Ask a MtF TG a question

[stickygirl]

My transition timeline

Hey thanks Kate and welcome to Lit


This is totally unrelated I promise and I nearly put it LGBT Humour but I decided it was too black for that
https://38.media.tumblr.com/00b2fc3f2c4b3f17430f8e38df0178a0/tumblr_n9l8l8ux5W1tth1bno1_500.jpg

 

[Funnbrandy]

Just curious...

Probably more of a personal question than to transgendered people in general.....if you could choose to have been born a female would you have?......or would you remain transgendered?

 

[4yourpleasureiam]

Probably more of a personal question than to transgendered people in general.....if you could choose to have been born a female would you have?......or would you remain transgendered?

Well I am not certain I qualify but if I had had the choice, I think I would be transgender. Yes I dream a lot of being a natural woman but then I would have missed out on many things and I realy don't want to think I might have married a man who turned out to be happ with t=wham bang thank you mam twice a week and then sat with a beer and bag of chips in front of a sports tv all week end and every night. No thanks. I love doing things to much so I am happy for what I have been but will be happy for what I will be. Look at all the lovely women who have made the journey and see their smile. Look at their eyes and see the joy. That should answer any question. Just their smiles could write a world shattering book if people took the time to understand.

 

[stickygirl]

Probably more of a personal question than to transgendered people in general.....if you could choose to have been born a female would you have?......or would you remain transgendered?

Hi Funnbrandy and thanks for the question. If I may I'll put your question in a slightly different way: would I change who I am? would I change what I am?

Who I am? No, because I have learned so much more of the world through the experience of being transgender. To be honest, few of those experiences have been pleasant: losing friends, being harrassed, having my sanity questioned, being threatened with violence and more. If you can't find something good from those experiences, then they just grind you down and so although at times I feel in despair, they have made me who I am.

What I am? To be a cis-woman, yes in a flash. Would I prefer to maybe have my own children, to have no Adam's apple, to have no need for SRS?… so many things, so long as it were possible to be the same person!

But this is of course wishful thinking. I am what and who I am and the two are indivisible. It doesn't matter whether we are transgender ( not transgendered btw ) or cis-gender, constantly wishing for the unattainable is a path of misery. We have to be content, without be complacent huh?

 

[stickygirl]

Well I am not certain I qualify but if I had had the choice, I think I would be transgender. Yes I dream a lot of being a natural woman

I'm puzzled by your response 4your: you'd either want to be a woman or not. No one wishes to be transgender - you either are trans* or you're not - wishing doesn't come into it If instead you're wishing to have the physical attributes of a MTF (and that usually means looking gorgeous and having sex everyday without ever shitting the bed) then fair enough. Maybe we need to talk some more - I'd be happy to PM. Plenty of trans girls start out focused purely on the physical and sexual side because, just like the rest of the porn-watching world, you're conditioned into thinking that's all there is. There's far more to it than that, honey, and if you get over the porn hurdle, you'll find Life opens out into something much bigger and more meaningful

but then I would have missed out on many things and I realy don't want to think I might have married a man who turned out to be happ with t=wham bang thank you mam twice a week and then sat with a beer and bag of chips in front of a sports tv all week end and every night. No thanks.

Oh I dunno - I'm sure Mr Couchpotato could have some endearing qualities… nah, maybe not!

I love doing things to much so I am happy for what I have been but will be happy for what I will be. Look at all the lovely women who have made the journey and see their smile. Look at their eyes and see the joy. That should answer any question. Just their smiles could write a world shattering book if people took the time to understand.

Forgive my puzzlement again, but in whose eyes are we looking? I've rarely seen anyone on a porn site with happy eyes. In real life I've seen too many tears: I know three trans girls who have tried to take their lives ( x2 pills, x1 hot bath and razor blade )… I see a lot of anger, self-hate, fear and just plain unhappiness. Maybe I'm taking your words too literally?
Being able to transition is better than not, but it ain't no bowl of chocolates. I certainly would have tried more than once to take my own life and who knows, I might have succeeded if I'd had not transitioned - it makes me shudder to think about it. There are days when things do go well, just as they do in anyone's life, when you can forget the hurt and enjoy the moment. Lets stay focused on them, huh?

 

[Paradox]

Stickygirl, your response to 4your has left me a little puzzled now. I will admit that I found 4your's comments a bit confusing, but I think I got the gist. What I didn't see was any mention of porn and only a passing reference to sex at all so what did I miss? Please forgive me if this is naive, but I would think a major reason for going through the physical and emotional turmoil of making a gender transition would be the hope of being happier as the real you.

Perhaps I am misreading your response but when you say, "I see a lot of anger, self-hate, fear and just plain unhappiness" it sounds as if you are saying the result is not a benefit. I know I'm missing something here.

 

[haurni]

Well I am not certain I qualify but if I had had the choice, I think I would be transgender. Yes I dream a lot of being a natural woman but then I would have missed out on many things

From skimming 4YP's previous posts he seems to be a bi sub crossdressing male. I believe he's saying that he would like to be female but if he had been born so then he would have missed out on the experiences he's had to date as a man. If he were to make his wish a reality then he would be, by definition, trans. Of course, he does have that choice, and if he chooses not to transition then that suggests that his desire to be a woman is simply that - a desire but not a deeply held matter of gender identity (though I realize that other factors could be involved here that might inhibit him from transitioning). Having already cluttered dear SG's thread with my own musings on this topic I believe I understand more or less where he's coming from - perhaps we should have a thread on "Men who wish they were women but aren't trans"

I am happy for what I have been but will be happy for what I will be. Look at all the lovely women who have made the journey and see their smile. Look at their eyes and see the joy. That should answer any question. Just their smiles could write a world shattering book if people took the time to understand.

Here I believe he's referring to women who have transitioned (though not to become porn actresses), although it took me reading SG and Paradox's responses then rereading his to come to that conclusion.

 

[haurni]

The term 'shemale'?

Okay... here's a question I've been wondering about for some time. It's a matter of terminology (and motivation!).

I've read a lot to suggest that many/most/all? of the women in 'shemale' porn films transition largely/primarily? because of the profit to be had from engaging in this particular line of work. I realize that many people make considerable changes to their bodies for motives less concrete than profit (e.g. the 'real life Barbie') but the implication seems to be that their career choice somehow means that they aren't 'real' transwomen (the whole question about who's 'real' being one that trans people are unfortunately very familiar with). I haven't been able to locate any scholarly articles on their motivations but, at the same time, I sort of have to assume that the women who work in 'shemale' porn nevertheless have at least some identification as women. Does anybody have any references to studies on this group - personality characteristics, motivations, etc. - as compared to trans women who do not go into porn?

When I think of the term 'shemale' I (now) think of it as referring to this particular subcategory of trans women as a sort of mental shorthand to distinguish them from women who transition for reasons other than profit (i.e. gender dysphoria - assuming again that 'shemales' are somehow not like other trans women). Is there really a difference? And is there a better term to use? 'Trans female sex worker' would include those who don't work in film and 'trans porn actress' would include those who have fully transitioned (their possession of a penis being what identifies their particular niche).

~signed

Terminologically Confused ​

 

[Paradox]

Terminologically Confused ​

I'm right there with you, my friend. As I've said before, this thread has been a great find for me.

 

[stickygirl]

Stickygirl, your response to 4your has left me a little puzzled now. I will admit that I found 4your's comments a bit confusing, but I think I got the gist. What I didn't see was any mention of porn and only a passing reference to sex at all so what did I miss? Please forgive me if this is naive, but I would think a major reason for going through the physical and emotional turmoil of making a gender transition would be the hope of being happier as the real you.

Confusion reigns! This is normal

We're on an erotica site so my assumption, unless people qualify their post, is that their reason for being here is for erotic interest. You're right to question and I am truly sorry if I have misunderstood 4your by reading between the lines, but I have also checked hir previous posts as a bit of background.

4your is a gentle soul from what I can see, but there is frequently a disconnect between people's fantasy and reality, and frankly being trans* is not about having happy eyes, nor is it about having 'choice' come to that. If that sounds presumptious then it is said to warn, not to chastise, because I worry that some people sleep walk into a dangerous situation where fantasy crashes into reality in a violent way.

I am doubtful if 4your is out and transitioned, but if s/he were and is that happy, I want to know where s/he lives because I've moving there! I try not to whine too much about being trans* but I have looked into eyes and I do not see much happiness. 4your's language "Look at all the lovely women who have made the journey and see their smile. Look at their eyes and see the joy." paints a false and romantic picture of something that simply does not exist.

Do I sound like a cynic? Yup - I suppose I am, but I live in the real world not the kingdom of fluff. Now you've pushed me to be more forthright that I intended - I was trying to be subtle - guess I don't do that either.
https://38.media.tumblr.com/00b2fc3f2c4b3f17430f8e38df0178a0/tumblr_n9l8l8ux5W1tth1bno1_500.jpg

Perhaps I am misreading your response but when you say, "I see a lot of anger, self-hate, fear and just plain unhappiness" it sounds as if you are saying the result is not a benefit. I know I'm missing something here.

As I mentioned, transitioning does help: its sets you on a path that allows you to live in the correct gender, but that is only part of the solution and I'm sure you realise that there is no trans magic wand that changes your life. Simply declaring your gender is just a first step in a very long, actually life-long, process.

Taking my own situation, when I went up to Uni I had begun my transition: I dressed appropriately and that was a huge step for me. But clothing is just a small part of it - the goal is not to 'trick' people into assuming you are cis-gender, but to have people accept you as a trans woman or even just a person. If I can 'pass' the cursory glance of people in the street without raising curiosity, then I'm less likely to be abused, questioned or threatened. It took a little while for the excitement/curiosity amongst my fellow students and lecturers to subside, but I was accepted as just another student, which is all I wanted.

Being accepted made my life so much better, but is not a complete picture. I was verbally abused and physically threatened on numerous occasions, mostly outside of the university cocoon. Having complete strangers tell you you're a faggot, or a whore, or a fucking tranny. Having people hunt out your old first name and shout it at you: those things fill you with each of those emotions. But there's is no way I would change who I am and hopefully society will accept trans folk not as tricksters or cranks or pedophiles but as ordinary people. Maybe then we'll see the suicide rates come down?
But don't take my word for it - PDF 'A Report of the National Transgender Discrimination Survey'

In my head and my soul I am a woman. I can't change my DNA so I will always be a trans woman. We deserve to be treated not with privileges or special-case status, but just as other women - our equals.

 

[stickygirl]

Okay... here's a question I've been wondering about for some time. It's a matter of terminology (and motivation!).

I've read a lot to suggest that many/most/all? of the women in 'shemale' porn films transition largely/primarily? ........ Does anybody have any references to studies on this group - personality characteristics, motivations, etc. - as compared to trans women who do not go into porn?

When I think of the term 'shemale' ...... who don't work in film and 'trans porn actress' would include those who have fully transitioned (their possession of a penis being what identifies their particular niche).

~signed

Terminologically Confused ​

You're kinda pushing me to make assumptions about a type of trans woman I've never met, but I will see if I can find a reference. Maybe you should do some research yourself and publish?!

Perhaps we shouldn't consider trans women working in the sex industry as being any different to cis-gender woman doing the same? Are cis-gender porn actresses just doing it for the money? Would they earn more working as prostitutes or do they get a vanity-kick out appearing on video? If that were the case, then why should trans women be any different? Sure, they have an extra string to their sexual bow, but not every trans woman in the industry is scraping together money for their SRS by appearing in porn for money: plenty of them must be doing it because they love appearing on film. Besides, I don't believe that porn acting pays enough to make a living: there simply isn't enough of it around - surely it is a bit of extra money?
Not all trans women feel the need to have 'bottom surgery' ( ie gender re-assignment surgery, not summinck to do with your butt ) and again, why single out porn actors as being any different?
I'm uncomfortable making assumptions about an industry of which I know zip, but there are far more trans women making a living outside of that industry, like maybe 1:1000?

It would be hypocritical of me to judge any woman who decides to spend a fortune on breast enhancement, or butt-enhancement or botox or collagen implants. I think they're nuts, but I damned well won't criticise their decision, because it's their body and their life. It wouldn't make me feel better about myself ( hmm…. well actually this nose could do with something ) but I support their decision. My happiness ( Yes Paradox - I do have moments of it!! ) comes from somewhere other than creating a physique that conforms to some arbitrary sexual standard set by men.

 

[4yourpleasureiam]

I'm puzzled by your response 4your: you'd either want to be a woman or not. No one wishes to be transgender - you either are trans* or you're not - wishing doesn't come into it If instead you're wishing to have the physical attributes of a MTF (and that usually means looking gorgeous and having sex everyday without ever shitting the bed) then fair enough. Maybe we need to talk some more - I'd be happy to PM. Plenty of trans girls start out focused purely on the physical and sexual side because, just like the rest of the porn-watching world, you're conditioned into thinking that's all there is. There's far more to it than that, honey, and if you get over the porn hurdle, you'll find Life opens out into something much bigger and more meaningful



Oh I dunno - I'm sure Mr Couchpotato could have some endearing qualities… nah, maybe not!



Forgive my puzzlement again, but in whose eyes are we looking? I've rarely seen anyone on a porn site with happy eyes. In real life I've seen too many tears: I know three trans girls who have tried to take their lives ( x2 pills, x1 hot bath and razor blade )… I see a lot of anger, self-hate, fear and just plain unhappiness. Maybe I'm taking your words too literally?
Being able to transition is better than not, but it ain't no bowl of chocolates. I certainly would have tried more than once to take my own life and who knows, I might have succeeded if I'd had not transitioned - it makes me shudder to think about it. There are days when things do go well, just as they do in anyone's life, when you can forget the hurt and enjoy the moment. Lets stay focused on them, huh?

Not on the porn sites, I don't really like the if I may use the word "professional" sites as I do not know if the people on them are real or just doing something for the money. I suspect the latter. No I am talking about the different blogs some women have. I am more accurately referring to a site called "T-central" and yes I have seen one or two posted on here of picture transformations of "not professional " people.
I am truly sorry if I stepped on some toes, No I will never be able to have any surgery because there is not a reputable doctor in the world who would touch me because of medical conditions and the danger of surgery to me. I am very discrete in dressing because I respect women to much to make a mockery of them. No I do not have any allusions of porn transgender. I think that makes a mockery also of what you are and I wish I could be. I know you have no reason to believe anything I say but I do have so much respect for you and only wish you the best. I am so sorry people are unkind. That is what I was saying if people could only read what is in another's eyes they would see that now so many who were troubled (much as you say you were and your friends who tried to end their lives) and then become who they know who they are and why can't we all just be happy for them. That does not make sense but I pray you can muddle through it. Again sorry for stepping out of line on your thread.

 

[haurni]

My apologies to you, 4YP, if I misunderstood you and/or misgendered you.

 

[stickygirl]

Not on the porn sites, I don't really like the if I may use the word "professional" sites as I do not know if the people on them are real or just doing something for the money. ...... That does not make sense but I pray you can muddle through it. Again sorry for stepping out of line on your thread.

Hey, 4your - there's no need for apologies, words have the power to be our greatest allies and biggest let downs, and being clear in how we express what is in our hearts is never easy - I should know because I screw up all the time.
I am truly sorry that you are not able to transition and I know how painful it is to only be able to nibble at the edges, without being allowed to go further. I had three frustrating years of being told 'no' but at least I had light at the end of my tunnel, because I knew it would happen in the end.
I hope you are able to share a little of that frustration, maybe through a local support group? They can be pretty intimidating at first and you might think everyone is a bit crazy, but if you stick with it, you'll make some great friends. I don't know too much about Arkansas - it sounds like it might be one of the old-fashioned states but finding a group might be worth checking out?
No toes stepped on here - you know as well as I do, you have to have a thick hide sometimes. I think we were a bit confused about where you were coming from, but now that is clearer, I hope you'll post again and thank you for your contributions - you certainly got folks talking and that has to be good

'T-central' huh? I'd better check that out!

 

[stickygirl]

Well yesterday was quite a day, with so many wrong conclusions, false assumptions but crucially, no hate. One thing's for certain - we will all find things about which we disagree, but that's just because as transgender folk, we can be at any stage of our development, so we each have different concerns and priorities.

The trans* umbrella is indeed very broad, but why? Surely we could fit the different cis-gender men and women comfortably under a handkerchief in terms of their gender diversity, so why are we so difficult to classify? Is it our "specialness", our stubbornness? Is it the experiences we have as trans people in different social and familial backgrounds?
Perhaps it is because we lack the right language that describes our status - the natural flow of every statement is confounded by the need to qualify, define and re-define our points of reference? Every opinion too has to show that although it is purely subjective, we still strive to remain inclusive of those whose opinions, for reasons of their status, will differ from ours.

It's an exhausting business. Our language stumbles because it is built on a culture that is hetero-normative. We have to bring, not only our fellow trans*, but the whole of society with us, if we are ever to convince the world at large that we can no longer be dismissed with words like 'pervert, freak, weirdo and more'.

We are completely at the mercy of the hetero world and reliant on showing the right amount of stubbornness to show we mean what we say, without sounding intransigent. We are becoming more visible, largely through more media attention but that is a two edged sword as Julia Serano discovered recently

 

[stickygirl]

thinking head

Do men think quite differently to women? This is just a muse, prompted from reading, Astonishing Splashes of Colour by Clare Morrall, written in first person, through the eyes of a woman.

I find myself thinking in much the same way as the protagonist, with patterns of thought chasing each other like dead leaves in an autumn wind: seemingly random yet each charged with an emotional potential. I can think in a very focused way: it feels like my masculine side ( yes - I admit that I have that ) but the random emotional thoughts feel more like me. As they race round my head I'm able to pluck individual ideas for closer examination. Does any of this make any sense at all??

Men and women tend to write in quite different ways, just as they act and speak differently so surely our thoughts must be equally different. Before I started Estadriol, those masculine and feminine thought patterns were always in conflict, at war, and I couldn't access my female side - as though a loud, bad-tempered boy were shouting in my head. Perhaps that means I have a better perspective on how the brain behaves, if hormones modify our thoughts?

So I suppose the question is to men: do your fluttering random emotional bomblet-thoughts irritate you as distractions or do you allow them space? The question to women is 'do you know wtf I'm talking about?'

 

[BradBigBrain]

Do men think quite differently to women? This is just a muse, prompted from reading, Astonishing Splashes of Colour by Clare Morrall, written in first person, through the eyes of a woman.

I find myself thinking in much the same way as the protagonist, with patterns of thought chasing each other like dead leaves in an autumn wind: seemingly random yet each charged with an emotional potential. I can think in a very focused way: it feels like my masculine side ( yes - I admit that I have that ) but the random emotional thoughts feel more like me. As they race round my head I'm able to pluck individual ideas for closer examination. Does any of this make any sense at all??

Men and women tend to write in quite different ways, just as they act and speak differently so surely our thoughts must be equally different. Before I started Estadriol, those masculine and feminine thought patterns were always in conflict, at war, and I couldn't access my female side - as though a loud, bad-tempered boy were shouting in my head. Perhaps that means I have a better perspective on how the brain behaves, if hormones modify our thoughts?

So I suppose the question is to men: do your fluttering random emotional bomblet-thoughts irritate you as distractions or do you allow them space? The question to women is 'do you know wtf I'm talking about?'

TL;DR! Not really. I read the whole thing.

I'm not a woman and I don't play one on TV, but I think I'm qualified to answer because I've lived with women my whole life.

There's a comedian who speaks of how we men think in boxes. We have a car box. A finance box, a love box, a nothing box. And we separate our thoughts as such.

Women's thoughts are all interconnected so there's no disconnecting. If Gracie is troubled by finances there not much chance of me getting laid because finances are connected to love. "We don't have enough money to pay the bills so that romantic dinner is out the window, so I'm gonna get my flannel pjs on grab a box of chocolates and watch some man hating movie on Lifetime."

Me: "it's a day that ends in Y, let's fuck."

Oh and that thing about men only thinking of food and sex is only partially true.

Yes, if I don't have a hardon feed me a sammich

 

[Paradox]

So I suppose the question is to men: do your fluttering random emotional bomblet-thoughts irritate you as distractions or do you allow them space?/QUOTE]

They don't irritate me, but I may not always allow them space at the moment. Sometimes I do, and sometimes I set them aside planning to come back to them later. I usually don't because I forget, but that has more to do with age than being a man. I don't really think I put them in boxes, either.


"My happiness ( Yes Paradox - I do have moments of it!! ) comes from somewhere other than creating a physique that conforms to some arbitrary sexual standard set by men."

I'm glad to hear this. I suspected it, but I was starting to wonder

Also, in re "arbitrary sexual standard set by men" I will toss out the idea that those standards may be driven by women as much as by men, if not more so. Discuss.

 

[4yourpleasureiam]

Sometimes they just make me do stupid, and I mean stupid, things. Stupid things that I later regret but that is the thing about doing stupid things, you can never take them back. Try or cry as you may.

 

[stickygirl]

Sometimes they just make me do stupid, and I mean stupid, things. Stupid things that I later regret but that is the thing about doing stupid things, you can never take them back. Try or cry as you may.

You mean the emotional thoughts 4YP? Are you saying you just blurt out things that reveal the side of you you're trying to keep hidden?

I'll get back to Paradox and BBB laters x

 

[stickygirl]

If Gracie is troubled by finances there not much chance of me getting laid because finances are connected to love. "We don't have enough money to pay the bills so that romantic dinner is out the window, so I'm gonna get my flannel pjs on grab a box of chocolates and watch some man hating movie on Lifetime."

I like Grace even more

Yes, if I don't have a hardon feed me a sammich

Is why men are so lovable: ya kinda know what's on the menu before you get to the diner

Also, in re "arbitrary sexual standard set by men" I will toss out the idea that those standards may be driven by women as much as by men, if not more so. Discuss.

Meh... I'm not turning this into a feminist v patriarch dust-up Sorry, but it's gets discussed everywhere, but thanks for spotting my huffy comment

 

[4yourpleasureiam]

You mean the emotional thoughts 4YP? Are you saying you just blurt out things that reveal the side of you you're trying to keep hidden?
" like the loud bad tempered boy shouting in my head" breaks out some times type of things
I'll get back to Paradox and BBB laters x

No it is the man things that come out in a burst. Does that make sense? I am not sure I really understand but I have always been much happier with the women, even as a cowboy I was happiest with the "cowgirls". That does not mean I could not ride and herd with the best of them but I have always hated the man competition one up-men-ship. But I think trying to keep that in bottles up until It overflows in stupid ways. In the Army I made sure that in my Platoon there was no putting down of young solders or each other.

 

[Paradox]

Meh... I'm not turning this into a feminist v patriarch dust-up Sorry, but it's gets discussed everywhere, but thanks for spotting my huffy comment

Nah, I didn't mean it that way and didn't think you were being huffy at all. But, you're right about not needing to discuss it here.

 

[stickygirl]

We don't have a transgender dis-inspiration thread so this gets lumped into here. I try to stay on the up, to be optimistic and think the best of people. I also follow Julia Serano's blog who has a talent for telling it like it is.
So there's been a spat running after she was misrepresented in an article by Michelle Goldberg in New Yorker Michelle Goldberg in New Yorker. I should know better than read anything to do with TERF but Serano complained about the piece and here's her first link and follow up. Transadvocate ( bless them! ) also published Serano's counter article

Bottom line is I feel really shit. Despite all the good media coverage, it just takes one biased bit of journalism to bring everything tumbling down and gives the rad-fems and haters more fodder, by allowing them to trumpet Goldbergs piece as being legitimate.

Apologies firstly that this is a whine and that secondly, to get a flavour of why I feel this way would involve you in a fairly lengthy read. You don't have to read it: I just wanted to whine

 

[Paradox]

I may not be able to relate to the emotional pain you endure, but I will listen to you vent my friend.