Are submissives allowed expectations...

[JFJ_sub]

...and if we have them, are we wrong? If the expectation was created by our Dominant, then is it okay to believe in him? If the expectation was based on a promise he made freely and he breaks that promise, is a submissive wrong to be disappointed or hurt? Is a submissive allowed anger *if* that anger is based on a trust that was broken? Or is our acceptance of a Dominant contingent on a perfectionistic & always respectful love that whatever he does is okay? If he believes our expectation or disappointment is unreasonable or undeserved, then what is a submissive's next step in healing herself?

Been a long 24 hours...

 

[museofdragon]

If a promise or trust is broken, ANYONE has a right to be angry and disappointed. Being submissive, slave, pet or property does not make you less than human. A D/s relationship is still a relationship.

i would probably look at different factors (curse of the gemini mind -- seeing all sides). Was the promise broken deliberately with an intent to hurt or was it broken based on factors not completely within His control? Did i express my anger/disappointment/hurt in a suitably respectful way? But i freely admit to overthinking things on an appallingly regular basis.

In my relationship with Dragon, i can say anything to Him. It is all about HOW i say it.

As to your original question, you are always entitled to your feelings. How you express them may be an issue. But if your feelings, themselves, are called into question or judged as being right or wrong, that smacks of being domineering rather than dominant.

Just my tuppence, your mileage may vary.

muse

 

[SweetGigi]

Hi JFJ. I'm glad you came here to ask questions. If you need anything else please let us know. We are all about showing support and guidance thru acceptance and understanding. If you are able to possibly expound on your situation a little it might help us help you out more.

As to your questions above: (MY POV)
Are submissives allowed expectations and if we have them, are we wrong?
Yes and No. Yes we can have them and no you aren't wrong. We are allowed to hope, dream, and wish for anything we want. It is a healthy part of being human to have expectations. It helps you grow and become a more well rounded person. Being a bottom holds no precedence over that. You don't give up being you when you submit.

If the expectation was created by our Dominant, then is it okay to believe in him? Absolutely. He is your guardian, your guide, you protector, and your keeper. He should be willing and able to foster in you a willingness to trust him and give over your control to him. If you have issues with that, you need to address them openly and respectfully. Even in 'vanilla' discussions, you must remember your place.

If the expectation was based on a promise he made freely and he breaks that promise, is a submissive wrong to be disappointed or hurt? Of course not, hun. But remember, communication is always the key to any healthy relationship. Broach your feelings with him respectfully and with a measured cool head. Even though he is your top, he should respect your feelings and be open to letting you express them. When you do this, allow him to give you reasons for his choice. Ask questions. Listen intently and remain calm. If he is not willing to give you reasons for his decisions, make sure you ask if this is a lesson in your training. He might be withholding his explanation to teach you something or be withholding his promise as a punishment. Who knows. The only way to find out is to ask.... respectfully.

Is a submissive allowed anger *if* that anger is based on a trust that was broken? Yes. Anger is a healthy emotion and reaction. You just need to make sure you never lash out at your top even if the anger is based in something he did. Think of it reversed. Would you want him to lash out at you for any reason? Of course not. He might be teaching you to feel a gambit of emotions and how to deal with them accordingly. The list of possiblities is endless as to why this is happening. But the best thing you can do in all of this is to always remain calm and cool. You can be mad, hurt and upset, but NEVER take it out on your top.

Is our acceptance of a Dominant contingent on a perfectionistic & always respectful love that whatever he does is okay? *smiles* Since when did your top become a higher being of perfection? (no disrespect intended y'all. ) Hunny, you need to remember that he is human and entitled to mistakes. He may not even realize he broke his promise to you. Love him, yes. Trust him, absolutely. Respect him as he respects you. But never forget that you have an obligation to him (and yourself) to be open and honest with him about EVERYTHING. If you are doubting his guidance because of something he has or has not done, then you need to clear it up NOW before it goes any further. You can build no lasting foundation on shifting sand.

If he believes our expectation or disappointment is unreasonable or undeserved, then what is a submissive's next step in healing herself? If you have approached him and talked to him in a rational and respectful manner and asked for guidance in all this confusion and denial and he still refuses, you need to mebbe rethink whether or not he is the right top for you. I don't know how much you have invested in this relationship, but even if you have shared seven years or seven days with him, you owe it to you and him to be sure this is completely right before going on. If this denial is going to haunt you then you might be in the wrong place. He cannot guide you if you are always gonna be slighted for something he feels is insignificant. Moreover, he should quickly come to realize during your talks that this means a lot to you and either rethink his position, or work harder at helping you understand his. He should NEVER dismiss your feelings or emotions. Not only is that unhealthy for you, but it fosters a breech of trust that MUST be there in order for him to top you. I could never submit myself to a man I couldn't trust to honor my feelings and desires.

anyone else have anything to add or take away?

 

[BiBunny]

I'm human first, and B's slave second. I'm allowed to have any emotions or expectations that any other person has. Right now, I have beef with him that we're going to talk about soon because he's falling short of my expectations. He's always told me to never be afraid to bring anything to him, and I'm not.

 

[serijules]

My favourite quote, and something I strive to live by in my relationship is "it's not the fact you are hurt that counts, but only how do you take it?"

Submissive, slave, toy, pet...whathaveyou. Whatever label you identify with, you have the right to your feelings, no matter if they are unpractical, unfair, bitchy, needy, clingy, negative...you have a right to them. They are your feelings.

It's what you do with them that matters to most dominants.

I'm a very sensitive person - VERY! - and I am easily hurt by things Ma'am does or does not do. She allows me these feelings and even insists that I share them with her rather than withholding them, BUT...I am not allowed to be disrespectful or rude or lose sight of my service and her expectations of me just because of those feelings. Her expectations come first. For us, that is a hard-set rule in our relationship.

I can expect her to listen and hear me out when I'm upset. I cannot expect her to change the way she acts or the things she does just because I am upset about them.

I can expect her to keep me safe in what she chooses to do with me. I cannot expect her to stop doing something she wishes to do just because I don't like it or it hurts.

I can expect her to fulfill some basic needs of mine mentally and physically; I can expect her to always consider my wellbeing. I cannot necessarily dictate what those basic needs are, nor can I expect her to know when there is a problem unless I communicate that problem to her honestly and openly.

It's not what you feel, it's what you do with those feelings. Expectations work much the same way. If you have certain expectations of your partner and they have no been discussed prior to problems arising, take that into consideration when you feel hurt or angry or upset and realize they need to be discussed and talked about before your feelings are really justified.

 

[nh23]

I think Gigi said it all... very wise advice.

 

[SephStarr]

A D/s relationship is still a relationship.

Exactly what I was thinking. You are a human being with your own needs and requirements. There's not a lot I can say here that hasn't already been said, but I just wanted to add my support to the comments of others.

 

[myinnerslut]

i was going to start a thread like this a few days ago but never got time to, so i have some thoughts on the subject. now though, i am dead tired and need to tke advantage of the hour i have now to take a nap before i die, but i will be back later with thoughts....

 

[graceanne]

You are allowed to feel anyway you want. Period.

 

[JupitersGirl]

You are allowed to feel anyway you want. Period.

I think you were aptly named, graceanne.

You have a way with words that cuts to the chase. My only addition would be to communicate those feelings with respect. When you let yourself get angry, you allow the anger to take control. Doesn't sound right, does it?

 

[graceanne]

I think you were aptly named, graceanne.

You have a way with words that cuts to the chase. My only addition would be to communicate those feelings with respect. When you let yourself get angry, you allow the anger to take control. Doesn't sound right, does it?

While you are allowed to feel anyway you want, and all feelings are valid and ok, you are still responsible for your actions.

Oh, and thanks. But it's not my real name. lol

 

[IsabellaSnow]

While you are allowed to feel anyway you want, and all feelings are valid and ok, you are still responsible for your actions.

Agreed.

 

[ChainedRebel]

Submissive does not, in fact rarely, equals slave. The term slave gets tossed around a lot any more but more often than not it should be "submissive" instead. True slaves are in a completely different category surrendering everything from their finances to their choice of friends to their bathroom breaks to their Master/Mistress.

I say this because unless you are in a slave relationship or something very similar with pre-determined and extremely well understood guidlelines, then of course a submissive is allowed all of those things.

In fact, for me, the true beauty, the true freedom in submission is BECAUSE of all the emotions a person has.

Submissives come in many flavors from the very, very timid and weak to the fiercely independent, strong-willed, bit-fighters. BDSM is not a one size fits all endevour. It is unique to the individual and the relationships of its participants.

 

[JFJ_sub]

Thank you so much to all of you who responded. Given me a lot to think about and analyze not just within myself but in my relationship with him as well. Luckily we are coming up on a weekend and i will be able to communicate with him more than i would during the week. Started last night writing my thoughts/feelings down in my journal so i can hopefully have what i want to say and in the best way to say it when i talk to him. Again, thank you for being so kind.

 

[SweetGigi]

no worries, love. Let us know what we can do to help. Also let us know what happens.

*hugs*

 

[wenchhh]

Gigi, how are you doing hon? You were on my mind this morning. How is your "situation"? HUGS

 

[Toa_lin]

HELL YES they're allwoed expectations. HELL YES they are allwoed to get angry if the trust is broken. HELL YES to all of htat except your last sentences about having a perfectionist view of us Ds.

Why? Simple. A submissive gives up her control to her Dominant, but in return the Dominant must then take care of the submissive. Any trust lost, any promise broken, is when teh Dominant failed in his duty, adn as such, the submissive has a right to express her/his feelings, and even get angry. For jsut as Dominants punish their submissives when they mess up, I feel that subies should be-able to punish their Dominants back when the D failed in his/her duty. it may not be as physical, (aka whipping, caning, paddling, etc.) But still, it's well within your right to get mad, to get frusterated, to yell at etc. if he's broken a promise, especially if it's multiple times.


Again, this is just my oppinion, and I know there are those out there who prolly disagree with me. But I can't see how it can truly b a relationship if everything is just simply one way, if so, then it's more like a (excuse the math relativeness i'm going into) a function, not a relation.

 

[SweetGigi]

Gigi, how are you doing hon? You were on my mind this morning. How is your "situation"? HUGS

I am doing ok I suppose. still lots of tears, and I'm not sleeping well, but I know I'll be ok.

how are you?

 

[FurryFury]

IMO, subs are still fully functioning people with every right to expectations and feelings. As always it's what we do about our expectations and feelings that matter but are they allowed or legitimate, damned right. Sub should not be doormats.

Also IMO, Doms have a responsibility to make certain that their sub feels comfortable and has a process through which s/he can communicate feelings to the Dom without fear of reprisal.

Fury

 

[Toa_lin]

IMO, subs are still fully functioning people with every right to expectations and feelings. As always it's what we do about our expectations and feelings that matter but are they allowed or legitimate, damned right. Sub should not be doormats.

Also IMO, Doms have a responsibility to make certain that their sub feels comfortable and has a process through which s/he can communicate feelings to the Dom without fear of reprisal.

Fury

Agreed, and to simply make it simple, I've told my pyl to just tell me she needs some time to express herself. We sit down, and then she has full reign to express her feelings anyway nescesary.

For some reason, when given this outlet, she's never really been that mad during it, she knows she can say whatever she needs to, so says what she needs to far calmer then she would if she felt I wasn't trying to let her. (*hint hint wink wink* to all those PYLs out there looking for a way to avoid the large "chewing out sessions")

 

[Etoile]

...and if we have them, are we wrong? If the expectation was created by our Dominant, then is it okay to believe in him? If the expectation was based on a promise he made freely and he breaks that promise, is a submissive wrong to be disappointed or hurt? Is a submissive allowed anger *if* that anger is based on a trust that was broken? Or is our acceptance of a Dominant contingent on a perfectionistic & always respectful love that whatever he does is okay? If he believes our expectation or disappointment is unreasonable or undeserved, then what is a submissive's next step in healing herself?

Submissives are not perfect, period. You are never wrong to have expectations, they are a normal part of processing the world around you.
Dominants are not perfect, period. They should not be expected to always have to meet expectations, because sometimes other things (including whims) get in the way.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Submissives are not perfect, period. You are never wrong to have expectations, they are a normal part of processing the world around you.
Dominants are not perfect, period. They should not be expected to always have to meet expectations, because sometimes other things (including whims) get in the way.

What a great answer!