Anyone else?

[Wishingbox]

I’m sorry to hear that. Very much echoes of how I feel. Unwanted, unloved, and not good enough. Affection given out of obligation is as bad as none at all. I get it for sure. Hugs.

It’s taken some time, self reflection, self work but I’ve gotten to the point where I’m confident that I know I am desirable and it’s not a me issue. But I want to be wanted. I want to be with someone who knows and enjoys their own desire. I want to partake and deliver for a hunger instead of having to stir it up and get it going.

It helped some identifying that she’s demisexual. She needs deep emotional connect but that only comes if life chaos is mitigated. If it’s to crazy, stressful etc she is too busy struggling to not be overwhelmed and therefore doesn’t connect.

I don’t harbor resentment for her being the way she is. Neither of us can change that. I can’t expect her to change anymore than I can want to be desired less.

Part of me wishes she would seek to be ok and understand it and trust that I love her in a million ways including when we have sex but that our desire type mismatch is excoriating and lonely at times.

I know I’m not a creep or sicko for enjoying what I enjoy. I just wish we could find a middle ground that doesn’t result it me being the socko. Lots of blame and shame for having a desire but never her for not wanting or needing things to be perfect for sex to happen.

 

[curvyjae]

Sounds all too familiar. It would be nice to get an I love you or a kiss without pulling it from her lips. An appreciation for spontaneous romance instead of indifference. An effort to show that I still have her heart. Sometimes it would be nice to just hold her until the storm inside passes or tell me that she still wants me.

He says I love you a lot. But love isn’t just words. But as many have pointed out perhaps I’m delusional on what marriage is.

 

[Wishingbox]

I guess my frustration is not that I need or even expect her to change. It’s that her limitations become mine and she seems totally ok with that but she doesn’t realize what that does to me.

It’s like “ew gross your a pervert for wanting sex or enjoy it you’re broken and needy but I’m normal and don’t need or think about sex unless everything is right and you get me worked up”

I don’t blame her for being how she is but she blames me for being how I am. It feels like a double standard.

 

[Wishingbox]

He says I love you a lot. But love isn’t just words. But as many have pointed out perhaps I’m delusional on what marriage is.

I think love is multifaceted and he probably means it in the way he loves which is probably great in lots of ways. But how you want to be loved and how he wants to love you don’t quite match up.

 

[often_up_late]

He says I love you a lot. But love isn’t just words. But as many have pointed out perhaps I’m delusional on what marriage i

You're not wrong. I love you isn't the same thing as I want you or I need you or I desire you. Love and passion are distinct and both are necessary, I think.

 

[mouthful6]

The messed up part of marriages on here are probably so for different reasons. For me, compared to what it used to be:

Loved... 100%
Affection... 90%
Appreciated... 50%
Sexed... 10%

At what point does it justify a change? Idk. But I identify with much of what's been said.

 

[curvyjae]

The messed up part of marriages on here are probably so for different reasons. For me, compared to what it used to be:

Loved... 100%
Affection... 90%
Appreciated... 50%
Sexed... 10%

At what point does it justify a change? Idk. But I identify with much of what's been said.

Mine is 10% loved, 10% affection and sex, 60% appreciated.

 

[Bbl87]

Just to toss my own hat in the ring...

We've been married 10 years, together around 14. Frequency of sex, and physical affection in general, has been a point of contention a good chunk of our marriage. It would ebb and flow, get a little better and get worse, but even at its best it wasn't where I wanted/needed it. But, I loved (and still love) her so I bounced between being resentful and resigned. It seemed to start right after we got married, like a switch flipped or something.

Every time I brought it up and tried to talk about it, she would get upset, and say I just thought she was a terrible person, it was all her fault, etc. no matter how much I went out of my way to make it NOT that. She always said I just needed to do more around the house so she wasn't so tired. No matter how much I took on additionally though, nothing changed.

2 kids later, nothing had really changed and not much prospect for it to, it seemed. She is/was as stressed as ever. We have to schedule our sex on Saturdays, which was at least an improvement but still felt to me like it was a chore she had to put on her calendar.

Recently, though, she's started trying to seriously address her stress and anxiety through self help, supplements, etc.. In the past month, she's initiated sex more than she has in the past year. I'm not 100% convinced it will last, but it's the most effort she's put in in years so fingers crossed.

In her case, it seems like her stress/anxiety combined with hormones (she has PCOS, we did IVF which requires alot of injections, etc.) basically destroyed any desire for physical affection she had. There were other "reasons" throughout the years, but at least in our case those seemed to be the core.

Not feeling wanted has been my biggest struggle through the whole thing. She'd usually get into it when I initiated, though she'd often roll her eyes, sigh, etc. making me feel like it was an inconvenience. Add that with rarely initiating herself, and it's hard to feel desired.

 

[mouthful6]

My wife: "Why don't you just masturbate more? You're putting it all on me."

Also my wife: "Why do you need to look at other women? Am I not enough?"

Also, also my wife: "Don't do that with me in the room."

 

[anonyplay]

He says I love you a lot. But love isn’t just words. But as many have pointed out perhaps I’m delusional on what marriage is.

Your not delusional, it should be amazing and magical full of romance and laughter. There should be passion that would burn out the stars in a summer sky and losing yourself inside another. There should be unbearable heart ache when you are apart for too long. I have come to know that love is sacrific; it's not a 50/50 give and take as we have always been told, it is 100% giving because

He says I love you a lot. But love isn’t just words. But as many have pointed out perhaps I’m delusional on what marriage is.

Your not delusional, it should be amazing and magical full of romance and laughter. There should be passion that would burn out the stars in a summer sky and losing yourself inside another. There should be unbearable heart ache when you are apart for too long. I have come to know that love is sacrific; it's not a 50/50 give and take as we have always been told, it is 100% giving because you cant take love it has to be given......and there is the great angst

 

[Wishingbox]

My wife: "Why don't you just masturbate more? You're putting it all on me."

Also my wife: "Why do you need to look at other women? Am I not enough?"

Also, also my wife: "Don't do that with me in the room."

100% this.

I think this stems a lot from expectations partners put on themselves. They want to be enough to be the source of your desire but simultaneously expect your desire match their ability to be the source.

As in input out level 3 sexual energy you should have a level 3 sexual desire so shame on you for having a level 8 sexual desire I can’t be a level 8 source….

 

[curvyjae]

Your not delusional, it should be amazing and magical full of romance and laughter. There should be passion that would burn out the stars in a summer sky and losing yourself inside another. There should be unbearable heart ache when you are apart for too long. I have come to know that love is sacrific; it's not a 50/50 give and take as we have always been told, it is 100% giving because

Your not delusional, it should be amazing and magical full of romance and laughter. There should be passion that would burn out the stars in a summer sky and losing yourself inside another. There should be unbearable heart ache when you are apart for too long. I have come to know that love is sacrific; it's not a 50/50 give and take as we have always been told, it is 100% giving because you cant take love it has to be given......and there is the great angst

This. This is what I want so bad it literally makes me cry.

 

[Bbl87]

This. This is what I want so bad it literally makes me cry.

I think one of the most frustrating things about it from this side of the relationship is that those with a higher drive are often seen as being demanding, impossible to please, etc.. In reality, at least in my case and I'm sure with many others, that physical affection is something I want to GIVE just as much if not more than I want to receive it. Feeling like the other person is not open to receiving that affection is rough.

 

[curvyjae]

I think one of the most frustrating things about it from this side of the relationship is that those with a higher drive are often seen as being demanding, impossible to please, etc.. In reality, at least in my case and I'm sure with many others, that physical affection is something I want to GIVE just as much if not more than I want to receive it. Feeling like the other person is not open to receiving that affection is rough.

Or when you give it, it is met with almost apathy. Example: this summer, I was desperately craving affection. I was about to leave on a trip. So I laid my head in his lap and he jerked and asked what I was doing. I said trying to get affection. He said “oh, okay” and patted me on the shoulder and went back to his phone. I think that’s the moment that broke me. I stopped trying after that. And now when he touches me, or kisses me (pecks not real kisses) I feel nothing. At all.

 

[often_up_late]

I'd rather have a fight than deal with that kind of apathy. The apathy and indifference is by far the most painful part of a suffering marriage.

 

[Jbird2]

Seems like a lot of people in same situation. I been married for 10yrs and she was a virgin when we met. I had been married before seems like the 10yr curse. But she loves to argue and bring back old crap that I have moved on from. She is a plain vanilla as sex can get and won't even let me finger her. It just seems impossible to get the same thing. Can two different people really come together long term. I am starting to wonder. I am originally from Kansas but now in Alabama and would ove to be in tn. I feel hopeless and lost. And seems like rambling.

 

[Bbl87]

Or when you give it, it is met with almost apathy. Example: this summer, I was desperately craving affection. I was about to leave on a trip. So I laid my head in his lap and he jerked and asked what I was doing. I said trying to get affection. He said “oh, okay” and patted me on the shoulder and went back to his phone. I think that’s the moment that broke me. I stopped trying after that. And now when he touches me, or kisses me (pecks not real kisses) I feel nothing. At all.

I feel you on that.

The leaving on a trip thing made me think, my wife has given me crap in the past for getting my hopes up on a particular day. Usually days when one or both of the kids are out of the house, we're ahead on housework, etc.. Conditions had to be perfect for her to consider it. So it was like, well, the perfect conditions don't happen often so yes I got my hopes up. It's not as bad lately, but still kinda needs to be near ideal for things to go down.

 

[Ironfan]

For me it's the always having to be the one to initiate any kind of sexual contact. Always having to be the one "doing" so to speak.

 

[mouthful6]

For me it's the always having to be the one to initiate any kind of sexual contact. Always having to be the one "doing" so to speak.

I either have to tiptoe through the tulips, and hopefully massage it just right. Or wait a month until she initiates. But regardless, anything over 30 minutes is crazy talk to her.

 

[anonyplay]

This. This is what I want so bad it literally makes me cry.

Me too kid...me too

 

[curvyjae]

You are not delusional. In the end my first wife's "affection" was a motherly kiss as I left for a shift at the fire house. And the same kind of emotionless nothing kiss when we went to bed. No cuddling, definitely no sex, and no affection at all.

The weirdest thing was one time about 10 years before I finally said fuck it and moved to divorce her I told her it was over and i wanted out. She cried, she begged, and for the first time in years she became a sexual dynamo. I mean we had sex in the car, on the couch, in bed, in a parking garage, and so on. We would make out in the kitchen while dinner was cooking and she would get so wet it was like she peed her pants and it would soak mine too. I agreed to give it a try again, honestly I was in heaven, wild sex, affection, caring about me and my life. Sadly within a week of saying let's give it a go she was back to her old ways and I was a confused idiot I guess.

This is what I feel will happen but I of course am going to give it a chance but also I’ve done this before. People don’t change like that long term so it’s likely just delaying the inevitable but we will do what we can! Lol

 

[Hipshot1554]

This is what I feel will happen but I of course am going to give it a chance but also I’ve done this before. People don’t change like that long term so it’s likely just delaying the inevitable but we will do what we can! Lol

Thing happens way too often, and I can never figure out why...

 

[curvyjae]

So we had the talk. Decided we were better friends than spouses.

 

[Ironfan]

So we had the talk. Decided we were better friends than spouses.

Sorry to hear that, least it's been done.

 

[friendlyguy1234]

Anyone else mostly happily married? Like your life is good- have good jobs, don’t fight, all appears well, but there’s just nothing there. No spark. No passion. Literally like living with a roommate that you share a bed with? You try and try to initiate things, go on dates, do special things for them hoping they’ll return it or there will be a spark or passion, yet nothing happens. What do you do? Stay? Leave? Stay and just find someone on the side to fulfill those needs?

I can’t be the only one?!?

I was in a relationship for 12 yrs. She was the world to me. how ever i was not that for her. She was abusive verbally and emotionally. I was more often then not a katy perry song. When we were alone i would try t o have some fun with her, only to keep getting, "maybe later". Which turned out to be a flat no. I tried to be the romantic. Bring her home flowers. Sometimes wine. Do thing for her. Nothing. I thought about the someone on the side bit. But in the end it isnt worth it. I cheated on a previous girl and still regret it. Thats been like 30 yrs now. In turn I was cheated on by the one im talking about currently. Personally my opinion is two thing. One try counseling. Two attempt to part on good terms.