Ask a Dom

[intothewoods]

You're welcome. Glad I can be helpful.

Speaking of egos, you may wanted to have pre-meeting to discuss. Two PYLs of any gender can be *cough* territorial. Make sure everyone understands the ground rules up front and no one gets the "I'm the better PYL" attitude.



Have fun!

Ooh - pre-meeting - great idea!

 

[Chris_Xavier]

Are you saying I seem like the type to make men feel emasculated?

Knowing you like I do.. you probably have a knife somewhere.. or at least a hammer labeled "ball buster"

 

[intothewoods]

Knowing you like I do.. you probably have a knife somewhere.. or at least a hammer labeled "ball buster"

Of course I don't have a knife labeled ball buster. That doesn't even make sense. You can't bust balls with a knife!

 

[sexycaz22]

Hi,

I have a question.

I am very new to the BDSM world, although I did have some experiences online, I always knew that it would not be the same as experiencing the BDSM in real-life.

I will be going (I hope!) to a local munch next week, and I am very nervous and excited at the same time! I am also meeting this guy at the munch, we've chatted online and enjoyed the conversations I have had with him. But I don't see him as a PYL for long-term relationship or for a D/s relationship. However, I can see there is potential for him to be a play mate (not sure of the correct term!)

So, my question is this:

Since I am very new and is very shy, should I find a suitable PYL for a long-term relationship, where we can build things up or should I be looking for some play sessions to begin with and seeing what I like or doesn't like?

Caz

 

[CutieMouse]

Hi,

So, my question is this:

Since I am very new and is very shy, should I find a suitable PYL for a long-term relationship, where we can build things up or should I be looking for some play sessions to begin with and seeing what I like or doesn't like?

Caz

That depends on you. (I know... I know... how annoying!)

I'm the sort of person who doesn't do casual relationships, so I decided to spend my time reading/researching/asking questions until I was ready to look for a long term relationship, because I knew that casually playing wouldn't work with how *I* am wired emotionally/mentally/etc. J is literally the only person who has ever spanked/flogged/seriously tied me up, and I'm perfectly okay with that (thankfully so is he LOL).

Someone else might thrive and grow best by trying things out with multiple play partners and casual relationships, because that's how they are wired, and waiting to experience things until they entered a LTR would be like a death sentence to embracing their kink.

 

[intothewoods]

I think Cutie is right. I'm personally not trying out a bunch of people just to see what I like, but because I'm not in an emotional space to be in a relationship right now. Kink or no-kink - when it comes to a relationship - what are you looking for, you know?

 

[sexycaz22]

Yes, I suppose that does make sense, it would depend on me.

There are times when I wanted to look for a long-term relationship, other times, I don't want a long-term relationship, and I just wanted to have some "fun" exploring my submissive side, especially in the bedroom.

So, as you can see, I am torn between the two and don't know what I really want!

Caz

 

[Chris_Xavier]

Yes, I suppose that does make sense, it would depend on me.

There are times when I wanted to look for a long-term relationship, other times, I don't want a long-term relationship, and I just wanted to have some "fun" exploring my submissive side, especially in the bedroom.

So, as you can see, I am torn between the two and don't know what I really want!

Caz

Join the club, Caz.. don't know if I should zig or if I should zag.

 

[sexycaz22]

Join the club, Caz.. don't know if I should zig or if I should zag.

Yep - zig or zag.....

A hard choice? Perhaps not! *laughs*

 

[Chris_Xavier]

Yep - zig or zag.....

A hard choice? Perhaps not! *laughs*

If you are unsure.. my advice is to keep things at playmate level.. then if you like him and trust him.. you can always up the ante. If you go the other way, it is harder to shift gears.

 

[sexycaz22]

If you are unsure.. my advice is to keep things at playmate level.. then if you like him and trust him.. you can always up the ante. If you go the other way, it is harder to shift gears.

Good advice, Chris, I will bear that in mind.

And going to this munch might make my mind up but then maybe it might bring up more questions!

 

[jnubbs]

Domestication

Hi I am very interested in being a domestic servent for a Dom. for a period of say 2-3 months. Do such positions open up and what is the best way to find such positions??

 

[LadyAria]

Hi I am very interested in being a domestic servent for a Dom. for a period of say 2-3 months. Do such positions open up and what is the best way to find such positions??

Try alternative lifestyle newspapers. They, at times, will carry ads. Also, you can post in the online personals website advertising your specific desires. I am not as familiar with online websites and will leave that to more knowledge peer with personal experience.

Finally, lifestyle functions such as conventions and munchs are excellent ways to network and find desirable partners that match whatever your current sexual goal may be.

When you say Dom, what gender are you desiring? I know I will use Dom to refer to myself as a Dominant though I am female. However, many feel that title is reserved for men. (*shrug* PYL, right?) I asked the gender because homosexual BDSM networks can be slightly different and easier (in ways) to maneuver.

 

[LadyAria]

Hi,

I have a question.

I am very new to the BDSM world, although I did have some experiences online, I always knew that it would not be the same as experiencing the BDSM in real-life.

I will be going (I hope!) to a local munch next week, and I am very nervous and excited at the same time! I am also meeting this guy at the munch, we've chatted online and enjoyed the conversations I have had with him. But I don't see him as a PYL for long-term relationship or for a D/s relationship. However, I can see there is potential for him to be a play mate (not sure of the correct term!)

So, my question is this:

Since I am very new and is very shy, should I find a suitable PYL for a long-term relationship, where we can build things up or should I be looking for some play sessions to begin with and seeing what I like or doesn't like?

Caz

I agree with Cutie. It is all a matter of taste.

I was for years commitment-phobic. I played a lot and with a lot of different people of both sex. I bottomed, I topped, I hit all the letters in different combinations. However, I very rarely mixed actual vaginal sex with my play. Many deemed me a horrible tease, but HEY my body, my rules.

I settled in an open LTR as a Dominant and I'm glad of all of my playdates. It is all on what you feel your sexual journey requires. No one can show to the way.

My only true input is...be safe, know your limits, communicate and have fun!

 

[@}-}rebecca----]

Lady Aria, my apologies , I still haven't located the original blog . Hope the offering below will suffice for now. If you prefer I can move the image elsewhere

http://i101.photobucket.com/albums/m71/worldrebecca/These_Boots_are_Made_for_____by_Wic.jpg​

 

[LadyAria]

That is hot

 

[Betticus]

Might want to check the picture posting rules on copyright and images..

 

[RUbensBeautY]

Hello

I have a question. Thank you for reading along.

What can I do to improve my dominant side while not actively participating in play?

I have been reading into the matter for about two years now but I am still inexperienced since I am not interested in casual play. Only want to open Pandora's box in a committed relationship. I imagine it will take LOTs of learning from that point onward too but I would really like to become the best Domme that I can be for my future partner.

Any suggestions?

 

[DVS]

I have a question. Thank you for reading along.

What can I do to improve my dominant side while not actively participating in play?

I have been reading into the matter for about two years now but I am still inexperienced since I am not interested in casual play. Only want to open Pandora's box in a committed relationship. I imagine it will take LOTs of learning from that point onward too but I would really like to become the best Domme that I can be for my future partner.

Any suggestions?

Well, if you ask me, reading is only going to give you information. Not that that isn't important to know, but I don't think it is going to help your skills any. Like anything else that involves skill, practice is what makes you better. Whether it be swinging a flogger on target, deciding how hard to smack with a paddle, knowing how and why submissives move during play and knowing the danger signs and watching for them, while keeping the sub's interest in your plan of um...attack.

You can read books after books on how to, but until you get your feet wet and experience the full contact sport, you can't really get better. I don't think you get worse, so there's no worry about that, but the more you play, and the more you interact with submissives, the more you are going to learn about things. And, if there’s a certain submissive, the more you play with one person, the more you learn about them.

That's why they say an old Dom is an experienced Dom. He's had the on the job experience, where a new guy only knows what he wants to do. He might have read about it and has a plan of action, but until he experiences the action, it's only academic.

Now, that's how I see it. Someone else might have a different approach for you.

 

[Softouch911]

I have a question. Thank you for reading along.

What can I do to improve my dominant side while not actively participating in play?

I have been reading into the matter for about two years now but I am still inexperienced since I am not interested in casual play. Only want to open Pandora's box in a committed relationship. I imagine it will take LOTs of learning from that point onward too but I would really like to become the best Domme that I can be for my future partner.

Any suggestions?

The key to dominance isn't in your knowledge, though you probably already know that, and the previous poster made it clear, too.

The suggestion would be to "work on" your attitude toward others ... all others. To be specific:

confidence
control
letting go of what can't be controlled
ethical clarity
communication skills
communication experience -- i.e., visit munches in your locale, get to know people in real life.

I think your question is excellent, by the way. Sometimes people want to know what they can do to become dominant ... the answer is easy: nothing. But you can certainly improve on what you've been born with. If I think of others, I'll add, but I think you get the gist.

A sort of edgy idea for you: if you do meet an experienced dominant (male or female) and want to learn about play, perhaps they'll let you watch ... even more, perhaps they'll let you bottom for them. It helps me to know what it feels like, even though bottoms like different things, and y ou won't get the pleasure out of it that they would.

Just a thought. HOpe it helps.
Respectfully, ST

 

[LadyAria]

I have a question. Thank you for reading along.

What can I do to improve my dominant side while not actively participating in play?

I have been reading into the matter for about two years now but I am still inexperienced since I am not interested in casual play. Only want to open Pandora's box in a committed relationship. I imagine it will take LOTs of learning from that point onward too but I would really like to become the best Domme that I can be for my future partner.

Any suggestions?

Without participating in a relationship? Hm, that one tickles the brain.

Suggestion to work on Dom skills while not living the reality:

1. Work on people management skills. Odd answer, I know. However, I have found some of the MBA coursework actually does transfer. Books on psychology, leadership philosophies and learning styles can be interestingly applied to the BDSM lifestyle.
Being a leader is a fundamental aspect of the Dominant role. You must know and understand the key elements to leadership: authenticity,credibility, dynamic leadership, trust, self-discipline, communication (concise and clear), etc. These types of courses help you to build confidence and understanding of human nature that can improve success even if it is in the bedroom. Does everyone have to do this? No. Can it be helpful? Yes.

2. Know your tools and how they work. It is not the same thing as having a partner. However, a large dead hog could lend practice to how it feels (to some extent) to flog or whip a human. Practicing how to hold, accuracy in swing and the amount of force for effect can be learned. However, the human element of emotional response and movement is removed. So, this practice is really to know how to use the tools, not how to make your sub respond to it.
If no dead hogs are available through your local butcher (or you don't want to explain the animal or coordinate the disposal), then try things like snapping cans off of a fence post. Self-application can be useful for understanding sensation, but your form will be poor.

3. Read non-fiction and fiction books. Knowledge is important and creativity is essential.

4. Work on yourself. Be someone to whom you would want to submit. Personal hygiene, good health, strong character and interesting personality always improve your self-esteem and presence.

That's all I can think of without involving RL scenarios. Hope this is useful.

 

[RUbensBeautY]

Without participating in a relationship? Hm, that one tickles the brain.

Suggestion to work on Dom skills while not living the reality:

1. Work on people management skills. Odd answer, I know. However, I have found some of the MBA coursework actually does transfer. Books on psychology, leadership philosophies and learning styles can be interestingly applied to the BDSM lifestyle.
Being a leader is a fundamental aspect of the Dominant role. You must know and understand the key elements to leadership: authenticity,credibility, dynamic leadership, trust, self-discipline, communication (concise and clear), etc. These types of courses help you to build confidence and understanding of human nature that can improve success even if it is in the bedroom. Does everyone have to do this? No. Can it be helpful? Yes.

2. Know your tools and how they work. It is not the same thing as having a partner. However, a large dead hog could lend practice to how it feels (to some extent) to flog or whip a human. Practicing how to hold, accuracy in swing and the amount of force for effect can be learned. However, the human element of emotional response and movement is removed. So, this practice is really to know how to use the tools, not how to make your sub respond to it.
If no dead hogs are available through your local butcher (or you don't want to explain the animal or coordinate the disposal), then try things like snapping cans off of a fence post. Self-application can be useful for understanding sensation, but your form will be poor.

3. Read non-fiction and fiction books. Knowledge is important and creativity is essential.

4. Work on yourself. Be someone to whom you would want to submit. Personal hygiene, good health, strong character and interesting personality always improve your self-esteem and presence.

That's all I can think of without involving RL scenarios. Hope this is useful.

Thank you for the thoughtful answers.

I found especially the parts that I emphasized with bold very helpful and consider them things that I can indeed work on even in my present situation.

Watching others play live and practicing on dead hogs is beyond my possibilities and comfort zone at the moment but I think I understand the idea behind those suggestions and the value of the "next best thing to a hands-on experience" they might provide.

I would like to add that I was very happy when stumbling upon this thread. It often seems like for a submissive to learn and grow into their role a Dominant mentor would be a quite natural and fitting choice to help them start out on their journey. Training and opportunities to learn for someone with Dominant inclinations seems a more tricky undertaking. I take the responsibility that comes with any relationship very seriously which makes it wrong in my sight to get involved with a submissive before feeling ready for it. Everyone has to start out somewhere tough, so I suspect I may yet ask a question or two along the way if that is alright.

 

[Lamont Cranston]

Because I like it...

Bump... Because this is such a good thread and someone seems to be in a very bad mood today...

 

[LadyAria]

Bump... Because this is such a good thread and someone seems to be in a very bad mood today...

 

[LadyAria]

Hot Lunch

I have no where else to put it.

However, I enjoyed it and wanted to share.