I posted my first story, My Story, about a month ago. I was wondering if anyone out there who has read My Story has any constructive feedback to share. Since this is my first story, I would like to use any feedback to improve my future stories. By the way, there is a second chapter to this affair in the works. Thanks for your help.
Any suggestions?
- Thread starter Storyguy
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Ray Dario
Literotica Guru
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Storyguy,
I just finished reading "My Story". I gave it a four, and I am a very tough grader. I only give fives when the stories are perfect.
Your story was very good, erotic, and well written. I wish that you had developed the characters a little more, expecially Julie. I would have liked to get into her head a little and feel what she was feeling a little more.
However in stories as short at yours it is almost impossible to really develop characters well. So I understand your dilemma.
Keep up the writing, I'll be sure to check on your listings from time to time.
Ray
I just finished reading "My Story". I gave it a four, and I am a very tough grader. I only give fives when the stories are perfect.
Your story was very good, erotic, and well written. I wish that you had developed the characters a little more, expecially Julie. I would have liked to get into her head a little and feel what she was feeling a little more.
However in stories as short at yours it is almost impossible to really develop characters well. So I understand your dilemma.
Keep up the writing, I'll be sure to check on your listings from time to time.
Ray
Whispersecret
Clandestine Sex-pressionist
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I was going to critique it, but I couldn't find it. You're a new author, so there's no author page, and your story is off the New Stories list. Didn't know what category to look under either.
If you as for feedback here on the bulletin board, it makes it easier for people if you post a link to the story.
If you as for feedback here on the bulletin board, it makes it easier for people if you post a link to the story.
Weird Harold
Opinionated Old Fart
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Whispersecret said:
Here's the story link:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=6059
I found it with the search stories option of the story index page.
The three story threshold doesn't apply anymore, all authors are listed in the authors list.
Whispersecret
Clandestine Sex-pressionist
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Well, there ya go. Caught being lazy. I just assumed you still needed three stories.
Thanks WH!
Thanks WH!
Thanks for the responses
Thanks for the tips so far. I'm currently writing another chapter to the story. I'm trying to develop the characters more (as suggested, thanks) and giving the story more length and more flesh, no pun intended. I would greatly appreciate any more suggestions, either on style, or content. If I use your idea I'll be sure to give you a preview of the story as I post it. Again, thanks for the responses.
Thanks for the tips so far. I'm currently writing another chapter to the story. I'm trying to develop the characters more (as suggested, thanks) and giving the story more length and more flesh, no pun intended. I would greatly appreciate any more suggestions, either on style, or content. If I use your idea I'll be sure to give you a preview of the story as I post it. Again, thanks for the responses.
Whispersecret
Clandestine Sex-pressionist
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StoryGuy, nice first story. Being the picky bitch I am I saw stuff I’d cut out—-extraneous words, stuff like that. I saw stuff that could be fixed, errors in mechanics, a lot of little shit. However, there was quite a bit that I liked. You write in a fresh style that is erotic, but not “Yeah! Suck my cock, baby! Take it all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” in style, if you know what I mean.
I liked the turning point when Jeff realizes that he sees Julie differently. That came across sweetly.
This sounded good to me. But I couldn't tell her that. I was still having a hard time seeing her as anything else but my friend. I didn’t really see why he couldn’t tell her that.
When they switched drivers, I liked how he did it. (I won’t go into details here so I don’t ruin the story for anyone. It’s a charming moment.) I got a great mental image of him and I thought that that little scene told me a lot about his state of mind and the type of person he is.
Sounded like I had not spoken in years. Love this line.
"I'm coming.", I shrieked. Yikes. It should be “I’m coming!” I shrieked. OR “I’m coming,” I shrieked. I’d prefer the former because shrieking begs for an exclamation point. I’d also not choose shrieked for a guy. A little too prissy if you ask me, but again, I’m a picky bitch.
Jeff didn’t come across as a university professor to me. He seemed more like a college student, so I was surprised when he reminded himself (and me) that he was a professor of English.
Also, Ray Dario said you should have developed Julie’s character more so the reader could see more into her head and what she was feeling. That’s tough to do when you’re writing in first person, unless your character is a mind-reader. I love being inside a character's head and hearing their thoughts, and obviously so does Ray, but don't ever violate the point of view you're writing in. Jeff couldn't know what she was thinking.
I hope this helped. Best of luck on your writing. May you get as much fulfillment from it as I do.
I liked the turning point when Jeff realizes that he sees Julie differently. That came across sweetly.
This sounded good to me. But I couldn't tell her that. I was still having a hard time seeing her as anything else but my friend. I didn’t really see why he couldn’t tell her that.
When they switched drivers, I liked how he did it. (I won’t go into details here so I don’t ruin the story for anyone. It’s a charming moment.) I got a great mental image of him and I thought that that little scene told me a lot about his state of mind and the type of person he is.
Sounded like I had not spoken in years. Love this line.
"I'm coming.", I shrieked. Yikes. It should be “I’m coming!” I shrieked. OR “I’m coming,” I shrieked. I’d prefer the former because shrieking begs for an exclamation point. I’d also not choose shrieked for a guy. A little too prissy if you ask me, but again, I’m a picky bitch.
Jeff didn’t come across as a university professor to me. He seemed more like a college student, so I was surprised when he reminded himself (and me) that he was a professor of English.
Also, Ray Dario said you should have developed Julie’s character more so the reader could see more into her head and what she was feeling. That’s tough to do when you’re writing in first person, unless your character is a mind-reader.
I love being inside a character's head and hearing their thoughts, and obviously so does Ray, but don't ever violate the point of view you're writing in. Jeff couldn't know what she was thinking.I hope this helped.
Best of luck on your writing. May you get as much fulfillment from it as I do.Similar threads
