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Guest
Guest
This is funny if you know the old xmas movies (or else just read the end about the Jesus dental x-ray). - Perdita
IT'S A WONDERFUL LIE! - Neva Chonin, SF Chron, Dec. 12, 2004
Perhaps it eluded your attention, dear readers, but last Monday was the 40th anniversary of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer." Not the song, but the stop-motion puppet narrative based on the song. Yes, it's been four decades since we first watched the incandescent fawn, his prepubescent doe and his friends Hermey (the elf who would be a dentist) and Yukon Cornelius (the ice-pick-licking prospector) battle bigotry and the Bumble to save Christmas for consumerism.
I must confess to weeping when Rudolph rescued the denizens of the Island of Misfit Toys. (Never mind that the toys probably wound up in a dumpster; what use is a choo-choo train with square wheels?) On the other hand, the Abominable Snowman never did much for me, maybe because he was a cute, fuzzy puppet. Whatever. I watched the special once and have watched it every year since. I was hooked, man. Hooked.
I'm like that about older Christmas specials, because vintage Christmas fare is emotional crack. It's tunneled into my id like a Lacanian brain worm. Come cold weather, I devour "Frosty the Snowman," "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" and "The Little Drummer Boy." I've taped high classics like "A Charlie Brown Christmas" (Charles Schulz at his most sincere) and the superb "How the Grinch Stole Christmas," with animation by Chuck Jones and narration by Boris Karloff. Yeah, I've taped them -- but I'd never watch them at any other time of year. I keep them just in case Christmas really does get canceled, the way a survivalist hoards canned peaches.
Maybe I need the catharsis. Ye olde Christmas specials, as opposed to contemporary holiday tripe, are about the only thing that makes me cry. I ooze like the Mock Turtle every time Charlie Brown adopts that pathetic little pine tree. I keen when the Grinch's heart grows three sizes. I sob when the Little Drummer Boy rolls out his first pa-rum-pum-pum-pum.
Obviously, archetypes are at play, aiming deep and triggering responses. They provide me with proof -- fictional proof, but I take what I can get -- that redemption endures in a stinky world. Other viewers have their own emotional hooks: "Let's hope the Alabamans never discover subtext and realize that Rudolph is all about the trauma of coming out to your parents," offers a poster named Katerina on Metafilter.com. She compares Rudolph and his reindeer kin to "a stereotypical military family right out of Pat Conroy. Donner was, like, the Great Santini with antlers, and you just know Mrs. Donner was hitting the Valium lick the minute the kids were off to school."
There it is: difference, acceptance and a troubled childhood redeemed. These are universal themes. We can relate. But what's this? "Consider the social structure," protests another Metafilter.com reader, the Plague. "At the top, we have Santa Claus, who is chastised for not being fat enough. Then, there are two parallel structures below him: 1) The elves, who actually make the toys, do the decorating and perform the Xmas songs. 2) The reindeer, who literally do the heavy lifting in the means of distribution." The Island of Misfit Toys, the Plague posits, "is essentially a gulag, complete with aerial reconnaissance to prevent escape."
He's right, you know. And what about the snowman narrator, voiced by late red-baiter and McCarthyist name-namer Burl Ives? Where does he fit into Santa's North Pole economy? Just who/what does the great white Bumble stand for, anyway?
When I'm not stuffing myself with weepy animatronic conundrums, I'm soaking up the morality tales offered by films like the Alastair Sim version of "A Christmas Carol," "It's a Wonderful Life," "The Homecoming" (Patricia Neal as one of the Waltons!), and the original "Miracle on 34th Street," starring Edmund Gwenn as the only Santa Claus who ever mattered. God bless the Macy's parade and everything it stands for.
How do contemporary specials stack up? Not very high. NBC's "Fear Factor" had a special holiday episode in which contestants braved guard dogs to deliver presents; then there was "A Clay Aiken Christmas," featuring the would- be American Idol matching scales with Barry Manilow. CBS offered a marathon of horror, in which Ben Stiller, Hugh Grant, Britney Spears, James Woods and others lent their voices to the animated "Robbie the Reindeer: Hooves of Fire. "
Gaaah! Make it stop! Who is Robbie the Reindeer? Where are the archetypal buttons? Specials like these make the Baby Jesus cry. Me, I'll save my tears for Rudolph, the Misfit Toys and the Grinch's dog, Max.
If those un-specials sound bad, try these. Over at NationalLampoon.com, I found John Scalzi's list of "The 10 Least Successful Holiday Specials of All Time." Among them were "The Algonquin Round Table Christmas" (1927), "The Assassination of Saint Nicholas" (1939), Ayn Rand's "A Selfish Christmas" (1951), Noam Chomsky's "Deconstructing Christmas" (1998) and a lost 1968 "Star Trek" episode called "A Most Illogical Holiday." Oh, if only it were all true.
Rejoice! Jesus Christ has manifested on a dental X-ray in Phoenix, Ariz. "The patient described himself as a devout Christian, but said he has never before seen Jesus in an X-ray," reports NBC10.com. The patient's dental exam, by the way, was perfect. Now all we need is for Hermey the elfin dentist to appear in a bottle of Listerine, and the rapture is ensured.
IT'S A WONDERFUL LIE! - Neva Chonin, SF Chron, Dec. 12, 2004
Perhaps it eluded your attention, dear readers, but last Monday was the 40th anniversary of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer." Not the song, but the stop-motion puppet narrative based on the song. Yes, it's been four decades since we first watched the incandescent fawn, his prepubescent doe and his friends Hermey (the elf who would be a dentist) and Yukon Cornelius (the ice-pick-licking prospector) battle bigotry and the Bumble to save Christmas for consumerism.
I must confess to weeping when Rudolph rescued the denizens of the Island of Misfit Toys. (Never mind that the toys probably wound up in a dumpster; what use is a choo-choo train with square wheels?) On the other hand, the Abominable Snowman never did much for me, maybe because he was a cute, fuzzy puppet. Whatever. I watched the special once and have watched it every year since. I was hooked, man. Hooked.
I'm like that about older Christmas specials, because vintage Christmas fare is emotional crack. It's tunneled into my id like a Lacanian brain worm. Come cold weather, I devour "Frosty the Snowman," "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" and "The Little Drummer Boy." I've taped high classics like "A Charlie Brown Christmas" (Charles Schulz at his most sincere) and the superb "How the Grinch Stole Christmas," with animation by Chuck Jones and narration by Boris Karloff. Yeah, I've taped them -- but I'd never watch them at any other time of year. I keep them just in case Christmas really does get canceled, the way a survivalist hoards canned peaches.
Maybe I need the catharsis. Ye olde Christmas specials, as opposed to contemporary holiday tripe, are about the only thing that makes me cry. I ooze like the Mock Turtle every time Charlie Brown adopts that pathetic little pine tree. I keen when the Grinch's heart grows three sizes. I sob when the Little Drummer Boy rolls out his first pa-rum-pum-pum-pum.
Obviously, archetypes are at play, aiming deep and triggering responses. They provide me with proof -- fictional proof, but I take what I can get -- that redemption endures in a stinky world. Other viewers have their own emotional hooks: "Let's hope the Alabamans never discover subtext and realize that Rudolph is all about the trauma of coming out to your parents," offers a poster named Katerina on Metafilter.com. She compares Rudolph and his reindeer kin to "a stereotypical military family right out of Pat Conroy. Donner was, like, the Great Santini with antlers, and you just know Mrs. Donner was hitting the Valium lick the minute the kids were off to school."
There it is: difference, acceptance and a troubled childhood redeemed. These are universal themes. We can relate. But what's this? "Consider the social structure," protests another Metafilter.com reader, the Plague. "At the top, we have Santa Claus, who is chastised for not being fat enough. Then, there are two parallel structures below him: 1) The elves, who actually make the toys, do the decorating and perform the Xmas songs. 2) The reindeer, who literally do the heavy lifting in the means of distribution." The Island of Misfit Toys, the Plague posits, "is essentially a gulag, complete with aerial reconnaissance to prevent escape."
He's right, you know. And what about the snowman narrator, voiced by late red-baiter and McCarthyist name-namer Burl Ives? Where does he fit into Santa's North Pole economy? Just who/what does the great white Bumble stand for, anyway?
When I'm not stuffing myself with weepy animatronic conundrums, I'm soaking up the morality tales offered by films like the Alastair Sim version of "A Christmas Carol," "It's a Wonderful Life," "The Homecoming" (Patricia Neal as one of the Waltons!), and the original "Miracle on 34th Street," starring Edmund Gwenn as the only Santa Claus who ever mattered. God bless the Macy's parade and everything it stands for.
How do contemporary specials stack up? Not very high. NBC's "Fear Factor" had a special holiday episode in which contestants braved guard dogs to deliver presents; then there was "A Clay Aiken Christmas," featuring the would- be American Idol matching scales with Barry Manilow. CBS offered a marathon of horror, in which Ben Stiller, Hugh Grant, Britney Spears, James Woods and others lent their voices to the animated "Robbie the Reindeer: Hooves of Fire. "
Gaaah! Make it stop! Who is Robbie the Reindeer? Where are the archetypal buttons? Specials like these make the Baby Jesus cry. Me, I'll save my tears for Rudolph, the Misfit Toys and the Grinch's dog, Max.
If those un-specials sound bad, try these. Over at NationalLampoon.com, I found John Scalzi's list of "The 10 Least Successful Holiday Specials of All Time." Among them were "The Algonquin Round Table Christmas" (1927), "The Assassination of Saint Nicholas" (1939), Ayn Rand's "A Selfish Christmas" (1951), Noam Chomsky's "Deconstructing Christmas" (1998) and a lost 1968 "Star Trek" episode called "A Most Illogical Holiday." Oh, if only it were all true.
Rejoice! Jesus Christ has manifested on a dental X-ray in Phoenix, Ariz. "The patient described himself as a devout Christian, but said he has never before seen Jesus in an X-ray," reports NBC10.com. The patient's dental exam, by the way, was perfect. Now all we need is for Hermey the elfin dentist to appear in a bottle of Listerine, and the rapture is ensured.
