Ardenlowe debuting w/Asian fantasies series...

[ardenlowe]

As requested, i've written down several of my tue to life expereinces down for the sake of literary entertainment...I enjoyed writing them, and hope you like reading them...check out Poolside Ride, Joshua's regret, and now "ASian Delight", which just came out....enjoy!
S

 

[*Catbabe*]

There is a link to the stories.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=219478


For me it is very difficult, to enjoy a story when my eyes keep stopping on significant writing errors. I just read the first few paragraphs of "Poolside Ride" and they contained incorrectly placed dialogue, run on sentences and incorrect verb tenses.

If you want to improve your writing I would recommend working with an editor to figure out the mechanics before submitting future stories.

If you just want to share some fantasies, then I am sure you happy with your writing the way it is.

Good luck,
Cat

 

[Rainbow Skin]

Asian Delight

I just read your latest one, Asian Delight, and it didn't have any of the technical faults *Catbabe* saw in the earlier one. (Or so few as to make no difference.) So it looks like you've improved on that score.

The problem now is not technical in that sense (with one exception I'll mention below), but stylistic. The first paragraph is full of good words and descriptions, but it's just too full. You're packing too much introductory description into one place: her hair, eyes, cheekbones, mouth; as well as attitude things like the pout, the frown, the swinging leg. You do want all of that in the story, around here, but just unpacked a bit more. After all, he's been watching her for six months, so you can have him dwell a little more slowly on each part: now drawn to the hair falling over her cheek, now to the rhythmic grace of her leg, and so on.

I like the way you describe her facial expressions (not just the beauty of her face), and things like leg motions: these are the index to the personality, and it really does convey personality in her. (A rare thing in this sort of story.)

But then you give no motivation at all to her picking him up and behaving so blatantly. Later, you do make clear she had also been watching him; but without this knowledge up front, her initial behaviour is thoroughly unrealistic. I mean, okay, it's a fantasy, but you have to give it some plausibility. It shouldn't just fall into place like a dream: it should feel like real life, albeit with a big helping of good luck and happy ending.

I also think that a lot of your descriptions of vivid, electric, stunning feelings are overblown: in a sense it's too full, the way the first paragraph is, and in a sense it's less believable than a more restrained description. But you've chosen to write it like that, and if that's what you want I can't really argue.

Okay, the one technical niggle I mentioned (one example, occurs many times in your story):

“Do you like it?” She asked, softly.

'She asked...' is not a separate sentence. It is a tag attached to her speech. It doesn't begin with a capital letter, and I know your Microslob grammar-checker inserted that for you, but it's wrong. The grammar-checker is evil. Go and look in a real printed book and check. It should be:

"Do you like it?" she asked, softly.

 

[ardenlowe]

Reply....

Style is often a risk that authors take for the cause, or voice, of a story. I was portraying a moment in which there was little coherance at all--the character is overwhelmed by passion, her thoughts are flowing together, etc. This was what i was trying to portray. I am well aware of the technacalities involving grammar and style--as a descriptive writer, writing these kind of stories is not a smooth transition as i like to include description but needed to purge a lot of it to avoid length.

S

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I read "Asian Delight".

I always find it a little off-putting when an author writes about him or herself in third person and tells us how utterly gorgeous and fantastic they are. I assume that the girl is you. I know that most readers wouldn't assume that unless they read your post above, so it's really not a big thing, but still, you seem overly fascinated with the heroine's beauty and sexuality. In fact, it seems to be the main theme of the story. Your male lead is pretty passive and seems to do nothing more than worhsip her and fall in love with her.

I thought the writing was very good, although, as I said, I think you devote too much attention to telling us how beautiful she is. It almost seemed to me like the sex scenes were written by someone else. There's some awkwardness there, almost as if you were in a hurry to get them over with. Again, you concentrate on telling us how fantastic it was for Kevin, how good she was.

My main problem was that I just couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe that she would just walk up to this stranger and start talking with him, and I certainly couldn;t believe that she would take him home and just strip and come on to him like that. That's some pretty extreme behavior and really deserves some explanation. I also couldn't believe that he would start confessing
his love for her just like that, as they're having sex for the first time.

Then, there's no way I can believe the sex, that he screws her non-stop and comes 4 times in the space of maybe an hour. (There's also a discrepancy between how many times he comes. You tell us he came twice and then he's coming for the fourth time) Nor that he fucks her anally and then just pulls out and takes her vaginally. Anyone who's had anal sex should know that you just don't do that, because it leads to very serious vaginal infections. You just don't slam a nine-inch cock into someone's ass either.

I know that this is Literotica and we deal with fantasies here, but still the fantasies should be grounded in reality. There just too much improbable stuff in the story to make it seem true.

Still, you write very well. I just think it needs a little more realism.

---dr.M.

 

[Pure]

Well, you've got great imagination. I agree with rainbow that the basic mechanics are OK. Lots of your descriptions are hot, but they pile on top of one another. Sometimes 'less is more.'

It's very hard to prune one's own prose; it's like cutting flesh; other readers and editors, if listened to, can help, if you're not the type to get 'bruised ego.'

Keep it up.

J.