Ask a Dom

[DVS]

I have always been interested in BDSM, how did you become a dom.

"POOF" you become a Dom.

You don't just become a Dom, just as you don't just become a submissive. You have to feel it, inside you. Some people can switch roles, being either Dom or sub, but most are just one or the other.

Well, that's a misleading statement. I think there are a lot of Doms that have some submissive in them, but it will never actually come out. They have to have some submissive in them, to understand the submissive's mind. At least that's how I feel about it.

To get into the submissive's mind and control her, you have to have a sense of what she's thinking or feeling at any given time. Some say to be a true Dom, you must first be a submissive. Actually living the part, being submissive to someone else is said to give you the necessary understanding to then dominate someone. You know how it feels.

Just like any conversation you might have with someone. If they have experienced what you're feeling, they can relate. If they've lost someone they've loved, they know how it feels and can emphasize and console you when you've lost someone. Because they've lived it...walked in your shoes, they are thought to have a better understanding than someone who hasn't.

Now, I understand the premise, but I don't think it's necessary. I'm sure it works, but I've never been a submissive and I feel I do a pretty good job of being a Dom...if I do say so, myself. Of course, just like many things, you would have to ask someone I've dominated that question, to see if they agree.

I don't think you can just create a Dom, any more than you can just create a submissive. It's like being gay. You either are, or you aren't. Well, I don't know if it's exactly like being gay, because I can't say you are born a Dom. I think you must have the necessary genes or whatever, but I also think something in your childhood must trigger things, too.

This goes back to what I said before, that you must feel it. You must want it, to be a good Dom. Sure, it's easy to pick up a flogger and start swinging it around, but if you're good at being a Dom, you have a style about you...something that radiates from you. A good Dom won't even have to pick up the flogger to get your attention. He has that certain something that a submissive is drawn to...she wants to submit to him.

It's the same with the submissive. Sure, you can be tied down and whipped, even if you aren't submissive. But, a true submissive will hunger for it...even ask for it. And, a good submissive can even read the Dom and give him what he wants, too.

It's a perfect relationship, the Dom and sub. The give and take, the desire in one to please and the desire in the other to control. The relationship is special when the Dom knows what to do to bring the submissiveness out of someone. If she's bound and totally in his control, he can take his time and draw out her desires, like bringing water to a boil. His patience and finesse can turn her into an animal in heat...so nothing matters to her except pleasing him, or allowing him to totally use her, for his pleasure.

But, to answer the questions of how do you become a Dom? I've known I'm dominant, sexually, for most of my life. I spanked my first naked female ass at the age of 12. She was 10. Not knowing why we enjoyed it, we just experimented together. But, as the years went by, I found the answers to why I enjoyed it.

If you enjoy it, that's the first step. But, if you want to control someone, because you think it might be a quick way to get a woman in the sack, that's not being a Dom. And, an experienced submissive will be able to tell. Abuse has no place in BDSM. It's all consensual.

But, if you feel it inside you, how you go about it, is up to you. You will need experience. Maybe find an experienced submissive to guide you. Maybe you could join a munch group in your area. Learn from others, by watching, and letting your dominant instincts slowly mature.

Develop your own style. It's a part of you. It's you expressing your inner sexual desires. You must learn to control your own tendencies for satisfaction, and bring out the submissive desires of your submissive. A calm demeanor with a strong will is what I like to express. Other Doms aren't like that, and that's OK. Not all submissives will enjoy my style.

Know what you feel inside. Understand what you want. Learn the basics from others, by watching and experiencing. Develop your own style that's right for you. After that, practice makes perfect.

Are you bored, yet?

 

[kayte]

"POOF" you become a Dom.

You don't just become a Dom, just as you don't just become a submissive. You have to feel it, inside you. Some people can switch roles, being either Dom or sub, but most are just one or the other.

Well, that's a misleading statement. I think there are a lot of Doms that have some submissive in them, but it will never actually come out. They have to have some submissive in them, to understand the submissive's mind. At least that's how I feel about it.

To get into the submissive's mind and control her, you have to have a sense of what she's thinking or feeling at any given time. Some say to be a true Dom, you must first be a submissive. Actually living the part, being submissive to someone else is said to give you the necessary understanding to then dominate someone. You know how it feels.

Just like any conversation you might have with someone. If they have experienced what you're feeling, they can relate. If they've lost someone they've loved, they know how it feels and can emphasize and console you when you've lost someone. Because they've lived it...walked in your shoes, they are thought to have a better understanding than someone who hasn't.

Now, I understand the premise, but I don't think it's necessary. I'm sure it works, but I've never been a submissive and I feel I do a pretty good job of being a Dom...if I do say so, myself. Of course, just like many things, you would have to ask someone I've dominated that question, to see if they agree.

I don't think you can just create a Dom, any more than you can just create a submissive. It's like being gay. You either are, or you aren't. Well, I don't know if it's exactly like being gay, because I can't say you are born a Dom. I think you must have the necessary genes or whatever, but I also think something in your childhood must trigger things, too.

This goes back to what I said before, that you must feel it. You must want it, to be a good Dom. Sure, it's easy to pick up a flogger and start swinging it around, but if you're good at being a Dom, you have a style about you...something that radiates from you. A good Dom won't even have to pick up the flogger to get your attention. He has that certain something that a submissive is drawn to...she wants to submit to him.

It's the same with the submissive. Sure, you can be tied down and whipped, even if you aren't submissive. But, a true submissive will hunger for it...even ask for it. And, a good submissive can even read the Dom and give him what he wants, too.

It's a perfect relationship, the Dom and sub. The give and take, the desire in one to please and the desire in the other to control. The relationship is special when the Dom knows what to do to bring the submissiveness out of someone. If she's bound and totally in his control, he can take his time and draw out her desires, like bringing water to a boil. His patience and finesse can turn her into an animal in heat...so nothing matters to her except pleasing him, or allowing him to totally use her, for his pleasure.

But, to answer the questions of how do you become a Dom? I've known I'm dominant, sexually, for most of my life. I spanked my first naked female ass at the age of 12. She was 10. Not knowing why we enjoyed it, we just experimented together. But, as the years went by, I found the answers to why I enjoyed it.

If you enjoy it, that's the first step. But, if you want to control someone, because you think it might be a quick way to get a woman in the sack, that's not being a Dom. And, an experienced submissive will be able to tell. Abuse has no place in BDSM. It's all consensual.

But, if you feel it inside you, how you go about it, is up to you. You will need experience. Maybe find an experienced submissive to guide you. Maybe you could join a munch group in your area. Learn from others, by watching, and letting your dominant instincts slowly mature.

Develop your own style. It's a part of you. It's you expressing your inner sexual desires. You must learn to control your own tendencies for satisfaction, and bring out the submissive desires of your submissive. A calm demeanor with a strong will is what I like to express. Other Doms aren't like that, and that's OK. Not all submissives will enjoy my style.

Know what you feel inside. Understand what you want. Learn the basics from others, by watching and experiencing. Develop your own style that's right for you. After that, practice makes perfect.

Are you bored, yet?

Good afternoon DVS ~ One can't get bored listening to you. I just wanted to add to your quite well done post. WHAT HE SAID.

Hope all is going well with you.

 

[DVS]

Good afternoon DVS ~ One can't get bored listening to you. I just wanted to add to your quite well done post. WHAT HE SAID.

Hope all is going well with you.

I guess we see eye to eye on this Dom/sub thing then? And, as for everything going well for me...it would all be a lot better, if I had a submissive to express my "style" on. I'm currently between subs. Now, if you were to relocate...

 

[jedihibbler]

I am a new Dom, so please forgive me for anything that seems immature or a "given."

perhaps I should list some quick details first:she is five years older than me (I am 18) and in a relationship with a vanilla boyfriend; we have only been able to sneak off to fool around a few times, so I know that this is not quite a full D/s relationsip; before this, I was very submissive but had never done an

I have just started(see 3 months and 4 sessions) experimenting in BDSM with a friend after knowing that she had been interested in the lifestyle for a while. It started out as just vanilla the first two times we expirmented, but it quickly turned D/s when we got far to drunk and I was viewed as the protecting evil guy while she was whacked out while taking a cold shower. It seemed otherworldly as the words coming out of my mouth didn't seem to be mine, but it was an amazing power rush.

Since then we have done nothing but BDSM play during sex(I use this term loosely as we have only had vaginal intercourse once). This has only been during sex though and not all the time that we are alone. I have recently asked her to be mine fully when we are alone and gave her the option to say no and back out. Here is where my questions start.

She is conflicted about this issue. She wants this, but she does not want to keep lying to the other people she loves. She has said that it has boiled down to wanting someone else(me) to decide for her or to command her to decide.

Should I tell her that she is going to do this as I know that she will enjoy it, or should I tell her to decide? My Dom(horny) voice says to tell her to do it. My new Dom(insecurity) voice tells me to have her decide.

If she says yes, what should I do for beginning activities? I know that this will largely depend on how far we want to go, and I can say that nothing is too extreme. Our list of activities up to this point is as followsral,anal fingering(two fingers tops so far),intercourse, rape(this was very realistic as she did not expect it), spanking, and some pain play(hard squeezing of nipples)

Thanks for the help.

 

[LadyAria]

I am a new Dom, so please forgive me for anything that seems immature or a "given."

perhaps I should list some quick details first:she is five years older than me (I am 18) and in a relationship with a vanilla boyfriend; we have only been able to sneak off to fool around a few times, so I know that this is not quite a full D/s relationsip; before this, I was very submissive but had never done an

I have just started(see 3 months and 4 sessions) experimenting in BDSM with a friend after knowing that she had been interested in the lifestyle for a while. It started out as just vanilla the first two times we expirmented, but it quickly turned D/s when we got far to drunk and I was viewed as the protecting evil guy while she was whacked out while taking a cold shower. It seemed otherworldly as the words coming out of my mouth didn't seem to be mine, but it was an amazing power rush.

Since then we have done nothing but BDSM play during sex(I use this term loosely as we have only had vaginal intercourse once). This has only been during sex though and not all the time that we are alone. I have recently asked her to be mine fully when we are alone and gave her the option to say no and back out. Here is where my questions start.

She is conflicted about this issue. She wants this, but she does not want to keep lying to the other people she loves. She has said that it has boiled down to wanting someone else(me) to decide for her or to command her to decide.

Should I tell her that she is going to do this as I know that she will enjoy it, or should I tell her to decide? My Dom(horny) voice says to tell her to do it. My new Dom(insecurity) voice tells me to have her decide.

If she says yes, what should I do for beginning activities? I know that this will largely depend on how far we want to go, and I can say that nothing is too extreme. Our list of activities up to this point is as followsral,anal fingering(two fingers tops so far),intercourse, rape(this was very realistic as she did not expect it), spanking, and some pain play(hard squeezing of nipples)

Thanks for the help.

For legal reasons, you need to get her consent and do not get it under duress. She needs to make the decision for herself to submit. The "gift" is hers to give and not yours to demand. Especially dealing with someone who is inexperienced, you do not want to find yourself in jail for rape and assault when or if she changes your mind. I would not suggest the slave contract either because it has legal precedence of just making matters worse for the Dominant. It is better just for her to state she is in the relationship consensual in front of some neutral parties.

Where to begin, that is a personal decision the two of you need to make together. Learn her boundaries and play within until you can comfortably begin coaching and shaping her into new areas. I go for the strip down and purge before I begin to rebulid. The check lists in this thread and in other places on the board are a good starting point for a discussion on where you want to take things. I'll not annoy people by going into different types of BDSM or the the formal houses stuff. I have gotten struck down before for using labels etc. However, I found the information useful when I was starting out to help find my preference and Domina style.

A recommendation is find a mentor in the community to help you along your way, go to munches with her or read a lot of non-fiction books by respectable authors. Taking classes on bondage and alternative sex when the opportunity in your area arrives is a good idea too. Check out your alternative lifestyle magazines and the local gay & lesbian community center that (in larger cities) will have subset information.

Finally, explore the idea of are we just really into rough sex or do we want a D/s relationship? Rough sex is just kinky fun between consenting adult. D/s is a committed lifestye with a responsiblity to how you break down your sub and remake her/him in your image of an ideal sexual object. Of course, this is only my opinion on the process, but I see a very clear difference between the two. A goal (often many goals) are in mind with D/s where rough sex is just sex with no other purpose then orgasm.

 

[LadyAria]

I have always been interested in BDSM, how did you become a dom.

I like what DVS says as always because he is a genius However, I have a little different take on it.

I do believe sexuality is fluid. I've been a submissive (to women only) and I've been Dominant (to both sexes). Neither one is a greater or more fulfilling role in general, but Dominance is my specific preference currently. It has been for many years now. I might add I've always been a Sadomasochist that is an unchanging part of my personality.

Look into it. Read about it. Go to munches. Talk to people. Figure out if it is a fit. It isn't a permant choice. You can change your mind at anytime. Just remember to always play responsibly.

 

[DVS]

I like what DVS says as always because he is a genius However, I have a little different take on it.

I do believe sexuality is fluid. I've been a submissive (to women only) and I've been Dominant (to both sexes). Neither one is a greater or more fulfilling role in general, but Dominance is my specific preference currently. It has been for many years now. I might add I've always been a Sadomasochist that is an unchanging part of my personality.

Look into it. Read about it. Go to munches. Talk to people. Figure out if it is a fit. It isn't a permant choice. You can change your mind at anytime. Just remember to always play responsibly.

What? How dare you disagree with me! Well, actually, you aren't. I agree with you that your sexuality could be fluid, but it could also be a linear journey with a singular purpose. And, it could be anything in-between the two, also.

Everybody is different, so as they say, "your mileage may vary". What you like today, might change completely, after you experiment for a while. Like LadyAria says, don't think your first choice is one you must stick with. Although that is exactly what I did, it doesn't mean everybody will be that way.

And, I knew my choice at a very early age. That isn't always the way it works, either. Many don't find out about their more kinky side until well into adulthood. And, sometimes it takes a little spark from someone who's already experienced a little to help ignite your more kinky desires.

That's part of why experimentation is necessary. You need to find out who you are, and what your choices are. Those of us that have been there can only tell you how it was for us. We can't begin to tell you how it will be for you. But, at least we can give you a place to start.



genius?

 

[LadyAria]

What? How dare you disagree with me! Well, actually, you aren't. I agree with you that your sexuality could be fluid, but it could also be a linear journey with a singular purpose. And, it could be anything in-between the two, also.

Everybody is different, so as they say, "your mileage may vary". What you like today, might change completely, after you experiment for a while. Like LadyAria says, don't think your first choice is one you must stick with. Although that is exactly what I did, it doesn't mean everybody will be that way.

And, I knew my choice at a very early age. That isn't always the way it works, either. Many don't find out about their more kinky side until well into adulthood. And, sometimes it takes a little spark from someone who's already experienced a little to help ignite your more kinky desires.

That's part of why experimentation is necessary. You need to find out who you are, and what your choices are. Those of us that have been there can only tell you how it was for us. We can't begin to tell you how it will be for you. But, at least we can give you a place to start.



genius?

 

[DVS]

I am a new Dom, so please forgive me for anything that seems immature or a "given."

perhaps I should list some quick details first:she is five years older than me (I am 18) and in a relationship with a vanilla boyfriend; we have only been able to sneak off to fool around a few times, so I know that this is not quite a full D/s relationsip; before this, I was very submissive but had never done an

I have just started(see 3 months and 4 sessions) experimenting in BDSM with a friend after knowing that she had been interested in the lifestyle for a while. It started out as just vanilla the first two times we expirmented, but it quickly turned D/s when we got far to drunk and I was viewed as the protecting evil guy while she was whacked out while taking a cold shower. It seemed otherworldly as the words coming out of my mouth didn't seem to be mine, but it was an amazing power rush.

Since then we have done nothing but BDSM play during sex(I use this term loosely as we have only had vaginal intercourse once). This has only been during sex though and not all the time that we are alone. I have recently asked her to be mine fully when we are alone and gave her the option to say no and back out. Here is where my questions start.

She is conflicted about this issue. She wants this, but she does not want to keep lying to the other people she loves. She has said that it has boiled down to wanting someone else(me) to decide for her or to command her to decide.

Should I tell her that she is going to do this as I know that she will enjoy it, or should I tell her to decide? My Dom(horny) voice says to tell her to do it. My new Dom(insecurity) voice tells me to have her decide.

It must be her decision and her choice, whatever she does. Her asking you to tell her what to do is probably her way of finding out if you really want her or not. She might think your time together is just extra fun that the two of you enjoy on the side. Maybe she needs to know exactly how you feel, before she hurts someone else in her life with what she decides.

But, you can NOT decide for her. Sure, you can express your desires. And, you should be fair to her when expressing those desires. If you want her forever and ever, tell her so. But, if it is just something new and interesting for you, you need to tall her that, too.

If you need more time to understand how you feel, tell her so. All of this new sexual power you have can sometimes cloud your rational thinking power. Don't be selfish, just to have it continue. She has a choice to make, and it's your position to tell her how you feel about her, so she can make that choice.

Be fair and honest to you and to her. Speak from your heart about your desires for her and hope she makes the right choice. But, it isn't your position to choose for her. Only she can decide.

If she says yes, what should I do for beginning activities? I know that this will largely depend on how far we want to go, and I can say that nothing is too extreme. Our list of activities up to this point is as followsral,anal fingering(two fingers tops so far),intercourse, rape(this was very realistic as she did not expect it), spanking, and some pain play(hard squeezing of nipples)Thanks for the help.

If she says yes, whatever you do must be decided together. If she says yes, you are then a couple. What happens within your relationship affects both of you, so both of you should have a say in what happens.

Each of you will have sexual needs and desires. You should sit down and decide what you both want out of the relationship. You might decide that what you have been doing is fine, and you continue "business as usual". But, it's also possible she will want something more, or she might even want less of something.

And, she could be shy about what she wants, too. Although that shyness can be cute and sexy, she needs to somehow let you know what she wants to happen. Not everybody likes the same things. The rape scenario, for instance...she might not enjoy it, and is only allowing it to continue because she thinks you want it. But, it is possible that she enjoys it, too. But, that is something you need to find out, because it can sometimes go too far, for some people.

Limits...she must let you know what her limits are. There are soft limits and hard limits. Soft limits are things she is unsure about, but there could be a time when she might be tempted to try it. But, because she's never tried it, she's unsure and cautious about it.

A hard limit is something she will never want to happen. And, by never, I mean you will never force her to try it, nor will you ever tease her about it. Because if it's a desire of yours, and a hard limit of hers, that can cause a problem in the relationship. You need to respect what she can't tolerate and leave it at that.

Soft limits are small things. The newer you are to BDSM, the more soft limits there could be. I can't even give you an example of what a soft limit for her could be, because I don't know her. But, if she understands what the term "soft limit" means, she can decide those for herself.

It is possible to mention what some hard limits could be, because many people share hard limits. And, because BDSM is such a varied area, someone's hard limits can be someone else's favorite thing, so understand what the term "hard limit" means and respect it.

Golden showers could be a hard limit for her. Scat could be a hard limit for her. For most people, anything involving children or animals is a hard limit. She might enjoy mild to moderate pain, but extreme pain could be a hard limit. Certain implements of pain could be a hard limit. Wearing a gag could be a hard limit. Being bound a certain way, or for a length of time could be a hard limit.

Most of these hard limits could also be soft limits for her, but like I said, not knowing her, I can't say how she feels. It's easier to assume a hard limit, when you are on the outside looking in.

Go slow, and experiment. Actually, unless you both decide a change is necessary, nothing you are doing needs to change. Be sure you communicate and learn what each of you enjoys and doesn't enjoy. You both need to know what to expect from each other.

Be careful, when trying new things. BDSM can be fun, but there are parts of it that can be dangerous, too. Don't let your desires for sexual satisfaction cloud your common senses. You are the Dom. You are the one who is in charge of watching to be sure she is OK. Develop a communication system for when you play. A safe word she can use that tells you to STOP what you're doing.

And, if she uses that safe word, you must stop. Don't say, "oh, just a little more, baby, that's all I need" or some other stupid and selfish comment, to get her to continue. If she uses that safe word, the only thing you can do is stop. It's her responsibility to tell you something is wrong by using that word, and it's then your responsibility to do as she asks.

There is nothing better than to develop a trust between two people. This trust allows more and more confidence in the relationship and the deeper that trust builds, the more things she will allow you to try. She will allow this because she trusts you. But, break that trust just one time, and you could ruin it for you, forever. If you break a trust with someone, it's very difficult to rebuild it, because that scar is there forever. It never completely heals. Don't break the trust between you. You'll be happier and the sex will be amazing.

Shit, I could go on and on with this, but part of the fun is experimenting. If I told you everything, what would you experiment with? I hope she makes the right choice. After that, what happens should be handled in an adult way.

 

[JustHoney]

edited

 

[LadyAria]

Take this offline, now.

 

[Stegral]

I have an honest question, but a bit of history first.
I am still very new to this but if I had to PYL/pyl it would be:
"Switch, that prefers to bottom"
The first person I discussed BDSM with I really connected with about a year ago "Top's" me.
We spent a lot of time in negotiations, understanding each others needs .
He has no desire to "collar" me, but would rather feed my need when he is about.
(He is military & is away often )
My Question would be:
How can I get over the self inflicted loyalty I feel for Him?

I want to find someone that is there for my alot more (yes I am selfish), but find I don't trust people as quickly as they want me to. I have to wonder sometimes if I am I condemning my chances unknowingly or am if I am just too damn picky?

Help???

 

[LadyAria]

I have an honest question, but a bit of history first.
I am still very new to this but if I had to PYL/pyl it would be:
"Switch, that prefers to bottom"
The first person I discussed BDSM with I really connected with about a year ago "Top's" me.
We spent a lot of time in negotiations, understanding each others needs .
He has no desire to "collar" me, but would rather feed my need when he is about.
(He is military & is away often )
My Question would be:
How can I get over the self inflicted loyalty I feel for Him?

I want to find someone that is there for my alot more (yes I am selfish), but find I don't trust people as quickly as they want me to. I have to wonder sometimes if I am I condemning my chances unknowingly or am if I am just too damn picky?

Help???

The loyalty is there because he mets a need you have that is hard to fill. It is natural. However, to explore more personally fulfilling relationships is not cheating. You need to remind yourself.

Open the doors to be loved by another. Get out there and see if anyone catches your eye. However, you are right not to trust too quickly. There are predators and losers that use BDSM as a cover for more nefarious intentions. Trust yourself and you'll know when to trust another. I, personally, feel you can never be too picky in picking a PYL.

It's better to take your time then waste it in a bad relationship.

When you find the right person, your focus (and loyalty) will shift to them.

Goodluck.

You going to munches or looking online? Have you mapped out the qualities you can live with and those you can't live without? What is it about your solider boy that "flips your switch"?

 

[Stegral]

You going to munches or looking online? Have you mapped out the qualities you can live with and those you can't live without? What is it about your solider boy that "flips your switch"?

Thank you
Yes I am going to munches & chatting on line...in here & on ALT..
He brought me to the group I am in so I could feel safe & ask questions if He wasn't about. Yes I have mapped out my needs & wants... As for how he "flips my switch" I can't explain... he seems to know what "toy" to use for just how long & switch to another just perfectly & so on... He knows/remembers what my hard limits were & what was "negotiable" & has been adding those negotiables in small steps over time.
we go with the traffic light system for safewords & communication during play as it is sooo easy...
Green is keep going, it feels soooo good.
Yellow is be careful, something is uncomfy...
Red is STOP now, something is wrong.
in the year we have been playing I have used yellow once & red NEVER.
I am just scared no one will compare to him, that I set the bar too high...
I am scared I won't see the other oppourtunities, even right in my face ones...

 

[LadyAria]

Thank you
Yes I am going to munches & chatting on line...in here & on ALT..
He brought me to the group I am in so I could feel safe & ask questions if He wasn't about. Yes I have mapped out my needs & wants... As for how he "flips my switch" I can't explain... he seems to know what "toy" to use for just how long & switch to another just perfectly & so on... He knows/remembers what my hard limits were & what was "negotiable" & has been adding those negotiables in small steps over time.
we go with the traffic light system for safewords & communication during play as it is sooo easy...
Green is keep going, it feels soooo good.
Yellow is be careful, something is uncomfy...
Red is STOP now, something is wrong.
in the year we have been playing I have used yellow once & red NEVER.
I am just scared no one will compare to him, that I set the bar too high...
I am scared I won't see the other oppourtunities, even right in my face ones...

Why doesn't he want a long term relationship with you if you two are so well matched?

 

[Stegral]

Why doesn't he want a long term relationship with you if you two are so well matched?

He is known in the group we are in as free range Dom/Top so to speak...
He has never collared anyone in the past that anyone knows of.
He has a girlfriend now that He loves very much I understand.
She knows what he does & as long as there is no sex she is fine...
She is just starting into the BDSM & I may lose him anyway as He progresses further with her.

I would have been proud to wear His collar but He is very diverse.
Alot of what He enjoys I don't like & some even scares me.
As much as I wanted that collar I understand why He didn't & I respect it.
I am just glad He opened those doors for me to understand better what I am, what I can be & how to get what I need & deserve.
As jealous as I am of her,I know he would have never been fufilled with me.

now to try & wean myself off Him so I can remove the self inflicted loyality...

 

[LadyAria]

He is known in the group we are in as free range Dom/Top so to speak...
He has never collared anyone in the past that anyone knows of.
He has a girlfriend now that He loves very much I understand.
She knows what he does & as long as there is no sex she is fine...
She is just starting into the BDSM & I may lose him anyway as He progresses further with her.

I would have been proud to wear His collar but He is very diverse.
Alot of what He enjoys I don't like & some even scares me.
As much as I wanted that collar I understand why He didn't & I respect it.
I am just glad He opened those doors for me to understand better what I am, what I can be & how to get what I need & deserve.
As jealous as I am of her,I know he would have never been fufilled with me.

now to try & wean myself off Him so I can remove the self inflicted loyality...

I see better now.

You are doing the right thing. Cutting all play off and distancing yourself would go a long way. The fact your circle is his circle might cause some stickiness. Have you considered finding another group at some point in the future? Just for a while. The girlfriend thing just sounds like a lot for a pyl who is so fulfilled by her PYL to watch.

I'm speaking from my point of view. I very much have this pissing contest, my property, view of all my lovers that ever come into my care. It is one of the last things to go for me, I fear. The first few times I've seen my little gifts in the care of another I get that little throat tightening that goes with jealousy. It doesn't matter if I ended the relationship or not. This could be the case with your Friend as well. The flirt that comes with that "my toy" may be a dangerous thing to a new relationship if you are still traveling in that circle.

Playing with someone else may help, but there is a chance it will make you miss him more at first. An experience Dominant should be able to find your vibe and follow it after a good conversations or two. It's just hard to find a good one I fear.

BDSM really goes to the next level when you can and do have sex.

Since you are so aware of not missing opportunities, you should be fine. Just keep that in your sights.

Time will make it pass.

 

[Stegral]

An experience Dominant should be able to find your vibe and follow it after a good conversations or two. It's just hard to find a good one I fear.

BDSM really goes to the next level when you can and do have sex.

Since you are so aware of not missing opportunities, you should be fine. Just keep that in your sights.

Time will make it pass.

Thanks... I do appreciate it.
I really needed to hear it from someones who's advice to others had already hit a chord with me...

Awesome thread

 

[LadyAria]

Thanks... I do appreciate it.
I really needed to hear it from someones who's advice to others had already hit a chord with me...

Awesome thread

Thank you

I really do wish you the best of luck.

 

[intothewoods]

bumpity bump...

I have a question for the Dom/mmes out there...I am in, shall we say, a transition period and not looking for a relationship right now. I've been lucky enough to be able to play with a few really experienced Tops, and that's been great. I also have sort of a regular Top, who's less experienced, but learning and really great.

So this regular guy is really cool and a good friend, so that kind of makes it a nice situation for me. But he's not as experienced with spanking and bondage as the others I've played with. Ok, I'm a little greedy - as he gets better at his game, he benefits, and I benefit. So is there anything I can point him to, or should we just keep practicing?

He's a bit wary of going to parties and the like, though he would observe in a private kind of setting - so we've floated that idea. I looked at some of the links in the library, but I didn't find anything exactly right to pass on to him.

I've been open with him about this, but I don't want to hurt his feelings and I also wonder if I should just shut up and enjoy the ride. I do tell him what I like, but sometimes it's hard to explain why a particular type of spanking feels better than another! And again, I also wonder if I shouldn't try to micromanage the situation.

I hope this rambling made some sense. I guess I have two questions: (1) can a PYL improve his technique by (a) observing others and/or (b) reading something on the subject? and (2) should a pyl make suggestions, or is that micromanaging or Topping from the bottom?

 

[Chris_Xavier]

It makes sense...

If he is comfortable with watching, then I say go that route. If not and you can continue to enjoy and teach him without him feeling emasculated, then go for it.

 

[LadyAria]

bumpity bump...

I have a question for the Dom/mmes out there...I am in, shall we say, a transition period and not looking for a relationship right now. I've been lucky enough to be able to play with a few really experienced Tops, and that's been great. I also have sort of a regular Top, who's less experienced, but learning and really great.

So this regular guy is really cool and a good friend, so that kind of makes it a nice situation for me. But he's not as experienced with spanking and bondage as the others I've played with. Ok, I'm a little greedy - as he gets better at his game, he benefits, and I benefit. So is there anything I can point him to, or should we just keep practicing?

He's a bit wary of going to parties and the like, though he would observe in a private kind of setting - so we've floated that idea. I looked at some of the links in the library, but I didn't find anything exactly right to pass on to him.

I've been open with him about this, but I don't want to hurt his feelings and I also wonder if I should just shut up and enjoy the ride. I do tell him what I like, but sometimes it's hard to explain why a particular type of spanking feels better than another! And again, I also wonder if I shouldn't try to micromanage the situation.

I hope this rambling made some sense. I guess I have two questions: (1) can a PYL improve his technique by (a) observing others and/or (b) reading something on the subject? and (2) should a pyl make suggestions, or is that micromanaging or Topping from the bottom?

It is all a matter of opinion. While I do believe somethings come natural, I am a firm believer in continuing education regardless of the subject matter.

If he is just starting out in the world, a good book to read would be The Loving Dominant by John Warren. Also, I am a big fan of Jay Wiseman's books. He's written a good toy guide, SM 101, tricks to please a man/woman. He has a guide to making good sex better, but I found it kind of boring since most of it you can figure out on your own. (It's more for vanilla's IMO). You may pick and chose what you think would be good for your friend. If he isn't your "PYL" and just a play partner, then I wouldn't think he should be offended. Just gift them to him.

Observation is an excellent way to learn. I am a fan of private parties with 2-3 couples I trust. They are all friends who don't take their roles "too" serious. Watching how others interact with each other and the non-verbal signs can be very enlightening. Also, other PYL's can help with proper toy use, knot technique and just creative use of everyday objects. I know my priorities as a Domina are different then my friends. It is interesting just to see where everyone's emphasis lies.

If he's not into that kind of exposure, then maybe just one more person would be enough. Doing scenes in front of an audience can be a stretch for the introvert or someone new to their role. If you are open to the idea, maybe just invite another PYL to tag team with him on you.

Conferences with classes are very good for learning and social networking.

Finally, open your mind to other groups in the BDSM. I'm not a gay man, but I've learned things for some of the leather daddies I have met. The lesbian PYL can give great tips to a man too. Gender and sexual preference should not limit your resources. Everyone has value contributions. Some of the better books I've read have been geared to the male homosexual audience.

 

[intothewoods]

Thanks, Lady Aria. That's very helpful. I'll get him the book. Having a party with a small group is an interesting idea. I might be able to work that out.

I've played a bit with a particular girl, also, who I might be able to convince to come over and show him a thing or two. That way there won't be any macho head butting, lol.

 

[LadyAria]

Thanks, Lady Aria. That's very helpful. I'll get him the book. Having a party with a small group is an interesting idea. I might be able to work that out.

I've played a bit with a particular girl, also, who I might be able to convince to come over and show him a thing or two. That way there won't be any macho head butting, lol.

You're welcome. Glad I can be helpful.

Speaking of egos, you may wanted to have pre-meeting to discuss. Two PYLs of any gender can be *cough* territorial. Make sure everyone understands the ground rules up front and no one gets the "I'm the better PYL" attitude.



Have fun!

 

[intothewoods]

It makes sense...

If he is comfortable with watching, then I say go that route. If not and you can continue to enjoy and teach him without him feeling emasculated, then go for it.

Are you saying I seem like the type to make men feel emasculated?