Anybody "up" to critique my 2nd attempt?

[Ellie]

My second story is now on the site, and I'd just love to have you read it, vote, and maybe leave some feedback (if you're willing). Though maybe not as technically developed as my first attempt, this story is quite a bit hotter. In fact, I really enjoyed writing it. Thanks!!

Category: Exhibitionist & Voyeur Stories
Title: True Confession

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=42333

 

[fisher]

I enjoyed it

The sneaky, naughty yet innocent girl kept my attention
I had never thought of a womans wetness to be "slimy", but thats just a pesonal opinion.

I liked your first story as well, wishing only it had been a bit longer. Hmmm... perhaps a part two

 

[Impetus]

An interesting idea, but I don't think you pulled it off well.

For one thing, you lost me on the word choice. 'Sneaky' just doesn't conjure up the kind of imagery that I think you were going for. Sneaky comes across as somwhere between unnoticed and underhanded, one being not seen, and the other being cruel. For me, the chosen words just didn't seem to have the kind of *punch* that I get out of some other stories.

The story was short and a little sweet, but not quite sweet enough. It wasn't as arousing as some I've read, and the whole pool scene came, stayed, and then went abrupltly. Hard to avoid in a short story, but I think it did a disservice to the imagery.

I will say, however, that you did a nice job in setting up the story, what with the southern background and personal touches. That part worked pretty well.

All in all, not the greatest story I've ever read, but certainly not without merit or without promice.

-I

 

[Ellie]

In reply to Impetus

I certainly appreciate your taking the time to read the story, and I sincerely thank you for the constructive parts of your critique. However, some of your comments were quite biting and went a bit too far.

So far, the story has faired much better than I expected in the voting. It didn't require a great deal of effort, took less than an hour, and I had a really great time writing it! Thank goodness most other people are here to have fun--to be lightly entertained and amused. Whether you realize it, most people are not here seeking pieces with true literary merit. Perhaps you should either lighten up or visit a library for your future reading material.

As for your lack of understanding regarding the word "sneaky," I highly recommend that you get better grasp of the concept because it sure can be a heck of a lot of fun!

 

[Dragon60]

The only problem I have is that it is too short. Now if you tell a true story you can't make it longer other than by getting more descriptive, and too much description can be boring (ask any student of Dickens).

For me, the way to improve this would have been to elaborate on the original true portion of the story, adding fantasy

Good work though

 

[Impetus]

Spoken with monk-like restraint

You asked for feedback, I gave you feedback. I did enjoy your story. I have yet to read a story I did not like. Ever. You may disagree with my response to your writing all you want. You have no right to disagree with me.

-I

 

[Fairytat]

Ellie,

I read your story and felt like the others in that it was a bit too short for my taste. I was a bit put off by the "slimey wetness" part but ignored that in favor of the overall impact. It was a quick light read that suited my mood. I liked it and will probably read more of your submissions in the future.

 

[Masterslut]

My opinion

I can only say one thing --- more!

 

[Ellie]

Sorry Impetus...

I appreciate the "monk-like" restraint. I realize my response was a bit harsh, and I do wish to apologize. In actuality, the trigger for my anger was your assumption about the "imagery I was going for" and the fact that you had the audacity to actually define a word for me.

Sneaky is precisely the word I wanted. I used it to describe how the character enjoyed being stealthy in regard to her sexual behaviors of which her family and peers would find quite shocking. I do know what sneaky means, and my limited ability as a writer of erotica not withstanding, I have an excellent vocabulary and grasp of the English language.

Hey, I don't mind constructive criticism or I wouldn't have asked for it. I actually laughed my butt off about the "slimy" comments because they're right on target, and I just didn't catch it. "Silky" would have been MUCH better, and I learned from that.
Although, I've gotten a great deal of positive feedback and (so far) a pretty good rating, I was not offended that you didn't think that parts of the story "worked." I did, however, very much resent being "talked down to" by having words defined for me.

Again, I regret the tone of my first reply to your comments. I do hope you understand my point on this matter and that you'll accept a very sincere apology.

 

[Impetus]

Appology accepted, and since we're on the same page for a moment...

I took a few minutes to try and thing of a word (perhaps even the word) I was expecting other than 'sneaky' but I couldn't come up with it. Perhaps it is the best overall.

Ciao,

-I

 

[solid_]

Great story Ellie keep it up. Not bothered that it was short which seems to be the main concern of some that have reviewed it. After all theres only so much description you can add to such a scene.

 

[Sateema Lunasi]

feedback:

You have a very readable "voice" and you have done well setting up the woman's Southern background and her way of thinking.

I do think some of the word usage should have been different. Like "slimy wetness" is not arrousing but more of a turn-off, and I agree that the word "sneaky" sounded kind of weird, but I cannot quite come up with a better word. Overall it was a "confession" story, and my only advice for making it better would be perhaps to try rewriting it in third person narrative, simply as an excersize. You often get more depth with third person.

It was a good story. Not great but definitely points to you having promise as a writer. And for a second story, you are ahead of the game.