are my stories good enough

[father bob]

I'm new to writing stories but I do have a good imagination.
Be truthful, I'll ecept any advise and even suggestions or ideas for my next story. thank you

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

FB,

You'll have a better chance of getting some response if you post the URL to your story along with it's name and category.

RF

 

[damppanties]

Father Bob's memberpage

Four stories posted:
1. Cindy Ch. 1 - NonConsent
2. Keeping A Promise - Erotic Couplings
3. My Morning Of Light (The Story) - Incest
4. My Mother's New Lover - Incest

One poem:
My Morning Of Light - Erotic Poetry

Take your pick.

It only looks like I have a lot of free time. I don't.

-DP.

 

[damppanties]

Hi again,

This time I'm here to comment on your story - 'Keeping A Promise'.

You badly need an editor. I counted so many typos and grammar mistakes that I can't even begin to list them here. Your senteces and paragraphs also need tightening up.

I didn't like the beginning. You confused me. At first, I didn't understand that Jeff and Sharon were Beth's kids. You didn't have to tell us about them. There was absolutely no need. In fact, I was confused a lot throughout your story.

I didn't like the ending either. It seems like you decided to give Kevin a good reputation in the end. The problem was, it just doesn't fit. His character is of the villian in the story, don't change it suddenly in the last paragraph. I simply didn't believe it.

I don't know how to put this but your story wasn't 'flowing'. It went rudely in jerks that were quite jarring to me as a reader. Don't worry, working with a good editor will resolve that.

OK, now for the good part (this should have come in earlier, right?) It was hot. I enjoyed bits and peices of it. I read your one and only poem too. Like it And you do have a good imagination.

So with a LOT of work you can really do much better than this.

Keep writing.

-DP.

 

[sirhugs]

I agree with damp that your style needs work. I found " Cindy" the most successful effort, which is odd, because generally I don't care for Non-Consent. Something about the breathless rush of your style conveyed a realism in that story. Like damp says about " Promise", it's hot. For that quality alone, and that success, I want to see more of your work.

It doesn't work as well in the other stories. I will not rerun damp's excellent points. They apply as well to the stories she does not review.

I dislike the many one sentence paragraphs. They are too choppy to read well- remember, on screen, we scan, unlike reading a book.

I suspect you write, but do not rewrite, or not effectively. That may be the source of the trouble. One writer's manual I read says in draft 1, just spill out the story. In draft two, move the components into logical order, thinking like your audience. In draft 3, address structure. In draft 4, fix typos, spelling, etc. In draft 5, polish.

My biggest trouble is falling in love with my words. They become children. I love them. I want to nurture each of them. Brutality is the essence of editing.

Hope this helps.

 

[ladyphoenix]

father bob's "Cindy"

Dear father bob,
I wonder if it’s a good question to ask: “are my stories good enough?” Ultimately that question can only be answered by you. The real question is, “good enough for who?”. Are you writing for yourself, or for others? Is your ultimate purpose to please yourself? To get good scores (i.e., approval?)

Your opening needs to be sharper; more active:
“The music was pumping. The crowd was in a mild frenzy, the Red Hot Chili Peppers weaving their spell over the crowd. Everyone was jumping and nodding as if they were head-bangers gone mad.”

“…eyeing all the girls WHO were jumping and jiggling around the dance floor. That’s when I saw her. Golden, wavy hair, slim waistline and a set of legs that went on for a delicious length, all the way to the beautiful curvature of her ass.” She was a knockout, and every time she jumped into the air her skirt flew up, showing smooth tanned skin and white knickers damply clinging to her skin with sweat.”

I had no idea who this main character was…a teacher? Another student? It’s unclear.

Cindy should always be capitalized, as well as other proper names.

“Okay, but if you see him, scream. I’ll come running.”

“He’s probaly (sic) has gone home to sulk, I can’t find him anywhere”. said claire as she stood next to Rhonda. This really says “He has probably has gone home…” since “He’s” is “He has” (or “He is”), so it’s redundant. Also the punctuation should be, “He’s probably gone home to sulk. I can’t find him anywhere,” Claire said, standing next to Rhonda.

“So my sister Claire was in it as well, man was she going to pay for keeping me away from Cindy” I thought to myself as I watched Cindy walk towards me. THOUGHTS IN SINGLE QUOTE MARKS: SPEECH IN DOUBLES. This should be:
‘So my sister Claire was in it as well. Man was she going to pay for keeping me away from Cindy,’ I thought to myself, watching Cindy walk TOWARD me.

IT IS ALWAYS TOWARD….NEVER TOWARDS.

“I hugged the wall as I watched Cindy walked behind a bush…” should be “Hugging the wall, I watched Cindy WALK behind a bush…”

“I heard the trickled of urine become a downpour and listened to Cindy give out a sigh of relief as she emptied out her bladder.” Should be, “I heard the TRICKLE of urine and listened to Cindy sigh in relief as she emptied her bladder.”

The references to her urinating in terms of “downpour” and “waterfall” are way too heavy.

“Cindy’s breathing became more heavier…” should be “Cindy’s breathing became heavier…”

“My cock protested it confinements…” should be “My cock protested it’s confinement…”

“…even more wetter…” should be “even wetter”

Okay, from here I’m just reading and giving impressions…

“cuntial canal”??????


Well, to answer the question, yes and no. Yes, your story is “good enough” masturbatory material, if that was it’s purpose, but no, it wasn’t my cup of tea. Your grammar and spelling and punctuation need a great deal of work, and I don’t think this belongs in the category of “Non Consent”. She didn’t really object; she didn’t cry out or make any real protests. She didn’t try to scream; she wasn’t afraid (he said he wouldn’t hurt her and her response was, “I know.”). And of course in the end (no pun intended) she was begging for it. Hell, in the beginning she was “moaning” for his fingers.

Overall, disappointing. Edit, edit and then edit again. It’s the only way to go.

best,
ladyp