Anyone know a Scottish joke or two

[Slut_boy]

I am the MC at a wedding this coming weekend. I busy working through what to say, but the groom is Scottish and I was hoping for any tips that could add value to the speeches. Not just with a flavour of scotch (is that a funny pun?)

Please let me know of any great weddings that you have been to and any novelties introduced by the MC that were memorable. At this stage I am wearing a kilt, and that's my only novelty that I have so far.

I would be extremely grateful to receive any help that you have to offer - wedding humour too.

 

[Silverlily]

Sorry, no Scottish jokes, but I do see a pool being formed to guess at what you'll be wearing under that kilt.

 

[Lajo]

Being Scottish, meself, i know what is supposed to be under the kilt..."nothing more than god graced him with upon his birth."
As for a joke...man walks into a Scottish pub and buys and old bloke some ale. The man is new to the country and figures the man would be able to spin a tale or two and tell him of the village.
"Ah ladee, that I ken. Thomas McDougal is the name. And do you see this bar. This beautiful mahagony bar? I built this bar with me bare hands. Cut the wood, shaped it. Sanded it. Carved it. But am I know as McDougal the great builder? No.
"Do you see that stone wall. That large and impressive wall? i built it with me bare hands. Stone by stone. And do the call me McDougal the great builder? No.
"And do you see that pier over the water. That strong and solid pier? I built it with me bare hands. Plank by plank, pylon by pylon. Am I called McDougal the great builder? NO!"
The old man took a big gulp of his ale and looked the man in the eye. "But, if ye fuck one goat...."

 

[BrainyBeauty]

Sorry, no Scottish jokes, but I do see a pool being formed to guess at what you'll be wearing under that kilt.

Kitten, I 'll take that bet and say 10 £

Now you folks have to decide did I mean the bet or what's under the kilt! So much for my Scottish humor!

 

[Isabella Thorne]

Is that a gun in your kilt, or are you just happy to see me?

Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: Two Scotsmen each pulling on a penny.
_________________
If it's not Scottish, it's crap.
~Mike Myers~

 

[Slut_boy]

Isabella,

I like it. But even more, I like the quote from Mike Myers - can you tell me more about him and the context please. Thank you very much.

Thanks too Lajo. I can see how that might have happened.

 

[Isabella Thorne]

Mike Myers did this skit on SNL a few years ago ... while he was still in the cast.

It was about a store (in the U.S.) that only sold Scottish things.

Mike was dressed in full Scottish costume and every time someone came into the store, he would say his slogan "If it's not Scottish, it's crap" in the hopes of encouraging them to buy something.

 

[Firesprite]

Mike Myers

Isn't there a Scottish-type wedding on his movie "I Married An Axe Murderer"?
I seem to recall kilts and bagpipes from something like that. I really enjoyed the humour in that movie

Sorry I don't have any jokes to tell.. hope it goes well for you!

 

[Isabella Thorne]

yea, you know i am convinced that Mike Myers is a Scottish Canadian ...

he also has that character Fat Bastard in the Austin Powers flic ...

he is obsessed with Scottish things .. lmao ... no seriously ..

 

[Dudley]

Ach, Aye..

There once was a Scot named MacGee
Who was fond of whiskey and tea.
He drank 95 cups,
Gave a couple of "brrupps,"
And died in his own warm tea pee.


Thank you very much.

 

[SimplySouthern]

Retail store here in NC called "Almost Scotland". If you want I can get you the name and number...they may have some info on something that might be helpful. They are great people and the store is really charming.

 

[Slut_boy]

SS my gorgeous friend, that is so sweet of you. But not to worry thanks - I am so far away. Although that is a good idea, there is also a Scottish shop here called "Rob Roy" and I'll try them. Thanks for the idea - I'll call them tomorrow.

SS, what is all this about your Bar exam?

 

[SimplySouthern]

SS, what is all this about your Bar exam?

Been there. Done that. Awaiting the results. Stay tuned.

 

[Rosebud]

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
1.Because wool gets caught in the zipper.
2.So the sheep can't hear the zipper.
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Why do Scotsmen wear Wellingtons (high rubber boots)?
Because they can hold the sheep's back legs in them.
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Englishman, Aussie and Scotman in a bar drinking beer. A fly lands in each of their beers.
Englishman scoops his out with a spoon and drops it on his saucer.
Aussie blows fly off in cloud of foam.
Scotsman gently picks it out by the wings, shakes it off, and says quietly, "allrrrright you little booger, spit it oooot!"
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Do you know how the Grand Canyon was formed ?
A Scot dropped a penny in a golf hole.
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Give an example for perpetual motion.
A Scot running after a jew.
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It was a hot summer afternoon, and all the scots were pursuing their favourite hobby - drinking whiskey in the pub. Suddenly, the door bursts open, and a man comes in panting, his tongue lolling and totally black in colour. " What happened , Mac?", inquired one of the regulars." Well, a bottle of whiskey fell on the hot tar road. " said Mac.
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Why do scottish people refuse to buy refrigerators?
They don't believe that the light will go out when you close the door.
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A Scotsman and a Jew went to a restaurant. After a hearty meal, the waitress came by with the inevitable check. To the amazement of all, the Scotsman was heard to say, "I'll pay it!", and he actually did.
The next morning's newspaper carried the news item:
"JEWISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND MURDERED IN BLIND ALLEY".


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What do you call a scottish highlander with four sheep ?
A: A pimp.
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The Scottsman comes to his friend in tears.
"My beautiful comb. I broke a tooth on it an now I can't use it anymore. What am I going to do? Now I'll have to buy another one."
"Well," said his friend, "you don't need to buy another just because you lost one tooth on your comb."
"But you don't understand.
It was the last tooth."

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There are four kinds of people that live in Great Britian.
First are the Scots, Who hold onto their children and anything else they can get their hands on.

Next are the Welsh, Who pray on their knees and on their neighbors.

Then there are the Irish, Who don't know what they want, but they'll fight anyone for it.

and last are the English, Who consider themselves self made men, which relieves the Almight of any responsibility!


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A Scott was walking along the beach when he happened to notice a bottle on the sand which had obviously washed ashore. Thinking that it might contain something of value (i.e. anything over 120 proof), he picked it up, and pulled out the cork. As soon as he had unstoppered the bottle, a leprechaun popped out in a cloud of smoke and other pyrotechnics. "Oh thank you for liberating me, brave sir," quoth the leprechaun, "I've been trapped in this bottle for 40 millena. In recompense for your deed, I shall grant you three wishes." "Wella now," replied the Scott, "I'd surely like a nice jug of fine country ale." Immediately, there appeared before him a large (7 gallons) glass container of golden ale; the Scott immediately opened this up and chugged it down, and then emitted a hearty belch. Imagine his surprise when as soon as he had lain it down, it magically refilled itself to the top. "Special feature," explained the leprechaun, "it can never be emptied! Now, what would you like for your other two wishes?" "Why that's a fantastic idea!" exclaimed the Scott. "I'll take two more of the same!"
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During a recent international sports meet , one of the Scottish track and field coaches was entertaining some friends and col- leagues in his hotel room. As so often occurs the libations were used up before it was time to end the festivities.
After receiving directions to the nearest wine/liquor store, the Scottish coach departed the party.

Upon arriving at the store, he noticed that there were only three or four people waiting in the queue.

Immediately ahead of him were two men dressed in military fa- tigues and heavily bearded. He overhead one of them ordering several bottles of Scotch and rum. Upon being told the value of his purchases, this fatigue dressed individual told the clerk that he was with Fidel. Immediately the clerk produced a book and had the individual sign for his purchases. To say that the Scotsman was intrigued would be an understatement.

The other individual in front of the Scotsman proceeded to order at least twice what his companion had ordered. Upon receipt of his total he also told the clerk that he was with Fidel. Same book, same procedure as the first fatigue clad individual.

By this time the Scotsman had figured he was on to a good thing.

He ordered bottles of this, that, cigars, cigarettes etc. Upon being presented with his bill he told the clerk that he was with Fidel.

The clerk told him that he could not be with Fidel.

"Why not?" said the indignant Scotsman.

"Because you do not have the beard and the big cigar." the clerk replied.

Pausing for only a moment, the Scotsman reached down, lifted up his kilt and proudly announced, "SECRET SERVICE!!!"


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Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it?
Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar, but if they drink it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while visiting, they always take three.

 

[Merelan]

Once again sweet Rose you are the best.

Or else you have too much time on your hands.

 

[Rosebud]

i have too much time on my hands...come here slutboy and give me something else to do with them...*weg*
here are some more hope you can at least use a few

Q. What's one thing you never hear people say?

A. Oh, that's the bagpipe player's Porsche.



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Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?

A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"



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Q. What's the definition of "optimism"

A. A bagpiper with a beeper.



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Q. What's the difference between a bagpiper and a frog?

A. The frog might be getting a gig. (Some South Florida Humor)



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ANCIENT PIPING JOKE: The lads are marching into battle, with the piper playing away like mad.............The enemy's arrows, swords and spears are creating bloody slaughter all through the Irish ranks................Ten men down, and the piper plays on................Twenty men down, and still the pipes ring out.

Finally fifty men have fallen, and the chieftain says to the piper, "For heaven's sake, can you not play something they like?"



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Q. The uilleann pipes are the only instrument declared safe by the National Transportation and Safety Board (NTSB) Why???

A. They have seat belts and an air bag.



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Man walks into a session with an octopus and declares that his critter can play any instrument in the room and $50 backs up his outrageous claim.
So the fiddler hands over the fiddle, the octopus picks it up and plays beautifully, $50 to the octopus. Same for the drums, the guitar and banjo....

Then the piper declares he is sure to meet the bet and come out on top. So he hands over his pipes and the octopus turns them first one way then the other, and not a sound comes out of it. The owner looks little nervous and asks the octopus whats wrong.

"Play it? I'm still trying to get her out of these pajamas!!!!!!!!!"

 

[Slut_boy]

Rosebud .... you are the best

Hey baby, that was incredible. Thank you so, so, so very much. I used one and one of the other speakers also used one of your jokes. Thanks babe *kiss*

The wedding was great - everything worked out so well. Little did the innocent married couple know about thr role that my secret "porno pals" played *wink*