Are they ever easy...

[kiten69]

Divorces that is

i would love to be able to remain friends with my future ex, but he is making it damn near impossible. He acts like a child and tries to bait me into arguments on a daily basis. Not to mention we have kids and 10+ years invested in each other...i just thought he'd be more grown up about it is all. I am writing this because i tried my R/L friends on the phone and all are busy...Lit is the next best place for support. Any advice on how to keep my sanity in check is most appreciated. Thanks for listening to my vent...there will prolly be more before this whole nasty mess is said and done.

 

[impressive]

 

[kiten69]

Thanks...

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

They are rarely easy when kids are involved. At least one of the parties is usually irrational, and they often hate each others' guts and care more about "winning" and getting back at the other than the kids. There are exceptions.

See these theads for some input:

Seeking advice on the Divorce-from-Hell
https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=455255

The "I Accept My Powerlessness to Change the Other Person" thread https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=441499

and this post:
https://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=17924988&postcount=29287

A line from the woman in the divorce from hell: "If I try to rehash all the lies and bad things the ex is doing and all the things I should say, etc/, my al-anon (codependency program) sponsor will say, 'For someone who you're trying to get out of your life this person sure occupies a lot of space in your head."

I said this about the referenced threads and post recently to someone elso having a tough time here:

I am not one of those starry-eyed twelve step "'droids" - I've never had the need for either the alchy or co-dependent version, and I realize that it's not hugely sophisticated and may involve some (benign) hehaviorist tricks. But I watched the effect it had on the woman described in the linked post there, changing her from someone phychologically beaten down into a powerful person, and it all came about because of a change in the way she viewed and thought about her situation and the people in her life. After the fact the new habits of thought seem like a "Duh!" but going in they seemed impossible.

This post may seem like it's not responsive to your thread, but it really is.

Good luck and best wishes.

 

[kiten69]

They are rarely easy when kids are involved. At least one of the parties is usually irrational, and they often hate each others' guts and care more about "winning" and getting back at the other than the kids. There are exceptions.

See these theads for some input:

Seeking advice on the Divorce-from-Hell
https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=455255

The "I Accept My Powerlessness to Change the Other Person" thread https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=441499

and this post:
https://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=17924988&postcount=29287

Good luck and best wishes.

It is not that i hate his guts...but damn he is making it hard to even be around him, even if it is for the kids. He is so angry ALL THE TIME!!! And it is feeling like it is really starting to wear me down *sighs*

Thanks for the links Roxanne

 

[rgraham666]

Speaking from my side of the gender wars, no, it isn't.

Mine was dropped on me one day. My ex said she was leaving, and in two days she was gone. I think I've only seen her twice since then and the last time was over ten years ago.

It was an quick divorce but not easy. I didn't have time to get mad, too much pain involved. But I got plenty angry later.

That's where his anger come from, in my opinion. He's hurting, but as a guy, he isn't allowed to hurt. Anger is allowable, pain isn't.

It doesn't get easier, but it gets over. Remember that.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

It's always tough, Kitn

It's like saying "YOU FUCKING FAILED". And that's hard on everyone, especially the kids.

I'm sorry to hear this

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

It is not that i hate his guts...but damn he is making it hard to even be around him, even if it is for the kids. He is so angry ALL THE TIME!!! And it is feeling like it is really starting to wear me down *sighs*

Thanks for the links Roxanne

Kiten - just in case you missed, I added a little edit to my post.

You need to ask yourself why he's always angry. It's not for any particular cause or rational reason - it's stuff that goes back to his own childhood. You probably can't do anything to help him at this point. Looking out for yourself in the manner suggested in my references is the best thing you can do for him, actually, because if you get your own thought processes going in useful directions then you will be in better position to help him, if he is at all open to it. That's up to him, though - there is nothing you can do to make him wanna do it, and the harder you try now the worse it will make him.

 

[LadyCibelle]

What I'm about to say might not sound helpful to you right now but believe me, I'm talking from experience.

The only time a divorce is ever easy, it's when love has completely died. As long as there is love, there will be hate, contempt and annoyance.

Once love dies, there aren't any reasons anymore to make it hard on anybody. When I say love dies, I mean, the love that made you husband and wife, a couple for all those years. That love that held you together is the same one that now is making your divorce hard to deal with.

It's an sad fact, I know, but it's the truth.

Your soon-to-be ex is probably so 'angry all the time' as you say because the wound (divorce talk, proceedings etc..) is still too fresh for him and he doesn't know how to express his pain in any other way.

Keep in mind that no matter if the divorce decision was his or not, it's nonetheless a traumatic, life-changing experience. His anger could be an undelying signs of his ambivalence too. He loves you but he hates you too.

I went through it a few years ago. It's not easy, there are lots of tears that will be shed before the storm is over, believe me, I know, but you'll find peace and calm soon.

If you ever need a ear or a shoulder to cry on....I'm just a PM away.

Take care.

 

[kiten69]

It doesn't get easier, but it gets over. Remember that.

this has been coming for years, it is not something that was just dropped on either of us...but in my heart of hearts i know it is the best thing for he and i. TY rg that is a great quote.

 

[kiten69]

It's always tough, Kitn

It's like saying "YOU FUCKING FAILED". And that's hard on everyone, especially the kids.

I'm sorry to hear this

 

[kiten69]

Kiten - just in case you missed, I added a little edit to my post.

You need to ask yourself why he's always angry. It's not for any particular cause or rational reason - it's stuff that goes back to his own childhood. You probably can't do anything to help him at this point. Looking out for yourself in the manner suggested in my references is the best thing you can do for him, actually, because if you get your own thought processes going in useful directions then you will be in better position to help him, if he is at all open to it. That's up to him, though - there is nothing you can do to make him wanna do it, and the harder you try now the worse it will make him.

Yes Rox there are things of a personal nature that happened in his past...but i have grown weary of asking, begging him to get the help he needs and have come to the realization that i can NOT drag him with me and i can NOT make him change...

 

[kiten69]

If you ever need a ear or a shoulder to cry on....I'm just a PM away.

Take care.

TY Lady...this was helpful i understood what you were talking about clearly

TY all really... for all!!!

 

[sexywench1961]

Speaking from experience......

Although I respect what LadyC said, I disagree with her statement. Divorce is not easy when love is completely dead and I can tell you this from experience.

I stopped loving my x and he stopped loving me, however, he refused to proceed with divorce although he knew it was the right thing for us both out of complete selfishness. For him to loose me meant loosing alot of things-- he did not care about love at this point. It was all about how divorce was going to affect him financially because the shit had been living off of me for a long time. He was more worried about where he was going to live, how he was going to eat, pay a bill, etc., more than anything else (I want to state there was nothing wrong with him - it's just easier for some people to live off someone else).

When I visited my divorce lawyer, I asked how difficult the process was going to be and he said, usually when both parties are in agreement it's pretty smooth and done quickly but if one partner holds out for whatever reason, then everything will drag out for months and even years. Mine took years - why? Because he wanted 1/2 of everything I had worked my butt of for and I refused to give it to him. I typed a 10 page document to the court explaining why I felt he should not be entitled to a dime of my money, but our court system is a bit f*** up and although the judge agreed with me, the law is the law and judges have to proceed based on what's "law", not reality.

There was a couple who my lawyer was working with. They met with him and told him they wanted everything split right down the middle and they told him neither had hard feelings because their marriage had fallen apart. They wanted to proceed with the divorce with dignity and they wanted to get it over as quickly as possible...and they did. Within 6 months it was over and they moved on.

A divorce is easy only when two adults involved can accept, agree and realize that once your marriage and the love you had for each other is long gone and dead then nothing else is left.

For people who have children, they need to put whatever anger there is aside and concentrate on making the change in everyones lives as easy as possible. A good divorce is possible.

I wish you the best of luck. If you need any support or if you have questions I'd be happy to respond.

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

"The only time a divorce is ever easy, it's when love has completely died. As long as there is love, there will be hate, contempt and annoyance."

I think this could be true in some cases, but I've seen many where love is completely dead and has been for a long time, and it is like Stalingrad and Gettysburg all rolled into one. The parties hate each other, or at least one hates the other, and it is vicious.

While giving support at the divorce from hell this week I popped into several other courtrooms where domestic actions were underway - petitions to lower child support, hearings to adjudicate visitation disputes, one divorce in which the 16 year old daughter came out sobbing, and the divorce from hell, of course - a full blown Kramer vs. Kramer but with out the wit and cleverness. What I saw were a lot of children in adult bodies, irrational people, and people carrying their own childhood junk through life and making sure to pass it on to the next generation. I didn't see much love.

(The weeping daughter case - I asked the bailiff what the deal was. The wife filed, the dad didn't want it, and neither did the adolescent kids. I asked the bailiff if she had a boyfriend. He was embarassed to say - he was an older black gentleman - but pulled the guy in our party aside and whispered, "Apparently she's been giving out free samples all over town.")

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

Never easy from what I have seen. Even if simple, they are still tough on people's feelings. Especially when the ex doesn't give up after he signs the papers. That much I have seen. Don't mean to be harsh, but if he still wanted his wife, he should have treated her better while they were together. But that's a different couple that I am thinking of here. It's just one example that I have seen.

 

[Tom Collins]

The only diveorce I've ever been party to was my parents'. It happened back in late 2000, and I feel certain that it wouldn't have happened at all if I hadn't facilitated it. By "facilitated" I mean, I got it for them. My mom said she wanted a diveorce and my dad said ok then both of them proceeded to do nothing...aside from her constantly screaming for no reason, such as us being out of milk and no one spring up to drive 30 miles there and back to get it for her...and I got sick of it after about 4 months of this bullshit so I went online and found all the forms, printed them, filled them out then brought them to each of them to be signed. Once I had the sigs in the right spots I sent them off to a lawyer in Mexico and waited for the paperwork asying it was over to come back.

The funny thing is that talking with them individually later I found out that each of them thought that I was playing the go between for the other. They each thought the other had taken care of it all, but didn't want to bring the paperwork to them. They were both stunned to find out that they were diveorced because their daughter had taken matter into her own hands since neitehr of them had the balls to really take care of it on their own.

For my dad's part, I think it was that he really didn't want to admit that his mariage had completely failed after 34 years. For my mother's part, I think it was that she was used to my dad handeling everything. I don't think it even occured to her to try and get it done herself.

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

The only diveorce I've ever been party to was my parents'. It happened back in late 2000, and I feel certain that it wouldn't have happened at all if I hadn't facilitated it. By "facilitated" I mean, I got it for them. My mom said she wanted a diveorce and my dad said ok then both of them proceeded to do nothing...aside from her constantly screaming for no reason, such as us being out of milk and no one spring up to drive 30 miles there and back to get it for her...and I got sick of it after about 4 months of this bullshit so I went online and found all the forms, printed them, filled them out then brought them to each of them to be signed. Once I had the sigs in the right spots I sent them off to a lawyer in Mexico and waited for the paperwork asying it was over to come back.

The funny thing is that talking with them individually later I found out that each of them thought that I was playing the go between for the other. They each thought the other had taken care of it all, but didn't want to bring the paperwork to them. They were both stunned to find out that they were diveorced because their daughter had taken matter into her own hands since neitehr of them had the balls to really take care of it on their own.

For my dad's part, I think it was that he really didn't want to admit that his mariage had completely failed after 34 years. For my mother's part, I think it was that she was used to my dad handeling everything. I don't think it even occured to her to try and get it done herself.

Damn, that must have been surreal.

It was bad enough for me when my parents ALMOST got divorced. Seeing the paperwork that my dad never signed or filled out was a jolt, as was knowing that he was sleeping on the couch. I knew because I was dealing with serious insomnia at the time over my own women troubles (another story). Of course, I was 14 and a preacher's son, so seeing this side of my Baptist fundamentalist parents was shocking indeed. I certainly wasn't in the mood to facilitate, so I applaud you for doing what had to be done. In my parents' case, of course, it wasn't necessary. It was just stupid of my dad. He fell for a lunatic and nearly left my mother for her. I've always wondered why, but I'll never know, because I don't want to dredge that time back up with them. Mom's been through enough and they have been together still another 16 years.

Not that I deem divorce immoral, but I don't think that my dad had good cause. Then again, I could be wrong. My brother was another case. He might have done some wrong (as in cheating), but he never should have married his ex in the first place. She would have driven any man to cheat or drink. She's that damned evil. Not ugly. Just evil.

 

[cantdog]

Speaking from my side of the gender wars, no, it isn't.

Mine was dropped on me one day. My ex said she was leaving, and in two days she was gone. I think I've only seen her twice since then and the last time was over ten years ago.

It was an quick divorce but not easy. I didn't have time to get mad, too much pain involved. But I got plenty angry later.

That's where his anger come from, in my opinion. He's hurting, but as a guy, he isn't allowed to hurt. Anger is allowable, pain isn't.

It doesn't get easier, but it gets over. Remember that.

I'm so humbled to see how you now refer tothis era, kid. You are wiser every day. I wish all my acquaintances had the cojones to keep learning from life, as you have.

For what it's worth, I love you, and I certainly salute you, Rob.

 

[Tom Collins]

Damn, that must have been surreal.

It was bad enough for me when my parents ALMOST got divorced. Seeing the paperwork that my dad never signed or filled out was a jolt, as was knowing that he was sleeping on the couch. I knew because I was dealing with serious insomnia at the time over my own women troubles (another story). Of course, I was 14 and a preacher's son, so seeing this side of my Baptist fundamentalist parents was shocking indeed. I certainly wasn't in the mood to facilitate, so I applaud you for doing what had to be done. In my parents' case, of course, it wasn't necessary. It was just stupid of my dad. He fell for a lunatic and nearly left my mother for her. I've always wondered why, but I'll never know, because I don't want to dredge that time back up with them. Mom's been through enough and they have been together still another 16 years.

Not that I deem divorce immoral, but I don't think that my dad had good cause. Then again, I could be wrong. My brother was another case. He might have done some wrong (as in cheating), but he never should have married his ex in the first place. She would have driven any man to cheat or drink. She's that damned evil. Not ugly. Just evil.

If you want the truth, Sevy, it was a relief. She'd been screaming and carrying on for years, and each year was worse than the last. It was never a truely happy home, just quiet at times. Don't forget that I was 28 at the time, so I definitely wasn't a kid.

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

If you want the truth, Sevy, it was a relief. She'd been screaming and carrying on for years, and each year was worse than the last. It was never a truely happy home, just quiet at times. Don't forget that I was 28 at the time, so I definitely wasn't a kid.

That would make a difference, yes. I don't envy you that. But in your case, you did the right thing. Like I said, there are times to divorce. Sounds like such a case.

I just know that it was something else to a 14 year old. Of course, I'll never know the whole background, but that's almost certainly for the best. As it was, I was upset.

 

[Tom Collins]

That would make a difference, yes. I don't envy you that. But in your case, you did the right thing. Like I said, there are times to divorce. Sounds like such a case.

I just know that it was something else to a 14 year old. Of course, I'll never know the whole background, but that's almost certainly for the best. As it was, I was upset.

Believe me when I say that you don't want to know the depths of your parents. It makes it very hard to feel the same way about them. The world turns on it's edge when your parents suddenly become every day people in your mind. It's a dog that's best left to sleep quietly on the porch in the sun.

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

Believe me when I say that you don't want to know the depths of your parents. It makes it very hard to feel the same way about them. The world turns on it's edge when your parents suddenly become every day people in your mind. It's a dog that's best left to sleep quietly on the porch in the sun.

Yes, I'm sure that you're right. It's one time where ignorance really IS bliss.

 

[cantdog]

The only diveorce I've ever been party to was my parents'. It happened back in late 2000, and I feel certain that it wouldn't have happened at all if I hadn't facilitated it. By "facilitated" I mean, I got it for them. My mom said she wanted a diveorce and my dad said ok then both of them proceeded to do nothing...aside from her constantly screaming for no reason, such as us being out of milk and no one spring up to drive 30 miles there and back to get it for her...and I got sick of it after about 4 months of this bullshit so I went online and found all the forms, printed them, filled them out then brought them to each of them to be signed. Once I had the sigs in the right spots I sent them off to a lawyer in Mexico and waited for the paperwork asying it was over to come back.

The funny thing is that talking with them individually later I found out that each of them thought that I was playing the go between for the other. They each thought the other had taken care of it all, but didn't want to bring the paperwork to them. They were both stunned to find out that they were diveorced because their daughter had taken matter into her own hands since neitehr of them had the balls to really take care of it on their own.

For my dad's part, I think it was that he really didn't want to admit that his marriage had completely failed after 34 years. For my mother's part, I think it was that she was used to my dad handeling everything. I don't think it even occured to her to try and get it done herself.

This is an extraordinary story, kid.

Hugs to you.

 

[Tom Collins]

Yes, I'm sure that you're right. It's one time where ignorance really IS bliss.

Verily, I say.

This is an extraordinary story, kid.

Hugs to you.

Virtual hugs are ever so nice. Thanks, Cant.

I do wonder though...is kid just a term you use or what cuz I really don't think I'm very mucg younger than you are...if at all. Not that I mind. Just curious is all.