortage of people who believe violence against them is justified. You are swimming upstream if you believe that there is a great number of tg people who long-term are going to want yet more secrets, being with you but not having any part in the bulk of your life, and you not being a part in the bulk of their life.

I'm just not seeing that you have even the slightest cause to hate them. It sounds a lot like you are mad because you aren't getting what you want, but you are not examining whether what you want is in the least bit reasonable.

Flings are temporary. Relationships are not flings with a longer shelf life, and even fwb situations mean friends, people everyone knows is your friend, but you never even mention a single personality trait that the person you wished was with you has.

Someone mentioned Stickygirl talked a bit on this with you, she's the one to talk to, I don't have a ton of knowledge on this topic, but there are some things that are common sense.

If you are wanting someone who will part of a genuine relationship that doesn't have to be partitioned off from the rest of your life, and you are only finding all the wrong people, you have every right to, like the rest of the dating world, lament how shitty dating can be. Nothing more.

If not, then you are not being honest either, with yourself, and with anyone you are telling you want a relationship with. And, in that case, you really don't have a right to be mad at anyone.

Further, if you hated all women after as few failed attempts as you describe with tg women, I'm pretty sure you would have never ended up with the woman you're with now.

 

[haurni]

Sounds like you are angry at a group of people for not being what you want them to be.
[...]
You aren't better than "them" but it sounds like you think are. As if you regard yourself as enlightened for wanting to fuck a "tranny" but they are damaged for being one.....how dare they?

I think SlutAddicted made some good points here. What I get from your posts is a massive sense of entitlement.

Trans women should conform to your ideas of how they should look, and those that don't deserve to be judged (by you and by society) as failures and are therefore legitimate targets for violence.

'Fugly' women (and trans women) deserve to be called out as such (or, at the very least, should expect such things). In other words, women should conform to your expectations of how they look.

Trans women who don't agree to participate in the sort of sexual acts you want have no value.

You aren't 'politically correct' and you don't care about offending people. This just means that you feel entitled to make offensive and hurtful comments about/to people without regard for their feelings. This isn't even necessarily about being 'special snowflakes' (though you single out feminists and SJWs), but it's just that you feel you have licence to be rude and inconsiderate to people.

You haven't said anything racist - yet - but I honestly wouldn't be surprised if you were. Without necessarily saying that you personally are, it is a characteristic common to a significant portion of conservatives/middle-Americans/Trump supporters.

So I get the impression that you feel the world should conform to your expectations, and that it has failed to do so makes you furious. Your posts on this forum are just focusing on one aspect of that - your sexual fantasies with trans women - but I have the feeling it might be a bigger issue.

First of all, I'd ask if you think this has any bearing on your issues. Second, if you think it might, I'd ask from where this sense of entitlement has come, how else is it expressed in your life, and who else is a target of your anger.

I point out that this forum will, at best, give you the input of amateurs (a good proportion of which is likely to be wrong) and you may benefit more from professional counselling to explore these issues further.

Someone mentioned Stickygirl talked a bit on this with you, she's the one to talk to, I don't have a ton of knowledge on this topic, but there are some things that are common sense.

No, she didn't (AFAIK), and I can confidently assure you that it's not going to happen. Trans women have to deal with a huge amount of implicit and actual violence from people who fetishize and objectify them - precisely what Legatus is doing. At this point he's the poster boy for transphobia and very few trans women (aside, maybe, from sex workers, who have to deal with all kinds of shit in order to survive) are going to want to have anything to do with him at all. Just sayin'.

 

[dacoach44]

Holy Cow

WARNING: TRANSPHOBIC CONTENT

NOTE: I copied this over from the GB, because the response there was not helpful. I expect a negative response, but I'd like it if the response could at least address the topic and have some substance behind it.
I'll also add that I use the term "tranny" loosely. I have been called on this by haurni, and will attempt to use "transgender" or "TG" when referring to them in a non-sexual context.
Finally, I feel like I need to say again, I am truly sorry if my words have hurt anyone. These are my demons I'm battling.

(Sit back, because this is going to be a long post, and it gets pretty dark)


From the fiasco I started in the "Ask a MtF TG a question" thread, I'm starting this thread to express my anger, regret, pain, and hopefully find some healing. I'd like to say thank you to yukonnights for PMing me to change my perspective, even if the change is slight.


(You can read what I wrote here for full context if you want -- post 1715):


http://forum.literotica.com/showthre...960170&page=69



For my first order of business, I'd like to apologize to anyone I've hurt with my words. This is going to be a trip into my mind and experiences, it will not be pretty, I will lose some of you, and some of you will think I'm pure evil. This is an exploration and explanation for why I have this palpable anger and numbing contempt that I would like to let go of.


That being said, here's a detailed look at who I am:


I'm straight, or at least I carry myself and identify that way publicly. Privately, I am attracted to women and MtF transexuals. I am attracted to dominate "top" TSes, who I'm told are a construct of the porn industry, though I partially disagree on that assertion (but more on that later).


I am happily married to a woman who is literally everything I could ask for in a partner. She is kind, understanding, and unwaveringly loyal. She is bisexual, but leans toward straight. We have shared our sexual deviances and past experiences with each other, and we are both okay with it.


I am 29 years old, on the upper end of the millennial generation. I served in the military, have a bachelor's degree, and have a career in corporate America. I identify religiously as a Christian and politically as a libertarian. I own my own home, enjoy making art, prefer building things as opposed to buying them, try to 'buy American', vote republican, drive a truck, and own guns.


I am, to all outward appearances, a caricature of your average, middle American white dude.



Here's the issue I come to the lit forums for today:


I had a "almost-relationship" with a transexual years back, and as a result of its failure, and the failure to find another like her, I have developed a callous, dehumanizing, numbing contempt for the TS community.


This TS I met years ago was by every measure, my ideal transexual. She was tall, at least 5'11", maybe 6'. She had an incredible body, almost like a sculpted greek statue. Her hips were volumous, her ass had a nice cute bubble shape, her arms were slender, her boobs, while fake, seemed real enough, they were big, probably D cups, and had a fleshy squishiness that would make you think they were real. Her cock (good lord her cock!), was easily over 8, probably 9 inches long. Placing her cock in my hand, my finger tips extended and meeting her balls, her shaft could cover the length of my fingers and palm, with her head touching somewhere on my wrist. I've experimented with men who didn't have a cock like that.


She wasn't "manufactured by the porn industry". She was real.


We met through AdultFriendFinder, and had a regular FWB thing going for a while. Things were going great, she did everthing I fantasized a TS would do; she let me suck her cock, she would feed inch after merciless inch into me, forcing me to deepthroat it, and she would fuck my ass with every variety of intensity, from gentle, sweet love making, to savagely pounding my guts in. The fullness of it was incredible.


(A detailed account of an encouter with her can be found here):


http://forum.literotica.com/showpost...0&postcount=20



What's not to love, right?


Well, after things were going good for a few months, she just plain lost interest. Our hook ups slowed, and the handful of dates we went on stopped completely. I pressed the issue and told her I was having feelings for her, and that I would want to consider building a relationship, but she said that would never work and finally admitted that this was a fling for her, that she didn't ever want to be in a relationship, and then went totally silent--no emails, calls, or texts.


"Fine then, I'll just go back to regular women."


I liked them too, BFD if the tranny didn't work out.


So I started going out with a girl I met in college, we eloped, stayed married for a little less than a year, and then broke it off. She knew about my past and our sex life was great, there were just other issues present that were irreconcilable (she revealed she was an athiest, and was basically "faking" her Christian faith to be with me, but that's a separate can of worms I don't want to get into in this thread).



"That's fine" I thought. "I've been dumped before, divorce this early in life isn't all that different, I'll be fine. This might actually be a good opportunity to go find another TS."


You'd think that seems like a reasonable outlook, right?

Well, you'd be wrong.


First I tried the tranny I was with before, after 3 or 4 texts and an email, she finally responded. It was a welcome feeling of relief. We met up at her place, and it felt like we picked up right where we left off. The third or forth time seeing her, I started talking about the possibility of a relationship again. She avoided addressing it directly, and seemed mainly interested in having sex with me. I left that night and after another couple days tried to get in touch again. No answer. I tried her again after another day. Again, no answer.


So she blew me off a second time. That feeling was crushing, but I resolved to keep trying to find the TS of my dreams.


I tried going back to dating sites, went to a few local LGBT-friendly bars and clubs, and set out to find a new TS girl to hopefully get what I was looking for. I was met with complete failure.


On the dating sites and Craigslist ads, the overwhelming majority of contacts I made were with TS prostitutes. I want, at the very least, an ongoing string of sexual encounters, if not, a relationship. It said that in my ads and it said that in my profile, yet these people are inundating my inbox with "hey sexy, you feeling generous?" "Spoil me" and "its my birthday" messages. These are the probably ones who fueled my start down the path of regarding *them as reprehensible scum. If you want to sell yourself for drugs or money, fine. Knock yourself out. Just don't come looking for patronage from someone who CLEARLY doesn't want to pay for what you're peddling.


After all (and here's where most of you will likely start hating me), you're a *transexual*. *You should be happy I'm even interested in you and not disregarding you as some pervese aberration. In other words, I'm entitled. I've never paid for pussy, I'm sure as hell not paying for dick.


Whatever though. Shake it off. Keep going.


Okay, so online isn't going to work. I can't communicate without wading through a swampy mess of sex workers. No big deal, I'll hit the local bars and clubs more often. So after going through this effort, and meeting with countless TS girls and either getting turned down outright or getting their attention only to find out they are not tops/dominant and would never consider doing it.


Finally, I meet one who is "sorta" passible. She would probably get mistaken for a butch lesbian or crossdresser that isn't putting in a lot of effort into it. She didn't have implants, but did her make up okay, so I could get past it.

I took her on a couple dates, we talked, and she led me believe that she was what I was looking for -- a top. After about 3 weeks, she invited me over for dinner and a movie. She had a lesbian room mate who was all like "it's so cool of you to go out with her". I can't recall how I responded, I think it was something like a shrug or an awkward "yeah, it's no problem".


After dinner we started making out about 30 minutes into our movie. We made our way back to her room, she stripped my shirt off, and I pulled off her sun dress. She pulled me to the bed, unbuttoned my jeans and started sucking my dick. The BJ was good, but I didn't want to finish that way. So I gently pulled her head off me, rolled her onto her back, and began kissing down her neck and chest. I made my way down and pulled her panties off to reveal her semi erect cock. It was smaller than she described, maybe 4 inches (she claimed 6 or 7), but I thought "it's okay, I can make it work".


As I sucked her head into my mouth, wanting to return the favor for her BJ. Just as I began, I felt her shudder and squirm. She squeeked "no", and I pulled off of her, looking puzzled and asking "what's wrong?"


She looked right at me and said "not there, I can't, I don't like it like that".


I had been led to believe that she was dominant, a top, and wanted to rock my world like the previous TS I described (I told her about the last girl).


I'm sure the disappointment on my face was evident to her, because she started to come at me again, kissing me in a way that felt forced and stroking my cock.


Eventually, we just let it fade, relaxed, and went back to our movie. Afterward, she wanted me to sleep with her (as in literally go to sleep with her). I went with it, and joined her in bed. I could not fall asleep. I was seething with frustration and anger at how she led me on. After tossing and turning for a couple hours, I just got up in the middle of the night and got dressed. She woke up and sleepily asked "what's wrong?". *As much as I wanted to say "fuck off", I just made some excuse about being up for work early and said "I'll see you around" as I shuffled out the door.


On the way down the elevator, I felt nauseous. Like I was literally going to vomit. I couldn't believe I had slept with that fugly tranny just because she had the promise of offering me what I wanted, what I was craving. I felt horrible, digusted, like I was wronged, like everything I wanted was a lie and I would never find it.


I went home, jerked off, and went to sleep. Through the next week I tried again in vain to find the TS girl that I was sure at this point didn't exist.


Eventually I gave up, and started dating women again.


Having children was important to me, as was having a traditional family with an all-American wife, so maybe it worked out for the best. In that aspect, it did. I met the women that would become my wife a few months after that, and we are now happily married.


She is/was bisexual, and we've shared the details of our past sex lives. To help me with what I lost out on, she agreed to try pegging with me. We do it occasionally, and it is incredible with her. She's told me since we've started, she gets off to having the power and watching me take it like her bitch.


Our marriage is healthy, and I couldn't imagine being happy without her.


But -- there is one thing missing. Pegging isn't the same as having a real transexual use her cock on you. Anally, it's different, but not very much, but orally.... that's something I miss dearly.


Kissing her perfect tits before she jams that thick prick into my mouth. Feeling her grow to hardness in between my lips. Watching her squirm and writhe with pleasure as I spiral my tongue around her head.


That's a vital part missing from my sex life.


(If you aren't digusted at me by now, don't worry, you will be soon)


The tantalizing memory of it, the realization that the extremely limited encounter I had was an anomaly, that 99.99% of the trannies out their either chop their dicks off, don't use them, or will only use them if they're paid to, fills me with rage.


This is something yukonnights brought to my attention and caused me to seriously reflect on what's in my soul.


I hate them.


I hate them with burning contempt that is scarcely rivaled.


I have admiration, lust, and longing for the ones that actually are tops, who will use their cocks, fuck, or be fucked, with it all being the same.


However, the ones who get gender reassignment surgery, the ones who are "bottom only", the prostitutes, the non-passible ones who do not even make an attempt to look like something other than a "man in a dress", and worst of all, the Social Justice Warriors.


I hate them.


I hate listening to them, I hate acknowledging them, I hate their advocates and allies, I hate the social changes they are trying to bring in society.

I feel a satisfaction in their misfortune and mistreatment. I am apathetic to their cries for help.


(Stick with me, we're almost done and it may get slighly better)


Probably most prominently, I hate that I hate them. I hate that I have allowed an entire community of human beings to wield such influence over me. I hate that my contempt for them is hardening my heart. I hate the fact that I derive satisfaction in cruelty towards them.


I want to change that, I'd like to change that, but I don't know if I can.


yukonnights reminded me of my Christian faith, that I've turned my back on my values by chosing anger over forgiveness, that forgiveness has immeasurable power. I believe all those things, but that hate has been with me so long. Like a cancer it has metastasized on my heart. It is a real, palpable hate. I carry it, and it carries me.


It's not the so-called hate that most "Christians" have i.e. calling homosexual acts a sin. It is a hatred of their humanity. It's a hatred that they are breathing the same air as me. It's hatred at the sight or mention of them.


Mind you, it's not a hatred that would make me lash out violently, rather, it's a quiet one. The best things I could compare it to would be the rank-and-file German church-goers who sang hymns louder to drown out the sound of screms from the passing cattle carts full of Jews the SS were sending to concentration camps, or the silent apathy and disgust that many regular southerners felt towards the blacks during the reign of Jim Crow laws.


I'm not a foot soldier bringing violence and hatred to their community. I'm an onlooker muttering under my breath "serves you right".


I want to change, but that feeling of absolute rage is something I can only describe as something physical. Like there is literally a hot coal at the base of my lungs, burning through me when I think about what I've been denied.


I honeslty don't know what to do with it. Occasionally I have tried to get rid of it, let it go, even pray about it. Sometimes it works, though only temporarily. Then when I'm feeling turned on and am hungry for a tranny, it come screaming back



I really don't know what to do with it, and I'm hoping for some constructive feedback, though I know a lot of it will likely be negative.



For another glimpse into my psyche, here's a literotica piece I wrote to hopefully get some of it out. Read it if you want (or don't):

https://www.literotica.com/s/a-masseuse-named-eve

Hate? Were you never told that it takes love to give reality to an ideal? Do you recall Hepburn telling Bogart, in African Queen, how he had to quit wasting his time on his "selfish pleasures?"

 

[Palamino19]

Further, you talk of hating the passivity of the submissive examples, and are yourself, seeking a relationship where you are the submissive.

 

[Bramblethorn]

WARNING: TRANSPHOBIC CONTENT

NOTE: I copied this over from the GB, because the response there was not helpful. I expect a negative response, but I'd like it if the response could at least address the topic and have some substance behind it.

Points for acknowledging that this is a problem and trying to do something about it.

One thing I notice in your post is that it seems as if you're only thinking about trans women through the perspective of "potential sex/relationship partner": would you fuck her, would she fuck you, would she fuck you in the way that you want to be fucked, etc. etc.

It's pretty much impossible to have a happy, lasting relationship with somebody when that's the only way you have of thinking about them. It makes fodder for an intense fantasy, but it sabotages all the other stuff that you need to make the difference between "one-night stand" and "long-term partner".

Working on that side of things might be helpful. Take a break from "how can I have the right relationship with a trans woman" and look for other ways to interact with trans people that aren't focused on sex. (Ideally, not even on trans-ness, although I acknowledge there's a catch-22 there.)

Try to get yourself thinking about trans people as people you might work with, socialise with, hang out with. People who write interesting stuff about medieval ways of dying, or make overrated sci-fi films, or whatever. Look for the stuff that isn't about sex; it may be difficult at first, but I think if you can do that work you'll be happier for it.

 

[JaxRhapsody]

Personally the way you described yourself is pretty mediocre, stereotypical, boring, Hank Hill kinda guy. Outside of your sexual preference, I'd expect a woman to look at you as financial security, or if she's just as lame(a la Peggy Hill). You said it yourself, you're an average Joe, so there's not much there to lack humility the way you do. You my friend are basically a 2002 Chevy Impala, such arrogance, and submissiveness both fairly typical, too.

Yet I do get it. It pisses me off at the amount of trans hookers, could it be annoying knowing the girl I connect with(because I actually will date a transwoman, for them) might want SRS one day, sure and I'd he dissapointed. Not because I want her bending me over and topping me off, but because I like dick. I, however would make peace with it, most don't want that thing there, wether they use it, or not. You can't tell me you would date any you found. You really wasn't looking for dating your dream girl, you just wanted her for yourself and fucked up a.good thing. You did all the right shit, though, even a FWB situation should have decent emphasis on "friend." The "fugly" girl, well and you should know this by know HRS makes some of them not perform very well, as well as I've ran in to some that had one or both testes removed, further implicating it. Funny thing is, and this is direct experience; if you got to know her, she may have warmed up to using it/letting it be used if you got to know her better. The woman I dated, she didn't like using it yet she warmed up to letting me suck her, I got her to top me and after that, she sometimes wanted to top, because it felt so good. Given your age, that "fugly" woman was probably just coming along, some just need help, may not have the money- transistioning is hardand expensive.

Your hatred is a jaded selfish missunderstanding. Egotistical thinking somebody is beneath you, that you're entitled and they should be blessed that you even look their way. Hypocritical looking down on submissive transwomen, when you yourself is submissive. Let me bring a bit of reality; you're a veteran, I don't give a fuck about that, I have no respect for it, and my step-dad and girlfriend are veterans. I'm an anarchist not a patriot. You're a christian, no fucks given, I'm wiccan, and have little respect for the false values of any abrahamic faith, especially what christianity did to my fellow pagans during the crusades and so fourth. Your truck; many people would look down on you for it, compensating for a lil dick, destroying the enviroment and so fourth. Three things right there you can be hated for. Oh and if you listen to country or rap- a fourth, why is Hank Hill thinking he's down with the brothers, why the fuck are you listening to that sad twangy shit? You didn't say much about yourself, but with what you did, can easilly be torn down. Humility. Be humble. You ain't shit. I ain't shit. Your wife probably fairly petite, with small/smallish tits, don't get me started. You hating these people for the wrong reasons, untrue to yourself about what you wanted. Transwoman aren't toys and I've seen women far less "passable" than some transwomen. You are projecting your own shit on these women. I am surprised the users here were as nice as they were. I've seen some of them get ugly, even those who aren't trans, I think even the likes of Safe_Bet would rip in to you. I do hope you can cure yourself of this inane prejudice I doubt your deities will be of help.

 

[JaxRhapsody]

Oh and don't ever expect civility from GB, rofl. I made that mistake once...once. Them fuckers are always on butt...mother fuckin trollheim over there.

 

[MrBennet]

There does seem to be a huge disconnect between real life and porn when it comes to transgender women. No matter how the OP denies it, his attraction to them was generated by the porn industry that has fabricated the myth that "shemales" are no more than sex machines devoted entirely to the pleasure of men who like the soft curve of women but with dick.
I used to wish I could fly and move things if I concentrated hard enough, but then I grew up and did the whole reality thing. The reality of trans women is that they are not motivated by sex, though sex may provide a (very risky) way of earning a living. Given the prejudiced attitude of employers towards trans women, because employers watch porn too, then getting a regular job is next to impossible for many, so it becomes a vicious circle that is difficult to break: check Janet Mock's story if you need proof or Paris Lees in the UK.
The problem with men is that we really do think with our dicks first and assume everyone else does too. Logical thought has never sprung from an erection.
Whilst I am appalled to read the attitudes the OP, I am not surprised. On a positive note, at least he is talking about. That kind of anger, if left bottled up, too often leads to violence so whether you find the resolution to your bitterness in religion or just writing it here, then keep working on it. Don't let your anger beat you, make it into something positive. Looking for blame in either the trans community or yourself isn't the most helpful route : blame only fans the flames

 

[Bramblethorn]

Yet I do get it. It pisses me off at the amount of trans hookers, ... some just need help, may not have the money- transistioning is hardand expensive.

FWIW, a big part of why so many trans women do sex work is lack of alternatives. Come out at fourteen, get kicked out by your parents? It happens a lot. Kinda hard to finish school, which makes it hard to get a job. Wait 'till you're eighteen? That means holding off on HRT etc. which means irreversible physical changes which makes it much harder for a trans woman to 'pass'. Plus, her school transcripts etc. will still be in her old name. Good luck trying to get a job from any employer who sees trans women solely as sex objects or punchlines. (In a lot of the USA, it's still legal for an employer or a landlord to give you the boot for being trans.)

No support network, big obstacles to getting a more respectable job, need some way to make enough rent to persuade somebody to rent to a trans woman, maybe pay for hormone therapy on top of that? Not really a lot of choices.

footnote: some trans people have dysphoria about their genitals, and really REALLY want "bottom surgery" SRS. But others don't care much about what genitals they have, and for them getting surgery isn't a priority. (Unfortunately, some medical models require trans people to fake dysphoria in order to get the support that they do need.)

Between money and not-caring, most trans women never do end up having bottom surgery.

I am surprised the users here were as nice as they were. I've seen some of them get ugly, even those who aren't trans, I think even the likes of Safe_Bet would rip in to you.

There was a lot in the OP's post that would normally have had me loading up the flamethrower, yeah. I passed on that because he appeared to be acknowledging that this was a bad attitude and he wanted to change it.

 

[JaxRhapsody]

FWIW, a big part of why so many trans women do sex work is lack of alternatives. Come out at fourteen, get kicked out by your parents? It happens a lot. Kinda hard to finish school, which makes it hard to get a job. Wait 'till you're eighteen? That means holding off on HRT etc. which means irreversible physical changes which makes it much harder for a trans woman to 'pass'. Plus, her school transcripts etc. will still be in her old name. Good luck trying to get a job from any employer who sees trans women solely as sex objects or punchlines. (In a lot of the USA, it's still legal for an employer or a landlord to give you the boot for being trans.)

No support network, big obstacles to getting a more respectable job, need some way to make enough rent to persuade somebody to rent to a trans woman, maybe pay for hormone therapy on top of that? Not really a lot of choices.

footnote: some trans people have dysphoria about their genitals, and really REALLY want "bottom surgery" SRS. But others don't care much about what genitals they have, and for them getting surgery isn't a priority. (Unfortunately, some medical models require trans people to fake dysphoria in order to get the support that they do need.)

Between money and not-caring, most trans women never do end up having bottom surgery.



There was a lot in the OP's post that would normally have had me loading up the flamethrower, yeah. I passed on that because he appeared to be acknowledging that this was a bad attitude and he wanted to change it.

Yeah, I've talked to enough, and know enough transwomen to know this stuff, but I'm far from some sort of expert. I just generally don't agree with prostitution and it makes it rather hard to date or whatever. It is bullshit what these women go through. As far as sex is concerned, I do enjoy sex with transgendered- my preference for any caliber of intimate relationship, but a few local women I dropped contact with since they thought they could use me, or whatever. I'll be damned.