Ask a Dom

[LadyAria]

I've been getting a lot of email asking me about the lifestyle since I started posting. I thought I would start a thread to consolidate the questions to one area to cut down on my copy and pasting. Also, I invite others to provide feedback. So, you want to know about anything...from light BDSM to running a pony stable. If I don't know the answers, I'm sure someone will.

 

[dramaqueen47]

I know that there is a thread on pussy pain, but is there more than just slapping the pussy with a belt or some other strap? Also, how do you do male genital torture?

 

[LadyAria]

I know that there is a thread on pussy pain, but is there more than just slapping the pussy with a belt or some other strap? Also, how do you do male genital torture?

Pussy Pain...let's see...you have your basic flog and spank. But, it appears you've hurt all you want on those two styles. Um, there is pinching and fisting.

I think you are looking for something more creative.

Ginger play works on male and female subs for pain play. It doesn't have the dangers of commerical potions and creams. Also, it is pretty cost effective.

Buy large hand of ginger WITH skin. (Keeps in the juice) Cut a finger of ginger from the hand. Unless the fingers are very long, do not cut the finger off at the joint of the hand. Remove the finger by cutting down into the palm of the hand so that you get a long, uniform width finger. Longer is better. Peel off all skin and be careful not to remove too much for ass and pussy play. Rinse with cold water to wash traces of peeled skin from root. It is ideal to carve a ring into the finger for the pussy or ass to clutch. It helps to keep it in place. Do not cut out too much. It will increase the chances for break off...no fun. You really don't need a very deep ring for retention. Do not use lubricant with ginger as it will prevent it from stinging/burning. Depending on sensitivy, it ranges from ben gay to a severe burn. It is a time limited burn of about twenty minutes. The nice thing about ginger is it is natural and no matter how intense the effect it is short-lived. The feeling is tenfold if the ginger juice comes in contact with the clit.

Cut a small coin like slice of ginger. Place directly onto the clit and hold it there.

Ginger is great as a CBT. Cut a julienne slice of peeled ginger. It should be approximately 1/4 inch wide by at least 2 inches long. Make sure it is smooth and rounded. Clean off skin and then, slowly insert it into the urethra of the cock. Make sure you leave enough sticking out to be able to remove it easily. Pain is immediate and more intense then in ass or pussy (more like clit application). It is generally too much for a new sub. Be very patient with the cock stick. The effect does wear off but most slaves don't last 20 minutes with the ginger stick.

Tip: If you want more sting, let the ginger hand get moldy skin before using. Remember you peel the mold off.

Let see...clamps are good for pussy and ball pain. I like acupunture needles for gential torture as it can be very beautiful too. As they develop in this area, you can move up to larger needles.

Wire wraps and insertions is good for cock pain. Clamps are really better for pussy stretching and contorting. Hot wax on both sexes and singing of the pubic hair with candle flame can be quite arousing if done with care. The smell has a psychological impact great for training.

Catheter play can be painful fun. But, I do NOT suggest this for the inexperienced. If you really want to do this, find a nurse or doctor in the lifestyle to help you you first time or two.

Please always require std test before you engage in any Dom/Sub activities. HIV can be spread in needle play and blood letting activities. Also, remember to boil your needles, clamps, catheters, tubing and whips for safety.

I think that is enough for now. Let me know if this helps.

 

[dramaqueen47]

It does help. Thanks.

 

[LadyAria]

It does help. Thanks.

Your welcome

 

[nusubgurl]

Ginger is great as a CBT. Cut a julienne slice of peeled ginger. It should be approximately 1/4 inch wide by at least 2 inches long. Make sure it is smooth and rounded. Clean off skin and then, slowly insert it into the urethra of the cock. Make sure you leave enough sticking out to be able to remove it easily. QUOTE]


Could you thead a piece of dental floss longways through the ginger stick to facilitate it's entire removal?? kinda like a tampon string??

 

[heckle]

Could you thead a piece of dental floss longways through the ginger stick to facilitate it's entire removal?? kinda like a tampon string??

You could do that but there may be a chance of it sliding through. It is best to keep some sticking out to use in removal. If you are doing any anal play with ginger and need some lube, use only water! Ginger will get slick and well, the water only helps it slide in but does not reduce any sensation. And for storing any unused ginger, store it in a paper bag inside your fridge. Play referring to using ginger (mostly analy) is referred to as figging.

 

[soapstar]

What are the reasons you decide to 'not' see someone again?

 

[LadyAria]

Ginger is great as a CBT. Cut a julienne slice of peeled ginger. It should be approximately 1/4 inch wide by at least 2 inches long. Make sure it is smooth and rounded. Clean off skin and then, slowly insert it into the urethra of the cock. Make sure you leave enough sticking out to be able to remove it easily. QUOTE]


Could you thead a piece of dental floss longways through the ginger stick to facilitate it's entire removal?? kinda like a tampon string??

No, it could weaken the piece of Ginger causing break off. It it safest to leave part of the ginger out to manually remove it.

 

[LadyAria]

What are the reasons you decide to 'not' see someone again?

Are you the sub or the Dom?

As a sub, you can chose not to further submit for any number of reasons:
1) The Dom has not respected your predetermined boundaries.
2) The Dom has become repeative in play and you are bored. (No longer being trained)
3) You have met a better Dom and want to further your training with that Mistress/Master.
4) You do not feel comfortable in the relationship.
5) You've decided you not longer want to be a sub.

the reasons can go on and on.

As a Dom, you can chose not to further train for any number of reasons.
1) The sub has met his/her limitations and you want further exploration.
2) You feel the sub has gone as far as he/she can under your hand.
3) The sub has become obessive in his/her attachment and has become a danger to himself/herself. (Many do not like to talk about this though I feel it occurs more then we like to speak of. Personally, I have dismissed a sub for attempting suicide. Unstable people should not be encouraged in the lifestyle.)
4) The sub is untrainable or not fully committed to the training.
5) You decided you no longer want to be a Dom.

the reasons can go on and on.

Tell me more about your situation and we can discuss why you no longer want to be in the relationship.

 

[LadyAria]

No new questions for a few days...

No little pervies out there?

 

[GisselleLandry]

I have been married for a little over a year now. I would like some advice on how to seriously broach the top of dom/sub with him. I don't want to scare him and I'm not sure how much he could handle. In some ways he straddles the fence between self assurance and lack of confidence. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

 

[heckle]

I have been married for a little over a year now. I would like some advice on how to seriously broach the top of dom/sub with him. I don't want to scare him and I'm not sure how much he could handle. In some ways he straddles the fence between self assurance and lack of confidence. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Do you "identify" as a top or bottom? What you can do to start easing into it is to try some "playful" slaps, spanks, etc in the bedroom. And use how he reacts as a gague to what to do next. Then you can take control in the bedroom and carry on from there. Once it starts getting accepted, talk about it your feelings.

 

[HawkEye38]

Do you "identify" as a top or bottom? What you can do to start easing into it is to try some "playful" slaps, spanks, etc in the bedroom. And use how he reacts as a gague to what to do next. Then you can take control in the bedroom and carry on from there. Once it starts getting accepted, talk about it your feelings.

Psst...

Methinks you are treading on the lady's territory... Hell hath no fury don'tcha know

 

[Etoile]

Psst...

Methinks you are treading on the lady's territory... Hell hath no fury don'tcha know

That's the problem with "This is where *I* will give *you* advice" threads...
I enjoy the diversity of experience shown on this board.

 

[LadyAria]

Do you "identify" as a top or bottom? What you can do to start easing into it is to try some "playful" slaps, spanks, etc in the bedroom. And use how he reacts as a gague to what to do next. Then you can take control in the bedroom and carry on from there. Once it starts getting accepted, talk about it your feelings.

I agree with Tom...my thoughts exactly...

Start slow with hints of wanting him to be rougher or you playing rougher...and bulid

 

[LadyAria]

That's the problem with "This is where *I* will give *you* advice" threads...
I enjoy the diversity of experience shown on this board.

No, not "I" and "you" here. I embrace everyone's opinion on the subject. When you stop discussing the lifestyle, you close your mind to the possiblities others can teach you whether a lifer or a newbie.

No Dom or sub is every done with their education or perfected the art. Though a lot will try to sell you that...especially the Dom(me)s. But isn't that why our subs love us...

 

[LadyAria]

*Bump*

 

[gregor2001us]

I was wondering if you have much experience with a sensation I have only experienced a little. I am a sub that lives for being teased and denied. On occassion my Domme has slowly stroked my penis. Not enough to let me progress toward climax. Just very slowly. It drives me crazy being held there. But she has only done it for less than a minute at a time.

It feels like I would go crazy if she did this for very long, yet the kinky side of me wants to have myself pushed harder. Have you played with this technique? How did the sub in a prolonged session?

gregor

 

[MzDeviancy]

Why do some people like being dominated by someone who's physically weaker than them? Doesn't it make more sense to submit to someone who you couldn't escape if you tried?
Is the sub/dom relationship always sexual, or is it more simply about power? And if it's more about power, why do so many subs refuse to submit to someone of the same sex?
And could someone please explain the psychology behind enjoyment of humiliation to me?

 

[heckle]

Psst...

Methinks you are treading on the lady's territory... Hell hath no fury don'tcha know

I do not think so. If LadyAria has a problem with others helping to share knowledge, I am sure that she will speak up. And if she does, I will respect that.

Apologies. It seems that Lady Aria has already spoken on this.

 

[heckle]

Why do some people like being dominated by someone who's physically weaker than them? Doesn't it make more sense to submit to someone who you couldn't escape if you tried?

It is not the fact of being dominated by someone smaller, it is the act of turning over that control in the first place. If the person really wanted to "escape", then they would (or atleast try). That is not what they are looking for. It is about being controlled or providing service.

Is the sub/dom relationship always sexual, or is it more simply about power? And if it's more about power, why do so many subs refuse to submit to someone of the same sex?

This is all relative on the relationship. Some relationships are all about the control. Some are all about the sex. The relationships that I have seen and the people I know, sex is not a large part of BDSM. I knwo that in my relationship, our BDSM is abotu service and not about sex. Sure, I could demand sex and it would not be a problem. But then it would be more of me treating her as an object instead of a prized posession.

And could someone please explain the psychology behind enjoyment of humiliation to me?

I will nto venture into this topic as I do not use humiliation in our lives or play. Perhaps someone else can post their feelings on this.

 

[gregor2001us]

MzDeviancy, excuse me for intervening, but you asked

"Why do some people like being dominated by someone who's physically weaker than them? Doesn't it make more sense to submit to someone who you couldn't escape if you tried?
Is the sub/dom relationship always sexual, or is it more simply about power? And if it's more about power, why do so many subs refuse to submit to someone of the same sex?
And could someone please explain the psychology behind enjoyment of humiliation to me?"

To me this sounds more like a question for a sub, so I thought I would provide you with my insight.

For me it is very much sexual in nature. In other words, I get my rocks off on having my sexual pleaure controled by a woman. It seems to have nothing to do with her being weaker in any way. But it is very much sexual in nature. How the power fits in I am not sure. Nor can I really explain the why of it.

All the variations, the pain, being tied up, being teased and denied, all seem to play off the core kink of having my sexual pleasure under the control of a woman. Humiliation is attractive because it would clearly demonstrate her control over me, but it in and of itself isn't a turn on if that is all there is. Same idea with me having sex with a guy (never did it by the way) if it is a part of her controling me, then it sounds hot, if it is just me hooking up with a guy, then not.

This is as far as I have been able to get with my understanding. I am sure there are many variations, and everyone has differences. Sometimes I think trying to understand the why is an excersize in frustration. Everyone is different. Hope I didn't intrude, and at least provided some insight from my warped perspective. Your mileage may vary.

 

[h_i_s]

That's the problem with "This is where *I* will give *you* advice" threads...
I enjoy the diversity of experience shown on this board.

Ditto.

 

[writerz01]

If I may

Hello Lady Aria,
This is quite a thread. Good questions with good answers. Unless I missed it along the way there is one subject I wanted to mention.
Whether your a Master/Mistress/ Dom/ Domme/submissive or slave we are all indidviduals. So each relationship is an indidvidual. What works for one may not work for another.
I like your answers because they leave an open end. Meaning? Your not saying this is the only way. That unfortuantly is heard from many so called experts. Every relationship should constantly evolve. As you stated I believe, we never stop learning. When you think you have, it's time to take a step back and think about life.
Enough of my interjecting into your thoughts. Keep up the good advice.