sweetgirl666
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Dec 8, 2004
- Posts
- 437
Lol, a good friend of mine emailed me this once, dont know where she found it, but me and my cancer roomie have it posted on our door as a general warning 
Cancer 22 June - 22 July
Cancerians have mother issues that make Oedipus seem well-adjusted. They either want to marry their mothers, creep back into her womb where it's all nice and warm, or kill her. This usually depends on the phase of the Moon at the time. Cancerians are very affected by the Moon. And the planet Mars. And just about anything, really. Sensitive little fuckers.
Cancerians are old fashioned and conservative at heart, just like Jack the Ripper was. Prone to bigoted, judgemental behaviour, it takes very little for a Cancerian to decide to hate you for ever and ever and ever. You could be just some poor dude walking down the street asking for a light for your smoke. You could be wearing the wrong clothes or have the wrong job. No matter. Once a Cancerian has made a decision, reality and logic take a back seat.
But don't worry too much. Cancerians suck at revenge. Sure, they can fantasise about it for days on end in their creative little heads, but they're too lame to ever carry it out with style. Being the total wimps they are, the only form of aggression they can express is passive. If a Cancerian decides to hate you, they'll play the victim. They'll whine to their friends about what a bastard you are. They'll write bitchy comments about you on the internet. They'll find every way possible to let you know that they're suffering in the hope that you'll feel guilty. They'll cry and sulk and beg for hugs. They'll try to turn your own mother against you, because they know how much that would hurt them. The only way to stop this from happening is to go to their house and beat the living crap out of them. Don't worry about getting hurt yourself. Cancerians couldn't fight their way out of a paper bag.
Friendship
Cancerians are loving, caring and sensitive, and if you make friends with them, they'll stick to you like shit to a blanket for the for the rest of your life. The only way to get rid of them is with a restraining order. They love their friends very, very much. And, when I say "love", I mean "depend on" - deeply. They need constant emotional support and have the uncanny ability to turn everyone they meet into their own personal wet nurse. That means you, and any friends you introduce them to. They won't rest until all your closest friends are their closest friends, and are quite prepared to whine and sulk and break things to achieve their objectives.
They are generous to a fault - a seriously creepy, backing-away-really-slowly kind of fault. They'll give you things constantly, and expect nothing in return - so long as you define all your time and emotional energy as nothing. Cancerians are likely to get lonely and show up outside your house at two in the morning with a bottle of wine and a Monopoly set. You could call this being quirky, but you'd be better off just calling the police.
Cancerians are known for their great sense of humour, but the truth is they have a great sense of anything emotional. They take their friends through everything they experience - whether they want to or not. It's like being forced to take the same roller coaster ride over and over again - at least until that restraining order comes through. Cancerians are born bipolar. All babies born under this sign should be fed Prozac intravenously from the moment the chord is cut.
Love
Cancerians are possessive, jealous lovers. Remember Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction when she's sitting in the bathroom turning the light on and off over and over again? That's classical Cancerian behaviour. Their deep love turns to deep hatred in the blink of an eye, and when that happens you'd best pack the kids in the car and get the fuck out of there as fast as possible. But between the bouts of screeching and dish hurling, Cancerians can be charming and entertaining. This may involve elements of self mutilation and suicidal drug binges, but at least you're not going to be the one getting hurt.
When they don't get their own way, Cancerians are prone to sulking. Each Cancerian sulks for approximately two thirds of their life. Sometimes their sulking fits overlap. You know this is happening when they even refuse to speak to themselves (another Cancerian trait).
They love pampering and being pampered. Constant affection is essential in a relationship with one of these creatures. If they feel they're not getting enough attention, they'll let you know by not talking to you for weeks. If you ask them what's wrong, they won't tell you because they think you already know and if you don't know you don't deserve to be told, because you would know if you loved them enough. Instead, they'll burst out crying and immediately develop an eating disorder. Their weakness is their belly, so Cancerians either eat too little or way, way too much. But don't tell them that, or it's the sulking and dish hurling and self mutilation for the next three weeks for you.
When not completely drunk and drugged to the tits, Cancerians are great in bed. This is because they are passionate, and put lots of emotional energy into their lovemaking. This really sucks when you hire a Cancerian sex worker and they show up outside your house the next day with all their belongings. But since they're generally very good at oral sex and feel at home with a bit of pain, this may not be an entirely bad thing. Living with a Cancerian lover is like being a warden in a mental institution where it's encouraged to fuck your patient.
Cancer 22 June - 22 July
Cancerians have mother issues that make Oedipus seem well-adjusted. They either want to marry their mothers, creep back into her womb where it's all nice and warm, or kill her. This usually depends on the phase of the Moon at the time. Cancerians are very affected by the Moon. And the planet Mars. And just about anything, really. Sensitive little fuckers.
Cancerians are old fashioned and conservative at heart, just like Jack the Ripper was. Prone to bigoted, judgemental behaviour, it takes very little for a Cancerian to decide to hate you for ever and ever and ever. You could be just some poor dude walking down the street asking for a light for your smoke. You could be wearing the wrong clothes or have the wrong job. No matter. Once a Cancerian has made a decision, reality and logic take a back seat.
But don't worry too much. Cancerians suck at revenge. Sure, they can fantasise about it for days on end in their creative little heads, but they're too lame to ever carry it out with style. Being the total wimps they are, the only form of aggression they can express is passive. If a Cancerian decides to hate you, they'll play the victim. They'll whine to their friends about what a bastard you are. They'll write bitchy comments about you on the internet. They'll find every way possible to let you know that they're suffering in the hope that you'll feel guilty. They'll cry and sulk and beg for hugs. They'll try to turn your own mother against you, because they know how much that would hurt them. The only way to stop this from happening is to go to their house and beat the living crap out of them. Don't worry about getting hurt yourself. Cancerians couldn't fight their way out of a paper bag.
Friendship
Cancerians are loving, caring and sensitive, and if you make friends with them, they'll stick to you like shit to a blanket for the for the rest of your life. The only way to get rid of them is with a restraining order. They love their friends very, very much. And, when I say "love", I mean "depend on" - deeply. They need constant emotional support and have the uncanny ability to turn everyone they meet into their own personal wet nurse. That means you, and any friends you introduce them to. They won't rest until all your closest friends are their closest friends, and are quite prepared to whine and sulk and break things to achieve their objectives.
They are generous to a fault - a seriously creepy, backing-away-really-slowly kind of fault. They'll give you things constantly, and expect nothing in return - so long as you define all your time and emotional energy as nothing. Cancerians are likely to get lonely and show up outside your house at two in the morning with a bottle of wine and a Monopoly set. You could call this being quirky, but you'd be better off just calling the police.
Cancerians are known for their great sense of humour, but the truth is they have a great sense of anything emotional. They take their friends through everything they experience - whether they want to or not. It's like being forced to take the same roller coaster ride over and over again - at least until that restraining order comes through. Cancerians are born bipolar. All babies born under this sign should be fed Prozac intravenously from the moment the chord is cut.
Love
Cancerians are possessive, jealous lovers. Remember Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction when she's sitting in the bathroom turning the light on and off over and over again? That's classical Cancerian behaviour. Their deep love turns to deep hatred in the blink of an eye, and when that happens you'd best pack the kids in the car and get the fuck out of there as fast as possible. But between the bouts of screeching and dish hurling, Cancerians can be charming and entertaining. This may involve elements of self mutilation and suicidal drug binges, but at least you're not going to be the one getting hurt.
When they don't get their own way, Cancerians are prone to sulking. Each Cancerian sulks for approximately two thirds of their life. Sometimes their sulking fits overlap. You know this is happening when they even refuse to speak to themselves (another Cancerian trait).
They love pampering and being pampered. Constant affection is essential in a relationship with one of these creatures. If they feel they're not getting enough attention, they'll let you know by not talking to you for weeks. If you ask them what's wrong, they won't tell you because they think you already know and if you don't know you don't deserve to be told, because you would know if you loved them enough. Instead, they'll burst out crying and immediately develop an eating disorder. Their weakness is their belly, so Cancerians either eat too little or way, way too much. But don't tell them that, or it's the sulking and dish hurling and self mutilation for the next three weeks for you.
When not completely drunk and drugged to the tits, Cancerians are great in bed. This is because they are passionate, and put lots of emotional energy into their lovemaking. This really sucks when you hire a Cancerian sex worker and they show up outside your house the next day with all their belongings. But since they're generally very good at oral sex and feel at home with a bit of pain, this may not be an entirely bad thing. Living with a Cancerian lover is like being a warden in a mental institution where it's encouraged to fuck your patient.
