Approved! :)
- Thread starter sdnt
- Start date
Thanks!
elfin_odalisque
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Feb 3, 2004
- Posts
- 10,056
I read 'cornered' but didn't reply as I wasn't sure of your objective.
Your writing is fine but you don't tell a story or develop characters. 'She' and 'Master' remain as 2-D characters we struggle to empathize with. The opening paragraph is confusing as you put it in single,' thought' quotation marks, then use third person. Readers respond better if they relate to 3-D characters.
I think, as often with BDSM, this would be better in first person with 'she' commenting on her Master's actions as they happen. The way you write, you want us to be in the sub's head but you don't put us there.
I'm not advocating a change in perspective or description of physical punishment. Just explain the pain/pleasure dichotomy from a single point of view. With the characters fleshed out a tad.
BTW, I'm no expert in BDSM so my comments may be rubbish.
Just as no-one else is polite enough to try!
Your writing is fine but you don't tell a story or develop characters. 'She' and 'Master' remain as 2-D characters we struggle to empathize with. The opening paragraph is confusing as you put it in single,' thought' quotation marks, then use third person. Readers respond better if they relate to 3-D characters.
I think, as often with BDSM, this would be better in first person with 'she' commenting on her Master's actions as they happen. The way you write, you want us to be in the sub's head but you don't put us there.
I'm not advocating a change in perspective or description of physical punishment. Just explain the pain/pleasure dichotomy from a single point of view. With the characters fleshed out a tad.
BTW, I'm no expert in BDSM so my comments may be rubbish.
Just as no-one else is polite enough to try!
I didn't mean to make it an actual story. The 'thought' quotations are her thoughts. The perspective I meant to keep it such, so the person is looking in. I didn't put much emphasis on the people, because I feel that they should remain undefined as it really isn't about them in this piece. I intended it to be about their relationship and everyday interactions. Thanks for reading and thanks for your feedback
Last edited:
I read "Cornered" too to see what Elfin was on about. I had trouble with it too but on a more basic aspect; it's all tell and no show. You turn a good phrase here and there, but to pull something like this off your prose needs to incredibly sharp. It ain't. To be fair, mine isn't either.
Definitely yes, but there's more to "show, don't tell." Try this: http://www.dailywritingtips.com/show-dont-tell/.
elfin_odalisque
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Feb 3, 2004
- Posts
- 10,056
Yes, I think Paco gives a good steer.
Dialogue, not just grunting and groaning, gets us to understand the interplay between the characters.
When you say it isn't much of a story you kind of say that you are avoiding plot and characterization. That's fine, but don't expect a bundle of votes and comments. We come to read a story with a bit of plot where the sex feeds into a story rather than being a sort of Albert Camus piece.
Dialogue, not just grunting and groaning, gets us to understand the interplay between the characters.
When you say it isn't much of a story you kind of say that you are avoiding plot and characterization. That's fine, but don't expect a bundle of votes and comments. We come to read a story with a bit of plot where the sex feeds into a story rather than being a sort of Albert Camus piece.
sr71plt
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 18, 2006
- Posts
- 51,872
Posting that there is a "we" at Literotica with a single assumption of what they came here to read is presumptuous. Write what you like; there's a healthy-sized audience here for just about any form of erotica (and beyond). As long as you don't expect the heavens and earth to open up for what you write in praise for niche writing, you'll do fine.
Darkniciad
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jun 5, 2005
- Posts
- 7,946
What table are you using to find the various special characters in your sig? I like to use those in my scene breaks, and the more interesting ones such as those are quite difficult to find.
Considering the current contest, I'm especially interested in the recycling symbol *laugh*
Whether they'll display story-side is another question, but there's only one way to find that out, and that's to try it once you have a place to look up the code
What table are you using to find the various special characters in your sig? I like to use those in my scene breaks, and the more interesting ones such as those are quite difficult to find.
Considering the current contest, I'm especially interested in the recycling symbol *laugh*
Whether they'll display story-side is another question, but there's only one way to find that out, and that's to try it once you have a place to look up the code
I just looked up some symbols, and all I had to do was copy & paste.
Similar threads
