Are You Out?

[grinner666]

The only instance I can see it being a choice is if you're into bdsm because you're doing it to please someone else. Me? I can't help that power exchanges and ceremony intermingled in my sex is what truly fulfills me any more than a gay man is fulfilled by sex with another man. In this, at least, it very much is the same issue. Just like someone whose gay, I've always been this way..

Hear, hear!! I didn't "choose" to be a dominant and sadist any more than I "chose" to have diabetes (and I'm a type 1 diabetic, so don't tell me there were better choices I could've made), blue eyes or freckles. One does not necessarily get to choose what does or does not cause arousal or makes one's sex life fulfilling. To claim otherwise is the same sort of neanderthal thinking that those who would gladly keep people like Dyslexicea in the closet engage, and it disappoints me to see an obviously proud gay woman engaged in it.

 

[VladHarkonnen]

I rather liken it to older kids not wanting to let younger kids into the clubhouse. It's been my observation that when people are oppressed and are beginning to gain acceptance they tend to develop an attitude of exclusivity when it comes to their own oppression. It's almost like a badge of honor. It distinguishes them from other people and as such, not something they want to share. But that said, we can't say that kinksters have been oppressed on the same level. Not even in the same fucking ballpark. I've never heard anyone react to someone's being into bdsm with the same level of hate and disgust that gays receive. In that, it isn't the same thing at all.

Its just the idea of it being a "choice" that bothers me.

Dys, I get that it isn't the "same" but there are some interesting parallels that lead me to believe that it might just be more the same that you think. I mean, to my knowledge, no one has ever studied the brain chemistry of people that are into bdsm the way they've done with gays so who can say? I'm just saying that it might not be so wise to dismiss out of hand the possibility that we're inherently different from most people. For my part, when I look at my own life and experiences I can't help but believe that we are.

 

[Loverskitten]

I rather liken it to older kids not wanting to let younger kids into the clubhouse. It's been my observation that when people are oppressed and are beginning to gain acceptance they tend to develop an attitude of exclusivity when it comes to their own oppression. It's almost like a badge of honor. It distinguishes them from other people and as such, not something they want to share. But that said, we can't say that kinksters have been oppressed on the same level. Not even in the same fucking ballpark. I've never heard anyone react to someone's being into bdsm with the same level of hate and disgust that gays receive. In that, it isn't the same thing at all.

Its just the idea of it being a "choice" that bothers me.

Dys, I get that it isn't the "same" but there are some interesting parallels that lead me to believe that it might just be more the same that you think. I mean, to my knowledge, no one has ever studied the brain chemistry of people that are into bdsm the way they've done with gays so who can say? I'm just saying that it might not be so wise to dismiss out of hand the possibility that we're inherently different from most people. For my part, when I look at my own life and experiences I can't help but believe that we are.

I'm sorry, this arguement is irrelevant. People can live without BDSM. You're not going to die. Gay people can live without sex. Vanilla people can live without sex. BDSM is sexual arousal. You prefer it. You may be grumpy without it but you don't NEED IT. Get over yourself.
And yes, the "discrimination" it is different than the gay community. Gay is having an attraction to the same sex. Not the sexual acts.
Does an employer or fellow employee (or friend or anyone) want to see your gay sex plastered on the Internet? No. (well mostly no, unless you're hot) Just as I pointed out before, people have been fired for hetero sex on the Internet too (unless you're hot, I keed) but my point is, again, descretion! Be it gay, straight, kinky, whatever.
This thread was about "coming out" as BDSM. Do you "come out as being vanilla"? Or "come out as liking anal" or whatever? No. So you like kinky things, so what? Why tell everyone?
Seriously people.

 

[twister947]

Not out, but only because the details of my life aren't anyone else's business.

In general, I'm not ashamed of my lifestyle, but I do keep my darker fantasies close to the vest. Some things, I just don't share. Not even here.

 

[VladHarkonnen]

I'm sorry, this arguement is irrelevant. People can live without BDSM. You're not going to die. Gay people can live without sex. Vanilla people can live without sex. BDSM is sexual arousal. You prefer it. You may be grumpy without it but you don't NEED IT. Get over yourself.
And yes, the "discrimination" it is different than the gay community. Gay is having an attraction to the same sex. Not the sexual acts.
Does an employer or fellow employee (or friend or anyone) want to see your gay sex plastered on the Internet? No. (well mostly no, unless you're hot) Just as I pointed out before, people have been fired for hetero sex on the Internet too (unless you're hot, I keed) but my point is, again, descretion! Be it gay, straight, kinky, whatever.
This thread was about "coming out" as BDSM. Do you "come out as being vanilla"? Or "come out as liking anal" or whatever? No. So you like kinky things, so what? Why tell everyone?
Seriously people.

I agree with what you've said but I don't recall stating that I'd die without having bdsm sex.

And get over myself? Impossible.

 

[marieR19]

And most recently, I was counseled to not refer to my partner as "partner", because A) people might assume I'm gay and B) equally acknowledging the people I love equally, isn't appropriate.

WTF?? Wow. That's really stupid.

*rolls eyes* I don't have much of an issue in this department simply because I'm fairly anti-social and don't *have* many friends to be out/not-out to. My closest friend/co-worker knows, it's something we discuss sometimes. Another friend *might* know 'cause I've hinted, but haven't actually said it. I'm almost positive my mom knows because of multiple tiny things that have happened over the years, but we would never talk about it.

Everyone online knows. I mean, I don't keep it a secret on Facebook, I link to kink-interested websites, even the people on a forum for a petsite game know (that place is amazingly mature for a petsite forum). I've never worried about getting fired because of it, not because it *couldn't* happen, but because I just don't think it would. There are two people who can fire me, my boss and then my boss's-boss, the CEO. The CEO LOVES me and has taken a personal interest in my well-being even when it means missing work. She's open-minded enough in general that I really doubt this would be a problem if it ever came up.
(Also, I know it's not the same thing, but a part of me feels like it would just be a bad PR move in general to fire someone for diversity/alternative lifestyles, when our *entire company's* primary focus is on helping minority and disabled/disadvantaged/in-need people)

 

[Rainbow123]

I told two of my close friends when I embarked on my first and very recent BDSM relationship. They both embraced it, maybe even envied the fact that I have discovered something that has me bouncing off the ceiling. But that's why they are my close friends...

 

[Kim_Burly]

Rather than post this in my now moribund thread on the same topic I thought I'd jump in here with an incident that happened two weeks ago.

Sir and I had a party at his house for my friends and his. It turned out to be a very lively party, I was the only sober person there. Everyone else was in various stages of drunkenness, which as it turns out when your sober is really quite annoying. So I was a little crabbier than I should have been and my friend Linda that I came out to three months ago was sh*t-faced. She still hasn't gotten used to the fact that I am submissive to one man and no one else. She thinks that deep down I have no self esteem and I want everyone to walk all over me.

A bit about Linda, she is a very touchy-feely person and she gives very "intimate" hugs, she always has. She grabs my butt and crushes our boobs together and then holds me tight, like we're dancing. I'm not the only one, she does it to other female friends of ours.

She kept trying to boss me around, I rolled with it for a while. She was really clingy and she kept caressing my butt as we stood and talked. She kept at it and when she told me to go to the kitchen and make her a Mojito she had pushed me too far. I dragged her by the wrist into the library, closed the door and started reading her the riot act. When I paused she slurred "Are you done?". I had nothing more to say, so I just glared at her. She grabs me by the shoulders and tried to push me to my knees while saying "Service me you subservient bitch!" I completely lost it I brought my arms up between hers, hauled back and slapped her face. She was so drunk she fell into a chair that fell over backwards. Seeing her struggling to get up from the floor because she was so drunk was funny enough to make me feel a little better. I walked out and someone asked me what had happened I just told them the Linda had told me a funny joke. Wen she came out half an hour later, her cheek was still a little red.

She came over the next evening and apologized. I've been where she was and I have done more than my fair share of stupid things when drunk, so I gave her a big hug (she didn't grab my butt) and said all is forgiven. She was waiting for me to apologize right back, but I didn't. We talked a little bit but she didn't want to talk about how she really felt. The thing is that I think you see the real person when they are drunk. But I'm not sure what to make of her behavior. I don't think she is bi. I think she just wanted to humiliate me, for some reason. Sorry to go on, I guess I l relearned what I have always known, when in doubt, keep your mouth shut.

 

[celestialdragon]

I had come out to my mother, and she lost it. Basically called me a freak and said that I'm too young to be dabbling in that sort of thing. I was 18 and it had been a gradual ascent.

This is also the same woman who is mentally unstable and is a controlling manipulative b*tch who wouldn't let me participate in certain things because it wasn't 'lady-like'.

I also had come out to my boyfriend/fiance, and he took it really well, saying that while he doesn't like the idea (it's degrading, shouldn't do that to a pretty girl, etc), he does understand that we all have weird bedroom fantasies (his own brother has a machine fetish it seems).

Couple of my friends know, mainly former Doms. They all seemed to realize that the cute bookworm who seems really shy and gets hyper easily has a kinky side to her. . . .

 

[leighannste17]

He has control, he exercised it; he deleted their remarks and possibly blocked the more egregious offenders.

In that aspect he has control. His grammar is perfect, his body is perfect, but she is better at being beautiful, so he's got to be the magician at some point, and he has already.

But at the end of the day, a simple fuck you, does nothing to me on a motorcycle. Why? The bus driver picked me up, I'm off today, I bought toilet paper and toothpaste and made it home. I've been screwed by you in so many different positions.

Now it's my turn. He died with a stupid slut. I'm still alive. I'm Christian, and Saved but I have sex.

 

[Loverskitten]

In that aspect he has control. His grammar is perfect, his body is perfect, but she is better at being beautiful, so he's got to be the magician at some point, and he has already.

But at the end of the day, a simple fuck you, does nothing to me on a motorcycle. Why? The bus driver picked me up, I'm off today, I bought toilet paper and toothpaste and made it home. I've been screwed by you in so many different positions.

Now it's my turn. He died with a stupid slut. I'm still alive. I'm Christian, and Saved but I have sex.

Am I drunk?