Ask Ike

[Roughneck]

What's Up! This is Ike, bringing you your 411, how da ya say it. . . . . for your interpersonal relationship problems. I am the Mack of knowledge, the fine cheese of love, the Soul man of funk. Just post your questions to Ike and I's be happy to help you solve them, as well as poke fun at your expense.

Peace Out

 

[superlittlegirl]

Dear Ike,

I am bisexual, with a very strong preference for women. I have been hooking up with boys more often than girls these days. Truthfully, I haven't been hooking up with any girls in real life lately. I'm not sure why, exactly. Do you think this is just a phase?

--Confusedly Queer

 

[Roughneck]

Dear Confusedly Queer,


Mmmm. . mmmm .. mmmmm, Ike cant believe his ears, you prefer women, over that of the male species? First off, Your main problem is, that you haven't been with a reaaal man. You hang with boys, what the hell is wrong with you. No wonder you like females, Hell you need some real meat between your legs, not some pencil, but I transgress.
You says you been hooking up with boys more then girls, and I be guessing you'd rather have it the other way around. . . as ma daddy use to say Lordy Lordy Lordy. What comes to Ike's mind when someone fails to attract ones attention, is personal hygiene. Now Ike knows about funk, I have seen funk, funky, supper funky, and down right funky stank. I was shopping one day at the Piggly Wiggly, when's I saw this fine women, she'd had an onion booty that made me cry, that is until she came close to me and her funk nearly knocked me out. That funk was so bad that even after I left the grocery store I still had that funk on me, took like. . um. . 20 of them odor eaters to wipe that funk off.
Now ya says, Ike I don't haves the funk, in fact I be sweet and sexy. Hump, well then maybe yous not marketing yourself right. If you wants the women to crawl into your bed, to slip between your golden honey pot, then yous need to be a hoe. Do you think them women that work the corner dont dress to impress, Ike knows this. Make yourself attractive to the women you want, for god sakes you are a women, yous should know what women like. Now if your Bi, maybe whats ya need to do is find a couple, then work on the female and steal her away from that man shes with. If this doesn't work then I sujest a very nice dildo or vibrator, or you's can come to Ike's crib and I'll wine and dine ya, then 69 ya till the cow go moo, then you'll never worry about another women again.

This is Ike. . . . Peace Out

 

[missy2]

Dear Ike,

I have a question that has been haunting me for years,and noboby has given me a straight answer.I know you can help.
You know how when you drink really strong lemonade your lips pucker up?Well,if I squat in a bowl of lemonade will the same thing happen?
Please help.
Sourpuss

 

[Roughneck]

Dear Sourpuss,

Let me first say Yo Yo, What's Up! Ike likes your kind of thinking, though I don't know why you'd want to change the features God gave ya. I knows what ya mean when yous say strong lemonade makes your lip pucker. One time I had some of this fruity lemonade that was so sour that it made my lips pucker like one of them California boys, that can suck a golf ball through a garden hose.
The questions is though, will that sour lemonade makes those sweet lips that surround your honey pot pucker up. Well, well, well, this is a very stirring question. I have seen many lips in my travels, so's I feel I may be able to answer your question. Ike has always believed that the lips on a womens. .. how can ya say. . Pussy cat, are a trophy to what lies inside. Ike has always enjoyed the pleasure of sucking on them lips, like sucking on taffy, but I transgress.
Ya see on some women the lips are down right terrifying, be like looking at one of them veins fly trap things. There was this women once that I had at my crib that was finer then Molt Liquor, but when she dropped her panties Ike was greeted by a scary sight. Her lips were bigger then the state of Texas and looked more worn out then a 2 dollar hooker on prom night. She wanted me to suck and lick those lips but Ike was like Fuck No! I's stick my face near those things I might get swallowed up.
Now Ike has to wonder, do your lips resemble what I just described, have you had men run away because the sight was scary rather then pleasing? Are you that 2 dollar hooker everybody be talking about, if so give me a call so that's we can hook up. I can tell ya they will pucker up, but if theys be worn out from to much horizontal bopping then you might need cosmetic surgery or hemorrhoid cream. Yous says, Ike why hemorrhoid cream? Well if sour lemonade cant pucker that pussy cat, Preparation H sure will. If though you decide to go with the lemonade, use my favorite Country Time, on sale right now at the Piggly Wiggly for 1.99, and please send me a picture so as that I might be able to masturbate. . . I mean determine weather or not the procedure was done correct.

This is Ike. . . . Peace Out!

 

[missy2]

Dear Ike,

You are truly a man of knowledge & integrity,as well as a thrifty shopper.I shall go to Piggly Wiggly ASAP.
Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom with us less fortunate!


You are a true "ladies man"

 

[missy2]

Dear Ike,

One final question.Why is it called herpes as opposed to hispes?

 

[Roughneck]

Well, Well, Well, seems to me you have yourself a problem, asking Ike such questions. Did some man dip his wick and leave you the gift that keeps on giving?
My sexual flower of looove, you question is quite simple. . . . . its hers to receive as well as to give. Though if you be giving out that gift stay clear away from Ike, a shot in da ass wont clear that thing up. This brings up a good point though, why name such a funky thing with a her, whens we all knows it can be his. So Ike has come up with some new words to describe such a blistering SOB.
1# The, I fucked a hooker, now my wife will find out disease.
2# The, Pimple poping, crotch roting, no chance in hell to get rid of disease.
3# The, I know my better half has been cheating on me and fucked me over by giving me this disease
4# The Bill Clinton disease
5# The, Funky Stank, better then Aids disease.

Those are some of a few terms that should be applied to such a disease, feel free to add to the list but I warn ya. . ifs ya dont pay tribute to Ike, I's be forced to do the smack down on yous and stick my size 12 shoe right up yours ass.
Oh by the way, how did the lemonade go, did you takes a picture for Ike?

 

[Roughneck]

Wells, Ike has to go for the night, have to mack down my street in my 1971 Pinto, buts I's be back tomorrow to answer your questions. Please feel free to address any problems you mights be having to Ike, and I promise to answer them in a timely matter as well as make fun of you at your expense.

Oh, and if yous be a hot hoochy momma, then send Ike a pic so that I may see the loving that God gave ya.

This is Ike. . . peace Out !!

 

[Georgia Girl]

Dear darling Ike,

Are you any good with directions?

Dawn

 

[Roughneck]

It all depends on what direction you want go.