Ask a MtF TG a question

[NoMoreNoMore]

I just wanted to chime in to say that I am glad you joined the discussion here, and I hope you find the peace and acceptance you need to live life as it should be lived. I can't pretend to understand what you are going through, but please know that there are really good people on this thread who are on your side and rooting for you.

Thank you. It would be nice if there was a separate section for Transgender as there is for gay. This was the only thread. I hate to hijack it for my whining. Then again, being with others, might make my heart yearn to be me even more. Death would be so much easier. Before anyone panics, I am not going to try to kill myself. I am a coward. I have tried a number of times and always fail. So I live my life like Robin Williams where everyone sees the clown, the entertainer, but never sees the tragic dark side.

 

[stickygirl]

Thank you. It would be nice if there was a separate section for Transgender as there is for gay. This was the only thread. I hate to hijack it for my whining. Then again, being with others, might make my heart yearn to be me even more. Death would be so much easier. Before anyone panics, I am not going to try to kill myself. I am a coward. I have tried a number of times and always fail. So I live my life like Robin Williams where everyone sees the clown, the entertainer, but never sees the tragic dark side.

I see no hijacking and as for a trans section, well there aren't enough of us here. Part of the reason for that is that Lit is a sex site, but most of the topics we'd want to talk about would be non-sexual.
I find it a frustration that we get lumped into the LGBT, when we are the only part that is not about sexual orientation
Death is easier and that's why you're not a coward at all. We have to get by anyway we can. There is always hope and there may come a situation when you are free of those obligations and can make the changes you need for some peace in your heart

 

[stickygirl]

It's taken me a little while to catch up with some celebrity history and frankly, I've been amazed how much coverage the story is getting: Bruce Jenner of course. When is she going to tell us her new name or will it stay Bruce?

If I want to read American news I look at the Washington Press and I found this article pretty good
When it comes to transgender etiquette, choose to be kind

 

[BradBigBrain]

It's taken me a little while to catch up with some celebrity history and frankly, I've been amazed how much coverage the story is getting: Bruce Jenner of course. When is she going to tell us her new name or will it stay Bruce?

If I want to read American news I look at the Washington Press and I found this article pretty good
When it comes to transgender etiquette, choose to be kind

That was a great article. I came here specifically to ask you about Bruce and the prosess that she is going through and the media coverage. Do you think it's a good thing? Would you like it to be less sensationalized.

I'm waiting for the idiotic Katie Couric to interview her so she can ask her what she expects to do with her penis and better yet if she (Katie) could have it.

 

[stickygirl]

That was a great article. I came here specifically to ask you about Bruce and the process that she is going through and the media coverage. Do you think it's a good thing? Would you like it to be less sensationalized.

I'm waiting for the idiotic Katie Couric to interview her so she can ask her what she expects to do with her penis and better yet if she (Katie) could have it.

Funny you should ask that

I had to do a bit of research before I felt able to form an opinion. We don't get the Kardashians ( I was racking my brains thinking of some Star Trek species ) and I've only vaguely heard of Jenner.

I think the publicity is very helpful. I haven't seen the interview, only a couple of excerpts. I'd love to watch the whole thing... have to see if it's possible. Anyway, it's getting people talking about trans and that's a good thing.

(as for me posting on the GB... it seldom ends well over there does it?! )

btw - who is the interviewer in this case? Is she good?

 

[BradBigBrain]

Funny you should ask that

I had to do a bit of research before I felt able to form an opinion. We don't get the Kardashians ( I was racking my brains thinking of some Star Trek species ) and I've only vaguely heard of Jenner.

I think the publicity is very helpful. I haven't seen the interview, only a couple of excerpts. I'd love to watch the whole thing... have to see if it's possible. Anyway, it's getting people talking about trans and that's a good thing.

(as for me posting on the GB... it seldom ends well over there does it?! )

btw - who is the interviewer in this case? Is she good?

Thanks. I didn't see your previous post.

The father of the Kardashians was on the team of lawyers that defended OJ Simpson in his murder trial. They become famous based on their father's riches and fame and one of them having a great big ass and a sex tape with a rapper. With an Olympic champion as their step-father, it's almost as if TV made them up.

I remember Bruce winning the decathlon back in 1976 and being on the Wheaties box. The decathalon is the most grueling of all olympic events. Competitors must be almost world class in 10 different events ((first day) 100-metre dash, running long (broad) jump, shot put, high jump, and 400-metre run; (second day) 110-metre hurdles, discus throw, pole vault, javelin throw, and 1,500-metre run. Decathlon winners are considered to be the world's greatest athlete for 4 years until they crown the next Olympic champion. It was a huge deal.

The interviewer is Diane Sawyer and she is one of the best if not the best interviewer on television. She's tough, but fair, usually...and in keeping with most of the unbiased news people on US Television, she's been known to toss softballs at liberal politicians, even though as a young person, she worked in the Nixon White House.

 

[stickygirl]

OK thanks - a name to watch out for.
Hey, I know about Decathlons - we Brits have our hero, Jessica Ennis I've see her around with the push chair now and again, 'cos she's a Mum now

 

[BradBigBrain]

....I’m inclined to give the same lecture to everyone I see mocking Bruce Jenner on Facebook and Twitter. Sure, the man is a millionaire celebrity and a public figure, and sure he opened himself up to ridicule when he joined his family in becoming a television freak show. But it’s not Bruce Jenner’s feelings you should consider when deciding whether to share that hilarious picture with the transphobic caption; it’s the feelings of all the other people you’re communicating with, the friends and neighbors and total strangers who are measuring society’s reaction to Bruce Jenner and thinking that’s how everyone thinks about me.

The human brain is evolved and programmed to crave the approval of your peers, and it’s a damned difficult thing to be different. Difficult enough that some people would rather die–and trans people at a higher rate than almost anyone else. That little joke you make at the expense of a millionaire celebrity might get some laughs from your friends, but it also just might contribute to the death of a trans kid, be it suicide or murder at the hands of those who choose to “express their transphobia” through homicide.

No matter how hilarious that little joke, no matter how big a target Bruce Jenner might be right now, that just doesn’t seem worth it to me. Keep the joke to yourself, and then you won’t have to apologize to anyone.

Before you make that Bruce Jenner joke.

 

[BradBigBrain]

Lots of stuff on Bruce Jenner ... this is a sister site to ESPN, which does a lot of sports statistical analysis.

Diverse Experience of Transgender people

Just the graphics from the article:

The report did find that 45 percent of respondents had been referred to by the wrong pronouns “repeatedly and on purpose” at work — and that respondents with lower incomes were more likely to have experienced this. The following charts are from the NCTE and NGLT report:

https://espnfivethirtyeight.files.wordpress.com/2015/04/screenshot-2015-04-24-12-58-35.png?w=610&h=434

Unemployment among survey respondents was twice as high as the national average, and survey respondents were much more likely to be living in poverty and much less likely to have a household income of more than $100,000 per year than the average American.

https://espnfivethirtyeight.files.wordpress.com/2015/04/screenshot-2015-04-24-13-34-24.png?w=610&h=427

Most of those surveyed had transitioned between the ages of 18 and 44. Jenner’s first experience with transitioning, when he was in his 40s, fell into that range. But after five years, he lost his “nerve” and stopped the process, he told Sawyer. Now, at 65 years old, Jenner is well above that group in age.

https://espnfivethirtyeight.files.wordpress.com/2015/04/screenshot-2015-04-24-13-47-34.png?w=610&h=450

The more that people of Jenner’s status and fame speak out about their experiences identifying as transgender or gender non-conforming, the more accepted those experiences will become. “What I’m doing is going to do the world some good,” Jenner said. “I would like to think we could save some lives here. Maybe this is my cause in life, this is why God put me on this earth — to deal with this issue.”

 

[Bramblethorn]

But it’s not Bruce Jenner’s feelings you should consider when deciding whether to share that hilarious picture with the transphobic caption...

Before you make that Bruce Jenner joke.

Most of this is good, the point about how this affects listeners is very important, but I wish this had been phrased as "not only Bruce Jenner's feelings". Being a millionaire with a TV show and lots of fans doesn't make somebody emotionally bulletproof. If anything, I'd expect that fan base would just exacerbate the pressure: "how are they going to react when they find out?"

I think if somebody voluntarily puts themselves in the spotlight, it's reasonable for others to talk about it, but that still doesn't justify gratuitous meanness. Especially when somebody's at what's likely to be an extremely vulnerable stage in their life.

 

[stickygirl]

Before you make that Bruce Jenner joke.

That linked Keelty blog needs a trigger warning for the comments. Don't read the comments - there is enough hate in the world without giving space to those morons.

...still, the main thing is that Jenner is raising the profile. There have always been and always will be haters

 

[stickygirl]

http://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/624/media/images/82732000/jpg/_82732153_dfda81d5-da8e-43b2-a2c9-8aca85a0f11b.jpg

sooo bundle of sleepy cute

 

[stickygirl]

...actually, I'll remove my post as it was a news story about a 15yr old trans girl. Some weirdo would prob get off on it

Hope you're all having a good day

 

[NoMoreNoMore]

Reliving the past

So, I started writing a memoir about my life. I have tentatively called it, Emma, An Unlived Life. It got me thinking about the past and so far, I am currently over 100 pages. I recalled that back in 2000, my psych had me keeping journals. I kept them on the computer and password protected. Well, I searched through all the old computers. Yes, I keep all my old stuff in storage. Even if I threw out the hardware, the drives always stay with me. I found the journals. Took a bit to get into the journals. I had to try to remember what password I was using back in 2000. Eventually I did get in. Wow. There was one of the darkest times in my life laid out before me. As I read, it all rushed back to me and I was in tears. I decided to include those in the book. They spoke of the raw truth of what I went through. I did have to clean it up a bit to, you know, protect the innocent and all that. There were a number of journals that I had kept that were turned into my psych each week. In some, there were arguments or discussions between Ed and Emma/Felicity. (Originally, I had chosen the name Felicity Aine. As I became stronger in who I was, I became Emma Morgaine. In the end though, family/society won out and I was beaten back. The final passage of section two reads:
********************

These were the last of the journals. Things started to disintegrate after this. My brief time of happiness slowly melting away. I had been told by my brother and his wife that I was to never go near their kids. I was struggling to pay the bills and having no luck finding a job. More and more isolation led me to the decision that I could never be me. I had my kids to think about. I had to get a job so that they would not have to go without. It was hard enough trying to get a job, let alone trying to find one while transitioning. I couldn't go to family functions because my brother's family would be there. I was pretty much financially ruined. My 401k had been all but decimated as I kept hitting it to pay the rent, buy food, and try to keep up with payments to Barbara. I would buy food for the kids for the weekend and live off what was left over the rest of the week.
I started weighing things. I just wanted to be me. In the end, it cost me my marriage, my kids, my job, my future. I was beaten. I chose compliance. I will be the good “boy” and be what I was expected to be. I called Barbara and told her that I knew who I was and that I was Ed. She didn't buy it, but had to accept that was my decision. She told me that she would be there if I needed help. For a brief moment, it felt like a weight was off my shoulders. Funny that shortly after making that decision, I got a call on a job. I would be hired and despite some ups and downs, I remain at that job all these years later.
I would live a life of conformity. Every one loves Ed. That was what Kelly used to say. I have always been loved as Ed. Very few liked Emma. Oh, she or Felicity were wonderful people. Yet, no one likes an abhoration. I was that.
So with a heavy heart, I purged, and donated all my clothes to Goodwill. I had collected some wonderful clothes. Shoes were the hardest. While I could get into a size 18 easy enough, maybe squeeze into some 16s, finding a nice pair of size 13 shoes was tough. It was back to the drab life of male clothes. I cut my fingernails short. I let all the hair grow back. I even went and got a regular guys cut. Everyone was happy again. Eventually I would start dating again. Only with women though, as I was still having difficulties with Annette and she was antsy to just find something to get me with. I didn't need to give her any ammo to take my kids from me. I soon buried myself in my work. I went on some dates. I was once again, Ed. I buried Emma/Felicity as deep as I could. I lost myself in my work.

Emma wants to live. I have three more years of child support and then that is lifted off me. I do have a loving wife now. She really cares for me, at least she says so. She wanted to know what has been bothering me. I told her that I was just dealing with old issues that were buried. She wanted to know. I explained to her that I uncovered the lost journals and those could explain my demons more than anything. It took all my courage to share those with her. She read the first journal and bookmarked it at the second. Then she tossed it on the refrigerator. I didn't know that until she mentioned she was looking online for a fridge. She mentioned there might be a height issue. So I went to check the height under the cabinet. I noted the journals on top. I felt so betrayed. I took the journals and will shred them. Here was the darkest time in my life and she leaves it out where anyone could pick it up. So I am back to not trusting anyone. Ever! Emma wants to live, but can trust no one. Meanwhile, transgender is in my face all over, Bruce Jenner, Janet Mock, and even Jeffrey Tambor taking a Golden Globe for playing a transwoman in the Transparent series on Amazon Prime.
Emma will die with me. In reading the journals, I had committed to ending my life at 55 if I did not become Emma, unfortunately, at 56, I am still here. I still need to support my son since his mother still only works a part time job. So three more years of college for him. Then I can rent a dumpster, empty all my junk into it, and then crawl in and be done like the trash I am.

 

[stickygirl]

First up, you are NOT trash. You've been serving out a prison sentence for a crime that was never committed and of which you were never guilty. Nice sounding words huh? I know how hollow words can sound and I don't want to say how I'm feeling having read that, because it's just static - but I am feeling. You are heard.
There will come a time when we are accepted, when people don't have to hide who they are. Your time isn't done - you're only 56 and Emma will have her day: perhaps when you're clear of supporting your kids. You kept those old records for a reason - as a reminder of who you are.
Start making a plan for her now and look to the future. The past is seldom a good place and the present can go either way. The future is where you can at last be who you are, so make it happen.
*hugs*

 

[RedStarFic]

I'm not known for being emotional. At all. And I know there really isn't anything I can say or do that is constructive here, our experience of life is too different for me to feel qualified to offer even an opinion. But that's never stopped me.

Reading that really touched me though. Seriously. That's pain, and bravery. You did what you thought you had to do, whether you think it was right or wrong in hindsight. I think you deserve to be whoever you want to be now, or soon.

On top of that you have a story to tell. For anyone in your situation, for anyone who doesn't understand. Only the most iredeemably cruel and deliberately ignorant would fail to see the humanity in it and fail to feel empathy.

 

[NoMoreNoMore]

Thank you both. It has been a rough road to where I am. The headaches, the constant dealing with depression, having to watch your every move. That is not living. When I was a boy, I walked around like a girl. I had limp wrists. I talked like a girl. I wanted to do girl things. My parents told me they were not going to have a sissy boy in their family. I was hit. They even threatened to cut off my wrists if I continued to walk around limp wristed. I learned to hide who I was. I watched my brothers to see how I should act. With all the stress I have been under lately, that part has become harder. So some guys tease me about how sometimes I act gay. I just play it off. I am growing my hair longer. I tell them that I am a hippy and hippy's wear their hair long. I was growing my nails, but we are trying to start a farm and all the work I kept breaking them, so they are all back short so they can even out. My wife is out on Monday and Friday nights. Her mother has Alzheimers so she has to stay with her. So those are my two nights I can be me. Except, sometimes her sister will decide that she is going to stay there and my wife will come home unannounced so always have to be on my guard. All I want is the freedom to be me.

 

[RedStarFic]

At least you can be open about it here.

Your childhood sounds fierce, I'm sorry about that. If it was one of my kids I'd back them to be whoever they wanted to be. Not sure how comfortable their mum would be, but then she's had a much narrower experience of life. She wouldn't try to change them though, I know that much.

 

[NoMoreNoMore]

At least you can be open about it here.

Your childhood sounds fierce, I'm sorry about that. If it was one of my kids I'd back them to be whoever they wanted to be. Not sure how comfortable their mum would be, but then she's had a much narrower experience of life. She wouldn't try to change them though, I know that much.

When I first tried to come out back in the late 90's, I was married to a stand up and wave in the Church Christian. Her brother was a priest and she made sure everyone knew she went to church. Judgemental as all hell. So when I tried to come up, that marriage imploded and she tried to keep my kids from me. My own brother and his wife, also devout Catholics, told me to never go near their kids again. I was soon isolated and sinking fast. Now I suffer chronic depression. I remarried and we have a wonderful place that is beautiful and we are starting an alpaca farm together. Problem is, I don't want to lose it. The last time, I lost my home, my family, my job, my friends, and almost my kids. Then there is the matter of trust. I cannot trust anyone. I have no one to talk to and can't afford a counselor. Sad, because I make good money but am still paying almost $2k in child support a month. My daughter is emancipated, but it would cost me $2k to go back to court to have it reduced by only $200. Then there is the possibility that they could make me pay for her lawyer too since my ex still only works a part time job. I can't even afford the $2k.

 

[stickygirl]

Thank you for your insight and your honesty Nomore. You're always welcome to post here

Here's a link I was pleased to find: Janet Mock in conversation with Oprah

 

[BradBigBrain]

First off. Janet Mock is spectacularly beautiful.
Second. I am not an Oprah fan at all.
Third. This interview was awesome. Mainly because Oprah let Janet speak and didn't try to overlay her opinion on top of Janet's realness. Like most American media people try to do. Yes, I am talking to you, Katie Couric.

We played smear the queer all the time!!! We didn't think anything of the name at all.

 

[BradBigBrain]

You may have experienced this....what's the answer to the question, "'What do we do when this child grows up and wants to use the girls' change room in gym class?'"

What do we do? Do we care that boys and girls beyond puberty share a change room in the school gym class?

What's the answer to the statement, "I don't want my teenage daughter sharing the restroom, bathroom, change room with a teenage boy. I don't care that that boy thinks he's a girl, it's not right."


http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/edmonton/edmonton-catholic-school-bans-transgender-child-7-from-girls-washroom-1.3073737

 

[stickygirl]

You may have experienced this....what's the answer to the question, "'What do we do when this child grows up and wants to use the girls' change room in gym class?'"

What do we do? Do we care that boys and girls beyond puberty share a change room in the school gym class?

What's the answer to the statement, "I don't want my teenage daughter sharing the restroom, bathroom, change room with a teenage boy. I don't care that that boy thinks he's a girl, it's not right."


http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/edmonton/edmonton-catholic-school-bans-transgender-child-7-from-girls-washroom-1.3073737

*sigh*
Yeah... every Mom's nightmare isn't it? That their little girl is going to be raped/abused/abducted/perverted/spied on/traumatised ... it's an understandable human / parental reaction but.. have those objecting parents done anymore than "object" and left it to the school to meat out "justice"? Have they done anymore than read the headline of some trolling scaremonger and recoil in horror?

What the parents of the trans kid need to do is to introduce her to those parents to quell their fears and make it a human(e) experience for them, instead of this knee-jerk reaction to monsters-under-the-bed. Unfortunately, parading your already confused child for the satisfaction of others, is hardly fair or constructive.

Best choice here? Take your child out of a catholic school and send her somewhere with less narrow-minded parents. I don't have much time for catholic anything quite frankly, and this is just fuel to that fire.
Assholes

ETA
Edmonton... that's shale oil country isn't it? Figures...

 

[coati]

*sigh*

Best choice here? Take your child out of a catholic school and send her somewhere with less narrow-minded parents. I don't have much time for catholic anything quite frankly, and this is just fuel to that fire.
Assholes

I don't know about the UK, but across the pond in the US, Catholic can either mean narrow-minded and intolerant or broad-minded and compassionate.

Nevertheless, I also generalize about groups from time to time, especially when I am at wit's end.

 

[stickygirl]

I don't know about the UK, but across the pond in the US, Catholic can either mean narrow-minded and intolerant or broad-minded and compassionate.

Nevertheless, I also generalize about groups from time to time, especially when I am at wit's end.

Yea... I know, I felt kinda bad for slagging off Catholics because I have a good friend on Lit who is. Nevertheless at some point wild generalisations have grains of truth. I know several catholic girl-friends at Uni who felt stressed out about using the pill and there are so many incidences of child abuse covered up by the church ( no, I'm not going to cite instances - google it yourself ).

This case in point is far from either broad-minded or compassionate...