Ask for a open marriage

[bi_curious6969]

I ask this question because I haven't had sex in two months. I am pretty sure that some of hubbys medications are a part of the reason but come on I am 30 yrs old and love sex? It's just a idea and a thought. Any in put would be great.

 

[ghostgurrl13]

First off, I would recommend you start off my reading "The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures" by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, or "Open" by Jenny Block. These books will help on the how-to's and the details and rules pertaining to open relationships in general. Then, I always think honesty is the best policy, so after reading them maybe suggest them to him, or just explain what you are going through and how it could be fixed.

 

[trb2216]

only two months,

you haven't been married lond have ya!!

 

[TypicalDeviant]

Do you actually want an open relationship or do you just want to get laid?

If you want an open relationship, follow the previous posters' advice.

If you want to get laid, maybe, you know, talk to your husband. Figure out why it's been two months and see what the two of you can do about it.

 

[SweetErika]

Have you expressed your feelings about wanting sex more often in a nonconfrontational way and asked to if you two can work together to find solutions? For instance, maybe he could talk to his doctor about trying different meds with fewer sexual side effects, you two can be intimate in other ways if the lack of sex is caused by ED and you could try counseling.

If he's completely disinterested in sex and/or isn't willing to work with you, perhaps your conversation(s) could segue into the possibility of you getting your sexual needs met outside the marriage.

I understand your frustration, but two months isn't a very long time in the grand scheme of things and opening a relationship is often extremely risky, so it's probably not a good first choice if you're heavily invested in your marriage. So, I'd suggest trying other things first and being patient, rather than jumping to opening the relationship as a solution.

 

[CWatson]

Generally, an open marriage is something that's asked for when the prenup is being drafted. Springing it on someone after the vows are exchanged... I dunno.

By and large, I'm with Mama Erika. Your first priority should be to get to the bottom of your husband's disinterest. Every behavior means something--and my job is caretaking austistic people, so I'm not just saying that. We fall into the trap all the time. When someone starts acting out, a lot of the time we just say, "Hey, stop that," without bothering to figure out why s/he is acting out. They are trying to accomplish something... a side of it we often ignore. We want things our own way, and that's that!--screw the fact that we're here for someone else, for another person who comes first. At my job, it's my charges. For you, it's your husband. However you can please him, you should attempt to do so.

So, what's going on with him? Until you can answer that, there's not really any point in furthering the discussion.

 

[kaycee217]

only two months,

you haven't been married lond have ya!!

*giggles*

Hilarious, yet sad

 

[Eilan]

Do you actually want an open relationship or do you just want to get laid?

Heh. My husband's ex-wife proposed that they open up their marriage. She didn't really want my husband to have sex with other people, though; she was already cheating and wanted to keep doing it without the guilt.

Have you expressed your feelings about wanting sex more often in a nonconfrontational way and asked to if you two can work together to find solutions? For instance, maybe he could talk to his doctor about trying different meds with fewer sexual side effects, you two can be intimate in other ways if the lack of sex is caused by ED and you could try counseling.

If he's completely disinterested in sex and/or isn't willing to work with you, perhaps your conversation(s) could segue into the possibility of you getting your sexual needs met outside the marriage.

I understand your frustration, but two months isn't a very long time in the grand scheme of things and opening a relationship is often extremely risky, so it's probably not a good first choice if you're heavily invested in your marriage. So, I'd suggest trying other things first and being patient, rather than jumping to opening the relationship as a solution.

Yeah. What she said.

 

[simplegirl]

uhhh...it's only been a couple of months. Talk to him and buy a vibrator. Do you really want to risk your relationship over this?

 

[newideas]

I always imagine our sex being the last thing to go not the first. Guess we lucked out.

 

[bronzeage]

I ask this question because I haven't had sex in two months. I am pretty sure that some of hubbys medications are a part of the reason but come on I am 30 yrs old and love sex? It's just a idea and a thought. Any in put would be great.

A successful open marriage is a very rare thing. It requires two very mature and secure people.

Your situation does not sound like a good foundation for an open marriage. If there is no way to meet your sexual needs within the marriage, your choices are simple. Find a solution with him, cheat on him or leave him.

The end results of the second and third choices will be about the same.

 

[infinity706]

A successful open marriage is a very rare thing. It requires two very mature and secure people.

Your situation does not sound like a good foundation for an open marriage. If there is no way to meet your sexual needs within the marriage, your choices are simple. Find a solution with him, cheat on him or leave him.

The end results of the second and third choices will be about the same.

Successful, open marriages aren't really that rare. I have 11 of them on my personal fuck buddy list and I've bedded many more. It really just comes down to jealousy. As long as both partners allow each other equal benefits, though, it seems to work out fine. Some of the successful ones, even work off the concept of consentual cheating. Basically, both partners trust each other enough that they just fuck whoever they want and never discuss it. Afterall, it deals decently with the jealousy thing if you don't have to see your partner fucking anyone. It also takes away the competitive aspect, totally, since there's no chance of feeling you have to match your partner's list to get your fair share. It even takes care of the anxiety and neediness of cheating, since it's no big deal if you have permission to get a quick fuck from anyone at any opportunity and don't have to worry about hiding it. It's sort of like why diets fail so often, because you're denying yourself something that you want. Honestly, the only real issues that setup has are trusting your partner to take care of pregancy/STD risks and keeping your promise if you find out from somewhere, about a fuck that your partner enjoyed more than you. It doesn't seem to be that much of an issue, though, since both partners generally end up fucking one or more people that they enjoyed more. The other thing is, you have to throw away that "good girl/guy" mentality and give yourself permission to fuck someone for no other reason than you want to fuck them. I don't personally feel it degrades the relationship of living together, though. It more frees people up to live with someone they can be friends with, without sex issues getting in the way. Afterall, if your partner doesn't like to play golf, it's just fine to go play golf with someone else. It certainly would end all the mismatched sex drive, kinks, and, well, just about every other complaint thread if everyone had permission to go get their sexual desires met, elsewhere. It would probably fuck over the divorce lawyers, though, since the divorce rate would probably drop by more than half.

I actually incorporate aspects of that into my system, as well. All of my partners and I are allowed full permission to fuck anyone without any obligation for disclosure. We do brag about some of our conquests to each other, though, and recommend people that we think someone would enjoy fucking.

 

[silverwhisper]

as usual: what erika said. bicurious, is your husband even aware it's been two months? have you discussed this before?

ed

 

[subwannabe]

I have to ditto Erika also. Marriage has wedding vows something like "for better or for worse". I don't think people should take that too literally but if someone is going to opt for an "open marriage" every time one of them has some medical issues then maybe your marriage isn't strong enough to stay married in the first place. You didn't mention talking with him. This is the obvious first step. If you are wanting to bring up an open marriage just so you can get laid he will most likely not take that very well.

 

[Somehowyou]

Go for it

Do like Infinity said. There is no such thing as monogamy. Why don't we quit pretending there is. Did anyone see the Tiger Woods episode on South Park? I have deprived myself for so long and for what? Then you are too old to enjoy it and you still have nothing.

 

[culloden]

Do like Infinity said. There is no such thing as monogamy. Why don't we quit pretending there is. Did anyone see the Tiger Woods episode on South Park? I have deprived myself for so long and for what? Then you are too old to enjoy it and you still have nothing.

Really? I guess it's only been 24 years, so what would I know?

 

[silverwhisper]

yeah, clear case of somehowyou projecting a personal belief to everyone without concern for relevance. or indeed, accuracy.

"no such thing as monogamy" indeed. ridiculous.

ed

 

[SweetErika]

Really? I guess it's only been 24 years, so what would I know?

Psst...look at his other posts. There's a clear pattern of ridiculous advice in them, and he's straddling the "troll" line, from what I can tell.

 

[culloden]

Psst...look at his other posts. There's a clear pattern of ridiculous advice in them, and he's straddling the "troll" line, from what I can tell.

Yep. Guess I over-reacted.

 

[SweetErika]

Yep. Guess I over-reacted.

I don't think so, and didn't mean to imply that you did. At best, he's projecting his own unwillingness to be monogamous on everyone else; at worst, he's trying to stir the pot.

 

[Eilan]

Psst...look at his other posts. There's a clear pattern of ridiculous advice in them, and he's straddling the "troll" line, from what I can tell.

I'm thinking neurosyphilis. Probably from when he banged all those hot, "disease-free" prostitutes.

 

[ghostgurrl13]

Yes, sometimes monogamy is the best route...it isn't really natural but it is what we are trained to do, and jealousy is deeply ingrained in ourselves.

The question one person brought up is very important: Do you want an open marriage, or do you just want sex? If you just want sex, there are options other than an open marriage. Talking and counseling are great. Vibrators are great but I understand wanting actual sex.

If you really want an open marriage, there isn't necessarily anything wrong with your relationship, but ask yourself this: would you be OK with him having sex with other people as well? If you would be, or think you could learn to be, then you can pursue the freedom and in some ways less stressful lovestyle of polyamory/open sexuality. Its taken me 3 years to decide that I truly want a polyamorous lifestyle. It requires thought, self analysis, and communication with your partner. Its not an easy fix to a problem in your marriage...its a serious decision, so make it wisely.

 

[culloden]

I don't think so, and didn't mean to imply that you did. At best, he's projecting his own unwillingness to be monogamous on everyone else; at worst, he's trying to stir the pot.

Exactly.

As to the original question, all I can suggest is communication. Monogamy has been our choice, but it hasn't always been easy. When things aren't going well, it's often easier to be resentful than it is to broach an uncomfortable topic and find out what the problem is. But that's what you have to do, if you value the relationship.

 

[ShyLana]

I haven't had sex with my husband for about 9 years. The same lover - a former boyfriend who now lives down the street from me - for about 7 years. And previous to this lover another was a boyfriend from high school who found me on classmates.com. Sex with my mate is like messing around with a kid from middle school; we're both in our 50s. Finding old flames or being found by others. I don't feel great about it, but life is too short.

 

[niv78]

I suggest people just not get married, solves the issue.