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Are most wannabe femsubs like this too?

RavenSpirit2k4

RavenSpirit2k4

Domina della Ombra
Joined
Jun 6, 2004
Posts
2,456
Well, I'm not having a good day. Things have been complicated lately, and now it turns out we're even more broke than we thought. Oh joy.

Anyway, just a few minutes ago, I turned Trillian on. I was immediately pounced on by a guy who says he wants me to be his domme after reading my posts here. No, he hasn't registered to place a personal. Being a basically nice person, I humored him enough to try to tell him what was the best way to go about getting a domme and how to word a personal.

We weren't into the conversation 5 minutes before I saw what his problem was. "I want, I want, I want... ". No thought to what he would do just to please his Mistress. It was all about him and his fantasies.

So I got mad and told him that no domme in her right mind would want to be used as a masturbatory tool like that, and he was just a kinky version of the guys who use girls for sex in high school. Then I put him on ignore.

To clarify what pisses me off so much about this, 4 out of evey 5 guys who contact me are like him. They just want me to fulfill their femdom fantasies and don't really give a crap about pleasing me. I mean, I'm not an "it's ALL about me" domme; I do take my subs' needs and wants into account, but my wants and needs count. Mistress comes first, in more ways than one.

Now, even though I'm bi, my sexual experiences with women have been few and far between, most of them back in my vanilla days. But I'm wondering - are the majority of wannabe femsubs out there like this too, or is it more common in wannabe male subs?

And to the male subs who might read this - if you're not like this, :kiss: . I wish all the luck in the world in getting a Mistress. When placing a personal or talking to a domme, say you're not just seeking to live out your kinky fantasies but truly wish to please her.

If you are like this... why don't we have a givin' the fingr emoticon? Save your money and go to a pro. Leave us non-pros alone; there's nothing in it for us, and we don't need this crap.
 
Yes, there are femsubs like this, too, pagen.

Or I should clarify this by saying, there are females who present themselves as submissives and behave like this, too.

It's basically topping from the bottom.
 
even as a fellow sub....there are equal portions of the wannabes in both fem subs and male subs. It's unfortunate, and I don't know how many times I've gotten fed up with them and ignored them.

I go to great lengths to not be like that. yes, I have wants and needs, but Master's come first.
 
We have gotten male subs and femsubs like that ... which is hysterical, because we are quite clear everywhere that we post that we do not want fem at all. People are selfish and stupid ... they only see what the porn industry has put out, and most of the softer side at that ...

Basically, you did the right thing - just make sure that you have enough room in your iggy bin for them all ... Ours got full and we had to clean it out (fortunately, none of the ones that we took out have bothered us since then).
 
I try not to use the term "wannabe" because I'm not in a position to make that judgement of someone. We are discussing people who are online.

I do think there are many who present themselves as something they are not. I also think there are many who have a different understanding of what a D/s relationship is. Those who enter into a conversation and begin with "I want" are topping from the bottom and obviously don't know any better.
 
Hmmm... I know I've certainly never asked a domme in that manner - mostly because I have other goals first (first, to try and get a girlfriend PERIOD).

ANywho, that's pretty amateurish how they are approaching it. I'm not gonna use wannabe here, but amateur is a more suiting word

Or k1nk n00b also works too...
 
Thanks, AA. :D

"Topping from the bottom" is a phrase that tends to make me a little suspicious. I've seen a couple of doms who used it when what was really going on is what Desert Rose described in her thread, namely a neglectful dom who didn't care what his sub wanted. I just say they're the sort whose using you.

I never thought of "wannabe" sounding judgmental - I used the term to describe myself before I had any real BDSM experience - but I guess it kind of does. My apologies.

Amateur would be a good term too. As well k1nk n00b. ;)

I guess the sad truth is that most of them just don't know any better. They're of the mindset that compatible kinks is enough and think the participants are just using each other, rather than having a real relationship. They're still seeing potential partners as sexual objects rather than as people. That attitude gets people hurt badly in BDSM. You can't trust or really care about a sexual object, so it doesn't matter much if you harm them, does it?

And yeah, I think women probably are more subtle, or at least most of them.
 
pagan switch said:
Thanks, AA. :D

"Topping from the bottom" is a phrase that tends to make me a little suspicious. I've seen a couple of doms who used it when what was really going on is what Desert Rose described in her thread, namely a neglectful dom who didn't care what his sub wanted. I just say they're the sort whose using you.

I never thought of "wannabe" sounding judgmental - I used the term to describe myself before I had any real BDSM experience - but I guess it kind of does. My apologies.

Amateur would be a good term too. As well k1nk n00b. ;)

I guess the sad truth is that most of them just don't know any better. They're of the mindset that compatible kinks is enough and think the participants are just using each other, rather than having a real relationship. They're still seeing potential partners as sexual objects rather than as people. That attitude gets people hurt badly in BDSM. You can't trust or really care about a sexual object, so it doesn't matter much if you harm them, does it?

And yeah, I think women probably are more subtle, or at least most of them.
Click to expand...

It wasn't judgemental in the context you used it in.

And topping from the bottom is a very grey topic. I guess everyone has a somewhat different view on what it means.

Oh and I forgot to add... I try to wait at least 2 weeks into a relationship before I start topping. ;-D LOL
 
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I guess I am lucky for I have only met a few and when I explain who and what I was they backed off in a hurry....but I have actually been contacted by a few Doms who asked me if I would ever consider switching sides.....now this puzzled me. Nothing in my words or actions would even suggest this. I can't even imagine what it would be like to be with another Dom/Domme. What do you do take turns? That just dosn't fathom in my brain.
There are many Dom/Dommes I would love to talk to and get to know but it has never crossed my mind to want to seduce any of them.....(well not that I would admit anyway)...lol
Scarlett
 
Yeah, I've run into one or two female "subs" online in that category. Generally young, inexperienced or both. Which is yet another reason I prefer older women.
 
There are subs who do a great deal of study and soul searching and lurking before they come out, and those who see a flashing carnival with organ music and fun everywhere and want to jump right in. You can't really fault someone for wanting to have fun. It's up to you how much time you give someone, no matter what side of the road you are on.

EB could sniff them out in 10 seconds.
 
EB?

And I get contacted by doms occasionally too. Because I'm bi - they say they want to work with me. One even emailed me and asked me to train his slave for him. Imagine asking someone you've never met to train your slave! But I've heard from other dommes that they get contacted by doms sometimes too. I don't get that either.

Oh, and for Desert Rose: :kiss: :rose:
 
Not to hijack your thread, pagan ...

...but this is a two way street byt he sounds of it. I have been approached by Dom's with e-mails or PM's such as "email me with your IM addy bitch". Ok, I am a sub not stupid. The response they get to this is a sweet little note stating that my e-mail addy is biteme@nowhere.com which should dissuade even the sadists that are trying to lure unsuspecting subs to their torture chambers.

Then, on the other hand, I receive emails or respond to Dom's requests for a sub and they want me to tell them what I am going to do to them to please them. No how, I ask you, do I know what you prefer and if we are even compatible if I know nothing about you?

Trust is something that is earned not just thrown into the center ring of WD's 3 ring circus.

It's not really a questions of stupid femsubs or ignorant MaleDom's ... it's a question about stuid people being everywhere ... even in this lifestyle, at least in my humble opinion.
 
Re: Not to hijack your thread, pagan ...

Safphyre said:
It's not really a questions of stupid femsubs or ignorant MaleDom's ... it's a question about stuid people being everywhere ... even in this lifestyle, at least in my humble opinion.
Click to expand...

I think that's the answer. There are good apples and bad ones everywhere, in every field and both in vanilla and BDSM circles. I've had males (both Doms and non) assume that since I'm a submissive, that I will follow any order upon gaining that knowledge. They get told 'No' rather politely but firmly.

My trust and ultimately submission is earned. It's a gift, one that I'm very selective about giving out. I want to get to know the Dom before hand, his expectations, wants and needs. He should not expect me to know them automatically. I'm not a mind reader, just as I don't expect him to know my wants and needs immediately. Yes, over time, as in any relationship that grows, that changes as the Dom learns me, who I am, etc. I don't mind a Dom asking me a multitude of questions and strive to answer them as best as I can.

I don't phrase answering those questions as 'I want', more as "I like and enjoy." I need to feel free to ask those same questions to any prospective Dom. What does he like and enjoy? What does he want in a submissive?
 
Re: Not to hijack your thread, pagan ...

Safphyre said:
... Trust is something that is earned not just thrown into the center ring of WD's 3 ring circus...
Click to expand...

WD has a 3 ring circus?

Where can I buy tickets and how come no one told me?
 
Re: Re: Not to hijack your thread, pagan ...

A Desert Rose said:
WD has a 3 ring circus?

Where can I buy tickets and how come no one told me?
Click to expand...
hmmm can you and i be in the center ring?
 
Re: Re: Re: Not to hijack your thread, pagan ...

Kajira Callista said:
hmmm can you and i be in the center ring?
Click to expand...
Absolutely!!! and we don't share it either. It's all ours. :kiss:
 
Re: Re: Re: Not to hijack your thread, pagan ...

Kajira Callista said:
hmmm can you and i be in the center ring?
Click to expand...

We were just chatting about that. Of course you both can.
 
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