are you being faithful?

[Guest]

Have u ever cheated? been cheated on? Whats it mean to you? Ever have an affair? Was it a one night thing or a more serious relationship. Did you feel guilty? Did the other person?

Discuss please.

 

[rgraham666]

I'm almost never in a relationship. But when I am I've always been faithful.

Relationships are difficult enough with cheating thrown into the mix.

 

[arienette]

Oh wow, what a thread!

My last relationship was quite...well, it just ended in being a game of who could cheat on who and I won. It wasn't a very healthy relationship, to say the least. However, I don't regret it; people cheat (mostly) when something is lacking or they're severely addicted to sex with just about anyone; I was guilty of both of these and no, I am not proud of what I've done. Although, I must say, I don't regret it; I'm one of those "everything happens for a reason" bitches and I found my great love who I am currently with while I was with my ex.

I cheated on him with my current boyfriend, he was married with two kids, although he said they were done. We went through a rough patch in the beginning where he tried to patch things up with his wife, they were living together and trying to raise 2 kids, afterall; one with a cleft pallet who was very newly born and another at 18 months. I told him I was happy for him and tried to patch things up with my ex, although I admit now that I never really tried. After a month or so my current boyfriend came back into my life, we agreed that we needed to be with each other, his wife moved out and filed for divorce, I moved in with him after only being with him for 4 months and now, at almost 11 months (Wow, time flies...) we're doing very well, he and his wife are civil to each other and he sees his kids frequently and my ex and I are great friends and hold no resentment.

So before, no, I wasn't faithful. We were both stupid, both made mistakes and after a while you can't fix everything and we know that. However, now, you bet your ass I am. I have someone who I love dearly, who holds the same feelings in return and I won't be stupid. Not again.

 

[Recidiva]

This gets weird because people can think I'm cheating when I'm not.

Particularly those that believe I shouldn't be writing erotica, or talking to men here, or flirting, or anything.

Husband and I have boundaries set at no cyber, no phone sex, no real sex. (Yeah, I wanted to have the cyber restriction at least lifted...so I could roleplay on Stella's threads...but I couldn't, so I didn't)

Tempted to cheat, sure, I can acknowledge that if it happens, in a "You're extraordinarily attractive, and I'd love to if..."

But I don't consider being tempted or honest to be cheating. Cheating is doing something about it, not admitting it. But to others, admitting it is guilt. So I just stick to my side of the line and my guns, people can think what they want. And they do. And I usually end up with one less friend.

I'm fine with respecting other people's boundaries. But having mine respected is rare. Since cheating is an individual thing, but some people think it's an "Obvious" or "Universal" line, I can't deal with them.

 

[impressive]

As the wise 'Diva notes, everyone has different boundaries. I have learned over the years to be true to myself and the rest will fall into place. That involved a very difficult discussion with the man to whom I'm currently (albeit temporarily) married, and he was undoubtedly hurt by the fact that I refused to promise monogamy. However, I have reached a place in my life's journey where I will not make a promise that I am not absolutely certain I can (or want to) keep.

So, when you get right down to it, the only person I can cheat on is myself -- and I respect myself WAY too much to do that.

My biggest dilemma right now is being an accessory to deception in virtually any form. That inspires a LOT of conflict in my mind & I struggle with it on a daily basis. Resolution, when it comes, may be very painful indeed. If my heart and soul go to the mat, I've no doubt that my soul will win.

 

[oggbashan]

Have u ever cheated? been cheated on? Whats it mean to you? Ever have an affair? Was it a one night thing or a more serious relationship. Did you feel guilty? Did the other person?

Discuss please.

Have u ever cheated? No.

been cheated on? Not to my knowledge but how would I know? I trust my wife. She trusts me.

Whats it mean to you? It would be a betrayal of the promises we made at our marriage 34 years ago.

Ever have an affair? Yes. Before I met my wife, I had several concurrent relationships, usually as the previous one was ending. That was in the 1960s when attitudes to casual relationships were much more relaxed than they are now - no AIDS and widespread use of the pill.

Was it a one night thing or a more serious relationship? Some of each. More serious relationships didn't develop until the previous relationship was definitely ended. One night stands were acceptable for both of us, particularly at parties involving mutual friends.

Did you feel guilty? Yes, if the relationship started to develop before I had been dumped by the previous person. No for one night stands - then.

Did the other person? Yes, ditto, and also if their previous relationship hadn't ended. No for one night stands - then.

Discuss. The world has changed since I was in central London in the early 1960s. Then sexual liberation was a reality. Swapping partners for a night was considered to be acceptable behaviour within a longer term relationship. That didn't stop some arguments: 'How could you with him/her?' and awkward comparisons: 'He's more/less endowed and makes better/worse use of what he has..." 'She just lies there like a beached whale/She grabs and sucks like an octopus' and 'She/He did this. Why don't you? I liked it'.

STDs were around but relatively easy to treat. The only consequence was the need to refrain from sex until treatment was completed. No one I knew broke that unwritten rule. It was no secret if someone was currently infected. They would be teased but not shunned.

The past is a different country.

Og

 

[deathlynx]

But I don't consider being tempted or honest to be cheating. Cheating is doing something about it, not admitting it. But to others, admitting it is guilt. So I just stick to my side of the line and my guns, people can think what they want. And they do. And I usually end up with one less friend.

Good point...I completely agree, it is indeed cheating if you don't get caught...

That being said I have never cheated or (to the best of my knowledge) been cheated on...
Have I ever had an affair? I suppose that depends on what you concider an affair? I once hooked up with a friend at a club which turned into a relationship...But I had no significant other at the time so would that be an affair or simply a non-standard relationship? (meaning we never really went out on dates)

As for boundries my wife and I are monogomous but the boundries are fairly loose...Really it comes down to no IRL sexual encounters (no Bill Clinton wordplay to try to get around it here folks)...She cybers occasionally and I write...Fair enough...

 

[English Lady]

I think several people have mentioned boundaries, and I think everyone has different boundaries.

I have never cheated on my hubby, not within the boundaries of our relationship. Yes I write smutty stories (he encourages that) some of them have my fantasies about other men contained in them and sometimes I have cyber sex (increasingly rare these days) but I'm not cheating.

However, someone in a different relationship might say one or both of those are cheating.

Also we've discussed sex with other people IRL, and well, as long as it's not hidden away, we might be open to that too (but the situation hasn't arose as yet)

So no, I've never cheated, is the short answer *L*

 

[OhMissScarlett]

In the past, I've done every damn deceitful thing you could possibly think of and then some. Basically, I was very self-indulgent when I felt like I was mistreated. Every time a partner did something I deemed wrong or neglected me, I used it as an excuse to stray.

I found out some things. No, the grass isn't greener on the other side, and hey, maybe relationships aren't all about me.

I'm steadily working on accepting responsibility for my own unhappiness and not blaming everyone else. Let's just say I'm trying to behave within my own boundaries. Yeah, uh, it's a lot of work, btw.

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

Cheated? Hell, no! I avoided that danger by means of an open relationship. Like Imp, I simply refuse to promise something that I can't be sure of. No sense of making such a promise. At the risk of using a Biblical proverb for something completely unbiblical, it is better not to promise than to promise and break your word.

I know my family. I know the men in my family. Maybe one or two of them have been faithful to their wives (not even certain of that). If you don't think that a wandering eye runs in families, I can tell you, you're deluding yourself. It certainly runs in mine. My father, my brother, most of my uncles. I could go on. I don't know about the women, but I wouldn't be surprised if several of them have cheated too.

Like I said, I saw that trap ahead of time and refused to fall into it. Hence, no monogamy. I know myself. I have a wandering eye and always will. I am just trying harder now to avoid emotional entanglements due to my nature, since they can be dangerous. It won't be easy, however. Recent events have shown me how easy it is to confuse feelings as well as become attached to people. But I am trying harder about that, since I don't want to hurt any more people, including myself.

Been cheated on? Yes. Once. Only once. The one and only time I ever attempted monogamy. I was 14. She was 16. The other man was 23. It wasn't pretty. I found out that I was being two-timed and I called it off. I don't know if I would have been faithful had we stayed together longer, but it doesn't matter. She wasn't faithful. I was, despite the frustration (and plenty of it). I don't know who is worse off, her or him. They deserve each other.

 

[Selena_Kitt]

Me? Faithful! Feh! Every man here in the AH can attest to what a slut I am--I've dogged them all, right?

*waiting for my husband to come blustering in*

 

[Recidiva]

Me? Faithful! Feh! Every man here in the AH can attest to what a slut I am--I've dogged them all, right?

*waiting for my husband to come blustering in*

In my online time, I've applied this joke to my experience:

"What's the difference between a slut and a bitch? A slut is someone who sleeps with everyone. A bitch is someone who sleeps with everyone...but you."

The general consensus is that I'm a bitch.

That's obviously what I'm here for, right?

 

[LadyCibelle]

Have u ever cheated? I wouldn't even know how to do it. Honesty is the most important thing in a relationship for me and cheating would betray everything I believe in. Now, ask me if I've ever been tempted. THAT's a different answer. Of course, I've been tempted....I'm human after all. Temptation is normal, giving in to it is unacceptable to me though.

Been cheated on? Unfortunately yeah. My ex-husband started cheating on me 6 months before we got married and he never stopped all the time we were married.

Whats it mean to you? It meant the death of our relationship when I found out. It meant I had been taken for a fool for years on end, it cheapened everything we ever had together. It also showed me that appearing trustworthy doesn't mean you are...quite the contrary. He betrayed our vows, our love, our children. He sullied every good thing we ever had just for cheap thrills and satisfy his ego that he still 'had it'.

Ever have an affair? Nope and I don't intend to either.

Was it a one night thing or a more serious relationship. N/A

Did you feel guilty? As weird as it sound yeah. He managed to made me feel guilty of his cheating. He made me feel that it was all my fault, that I was too 'vanilla' for him, that I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, sexy enough etc.... when in fact it had nothing to do with me....it was all about him! Just him and his inadequacies!

Did the other person?Not even a little bit.

Discuss please. Boundaries, trust, honestly has been mentionned numerous times so I won't repeat it. But, I just have to say that I don't believe cheating is neither the solution nor the cause of relationship problems.

I've learned that cheating, just like rape, has, almost always, nothing to do with sex....it's all about POWER! The power of knowing you're having 'one up' over your partner, the power of your seduction, feeling empowered that if something doesn't suit you you can turn around and jump someone else's bone etc.... All the bad forms of empowerement are at work for cheaters.

I don't think that lots of people will agree with me, I'm even expecting to have rotten tomatoes thrown at me....but hey....it's my opinion and I shared it.

 

[carsonshepherd]

Have I cheated? Oh, yes. I've cheated a lot. I tend toward serial monogamy, but I have a short attention span - a couple of years, tops. Nobody's been able to hold my interest for longer than that.
If someone did, I probably wouldn't stray, but I'll never promise monogamy again - and that means I'll never cheat again. I want an open and honest relationship now, not one that forces me into deception to fulfill my needs. (I expect to be single for a really long time. )

 

[Svenskaflicka]

Have u ever cheated? been cheated on? Whats it mean to you? Ever have an affair? Was it a one night thing or a more serious relationship. Did you feel guilty? Did the other person?

Discuss please.

I cheated on a boyfriend once. I felt terribly guilty, so I stopped seeing the guy I had cheating on my boyfriend with. I just wanted a little male attention since my boyfriend lived far away and we could only see each other twice a month. I was 17 at the time. Learned my lesson.
I can't cheat without feeling terrible about it. So I behave, for my own sake.

I've had guys cheat on me many times (it turned out that the boyfriend I had cheated on had cheated on me first - with a pal of mine!). When it was just guys I was dating, I didn't care much, I just figured they weren't worthy of my time or care anymore.

But then I met one guy that I loved with all my heart. I trusted him. I confided in him, told him things I had never dared to tell anyone else. We made plans for the future. We discussed names for our future children. We looked for a house.

And then he fucked some young girl.

He took my hopes, my dreams, my love, my trust, and wiped the shit out of his ass with them. And now, whenever I hear a guy say "hi", I know that he's lying to me.

 

[deathlynx]

He took my hopes, my dreams, my love, my trust, and wiped the shit out of his ass with them. And now, whenever I hear a guy say "hi", I know that he's lying to me.

I'm so sorry to hear that happened...

but please don't judge us all for it...I don't think I could cheat...I need to form an emotional connection to someone before I'm capable of sex...honestly the term "making love" is more than just a flowery way of saying "sex"...Besides, I try not to lie...I'll avoid saying anything, dodge the issue, or soften the blow if I can but I don't think it's healthy to lie...I've seen how dramatically a single lie can change a life...Maintaining a lie to some friends about going to a concert led (through many convoluted situations) led to a nervous breakdown some three years later...One which I had to completely rebuild my life from...

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

Have u ever cheated? been cheated on? Whats it mean to you? Ever have an affair? Was it a one night thing or a more serious relationship. Did you feel guilty? Did the other person?

Discuss please.

You first . . .

Just kidding.

Short answer: No.

Long answer: No.

Discussion: I've never been in that kind of relationship where I felt like I needed to "cheat." If the relationship was suffiently unsatisfactory that I would feel the "need" to secretly fuck someone else, that relationship was quickly brought to a close. I have had a few relationships where each party was free to fuck someone else within reasonable bounds - fuck somebody else, not fuck anybody else. I played by those rules and was perfectly content.

 

[Liar]

Cheating is a fuzzy word. Means different things to different people.

According to my definition, I've never cheated and never will.

I'm not a poster boy for fidelity. I am and I always will be attracted to other people than my SO. And in a social situation, non-commitment flirting and innuendo might occur. But it means zip, it's just banter suitable for the decorum.

If, god forbid, I one night would lose control, go further and get physical on the side, in the drunken "What did I do last night and whose bed am I in?" kind of way, I wouldn't keep it a secret. And I I got bored with what I had in a relationship and wanted to get involved with someone else, I'd bring ot out in the open. That's the one thing that's most important in a relationship. You don't lie. I may (but hopefully not) be weak, but I won't be dishonest.

Hasn't happened though. And afaik, I've not been cheated on either.

 

[NoJo]

I'm 100% faithful most of the time

 

[carsonshepherd]

I'm 100% faithful most of the time

So if you're 100% faithful 85% of the time, what's the square root of the remaining time you're not faithful?

 

[Nirvanadragones]

Once again, before I answer this, we need to establish that we all add our subjective experiences, feelings and connotations to a word or a phrase. Which means that what is considered cheating by you, may not be cheating for me. Now that I have defended myself successfully...

I had an alternative relationship with my ex husband for 10 years. We met when I was 19, I had already "outed" myself as lesbian and was in a 3 year relationship with another woman. Then I fell in love with him. It seems more complicated now than it was at the time. The decision to be with him was natural and easy. We started our life together with him being totally aware of my sexual orientation. I had doubts if I could be "bi" successfully - but hey - here I was in love with him. After two months, he was the one who suggested I start seeing my girlfriend again. He could see that there was something lacking in my life, and it was about so much more than the sex. And that is how it was. I had a relationship with both of them for years. I married my husband, and we have a daughter. I was also with my female lover till she passed away 3 years ago.

My husband was fully aware of my relationship with her, as was she of my relationship with him, although details were never discussed. It worked very well, although at times, it did make me feel as if I was leading a double life. I felt no guilt though.

When she passed away, I went on a 3 year journey of exploration. Many girls, many women. Mostly physical connections. Once again, my husband knew about my relationships, but not the details. We had decided on some very specific rules, and we kept to them. My family was always first priority my career, my studies, and then the rest. None of those relationship were serious enough to threaten my marriage or my then established sexuality.

Looking back now, I realise that I was always searching - looking for that one person who would not only complete me, but understand me, love me and share my level of intensity.

Then I met my Love. Within the first few days of having met her, I knew I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life. It took a while for me to figure out that although my relationship with my husband was generally good, it was not right. I'm lesbian. He is straight. We were not meant to be together. So when the opportunity came for us to move away from each other 3 months ago, we separated.

I feel no guilt - I was honest with him and my love from the beginning. I played by the rules, and when I could no longer play by the rules because of the intensity of what we felt, I did what I had to do to be true to myself.

As to having had an affair - I plead the fifth...

 

[Nirvanadragones]

I would like to add a dynamic to this thread:

Being emotionally unfaithful vs. being physically unfaithful

and also how would you define each?

 

[deathlynx]

Vana, personally I'd vote that since it was understood and accepted by all parties it certainly doesn't count as cheating...After all, by the literal deffinition cheating means breaking the rules...Since you were simply using a different set of rules in your relationships it can't count as cheating!

Enjoy life the way you want so long as everyone involved understands and agrees...If not then maybe that person isn't right for you...

 

[McKenna]

... it's just banter suitable for the decorum.

I absolutely adore this line! I think it can be applied to situations here at Literotica as well.






As for Fem's questions:

Have I ever cheated? According to the guidelines my partner and I have established in our relationship, no. I have never cheated.


Have I ever been cheated on? Yes. Different relationship, different set of guidelines. He stepped out of line, was honest enough to admit it, end of relationship.


What's it mean to me? Cheating means breaking the rules or guidelines you and your partner have established concerning emotional or physical intimacy outside your relationship. Are these rules anyone else's business? No.


Ever have an affair? Tricky question. Depends on how you and your partner establish the definition of an affair. I have had an emotional affair with someone outside of my relationship; I was never dishonest with my partner about this affair. We dealt with it. End of story.


Was it a one night thing or more serious relationship? More serious relationship; a fuck is just a fuck, emotions are a lot longer-lasting.


Did you feel guilty? Sometimes. Like Scarlett said in her post, sometimes I live under the delusion that a relationship is all about me. I consoled myself by convincing myself I was only filling the gaps in the relationship I had with my partner, gaps that he was unwilling to fill himself. I'm learning the art of compromise, and of asking for what I want. I'm not perfect at relationships, but I think the key is to never stop trying.


Did the other person (feel guilty) ? Yes.


As for discussion, I believe society sets rules about what is considered an affair; I don't believe anyone else should have a say in something so personal between me and my partner. It's our business. If we are comfortable with the boundaries, the relationship works. What works for us doesn't always work for other people; I'm not so naive as to think I should somehow impress my opinion of "right" and "wrong" on someone else, not in matters such as these.

I rather like the zoological definition of monogamy: The condition of having only one mate during a breeding season or during the breeding life of a pair. I like the way it refers to a "breeding season" or a "breeding life;" this suggests something impermanent, which makes a lot more sense to me.

 

[Recidiva]

I would like to add a dynamic to this thread:

Being emotionally unfaithful vs. being physically unfaithful

and also how would you define each?

I think people tend to think as their heart as one unified land. No dissenting voices or you're somehow unfaithful. There are provinces and borders and lobbyists.

I don't think this is realistic, at least for me. My husband I adore, I love, I'm pledged to him. This doesn't mean that I can't be attracted to other people or say so.

Many people would and do consider that cheating. To me it's being realistic and honest about the landscape of the way my heart is built.

Other people light up different parts of me, my mind, emotions, thoughts, spirit. Yes, even lust. I can say it, because it's true and I can look at it dead on. But I won't act on it.

There's one millimeter of critical space between thinking something and doing it.

Some people don't think that millimeter is critical, I do. I will always have that space, I can get that close to the truth and not touch it. I can see it, though. And be okay with it being there.

The rest gets into guilt and "thought police" for me. Where you're judged by what you think, and not what you do. Fantasies, thoughts, are just that. You could easily get led into a space where your fantasies are punished for existing, and I won't go there. A fantasy life, a dream life, possibilities, and being able to see how extraordinary people are, life is, is something I won't be denied while I'm living. Fortunately I have a husband who understands this about me and lets me indulge my interest in other people, other minds, other appetites, and at least be by them, if not touch them.

Emotionally unfaithful to me, means, I make it clear to my husband that he doesn't come first. That I prefer someone else to him. That I won't be there for him, and I make sure he knows that and feels that, and that's what I want him to feel.

I know other people think of love also as some pristine well where the water is measured, and you covet every drop, nobody else can drink. Well, that doesn't work so much for me. I like being involved, and it's difficult for me to not offer intimacy, sympathy, emotional support, to people I feel close to. My point is that the well doesn't ever run dry for those I love. If I were to be offering who I am emotionally to others, and not my husband, that would be unfaithful.

Physically unfaithful is pretty clear cut. There are some people I know I can't get anywhere near. No lunch dates. Not without armed escort. And even then, not a good idea.

Tempting fate is not a good idea. I won't knowingly put myself in a position where a physical attraction will put me or someone else in a place of doing something stupid. So if I feel I might be the slightest bit weak, we just won't get near each other. So far I haven't been accidentally unfaithful or put myself in a position where my brain's going to be irrelevant to the equation.

I've always told my present partner before physically touching someone else. But that point I've usually gotten so close to the new person that I've fallen in love with them, and usually out of love with the person I'm with.

It's part of my ethics to believe that I should be with the person who loves me the most, who I love the most in return. That can be rough on relationships as they weaken and others grow.

However, when my primary relationship is the strongest, and can bear all any up and comers, so to speak, it's a good system to have. All my prohibitions hold. I maintain that critical millimeter of emotional and physical space.