Anyone want to give me some feed back on my work? Looking to know how to improve

[Incognito_man]

here's a link to all my stuff

https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=6295823&page=submissions

 

[nice90sguy]

I like your style, but it's spoiled for me (and I'm not a grammar-Nazi) by your regular misuse of punctuation and quotes. It's not consistently wrong, so I guess it's just hasty writing?
e.g.

"Good idea" she finally said, getting up" get to it, I'm going to find a lake." She was still naked save for her black sandals.

Maybe read the section on quotation marks in this excellent how-to:

https://www.literotica.com/s/how-to-punctuate-like-a-pro?page=2

 

[AngelRider]

Can I just say, regardless of your story or theme, I just find the question honest and open.



There is something more sincere about asking for help improving than someone asking to review a story that details an 18 year old being bullied who needs his mother to step in and stop the bully (who happens to be black with a 7' penis) by dropping by the trap house to run a train.



Now you might think that was hyperbolic but it isn't.

 

[Incognito_man]

by dropping by the trap house to run a train.

I have never heard that expresion before

 

[AwkwardlySet]

I suppose I can offer you some thoughts of my own. So far I've read only the first Moonlight Temple story so I'll be focusing on that, with maybe more to come as I read the next chapters.

The good: You've got potential. You know how to create a certain atmosphere and how to use description to enhance the impact of a certain scene. The story is quite short to be a proper start for a series, but it can be used as a prologue for the future chapters.

The things you need to work on:

1. Your punctuation is a big problem. You got many commas missing and you even put some on wrong places. Punctuation inside quotes is non existing. In some sentences you put commas where the sentence should have ended by any sense. I am actually surprised your story managed to slip through, as Laurel can be a stickler for punctuation.

2. The way you construct some of your sentences is problematic. There are some confusing constructions where I wasn't sure what you wanted to say, although there aren't many of those.

3. The sex starts too abruptly. In my opinion, you should have taken some time to build up the atmosphere and the arousal and then deliver with actual sex.

Overall, you need to work on your grammar, considerably, but you do have potential and I personally like the premise and the theme of your story, so I hope you can work on improving and I hope to see more chapters. I am saying all this based on the first chapter only, so it is possible you have improved in the next ones. I'll try to leave some thoughts here for those as well.

 

[AwkwardlySet]

After reading the second chapter I can only repeat the things I've already said, I am afraid. Your punctuation is still bad and some sentences sound wrong because of that. You are once again rushing with sex, no buildup and too brief and non-descriptive for my taste.
You are also rushing with the story in my opinion. It made more sense to leave Alexios wondering about witches' intentions for some time longer, rather than learning what he was destined to do right away...

Once again, you describe well and you seem to have an interesting idea for the plot, so I feel you need to work on your grammar more and then take your time with story composition and not rush from scene to scene. You might want to offer Aphrodisia's POV maybe, so we can learn her thoughts and learn more about her character, if she was meant to be an important character in your story. Good luck.

 

[gunhilltrain]

I have never heard that expresion before

You mean to "run a train?" It means a gang bang, except each guy takes a turn, probably while the others watch. You know, one at a time, like cars on a train. Do you have a situation like that in one of those four stories? I glanced through them but I couldn't find it.

Speaking of spelling and grammar: you made a mistake in your post. It's "expression." Take your time to with these things.

 

[lovecraft68]

You mean to "run a train?" It means a gang bang, except each guy takes a turn, probably while the others watch. You know, one at a time, like cars on a train. Do you have a situation like that in one of those four stories? I glanced through them but I couldn't find it.

Speaking of spelling and grammar: you made a mistake in your post. It's "expression." Take your time to with these things.

The person replying to him was being sarcastic about some of the usual fare found here, and saying its refreshing he wasn't coming here with that type of material.
For any fledgling pervs I'll add to your definition of running a train which is correct with pulling a train is when its just oral.
I wonder if they meant "Trap House" though...that one is new, unless its not a commonly used slang and just made up.

 

[gunhilltrain]

The person replying to him was being sarcastic about some of the usual fare found here, and saying its refreshing he wasn't coming here with that type of material.
For any fledgling pervs I'll add to your definition of running a train which is correct with pulling a train is when its just oral.
I wonder if they meant "Trap House" though...that one is new, unless its not a commonly used slang and just made up.

I never knew there was a distinction between "running" a train and "pulling" one. There is always something new to learn on Lit. I had to look up trap house, and it's a place where illegal drugs are sold. I've never heard that one used in New York.

You can also "push" a train by having extra engines (called "helpers") at the back or even in the middle to deal with long mountain grades. I don't know if there are any sexual connotations. Sounds like it would mean anal only. I should try to get that onto Urban Dictionary where a lot of the terms are made up by the users. "Helpers" could mean all of the guys involved after the first one has had his shot.

https://trpmagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/trp-helpers-02.jpg

 

[lovecraft68]

I never knew there was a distinction between "running" a train and "pulling" one. There is always something new to learn on Lit. I had to look up trap house, and it's a place where illegal drugs are sold. I've never heard that one used in New York.

You can also "push" a train by having extra engines (called "helpers") at the back or even in the middle to deal with long mountain grades. I don't know if there are any sexual connotations. Sounds like it would mean anal only. I should try to get that onto Urban Dictionary where a lot of the terms are made up by the users. "Helpers" could mean all of the guys involved after the first one has had his shot.

https://trpmagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/trp-helpers-02.jpg

I'd say the sexual version of pushing a train would involve the fluffers you see in those mass gang bang vids.

 

[gunhilltrain]

I'd say the sexual version of pushing a train would involve the fluffers you see in those mass gang bang vids.

I must sound naive, but they show the fluffers too? (Gang bang vids are not my genre.) Might as well get some footage out of all that.

I have a character, a part-time prostitute, who has her own definition of fluffing. To her it means rubbing her bare buttocks against a guy's crotch until he comes. Often they are standing up. See the first page of https://classic.literotica.com/s/freshman-hooker.