Asexual?

[Apollonia_K]

Ok, I'll start out by saying that I'm close to 40 years old because I know what I'm about to say here will make you think that a juvenile has invaded the board.

I met this guy who is divorced at school. We've been sitting next to each other for about 4 months. I really like him and ended up telling him that, last Friday night when a bunch of us were out together. At the time he said he liked me too. That night we kissed once, initiated by me. On the way home to drop me off he got very nervous and just started telling me all kinds of things. He told me he was asexual, that he had been sexually molested by some men when he was young and that about 5 years ago his best friend committed suicide. His best friend was gay and I think what he told me was that it was over a broken relationship (although I could be wrong about the reason, as my mind was clouded by some alcohol, but I don't think so).

Anyway we were off school for a week during which time we talked on the phone a few times although we didn't mention what was said between us. Today we went back to school and had a talk during lunch that was like pulling teeth on my part. I told him I had read a lot on the internet about the term asexual and that he needed to give me specifics about himself since everything I found was so varied. He told me that having sex for him was like bringing back all the terrible things that happened to him throughout his life. I told him that I was confused since he had in fact been married before. While he really didn't reply to that, he did tell me that he had felt for about the past 5 years that he would never have another relationship. That's when it hit me. I asked him if the friend he had told me about that committed suicide had been more than just a friend to him. He told me that for a period of time that was the case.

At this point I have no idea what to think. I don't know if he is truly gay or if because of the abuse he thought he was, or at least experimented with the idea. I'm thinking maybe it was him who broke it off with the guy and he feels guilty about the suicide. And if he's attracted to men, why would he have been acting towards me the way he has been, even telling me that he liked me.

I need answers but I just can't put him through a conversation like that again. I could tell it was terrible and brought back a lot of painful memories. I guess what I want to know is if it's possible to have any kind of normal relationship with someone who says their asexual, especially with the other things that go along with it. Does anyone here have any experience with someone who is asexual?

I know most people will probably say to run fast the other way. The thing is that he is the sweetest, kindest, most thoughtful man I've ever met and I'm not ready to throw the towel in yet.

Thanks

 

[kirkat]

It definately seems like he has some issues to work through.... and despite your current interest, I would think it best to walk away from it. I really don't think he is going to end up being the partner that you are seeking.

a lot of statement based on the few words you have written, but thats my gut feeling.

 

[only_more_so]

It sounds more like he is anti-sexual than asexual. From your posting, it sounds like he desires sex (whether straight or gay it is unclear) but feels guilty having sex and probably even desiring sex. It sounds like he needs mental counseling.

One thing you have to decide is whether any of your desire for him is a sort of pity, as opposed to genuine desire for him as a person. It is often hard to sort the two out, and many people feel so bad about "abandoning" someone that they create or continue a relationship past when it is healthy for themselves.

If you want to keep associating with him, you shouldn't make it a romantic relationship. If you know you will fall for him if you keep up your association, take stock of your situation and realize the immense challenge this could bring your life.

 

[SweetErika]

I agree with o_m_s, he sounds more anti-sex than asexual (usually the lack of any sexual feelings/desire/pleasure).

Maybe he meant he liked you as a person, rather than in a sexual way? If not, there's no reason he couldn't be bi - gay and straight aren't the only orientations. Also, the fact that he was married, or even showing attraction to you, doesn't mean a thing about his orientation; plenty of people who have a strong or exclusive preference for the same sex get married for a variety of reasons. Perhaps he's trying to deny his feelings for men since his last relationship ended in so much pain (if it did), and go the opposite way, or at least appear straight to soothe his soul a little.

It sounds like he finds sex traumatic due to his abuse. With survivors, activities can very well turn into a re-enactment of the abuse/assault, so every time brings on the negative feelings and reactions. I've experienced that myself, and it was impossible to get out of without specialized therapy and a ton of hard work. I was also lucky enough to have a partner who could handle the suffering, but in all honesty, it could have (and almost did) just as easily broken us up. YEARS of major sexual problems and a LIFETIME of occasional reminders isn't easy for even the strongest couple to deal with, much less one trying to forge a relationship.

I would be his friend, a big supporter and good influence for him to get help and feel good, but not get romantically involved with someone who had severe emotional and sexual problems. That seems like it'd be setting myself up for failure and I'd worry about codependency. Do you have a history of that, or "rescuing" at all?

 

[Noor]

I would say he is probably bi. Losing a good friend because of something you did and/or something you were to them, hurts like hell, you NEVER want it to happen again and you keep wishing there was something you could have done differently, so I can understand why he would like to turn that part of himself off. His marriage might also be a factor in his anti sex stance.

I would back off sexually from him completely. Let him experiment on someone else, you do not want to deal with this, its too deep.
Be his friend if you wish, but he is not in a place to be a sexual partnerand it sounds like he is trying to tell you that LOUD and clear.

 

[M's girl]

I agree with o_m_s, he sounds more anti-sex than asexual (usually the lack of any sexual feelings/desire/pleasure).

Maybe he meant he liked you as a person, rather than in a sexual way? If not, there's no reason he couldn't be bi - gay and straight aren't the only orientations. Also, the fact that he was married, or even showing attraction to you, doesn't mean a thing about his orientation; plenty of people who have a strong or exclusive preference for the same sex get married for a variety of reasons. Perhaps he's trying to deny his feelings for men since his last relationship ended in so much pain (if it did), and go the opposite way, or at least appear straight to soothe his soul a little.

It sounds like he finds sex traumatic due to his abuse. With survivors, activities can very well turn into a re-enactment of the abuse/assault, so every time brings on the negative feelings and reactions. I've experienced that myself, and it was impossible to get out of without specialized therapy and a ton of hard work. I was also lucky enough to have a partner who could handle the suffering, but in all honesty, it could have (and almost did) just as easily broken us up. YEARS of major sexual problems and a LIFETIME of occasional reminders isn't easy for even the strongest couple to deal with, much less one trying to forge a relationship.

I would be his friend, a big supporter and good influence for him to get help and feel good, but not get romantically involved with someone who had severe emotional and sexual problems. That seems like it'd be setting myself up for failure and I'd worry about codependency. Do you have a history of that, or "rescuing" at all?

Well said!

 

[Apollonia_K]

It definately seems like he has some issues to work through.... and despite your current interest, I would think it best to walk away from it. I really don't think he is going to end up being the partner that you are seeking.

a lot of statement based on the few words you have written, but thats my gut feeling.

kirkat...I know you are definitely right that he has some serious issues to work through. I am also realizing that I should probably just walk away from the whole situation, but it sure is hard.

 

[Apollonia_K]

It sounds more like he is anti-sexual than asexual. From your posting, it sounds like he desires sex (whether straight or gay it is unclear) but feels guilty having sex and probably even desiring sex. It sounds like he needs mental counseling.

One thing you have to decide is whether any of your desire for him is a sort of pity, as opposed to genuine desire for him as a person. It is often hard to sort the two out, and many people feel so bad about "abandoning" someone that they create or continue a relationship past when it is healthy for themselves.

If you want to keep associating with him, you shouldn't make it a romantic relationship. If you know you will fall for him if you keep up your association, take stock of your situation and realize the immense challenge this could bring your life.

O_M_S...He did say during our talk yesterday that he probably needs a therapist. He said it off-handedly but I think I need to gently encourage him to get the help he needs. He is so organized and together in every other part of his life...school, work, family etc. He just completely panics when it comes to talking about his past or relationships.

My desire for him hasn't been pity. I only found out about most of this about a week ago. It's also to late to not fall for him, that's why I'm so upset. Not only do I feel horrible for the things he's been through, I am feeling terribly selfish and guilty for grieving over the loss of what could have been when he's dealing with so much more than I can imagine. God I know this sounds nuts. If I were on the outside looking in I'd be thinking the same thing you are. Thanks for trying to help.

 

[Apollonia_K]

I would say he is probably bi. Losing a good friend because of something you did and/or something you were to them, hurts like hell, you NEVER want it to happen again and you keep wishing there was something you could have done differently, so I can understand why he would like to turn that part of himself off. His marriage might also be a factor in his anti sex stance.

I would back off sexually from him completely. Let him experiment on someone else, you do not want to deal with this, its too deep.
Be his friend if you wish, but he is not in a place to be a sexual partnerand it sounds like he is trying to tell you that LOUD and clear.

Noor...He has completely turned that part of himself off. I think it's probably a combination of whatever situation led to his friends death (like you said) and also what happened to him as a child.
I think your right also that he has been very clear about his inability to be a sexual partner. I am definitely going to back off from him in that way. I just hope I can continue to be his friend and keep the way I feel about him inside my own head.

 

[Terra_Cide]

kirkat...I know you are definitely right that he has some serious issues to work through. I am also realizing that I should probably just walk away from the whole situation, but it sure is hard.

Do you at least consider him a friend? If you do, walking away isn't going to help this guy, and it certainly sounds like he needs some sort of support. Just remember, you can be empathetic with him, but not down in the mess with him. It is OK to tell someone they need help, even confront them a bit. It's up to them whether or not they want to change or stay miserable.

 

[Apollonia_K]

I agree with o_m_s, he sounds more anti-sex than asexual (usually the lack of any sexual feelings/desire/pleasure).

Maybe he meant he liked you as a person, rather than in a sexual way? If not, there's no reason he couldn't be bi - gay and straight aren't the only orientations. Also, the fact that he was married, or even showing attraction to you, doesn't mean a thing about his orientation; plenty of people who have a strong or exclusive preference for the same sex get married for a variety of reasons. Perhaps he's trying to deny his feelings for men since his last relationship ended in so much pain (if it did), and go the opposite way, or at least appear straight to soothe his soul a little.

It sounds like he finds sex traumatic due to his abuse. With survivors, activities can very well turn into a re-enactment of the abuse/assault, so every time brings on the negative feelings and reactions. I've experienced that myself, and it was impossible to get out of without specialized therapy and a ton of hard work. I was also lucky enough to have a partner who could handle the suffering, but in all honesty, it could have (and almost did) just as easily broken us up. YEARS of major sexual problems and a LIFETIME of occasional reminders isn't easy for even the strongest couple to deal with, much less one trying to forge a relationship.

I would be his friend, a big supporter and good influence for him to get help and feel good, but not get romantically involved with someone who had severe emotional and sexual problems. That seems like it'd be setting myself up for failure and I'd worry about codependency. Do you have a history of that, or "rescuing" at all?

He could be bi. I hadn't really considered that possibility, but with his actions it sure would make more sense to me that way.

What you said about activities turning into a re-enactment of the abuse and bringing back a lot of negative feelings...that's pretty much exactly how he described it. I do hope I can encourage him to seek the help he needs. No matter with a man or woman, he deserves to be able to share his life with someone.

While I am a compassionate person and I feel compelled to jump in to help people who are in need, I don't have a history of "rescuing" people in such a way that my heart could get easily broken. I will continue to be a good friend to him and do what I can to help him in whatever way I can. The problem now is trying to remove from my heart any romantic feelings I have for him. It's so hard because in every other way we just totally click together.

Thank you for the advice, I really do appreciate it.

 

[Apollonia_K]

Do you at least consider him a friend? If you do, walking away isn't going to help this guy, and it certainly sounds like he needs some sort of support. Just remember, you can be empathetic with him, but not down in the mess with him. It is OK to tell someone they need help, even confront them a bit. It's up to them whether or not they want to change or stay miserable.

Of course, I consider him a very good friend. When I said I was realizing that I probably needed to walk away from the whole situation, I didn't mean walk away from him. I meant I needed to remove the romantic/sexual feelings I have for him from my heart.

I am going to encourage him to get some help. I know he needs it and I think maybe he knows it too. I hope he does seek out someone to help get rid of his demons. He's a great guy and I absolutely hate to see him suffering.