Arabian Nights - new author, first story

[Teela]

I welcome your comments.

This is my first story - maybe the first of a 1001.

Arabian Nights, in Erotic Couplings
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=207406

Thanks!

Teela

 

[shiresa]

Good story.

Loved the imagery,especially the first paragraph. For some reason I really wanted to put 'simple' in front of dancing girl. Think you might want to get an editor but there was nothing that interrupted the story flow for me.

Technical side: too, many, commas, you ended up with some really long sentences. Doesn't bother me. I didn't even really pick up on it much till I reread it. But the style nazis will hate that. also bet on someone knocking you for present tense. It is apparently unpopular.

But overall thanks for a great read.

I am sure one of the gurus would have better suggestions but that is my two cents.

 

[Hotcappucino]

Lovely story, very rich in detail. Technically speaking, it seems very clean. I'm one of those that prefer stories written in past tense, but present tense was fine here, especially since it was consistent throughout (IMO, though, past tense would read better).

The only thing I personally would liked to have seen was a little more fleshing out of a plot. That is, it's great as a short story, but it's all about the sex (which might not be such a bad thing in most reader's eyes ).

For instance, the last line of the first paragraph was very intriguing:
But this night the tables will be turned and his fate will lie in the small hands of a dancing girl.
It certainly provoked a lot of questions about whether his life was literally in this woman's hands, and about the events that led up to this moment. Perhaps you mean to elucidate this in follow-up stories, but I would have liked to seen more background at the opening to this one, as a build-up to the sex.

Great first story, Teela. Hope you have enough ideas for another thousand nights.

 

[Teela]

Thank you so much for your comments and suggestions. Too many commas? Hmm, I guess that must date me back to the neanderthal days when I was learning the rules of puncuation. I suppose it's changed some since then.

I hadn't thought about fleshing out the story, since I'm one of those that prefer to get right to the sex. But it's an intriguing idea. Should there be more stories about these two particular characters?

Again, thanks - comments appreciated.

Teela