Any Port in a Storm

[Bazzle]

This one, my latest story has not really got any love.

https://literotica.com/s/any-port-in-a-storm-6

I just thought I would share it here, see what I really did wrong with it!

Published in fetish, it has smoking and drinking!

 

[SyleusSnow]

This one, my latest story has not really got any love.

https://literotica.com/s/any-port-in-a-storm-6

I just thought I would share it here, see what I really did wrong with it!

Published in fetish, it has smoking and drinking!

Hi Bazzle. I can take a quick look. You want public or private comments?

 

[Bazzle]

Hi Bazzle. I can take a quick look. You want public or private comments?

Lets go public. The story is after all public! If I slit my wrists afterwards then so be it

 

[SyleusSnow]

Okay… you asked for it Insert usual disclaimers here that this is not personal, it’s about making the story better, I’m not a professional editor and so on. These are just a few hasty observations from a fellow amateur writer’s point of view:

It’s a fun concept but starts slow and with one big ol’ wall-of-text paragraph establishing character appearance, setting, profession, time of year, even the weather. Not exactly an info dump, but close. Try to spread these details across more paragraphs. No need to bludgeon readers with so much all at once. Short paragraphs work best for online reading, especially opening ones.

The opening also has me asking “why should I care?” Try to open with something that grabs readers right from the start – like some action or a compelling situation. Give them a reason to read further. Start the story as close to the action as possible… like where Murry is learning from Hicks about the missing women.

The opening paragraph also has a physical description of a character, partially done using the “looking at themselves in the mirror” cliché. Best to avoid that… it’s boring and overdone. If the character’s appearance is important, try putting them in a real life situation where others can casually comment on their hair, eyes, etc. But most often, leaving physical appearance up to the reader’s imagination is best.

Second paragraph, in addition to being a little long as well, has disjointed sentences/grammar/formatting issues that make it tricky to read. Example: “Her panties were red and covered in sequins, but no one got to see them. However, much she wished it was the case.” Works better as “Her panties were red and covered in sequins, but no one got to see them—however much she wished it was the case.” There are many missing commas, run-on sentences, dialog formatting issues and similar throughout the story. It could use a run through a grammar checker, but I’ll concentrate on the story and flow.

Describing her getting dressed also slows the story just when readers who’ve made it that far are still trying to decide whether it’s worth reading further. Is what she’s wearing and details of how she puts everything on really important to the story?

When Trisha asks if they’re “on a ship in a bottle,” she seems far too calm and accepting to learn they indeed are. I’d imagine she’d be a little confused, angry and disbelieving: questioning how that’s possible, her own sanity, whether she’s dreaming and so on.

Frequent repetition throughout. Examples: missing toilet mentioned multiple times when Trisha first wakes up on the boat, the bathroom window or windows is described twice in the same paragraph. “above the two sink white sinks”. And “Clearly thinking that there were two officers peering back into her cubicle ready to arrest her. Her hands instantly rose in the air. "I didn't do anything!" She whined.” – saying she’s clearly thinking about arrest is obvious when the character raises her hands.

Cutting down on cliché phrases would help the story: “jumped out of her skin”, “let her hair down”, “spend a penny” “A smile crossed her lips” etc.

Towards the end when Pam is by herself in the bar, the flipping of scenes between bar and ship gets more very frequent and the scenes shorter. Perhaps that's done to increase the pace, but I find it rather jarring.

There appears to be no motivation for Trisha to have sex with Claire. If they knew each other from before or built up a relationship while on the ship it would be more convincing.

There should be a section break (your three centered asterisks) before the “Pam coughed again” transition at the end, unless the point is to make the shift really jarring.

In these types of stories, there is often some event just before the transition back to reality: for example, Pam could hit her head on the mast, or faint when the bartender's giant face comes close to the bottle outside, or fall overboard and begin to drown screaming to the other women for help before waking up in her bed.

Final observation: in a short story (or any story, really), cut out things that don't advance the plot, reveal character or establish setting. This includes introducing characters who never appear again - Hicks, in particular, has a role at the beginning of the story that doesn't seem to add anything then disappears. The character could be replaced by some anonymous superior phoning or radioing Pam with her assignment to investigate the bar. Or maybe when she wakes up at the end he's in her bed.

Anyway, that's all I've got after a quick read through. I like the concept. Some editing would help make it an easier read.

 

[Bazzle]

Perfect!

I was a struggle to write it. I had the idea, and you've described the clumsiness and clunkyness.

I think I was leaning on the ending explaining all the issues and problems away...it didn't.

Thanks for taking the time to read it!

 

[lovecraft68]

FWIW, I don't know what your expectations are, but fetish-due to how varied the content is-doesn't generally get big numbers in general, and the smoking fetish has limited appeal, so the low response could be from those factors and not the story.

 

[Bazzle]

FWIW, I don't know what your expectations are, but fetish-due to how varied the content is-doesn't generally get big numbers in general, and the smoking fetish has limited appeal, so the low response could be from those factors and not the story

95% of my stories are in Fetish. This one has not got as much traction as others. I am being extremely niche. I think my writing style again flummoxed this one. It's all good.