Appeal of being sexually controlled and dominated.

[RoughPlay]

What is it about being sexually controlled and dominated that makes
you like it so much?

I can understand the appeal of sexually controlling and dominating a
sub. The sense of power, the sexual arousal, the ego trip of having
someone who thinks I'm worthy of her submission, the delight of
performing depraved acts I shouldn't be doing to another human
being, the chance to let my inner beast run wild instead of having to
suppress it the whole time, the satisfaction of having someone submit
themselves to me fulfilling my need to dominate.

However its difficult for to see what the appeal is for a sub. If someone
tried to dominate me it would only piss me off and I would never give in
to them. Please enlighten me.

 

[blueyedheartbandit]

The appeal....

I am what is most commonly called a switch (though I hate that word, I much prefer the term "middle".) Being submissive to someone is, at least in my mind and heart, a gift to them. I bottem for quite a few people, but true submission comes from the heart.
It is the only time in your life where you can say "Here, you deal with it" and pass whatever is going on to someone else, you place a great deal of trust in this person, trust that they will keep you safe from harm, trust that they will do what they are supposed to do and take care of whatever it is that is needed to be taken care of, trust that they won't let you down. As a submissive you are totally protected and sheltered and safe. You KNOW that this one person has only your best interests at heart, and would walk through the fires of Hell to make sure you are safe.
Now if you go into the masochisitic point of view, you are talking something a little different than that. As a masochist (which I am) it is a rush, pure and simple. Pain *shudders* oooh my, what a joy that is. They say there is a fine line between pleasure and pain, and once you learn how to cross it, you become something else. I use pain for many reasons, to vent, to cry, to achieve peace inside are just a few. When I am cuffed to that cross having the ever loving hell whipped out of me, I can scream and yell, curse and rant and rave, cry my eyes out, throw a fit all the while the person behind me is saying "Yes, yes precious, let it all out." I know that they accept me for what I am and who I am, that they don't judge me no matter what it is that I like.
You also have fear...you KNOW in your heart that this person won't do more than you want them to, but in the back of your mind you are wondering the whole time, what if ...what if they don't honor the safe word, what if they do something they know I'll hate...to me fear is a big part of the appeal, the fantasy. I've been into BDSM for 12, nearly 13 years..and the fear factor is still there for me.
I love to play, I love giving over control for even a short amount of time, I love putting myself into someone else's hands allowing them to do "as they please" (within my limits of course) to me.
If you've never been a sub, or bottem, or masochist, it's hard to explain what exactly it is that makes you want it so much, but I can tell you that in a lot of cases, it's not a want to, it's a have to have. I AM a masochist, I NEED the pain, I thrive on it.
Well anyway, hope that helped a little bit?


Bandit's heart boo

 

[RoughPlay]

Hi blueyedheartbandit. Thank you for your in depth and thoughtful
reply.

The thought of you cuffed to a cross and having the loving hell
whipped out of you is such a beautiful image.

Could you say what it is that you like about fear. For example does
it heighten your senses and make you feel more alive ?

 

[blueyedheartbandit]

My pleasure...

You're quite welcome


Fear *shivering* mmmmmmmm
to me it is the nexus of what I am. I have found that I can't play with someone I don't fear, it just isn't the same. It's hard to explain really, I KNOW they won't hurt hurt me, but I want them to hurt me. To me, fear and pain should run hand in hand.
Yes, it does make me feel more alive, it's like holding onto a 50,000 volt live wire, teasing God and Death all at the same time.
There is nothing like walking into a dungeon somewhere and seeing a person who just by their looks strikes that primal cord inside you, the one that says "RUN!!! That is an animal and will eat you to survive and not think twice about it!!" I have met only a few in my life time that do that, and I can't make eye contact with any of them *chuckles*.
One in particular I have only met with twice, he is no taller than me, but his eyes clearly say "I am hunter, you are prey" to me. I live for that fear, that trembly feeling that starts in your stomach and spreads outward until your limbs are quaking. GOD the excitement that gives me.
It is a rare and beautiful thing to have trust, love, fear and desire all wrapped up into one package. I don't know, it's like fear and my clit are all wrapped up together, without one, the other isn't quite the same. *Laughs* I love to play, I'm an attention slut of the first order, I love to be watched while I am being played. The biggest thrill for me is when someone who KNOWS I fear them approaches my husband and wants to play with me, just hearing the voice of someone who scares me can make my knees quake. I've been pushed into sub-space with words before. That is the appeal of fear to me.
And yes, I think it does heighten the senses, at least for me. You'd be suprised how loud a breath is when your adrenaline is kicking into high gear and you just KNOW someone is there..someone who wants to inflict pain on your person.
One of the greatest scenes I have ever had was when I was bound to a weight bench being played, the room was quiet except for the sounds of the crop on my legs and I opened my eyes and saw a man who terrifies me to my toes standing just to the side of me, tapping HIS crop against his leg, just watching. He moved close enough to me for me to hear him whisper "Don't close your eyes, you never know what kind of nasty thing will come up at you from the dark." I was done LOL it was over, my night was complete. He never touched me, he didn't have to. *grins*

 

[ownedsubgal]

hmm. this question makes the implication that this is something one chooses because it feels good, because it has some "appeal". for me, this is not the case. but then, i am a submissive in all aspects of life, and not simply sexually. it seems to just be the way i was born. all my life i have been meek, passive, eager to please, even if to my own distress/discomfort/pain. i have always found it nearly impossible for me to refuse people, for me to deny anyone anything, even when i did not care for the person or did not care to do whatever it was they wished. so, as a child i was always doing other kids' homework, even though i may have hated said kids and had plenty of work of my own to do. but rest assured they would get an "A" on those assignments, even if i would often have to take a lower grade on my own work because i always put the work of others' first. when i got a bit older, and became a sexual being, i found myself always giving in and yielding to whatever the boy/man of the moment wanted, regardless of what i wanted myself.

those are just tidbits of what it's like living as a submissive person, a submissive female...it's not something that makes me feel good, being sexually dominated. sure, sometimes it's nice. but that's not why i'm submissive. not for the pleasure i sometimes get from it. this is just the way i am. don't know how to be any other way. i could not fathom me as a Dominant...*giggling at the thought*

 

[Bikewer]

Not to get all academic or anything, but there's evidence to show that virtually all sexual behavior is at least built on, or influenced by deep brain structures and instincts that are our evolutionary heritage. (fundamentalists need read no further)

Much of our sexual response mechanism (at least the physiological part) appears to be "hardwired". If we look at our closest relatives, there is a definite tendency for dominant/submissive behaviors; this has been observed for many years by anthropologists.

So, it's not difficult to think that in the complex mess that is human sexuality, these natural tendencies may be more prominent in certain individuals.

 

[A Desert Rose]

What is it about being sexually controlled and dominated that makes
you like it so much?

However its difficult for to see what the appeal is for a sub. If someone
tried to dominate me it would only piss me off and I would never give in
to them. Please enlighten me.

Like it so much? What is the appeal?

You ask these questions as though there are options. There are no options. You are either submissive or you are not.

 

[Quint]

Re: Re: Appeal of being sexually controlled and dominated.

Like it so much? What is the appeal?

You ask these questions as though there are options. There are no options. You are either submissive or you are not.

I'm not entirely sure I agree, ADR. Well, I think there is truth to what you say, but I don't believe it answered Rough's question.

I could say "What is the appeal of eating Italian food? Why do you like it?" The answer to this is not "Either you are hungry or you are not." I think that's kind of what happened. Many of us are in relationships where we are lucky enough to fulfill our submissive needs, but many more are unable to be sexually dominated/controlled, because it takes two. It takes the availability of Italian food as well as the desire to eat it. Lots of submissive people settle for non-controlled sex, so it isn't like there is no option just because they are submissive. But the question is, why choose the controlled sex when there IS the option?

Now, to my answer. It really is the rush of it. Being controlled affects me physically and emotionally, when done well. I feel helpless and I exult in it. I hurt and I love that I'm being hurt simply for his pleasure. (This is where the "do I really have a choice?" question comes in--if you aren't wired this way, then you just aren't going to enjoy being hurt more than you want just because your partner wants it.) I feel challenged and fulfilled in ways that I have not experienced in non-controlled sex.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Certainly you can "settle" for lots of things.

But if you are true to yourself, there are no options.

 

[ownedsubgal]

Re: Re: Appeal of being sexually controlled and dominated.

Like it so much? What is the appeal?

You ask these questions as though there are options. There are no options. You are either submissive or you are not.

i agree with you here ADR. there are no options for a submissive. even when with a non-Dominant partner, you will submit, you will obey, you will be subservient, because that is who you are. one does not need a Dominant, to be submissive. a submissive is a submissive even among other submissives. i have been with male submissives sexually before, and i was submissive to them as i am with everyone else. it's not a choice one makes, or a way one decides to act/behave. it's just who you are, something from within that comes out.

i also agree with Bikewer that this Dom/sub thing is for many of us a leftover evolutionary development of old. a primal instinct and not a conscious choice.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Not to get all academic or anything, but there's evidence to show that virtually all sexual behavior is at least built on, or influenced by deep brain structures and instincts that are our evolutionary heritage. (fundamentalists need read no further)

Much of our sexual response mechanism (at least the physiological part) appears to be "hardwired". If we look at our closest relatives, there is a definite tendency for dominant/submissive behaviors; this has been observed for many years by anthropologists.

So, it's not difficult to think that in the complex mess that is human sexuality, these natural tendencies may be more prominent in certain individuals.

I'm begining to believe in this theory of the origins of BDSM more and more.

It seems to me that what you have in D/s is like an exaggeration of the kind of male/female sex roles you see in nature: the male as aggressor and dominator, the female as passive and submissive. It's as if people into D/s are somehow in touch with this primitive, deep part of themselves, and BDSM provides a controlled outlet for these feelings.

D/s sex always feel more intense and more satisfying to me, as if I'm making love with my whole being, not just my gonads or my head. The sub partners I have had report something similar. It feels like we're following some deep instinct.

I imagine that a lot of the appeal of being a sub has to do with relinquishing sexual control, something a lot of women have ambivalent feelings about anyhow. I also think that there must be something very flattering about being a sub. During play and sex, she's the one who gets all the attention, isn't she? She's the center of interest, and everything is really all about what she feels.

---dr.M.

 

[A Desert Rose]

I also think that there must be something very flattering about being a sub. During play and sex, she's the one who gets all the attention, isn't she? She's the center of interest, and everything is really all about what she feels.

---dr.M.

;-)

You got it, old chap!

 

[Netzach]

I'm a rather proud freak of nature then. That sweet surrender which supposedly defines my femininity always felt pukey. I am hard wired for the active, babee. Probably not in touch with my deeper primal nature, but thrusting happily forward in some civilizing and regal vein. Mush, doggies!

 

[Quint]

Certainly you can "settle" for lots of things.

But if you are true to yourself, there are no options.

I still would like to say "for some." I personally feel reluctant to define "submissive" as "submissive all the time with partner, regardless of other factors." I think that excludes a great deal of people who enjoy being sexually controlled but can live without it. Reading how many people chime in affirmatively on "Do you ever have nilla sex?" threads, it's clear that some people I think of as submissive do in fact choose to indulge that aspect of their sexuality or not at various times. This may not be the case for everyone, like you and osg, but I don't want to make a blanket statement and say that "if all submissives are true to themselves, they will be sexually controlled, no questions." Many find pros and cons to both ways.

 

[ownedsubgal]

She's the center of interest, and everything is really all about what she feels.

---dr.M.

it is?? i don't think my Master has received that memo, lol.

 

[A Desert Rose]

I still would like to say "for some." I personally feel reluctant to define "submissive" as "submissive all the time with partner, regardless of other factors." I think that excludes a great deal of people who enjoy being sexually controlled but can live without it. Reading how many people chime in affirmatively on "Do you ever have nilla sex?" threads, it's clear that some people I think of as submissive do in fact choose to indulge that aspect of their sexuality or not at various times. This may not be the case for everyone, like you and osg, but I don't want to make a blanket statement and say that "if all submissives are true to themselves, they will be sexually controlled, no questions." Many find pros and cons to both ways.

You have every right to disagree with me. I won't change your views nor will I try to.

I know what I am. I am not a switch. I am not a Dominant. I am true to myself. And the times I "settle" are the times that I am not fullfilled or satisfied. I believe that when anyone "settles" they are not being honest.

This is my blanket statement and I stand by it.

 

[ownedsubgal]

settling...

imo, a to-the-core submissive can't really "settle" to begin with, as far as their submission. sure, they can settle and be with a vanilla partner/mate, but that is not going to change who THEY are. being with a vanilla man, doesn't make you any less a submissive, doesn't make your behavior or your thought process or your ways any less submissive. i have always disagreed with the idea that a submissive is not submissive without a Dominant partner...when you're that particular kind of universal submissive, every one you are with is automatically the dominant partner, simply because you are always submissive regardless, just as you are always black/white/asian/female/male/whatever. it's as constant and beyond your control as the color of your skin and your birth gender.

 

[Seattle Zack]

Much of our sexual response mechanism (at least the physiological part) appears to be "hardwired". If we look at our closest relatives, there is a definite tendency for dominant/submissive behaviors; this has been observed for many years by anthropologists.

I'd be interested to know what anthropological studies you're referring to here; the research that I've come across tend to point toward exactly the opposite.

It's briefly referenced in that "Roses/Thorns" book, but most researchers now believe that our sexual imprinting begins at a very early age, perhaps starting as early as two or three years old. It's not been conclusively linked, but the studies I've had an opportunity to read regarding the inclination toward "kink" or "fetish" seem to conclude that it's much more a product of our sexual imprinting as our brains develop. Unlike the gay/straight studies, where physical differences in the brain tend to promote a genetic component, there's been no evidence (that I've aware of, at any rate) to support a similar conclusion as to one's tendency towards "kink."

It seems axiomatic that the male/female role model archetypes constructed during the brain's development play a large part in our sexual identity; perhaps the resulting behaviors might be misconstrued as having a hereditary basis.

--Zack

 

[A Desert Rose]

I'd be interested to know what anthropological studies you're referring to here; the research that I've come across tend to point toward exactly the opposite.

It's briefly referenced in that "Roses/Thorns" book, but most researchers now believe that our sexual imprinting begins at a very early age, perhaps starting as early as two or three years old. It's not been conclusively linked, but the studies I've had an opportunity to read regarding the inclination toward "kink" or "fetish" seem to conclude that it's much more a product of our sexual imprinting as our brains develop. Unlike the gay/straight studies, where physical differences in the brain tend to promote a genetic component, there's been no evidence (that I've aware of, at any rate) to support a similar conclusion as to one's tendency towards "kink."

It seems axiomatic that the male/female role model archetypes constructed during the brain's development play a large part in our sexual identity; perhaps the resulting behaviors might be misconstrued as having a hereditary basis.

--Zack

Have you read Jung, especially regarding sexual archetypes?

 

[english vicky]

Hard question. my partner is not truly Dominant, although he does please me in such a way most of the time when i think about it.

In the bedroom, he takes charge, he dominates me and i submit fully to him. he knows what i am and accepts it, although cannot always fully understand it.

Being dominated, especially during sexual play, is a most fulfilling, satisfying and emotional time for me. He has often asked me to take control, to take charge which i have done, but have found it extremly difficult. Not because i'm not confident as a person, but because i just cannot feel comfortable in a dominant role. i can't do it. it isn't out of choice, if it were, i would be better at being in charge...i just feel wrong, and unfulfilled.

Nowadays, he hardly ever requests that of me, he knows it will not give the results he would like.

Submissivness is something that i posess and have always posessed. Life has always been that way for me and i cannot change it. To me, it is not a choice, it is me and my way of life.

Sorry if i may have rambled and perhaps not made a lot of sense, i just speak what i feel.

vicky

 

[Seattle Zack]

Have you read Jung, especially regarding sexual archetypes?

LOL well of course I have; required reading for any high school freshman who thinks he knows it all, isn't it?

My intent was not to debate the origins of BDSM tendencies -- there are as many theories on that particular subject as there are researchers. Studies by people such as Stoller or D.J. Bem do provide interesting reading, although I don't really buy either of these two's conclusions. However, I think it's fallacious to assume that the practice of BDSM activity is inherently genetic -- Dom/sub M/f couples spawn Dom/sub M/f children -- when there's little or no evidence to support that contention.

On the other hand, I do support dr. m's broader contention that the origins of the D/s relationship may be a byproduct of evolution, although I've been ranted at before for this particularly (Gorean, some would call it) viewpoint.

--Z

 

[A Desert Rose]

LOL well of course I have; required reading for any high school freshman who thinks he knows it all, isn't it?

My intent was not to debate the origins of BDSM tendencies -- there are as many theories on that particular subject as there are researchers. Studies by people such as Stoller or D.J. Bem do provide interesting reading, although I don't really buy either of these two's conclusions. However, I think it's fallacious to assume that the practice of BDSM activity is inherently genetic -- Dom/sub M/f couples spawn Dom/sub M/f children -- when there's little or no evidence to support that contention.

On the other hand, I do support dr. m's broader contention that the origins of the D/s relationship may be a byproduct of evolution, although I've been ranted at before for this particularly (Gorean, some would call it) viewpoint.

--Z

I am going to take a shower and I will assume you are not laughing AT me, nor talking down to me.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I'd be interested to know what anthropological studies you're referring to here; the research that I've come across tend to point toward exactly the opposite.

It's briefly referenced in that "Roses/Thorns" book, but most researchers now believe that our sexual imprinting begins at a very early age, perhaps starting as early as two or three years old. It's not been conclusively linked, but the studies I've had an opportunity to read regarding the inclination toward "kink" or "fetish" seem to conclude that it's much more a product of our sexual imprinting as our brains develop. Unlike the gay/straight studies, where physical differences in the brain tend to promote a genetic component, there's been no evidence (that I've aware of, at any rate) to support a similar conclusion as to one's tendency towards "kink."

It seems axiomatic that the male/female role model archetypes constructed during the brain's development play a large part in our sexual identity; perhaps the resulting behaviors might be misconstrued as having a hereditary basis.

--Zack

This is a huge and fascinating subject all in itself--the nature or nurture question--and I wouldn't want to hijack this thread ( he says, hijacking the thread )

I myself was originally a stone nurture advocate, back when I was young enough to believe that everything in the world could be rationally explained. As I get older I beliece more and more that not everything can be explained, that some things just are.

I doubt very much that there are any studies supporting the "hardwired" concept of sexual behavior. I can't even think of a way to test this theory experimentally off hand. And yet I tend to support it, in large part because developmental psychology has been such an abysmal failure at getting at the root causes of human behavior. You find D/s practioners of all sorts and all sorts of backgrounds. they don;t seem to have anything in common.

We're finding that more and more of what psychologists have been telling us about personality development is just wrong, and more and more human behavior seems best explained as being biochemically and gentically determined. Look at schizophrenia, phobias, obession-compulsion, autism and depression. Shrinks once held these up as the very eiptomes of their theories and gave us elaborate theories to explain these behaviors. Now they've all been shown to have a primarily biological etiology and many are teatable with drugs.

If a behavior as complex and obsession-compulsion can be "hard-wired" into the brain--that is, largely genetically determined--then I have no problem thinking that D/s behavior also has its roots in the sexual biochemistry of the brain.

No doubt most behaviors are determined by both nature and nurture, and we are tremendously influenced by our cultures and environment, but from what I know and what I've seen, the nature theory of the origins of D/s makes more sense to me than the environmental theory, at least at this point.

---dr.M.

 

[Seattle Zack]

I am going to take a shower and I will assume you are not laughing AT me, nor talking down to me.

Of course not, DR, and I apologize if it came out that way.

It just made me chuckle, our quest for enlightenment when we're young and curious about our sexual desires and what a similar path many of us take -- we plow through Freud, wrinking our noses, then we discover Jung, who's a delight by comparison. Only after we get out in the real world and start having sex and struggling with relationships do we begin to understand the wide spectrum in between, and how complex it all is.

No offense intended, I assure you.
--Zack

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Anyone interested in continuing the Nature vs Nurture discussion, I've started a new thread:

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=201161

Now we can turn this thread back to the original subject. I beg your pardon for the distraction.

---dr.M.