Are you a product of a "broken home?"

[Whispersecret]

Re: best for the kids??

Whisper,,,
Really though,,, in some cases I suppose that divorce is better for the kids, and I'm sure that most everyone can think of a few situations where that is correct, I know that I can,,, but,,, so far as the replies here go, the impact of divorce being a better situation is the exception, not the rule as the common wisdom would have us believe.

And no, I can't see that you are a whinner,,, little or otherwise,,, just because your situation wasn't as severe or harsh as some other does not lessen the impact that it had/has on you.

Excellent thread by the way.

Thanks for the sentiment about my whining; it was appreciated.

As to divorce being better for the kids, I agree that, after reading the replies here, most of the "kids" here were obviously better off. Those Heavy Issues (alcoholism, physical abuse, etc.) weigh the scales without question toward the benefical divorce side.

However, I said I wasn't going to start preaching about the "evils of divorce (where Heavy Issues are not involved). So I'm not going to.

So there aren't any more people whose parents were divorced for "non-serious" reasons?

 

[Mia]

My parents divorced for “non-serious” reasons. They had an arranged marriage and divorce was hinted at every five years. Yet they still managed to stay married for twenty years. I was shocked when six months after I had moved out they filed for divorce. I asked my mother why then after all these years. She replied, “You were the glue that kept us together. Once you were gone, we were two strangers living under the same roof with no interest in rediscovering each other.”

From an early age I knew that my parents loved each other as family do but that they were not in love with each other. I felt a tremendous amount of guilt over the divorce. I also resented their timing, considering my newfound happiness, and perceived it as an act of selfishness. With therapy I’ve since gotten over my resentment but it has coloured my own marriage. I have vowed never to stay married for the sake of the children. They are smarter than we give them credit for and they don’t need to be burdened with the fact that they are the “glue”.


[Edited by Mia on 09-14-2000 at 03:27 PM]

 

[Expertise]

Jesus. Send me his card Mia.

 

[Mia]

Sorry

I realized my error. Please ignore this post.

[Edited by Mia on 09-14-2000 at 03:34 PM]

 

[sallygirl]

My childhood was pretty good. Divorce doesn't really apply to my situation, because hardly anyone in my family seems to believe in getting married in the first place. I have known so very few happily married couples in my life.

My parents were teenagers when they had me and they never married. They split for good when I was four. I remember almost nothing of them together, which is a good thing, from what I've been told. My dad was into "hard" drugs at the time; he only does "soft" ones now. I'm grateful my young mother had the courage to get out of that destructive relationship and I'm certain it was better for me.

My mom and I were lucky enough to live with her parents while I was growing up. They provided a secure and loving environment.

Neither of my parents have ever married, though my dad has lived with his girlfriend for about 15 years. That evil woman was the bane of my existance for many years. I still despise her, though I no longer fear her. Her abuse was only verbal, but I blame her for my low self-esteem and many of the insecurities I still carry with me.

My mother has had a string of boyfriends over the years, most of them alcoholics. Only one of them ever lived with us. He was a binge drinker and would disappear for weeks, until he was broke or arrested. But he was a really nice guy when sober!

MY OPINION: I think sometimes divorce (or separation) is good and necesary for a child's well-being. BUT the parents must be very careful in their choice of future partners, because their relationships can have enormous impact on their children.

[Edited by sallygirl on 09-14-2000 at 04:27 PM]

 

[FlamingoBlue]

And what exactly is a "broken home"???

And what exactly is an "intact family"? Just because Mom and Dad decide to stay together "for the sake of the children", does it make it any easier on the children when they yell and scream and physically assault each other? Is that less traumatic than if Mom and Dad divorced and the violence ceased?

I am very familar with Dr. Wallerstien's fine studies and I agree with her that divorce leaves its mark on the children, but after 32 years of working as an attorney specializing in high conflict divorce, I can say, UNEQUIVOCALLY, that it is better for the children if the parents split before they "kill" each other, and the children.

High conflict divorce and its impact on children, is the topic of a book by Dr. Janet Johnston. It is the conflict and NOT the divorce that has the devastating impact on the children. Sure, divorce impacts kids, financially and emotionally. But conflict beween parents emotionally scars children beyond anyone's comprehension.

Let me tell you something, folks. I was divorced 12 years ago. My children are now 27 and 29. My former wife and I are very close friends. She will always be the mother of my children and I will always be their father. And I will always love and respect her. That's just the way it is! But I could NEVER be married to her.

So, does divorce impact children? Certainly. Is the impact always negative? That entirely depends upon how much the parents love their children and are able to seperate their feelings about their spouse from their feelings about the other parent. Is it easy? No, but it sure is the right thing to do.

My daughter is currently in a committed relationship with a young man. They are living together and attempting to build a strong foundation for a marriage. They both come from families where the parents are divorced. Are they "gunshy"? Absoutely. Are they acting with greater emotional intelligence than their parents? You bet. Am I supportive? You better believe it and I help them and answer questions whenever I can.

My divorce has had, and will continue to have a positive long term impact on my children's lives. That is because they have learned from my experience and seen how I can love their mother, even after I have divorced her. I don't call that a "broken home".

blue

[Edited by FlamingoBlue on 09-14-2000 at 09:38 PM]

 

[wild_jay]

Skibum may be on to something. Poverty and adversity either pulls you apart or strengthens you. I've been through it several times, my father dying while I was quite young leaving us broke, my mother remarrying into an abusive relationship and divorcing in my early teens leaving us broke, leaving home in my late teens due to family problems and being broke, and then finally going through a bankruptcy due to a business failure and having to survive on welfare (with a family of four).

Each time was very, very difficult and not an experience I would wish on anyone, friend or foe.

But strange as it may seem the times with no money, uncertainty with the future, all passed and have left me with the recollection that these were the times that made me stronger, made our family stronger. We were never so close, so willing to sacrifice to get things done, as we were when were facing tough times.