Ask a MtF TG a question

[stickygirl]

Forgive me but I had to ask about the blade runner reference. My friends son was diagnosed with aspergers when he was 3. I was told that it's harder to diagnose it in girls than in boys. Anyway, I was wondering, my friends son doesn't react very well to sarcasm but love slapstick and puns. Is that an aspergers thing, of is he maybe feigning amusement for my benefit? I didn't want to ask my friend for fear of sounding like "what's wrong with your kid?".

Ohh.... I get a little rush of excitement reading a question like that because I can infodump - also a trait.

Bladerunner #I 'Blush response' was a piece of Vangelis music used in the film, and I think was the psychological profiling used to distinguish replicants from humans in the film. Bluff response/Blush response...*shrugs*

Girls are no more difficult to diagnose with autism than women diagnosed having heart attacks. In both cases the 'classic' symptoms describe male centric observations. Although the final ratio male/female autism is unclear, it is now recognised that there are more females with autism than was originally suggested. Girls have better socialising skills than boys so learn to mask their feelings and build acceptable interactions faster than boys - same for autistic kids, so to diagnose girls needs a more skilled approach.

There are no fixed rules to autism because they're individuals and have a mix of characteristics. So for instance I don't mind hugging but I'm uncomfortable shaking hands. I can act well on stage because I role play every day so it's fun, but I hate public speaking ( as myself ). So some aspies will be into slap-stick humour, others will be incredibly sarcastic, sometimes the same person.

What we're not good at is intuitive stuff - understanding what people mean when they only hint or give clues instead of simply saying it out straight....but again not all aspies.

With your friend's son, I'd simply ask what he finds fun or is interested in. Don't expect to guess, but you can ask constructively.

*Since I'm on a roll*. Asperger's is now a forbidden term, because the German scientist has been linked to nazi medical experiments. It is also suspected he stole the concept from a Russian woman psychiatrist, Grunya Sukhareva, who had been working with autistic children for twenty years and postulated a characterisation for autism. She visited Asperger before the war.

* Sitting on a roll would be a classic confusion for some aspies, because they might picture a person sitting on a bread roll literary ( until they'd learned what the expression means ) Because no one actually sits on a roll - I think it means if you have got something moving you can jump on and enjoy the momentum. Fuck neurotypicals are complicated! But that's where intuitive thinking is a great shorthand

 

[MsNatalie99]

Ohh.... I get a little rush of excitement reading a question like that because I can infodump - also a trait.

Bladerunner #I 'Blush response' was a piece of Vangelis music used in the film, and I think was the psychological profiling used to distinguish replicants from humans in the film. Bluff response/Blush response...*shrugs*

Girls are no more difficult to diagnose with autism than women diagnosed having heart attacks. In both cases the 'classic' symptoms describe male centric observations. Although the final ratio male/female autism is unclear, it is now recognised that there are more females with autism than was originally suggested. Girls have better socialising skills than boys so learn to mask their feelings and build acceptable interactions faster than boys - same for autistic kids, so to diagnose girls needs a more skilled approach.

There are no fixed rules to autism because they're individuals and have a mix of characteristics. So for instance I don't mind hugging but I'm uncomfortable shaking hands. I can act well on stage because I role play every day so it's fun, but I hate public speaking ( as myself ). So some aspies will be into slap-stick humour, others will be incredibly sarcastic, sometimes the same person.

What we're not good at is intuitive stuff - understanding what people mean when they only hint or give clues instead of simply saying it out straight....but again not all aspies.

With your friend's son, I'd simply ask what he finds fun or is interested in. Don't expect to guess, but you can ask constructively.

*Since I'm on a roll*. Asperger's is now a forbidden term, because the German scientist has been linked to nazi medical experiments. It is also suspected he stole the concept from a Russian woman psychiatrist, Grunya Sukhareva, who had been working with autistic children for twenty years and postulated a characterisation for autism. She visited Asperger before the war.

* Sitting on a roll would be a classic confusion for some aspies, because they might picture a person sitting on a bread roll literary ( until they'd learned what the expression means ) Because no one actually sits on a roll - I think it means if you have got something moving you can jump on and enjoy the momentum. Fuck neurotypicals are complicated! But that's where intuitive thinking is a great shorthand

Thank you. I haven't made it that far in class, so everything I know is second hand. I am always cautious about asking people about their children. Some will talk your ear off and others will lose their tempers. I guess my concern was that if my use of puns or watching and rewatching naked gun movies with him, was more him entertaining me,then me entertaining him, I may have been doing him a disservice.

He's a good kid and already smarter than I'll live to be so I don't want to waste his time. It also surprises me how tolerant he is about my personal choices, asking questions only once, and never once mis-identifying me. The first time I spoke to him and he ask me about my gender identity, I told him that I didn't know. He spent the next three months referring to me either by name or undefined. I actually love that label, undefined. Thank you for answering my question and I will be sure to use aspie as opposed to aspergers from now on.

 

[stickygirl]

Thank you. I haven't made it that far in class, so everything I know is second hand. I am always cautious about asking people about their children. Some will talk your ear off and others will lose their tempers. I guess my concern was that if my use of puns or watching and rewatching naked gun movies with him, was more him entertaining me,then me entertaining him, I may have been doing him a disservice.

He's a good kid and already smarter than I'll live to be so I don't want to waste his time. It also surprises me how tolerant he is about my personal choices, asking questions only once, and never once mis-identifying me. The first time I spoke to him and he ask me about my gender identity, I told him that I didn't know. He spent the next three months referring to me either by name or undefined. I actually love that label, undefined. Thank you for answering my question and I will be sure to use aspie as opposed to aspergers from now on.

Aspie is a contraction of Aspergers of course, but I think I prefer how the word sounds compared to Autie, which I've heard occasionally. No one should chew your ear off, but now ya know

He sounds cool. Same thing though - ask him what he enjoys and go from there. Everyone loves to share their passions.

 

[stickygirl]

I can't see a post anywhere else, so Happy Women's Day

https://va.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_pxove4ZHdf1rsi0yh_720.mp4

 

[MsNatalie99]

I can't see a post anywhere else, so Happy Women's Day

https://va.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_pxove4ZHdf1rsi0yh_720.mp4

Yes indeed, Happy Women's Day!

 

[stickygirl]

I was excited to see the first trans woman makes Women's prize longlist, alongside Dawn French and Ali Smith in the UK.

Reading further I can see Torrey Peter's book is right up my street and deals with the dynamics of parenthood in her book Detransition, Baby

"Perhaps Detransition, Baby is the first great trans realist novel? Witty, elegant and rigorously plotted, Peters’s book breezily plays with the structural conventions of literary realism. The title is not so much an invitation to rechange one’s gender, as a brutally condensed summary of the novel’s plot, which concerns Ames (formerly “Amy”), who has detransitioned, and Reese, a trans woman who wants a baby. The two of them enter into a compact with Ames’s pregnant partner, Katrina, who initially doesn’t know about her husband’s history as a trans it-girl, to conceive and raise a child."

Blimey! That's not a plot for the faint-hearted!!! Can't wait to get my hands on a copy

 

[Bramblethorn]

He's a good kid and already smarter than I'll live to be so I don't want to waste his time. It also surprises me how tolerant he is about my personal choices, asking questions only once, and never once mis-identifying me. The first time I spoke to him and he ask me about my gender identity, I told him that I didn't know. He spent the next three months referring to me either by name or undefined. I actually love that label, undefined. Thank you for answering my question and I will be sure to use aspie as opposed to aspergers from now on.

SG already said, but there's not much difference between "Aspie" and "Aspergers", one's just an informal shortening of the other.

There's a lumping/splitting debate in autistic circles: do we split things into "autistic" vs. "Asperger's", "low-functioning" vs. "high-functioning", "mild" vs. "severe" autism, or do we just group everything as "autism"? Splitting used to be more common, with DSM-IV recognising "autism" and "Asperger syndrome" as two different things, but DSM-V rolled them into a single diagnosis and these days a lot of autistic folk prefer it that way.

Part of the historical background is that in the 1930s, the Nazis had a program called "Aktion T4" which was about removing "burdens on society" (read: murdering disabled people). Many people who'd today be called autistic were murdered under that program. Hans Asperger proposed a category which was basically "yeah they're a little bit weird but look they can be useful, so these guys can live".

For that, he's sometimes been portrayed as a saviour of autistic people... but obviously not all autistic people. There's been some question of whether he was a good guy doing what he could to save who he could within an evil regime, or a willing Nazi who was happy to let people die if they weren't useful to the Nazi state. Recent historical evaluation has shifted a bit more to the "willing Nazi" interpretation, and it's known that he sent disabled children to a clinic where he knew they were likely to be killed.

Other terminology like "mild" vs. "severe" avoids being named for a Nazi, which is an improvement, but it still tends to be based very much on a "useful"/"burden" division - if you're suicidally depressed because you can't maintain personal relationships, but you're holding down a job making somebody money you're "mildly" autistic, if you're living in a state-funded home but happy you're "severely" autistic. It's much more about how our autism affects other people than about how it affects us.

So nowadays many of us favour just "autistic", and then description of individual capabilities/needs, rather than a generic mild/severe split which still smacks of "useful worker"/"useless burden".

OTOH, some autistic people do favour splitting terminology. Sometimes that's because they were diagnosed under those systems and changing labels is hard, sometimes they feel that calling it "mild autism" protects against stigma.

I used to self-describe as "Aspie", I shifted to just "autistic" for reasons above, but I respect other people's self-description and I acknowledge it's complicated.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Forgive me but I had to ask about the blade runner reference. My friends son was diagnosed with aspergers when he was 3. I was told that it's harder to diagnose it in girls than in boys. Anyway, I was wondering, my friends son doesn't react very well to sarcasm but love slapstick and puns. Is that an aspergers thing, of is he maybe feigning amusement for my benefit? I didn't want to ask my friend for fear of sounding like "what's wrong with your kid?".

FWIW, an autistic kid that age is very unlikely to be feigning for your benefit - we usually have to be cajoled/bullied into that kind of social nicety. Honesty is the autistic default.

 

[stickygirl]

FWIW, an autistic kid that age is very unlikely to be feigning for your benefit - we usually have to be cajoled/bullied into that kind of social nicety. Honesty is the autistic default.

Good point B. My knowledge of small children is woeful, though one of my cousins kids is autistic and he's six now.
gah - haven't seen them for a year now and those kids grow so fast.

 

[stickygirl]

Detransition. Why do people do this? My girlfriend has pointed out several of her friends to me as people who used to present as women but no longer do. Now they are gay men. When I ask her about why they did it, she doesn’t really have any idea why. For herself the idea of being a man is unthinkable and really when I think of her passing as a man, I can only imagine a woman trying to imitate a man and doing a terrible job of it.

A better question is perhaps ask why they transitioned in the first place. Generally in the West I suspect there are more opportunities that encourage people to examine their decisions before they start any transition. I'm not sure of how things are in her part of the world - let us know.

Detransition is a term leapt on my anti-trans groups as "proof" that all transgender people are mistaken, fakes, deluded or that "rapid onset gender dysphoria" is anything other than fancy sounding bullshit. In the end, it has nothing to do with other people - only the individual.

I've ordered a copy of that book and will read it with interest. I see from the review that the decision may have been forced by a need for children. I'll keep you updated.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Detransition. Why do people do this? My girlfriend has pointed out several of her friends to me as people who used to present as women but no longer do. Now they are gay men. When I ask her about why they did it, she doesn’t really have any idea why. For herself the idea of being a man is unthinkable and really when I think of her passing as a man, I can only imagine a woman trying to imitate a man and doing a terrible job of it.

Friend of mine started to transition, FtM. Then he got a new job. He hadn't been on T long enough to pass and his paperwork still had him as female. He didn't know whether it was safe to be very obviously trans in a new workplace where he didn't know the culture. So he stopped taking the T for a while and worked as female. I knew him both socially and professionally so I'd address him as "she" if we were ever interacting in a professional context, "he" among friends.

Meanwhile he changed his name to something gender-neutral, and got himself to a point where he felt safe to retransition.

Detransition is often presented as "I made a mistake" but I get the impression it's often more for tactical and safety reasons.

 

[stickygirl]

----- we interrupt this serious thread with some lighter content ------

https://i.imgur.com/L1xuQiT.jpg

----- that is all, thank you -----

 

[AlexBailey]

----- we interrupt this serious thread with some lighter content ------

https://i.imgur.com/L1xuQiT.jpg

----- that is all, thank you -----

Lol. How utterly true!

My wife and I bought a toy kitchen set for our sons when they were little. My in-laws were appalled.

"Those toys are for girls!"

I asked, "Of your favorite restaurants, how many of the chefs are men?"

Silence.



My boys each had their own favorite baby dolls, my wife and I encouraged all of their interests. They all turned out to be very masculine and self-secure men who are also very nurturing for their beautiful girlfriends.

It's my ex-military, MMA fighter, brother-in-law who has the non-gender conforming kids in this family. His daughter is a bruiser and his son is a princess -- the grandparents are finally coming around to a better understanding.

 

[stickygirl]

Elliot Page

It makes a pleasant change to read something positive and sensitively written about trans folk. Here's one in Time Magazine about EP

 

[coati]

Yes, that Time Magazine article is excellent. I get a deeper understanding of the human species every time I hear a trans person speak truthfully from the heart.

 

[njlauren]

why detransition ocurrs

Friend of mine started to transition, FtM. Then he got a new job. He hadn't been on T long enough to pass and his paperwork still had him as female. He didn't know whether it was safe to be very obviously trans in a new workplace where he didn't know the culture. So he stopped taking the T for a while and worked as female. I knew him both socially and professionally so I'd address him as "she" if we were ever interacting in a professional context, "he" among friends.

Meanwhile he changed his name to something gender-neutral, and got himself to a point where he felt safe to retransition.

Detransition is often presented as "I made a mistake" but I get the impression it's often more for tactical and safety reasons.

One of the problems with transition (and how especially the anti trans/religious wrong see it) is they think it is this thing where "Hey, I am a woman", on goes the dress and wig and makeup, and that is that. I think the big problem is that transition, even among transgender people, is synonymous with 'going full time' ie living as a woman/man full time, changing documents, etc.

One of the misperceptions about transgender people is that there is a common narrative as such, that being trans means you knew you were a woman trapped in a man's body/man trapped in a woman's body, you always knew, had this burning desire, but hid it, tried 'regular' life then couldn't stand it and transitioned. While there are people whose stories match this, there are a lot who don't. Some people are kind of hybrids who find out that they would be more comfortable living as a woman/man. Some start out identifying as gay or lesbian, then discover it isn't just sexuality involved. More than a few transgender women start out as id'ing as crossdressers then find out over time it is more than that. Just speaking from my experience, it is very easy to bury who you are at a young age, especially if you live in an environment that is emotionally rough or not safe (that is my story; ironically my parents were very liberal people for their generation, born in 1920's, but didn't mean it was emotionally safe at home for a number of reasons).

In light of that, transition is a process, an emotional as much as physical one, it is a path, a journey, that has steps that happen in all kinds of orders. The first step is usually questioning who you are, that comes out through who knows what (mine kind of came out when going to BD/SM play parties and the like fully presenting, my head space was very different), it made me question and to work on it during therapy (for something entirely different I might add)...then comes the exploration, support groups perhaps, online stuff, talking to people, then of course exploring the world as your 'new self', going out fully presenting, at first to safe places like clubs and such, then eventually everyday things. For a M to F, it can involve things like electro or laser to remove the beard, can involve growing hair out, it is all steps. In some ways they are tests, getting hair removed is expensive and painful at time, and long process.

Part of the process is admitting to yourself you aren't crazy, that these are real feelings, and that isn't easy a lot of the time.How can this person in their late 30's, married with a kid, suddenly start finding things aren't what they seemed all those years.

HRT is a big step, the old joke is it separated the women from the crossdressers or fetishists (or even gay men who might be considering transition bc being a woman with a man is 'more normal'; that is a lot less common today as being gay has become a lot more accepted, but it still does go on, especially in countries where being gay is not accepted). HRT for a m to f suppresses the sex drive and many discover that the feelings and the change in the drive is not what they want, those who are fetishists or the like, with the loss of sex drive find it no longer is attractive (and that is fine, you can revert off hormones, especially in the early months, with little permanent effect). Each step you discover the joys and yes, the downside; among other things, coming out often entails losing friends and family.

Sometimes those who do fit the traditional stereotype, knew all along, can have problems because they are so sure they can rush, and then some of them find out they aren't prepared for the reality (this is not a criticism, far from it, but it is kind of like the person who is so bright things come easily to them versus someone who has to work to learn something; often the person with the 'natural gift' runs into a wall when they are really challenged. Those who are so sure may not do the work that someone questioning/buried it will do, that's all. I understand that, when the dam broke for me, so to speak, I was talking HRT and yada yada and my therapist was kind of laughing and saying "whoa, girl".

So the perception that this is an impulse decision doesn't fit reality, it only fits the narrative of anti trans people.

The way I like to describe detransition is kind of a physics problem, people detransition when the forces against are greater than the forces driving you forward (again, this is my opinion only, not 'fact'). Thing is, it can happen at any time during transition. The CD who thinks they may want to transition who cross lives for a week someplace might find out that they like being part time, doing it when they want, experience what women experience and realize it isn't for them. Someone who starts HRT and realized they don't like the emotional/physical impact, and stops. Person who realizes that in their field, whatever it is, that transition would end it, their are myriad reasons. People focus on detransition after someone has gone full time (I usually call that reverting, to distringuish it from transition).

Again there are a lot of reasons why people stop transition. Sometimes it is temporary, where they lose a job and then have to find new work. Sometimes people go through transition, stop/revert, then later on find they need to do it. Sometimes health stops it, where due to disease they can't do HRT, and realize without that they feel they can't transition/go full time, it happens. The thing is you never know where that will happen or why, it is complicated.

In my case it was a long journey, I was on the cusp of going full time, had come out at work with hr and my bosses, and then a tsunami hit. My long term job ended (not bc I was trans, bc my whole area literally was ended, thanks to a merger), and it was a really awkward time. If I had already gone full time I could apply to other jobs as Lauren, as I was, would have been hard, and back then would have made it even more harder. In my case, I was/have been the sole breadwinner in our family, and that made it even more huge. Then my spouse, who we worked towards staying together, said if I went forward, it would end us being together (combination of things on her part, partly economic fears with me being trans and employment, part of being seen as a 'different couple', there is a long story there with her and an ugly background). I had to weigh that, and besides loving her, if we moved forward split apart it would have destroyed out kid's dream of being a classical musician. In claasical music, like ballet and gymnastics, it takes early committment and incredible resources, time and money, that no way we could give our kid if we split up. In the end that all worked against my going forward, and I reverted, I did what I do pretty well and live in my head. I paid a high price for it, in that I live most of my life in my head, I don't really have many friends, kind of isolated myself, and I live every day with a certain amount of pain and emotional disconnect (on the other hand, if anyone ever used me as an example of how outer trans people could do what I did, I would take a 34 ounce baseball bat to them, I wouldn't wish this on anyone). The plus is my kid is in fact on the cusp of making a world class career, and even if they don't make it in music, they have the experience and the joy and life lessons that will let them do anything they want, music is unique in that way), and I can't regret that. Yes, I have regrets, some big ones, but I did what I thought I had to do.

The anti trans people will say "see, that is a mistake they all make, they can happily live as men or women, it is delusional", and that is bullshit, they lack the understanding or empathy to be able to say that, in their black and white little world it is easy to say that, but how the hell do they know? Because the 'bible says so' (really? Zero in the bible about being trans).

I can't say the transgender community can be any better, there are as just rigid and ugly people there, who see someone stop transition/revert, and call them sellouts, cowards, you name it (and yes, it hurt, lot more than those who hurt me when they found out I was trans), they had no concept, only their rigid view of things. That honestly hurt, it took some dear friends, both trans and a sweet gay couple I knew, to help me realize I needed to do what I needed to do, the rest were assholes, they understood.


I can tell you, outside a couple of twits I have known, that detransitioning/reverting is seldom done lightly, and yes, many who do do so temporarily, then go back later. The fact that some revert doesn't mean it is a mistake, any more than someone trying out race car driving and deciding it isn't for them means no one should do it (I realize it is a silly analogy, but shoot me *lol*). People who go through transition struggle through it, not the man in a wig and dress going into the women's room (said by religious reich types and feminist haters alike). If people revert/stop transition it doesn't mean it isn't valid, just means it wasn't for them. I get really upset when I see trans people who have reverted who suddenly start saying no one should do it, those are usually people bitter because of their own story, that for whatever reasons it didn't work for them, and they are projecting their own anger and feelings on others. Like I said, I made my choices, but not for a moment did I ever think this was something that meant anything to anyone else. Yes, I have seen people I saw bull through transition without thinking of the consequences, I have seen people leave families because idiots online convinced them they were transgendered, ended up in all kinds of dire circumstances and then found out they made a mistake; have seen a lot of girls I know who had disdain for therapists, when many of them had emotional issues outside being trans that were hurting them, but those are individual stories. Also have seen a lot of success stories, too, lot more than the failures ( I guess you could include me in that, I wouldn't totally argue).

Anyway, that is my take on it.

 

[njlauren]

why detransition ocurrs

*****

 

[stickygirl]

~snip~

It’s at moments like this that I realise how important this thread has become. You’ve put this so well. Thank you Lauren - I’m sure others reading will be grateful too.

I’m at an age where I understand the importance of ‘greys’ in our life. When we're in our teens we see the world in black and white because life is so complex, our brains need to break it down into bitesized chunks. As we get older we're forced to admit that grey exists - that other people's opinions have merit - we understand that questioning is a strength, not a weakness.

Your examples illustrate that as individuals get older, they are not islands: they have dependents, jobs, debts, quite apart from an ageing body. To look at (de)transitioning through the false lens of sceptics can only give a false impression, because life isn't so simple to fit neat stereotypes.

Younger trans folk are torn two ways: they have to grow up fast, face big questions but at the same time they're being tormented by their dysphoria. Finding your way to a decision to transition is like walking blindfold, with people shouting advice and directions, but we're the person doing the walking.

Our human rights are at the whim of other people’s opinions: the headlines of access to bathrooms, our legal and medical status or our freedom of expression - these are important but they are external to us.

The real struggle is internal: it is our dysphoria, the agony of self-doubt, of feeling betrayed by our lack of courage and guilt for demanding to be heard. We face those battles alone.

But… there is hope. There is a place we can find either through compromise or patience. It doesn’t matter how we start the journey or even how far we get, but knowing we were right and we were true to ourselves. The fuckers can’t take that away.

 

[Paradox]

Thanks to all of you who so willingly and honestly share your thoughts and experiences. I learn so much from all of you. You're helping this old, white, straight male understand. That may not be your main purpose, but I find it valuable.

 

[njlauren]

It’s at moments like this that I realise how important this thread has become. You’ve put this so well. Thank you Lauren - I’m sure others reading will be grateful too.

I’m at an age where I understand the importance of ‘greys’ in our life. When we're in our teens we see the world in black and white because life is so complex, our brains need to break it down into bitesized chunks. As we get older we're forced to admit that grey exists - that other people's opinions have merit - we understand that questioning is a strength, not a weakness.

Your examples illustrate that as individuals get older, they are not islands: they have dependents, jobs, debts, quite apart from an ageing body. To look at (de)transitioning through the false lens of sceptics can only give a false impression, because life isn't so simple to fit neat stereotypes.

Younger trans folk are torn two ways: they have to grow up fast, face big questions but at the same time they're being tormented by their dysphoria. Finding your way to a decision to transition is like walking blindfold, with people shouting advice and directions, but we're the person doing the walking.

Our human rights are at the whim of other people’s opinions: the headlines of access to bathrooms, our legal and medical status or our freedom of expression - these are important but they are external to us.

The real struggle is internal: it is our dysphoria, the agony of self-doubt, of feeling betrayed by our lack of courage and guilt for demanding to be heard. We face those battles alone.

But… there is hope. There is a place we can find either through compromise or patience. It doesn’t matter how we start the journey or even how far we get, but knowing we were right and we were true to ourselves. The fuckers can’t take that away.

Stickygirl, you hit the proverbial nail on the head with this, and that is that being transgender is very much a personal journey. You take others on it, of course, and it is why I kind of tell people that when you transition, when you come out, others are kind of transitioning with their own journey, overcoming biases and preconceptions and yes, the 'weirdness' factor when Joe Smith you have known for years now comes out as Sally Smith or whatnot. With the counselors and shrinks, it used to be them defining you, telling someone "you meet this yardsticks, or you don't belong", it was aweful (yes, it was great to try and codify how to handle this process, but it was full of all kinds of horrible assumptions and cultural bias and gender bias and sexual orientation bias, they basically made people dance to their tune, at the time usually straight, white male doctors whose vision of an M to F was right out of the 50's, literally).

No one tells you what you need these days for the most part, the person finds out what they need, they find out who they are, the therapist or counsellor just helps quantify your feelings and learn to accept what is you while cleaning out the crap that didn't work. Sadly, there are plenty in the so called transgender community who are just as rigid, who can't seem to understand their path is their own, their experiences are their own, and they often hurt others. For many years there was bias against transwomen who were into women, even in the transgender community, if you talked about transition and liking women, they were as bad as the shrinks back in the old days. Tell them you didn't want to go GRS, for whatever reasons, must be something wrong with you, then 'stay a man'. Lot of trans folks hate the whole concept of non binary gender, and many of them still hate trans folks who don't want to be suburban housewives or the like, because they think it takes away from them being authentic, sadly.


The irony is at times I received more support from people you wouldn't expect and was hurt by people you would think would be sympathetic. I had people when I came out who were pretty conservative, but told me I was obviously in a good place and they were happy for me, i had supposedly liberal people, especially at an ultra liberal church I belonged to, who were quite frankly aweful. When I was forced to make hard choices, the people at the church I belonged to for community were absolutely no use, either they saw me as some sort of sellout, or they basically didn't even try to be supportive, because I didn't fit their agenda. A lot of trans people were brutally ugly to me, telling me I was just a coward, too scared to lose male privilege and other bullshit, without listening to why I was doing what i did (among other things, I also faced a situation with a spouse with her own emotional issues, there are reasons why I to this day am the only breadwinner in the house, long after my kid left the nest). And yes that took its toll, it put me into a pretty dark place, I am tough, but it still was a big struggle. Fortunately I had some good friends, a gay couple who understood me only too well and gave me a lot of unconditional love, some trans friends, it helped me get through that. My therapist probably would, but I had my own shame to deal with, was embarrassed and afraid of judgement I never saw her again; I know deep down she would have not been like that, but I couldn't face her, it hurt that much.

It is always complicated, no one made this easy, though these days I am glad that kids are getting more support, even if with some things I have my concerns, that in some cases they are pushing kids rather than letting them sort it out, but it is still much better than it ever was. It is funny in a society that supposedly pushes individual freedom we have people who resist common sense public health measures as freedom yet then want to put everyone else in a box of their choosing.

 

[njlauren]

Thanks to all of you who so willingly and honestly share your thoughts and experiences. I learn so much from all of you. You're helping this old, white, straight male understand. That may not be your main purpose, but I find it valuable.

For me, it is part of the purpose, after all straight old white men still have a place in this world (until, of course, all us radical queer people convert you into gay old white men, or into women *lol*). Seriously, sharing is not just for people with similar issues, but also for others to let them know that there is a lot out there that isn't covered by the media or the internet or experts, the more stories you hear, the more you realize how diverse people are and that it isn't a scary or bad thing (not meaning you, Paradox, specifically, I meant as a whole).

 

[stickygirl]

In the UK there is a push to self-determine ones gender ID in terms of legal status, quite apart from any medical issues. I totally understand that push, but at the same time I have some reservations. Perhaps I am biased because I had to jump through the gatekeeping hoops, I couldn't transition physically as early as I would have liked, but the delay did ensure I was certain of my decision, that I had time to firm up my ideas at a time ( in my teens ) when life is a fucking merry-go-round for every kid.

People need time, which is why I get so angry at pressure groups red-flagging hormone blockers when they are a legitimate and medically proven safe way of delaying puberty. The sceptics don't understand the science: either that or they want to punish trans individuals by forcing them to undergo the wrong puberty and suffer to humiliation and physical scarring that brings. The objections of sceptics is that there is a rush of kids questioning their gender - and while that is true it doesn't mean that they are being fast-tracked into irreversible changes because blockers offer an alternative.

But sadly as we can see everyday under the current pandemic, people don't follow science - they're more comfortable with baloney and fakery.

 

[stickygirl]

They don’t follow science because if they did, they would have to change their thinking. Instead they believe nonsense from Facebook or become part of a political cult. Old people are the worst in this but unfortunately it’s not just them.

I hear ya. I'd add a note to say there have been a few inspirational older people in my life, but their rarity made them shine out all the more.

People generally get lazy with their thinking - as if keeping your mind fresh was equivalent to a weekly marathon. I guess we're all guilty of that, but keeping an open mind requires very little effort - it only needs the right attitude.

 

[Adrian69702006]

I have a level of interest in t-girls, especially how they deal with the issues of life such as whether they live as women full time, how they manage work, relationships, people's
attitudes and prejudices. Also how they handle toileting, especially when away from home and in public. Naturally I'd be interested to know whether you live as a full or part time woman how you handle the various issues.

 

[stickygirl]

I have a level of interest in t-girls, especially how they deal with the issues of life such as whether they live as women full time, how they manage work, relationships, people's
attitudes and prejudices. Also how they handle toileting, especially when away from home and in public. Naturally I'd be interested to know whether you live as a full or part time woman how you handle the various issues.

Hi Adrian
you'll appreciate that needs a few answers, some of which you may find in the index to this thread back at page one. There's plenty of chat in the earlier posts but some good discussions about those topics along the way.

It seems a contradiction that on an erotica site, there's talk of everyday matters in this thread, but it seems to work. Trans women just want to be treated as regular people and get on with their lives: yes, they enjoy sex just like anyone else and yes, unfortunately they have obstacles thrown in their way by people who feel they have some right or obligation to tell us we're not doing it correctly.

Trying to educate and reason with people who simply don't want to hear makes it that much more difficult.

I hope you get time to have a browse through and find some answers