Any other males have to overcome inhibitions to become dominant?

[yenark]

Alright...First off I feel really stupid and emasculated to even ask this, but I think there has to be other guys in my shoes or who have been in my shoes.

First off, I'm 31, male and recently divorced after being married for quite a few years. I've been with 13 or so women in my time, but only 4 of those have been relationships. Pretty much all I know of sex is with my ex-wife. Which I'm finding out was pretty boring.

I currently have a girlfriend who is very uninhibited. She wants me to be really aggressive, slap her in the face, choke her, role play, etc.

Anyhow, the other night -after a fair amount of drinking- I definitely did a bunch of those things. Bossed her around, told her she wasn't allowed to cum til I told her she could, slapped her (not hard), choked her (again not hard), etc. I've never done anything even close to any of that before.

Actually, prior to her I've never used the word cock, pussy, or cum with a girl in bed. I was actually surprised at myself for being able to do that stuff.

Anyhow, I'm struggling to be okay with this. I've always thought of sex as a loving, caring experience. When I did that stuff the other day, I felt like I was disrespecting her and treating her like a piece of meat even though she was totally into it.

So, basically, after thinking through this a bit, I feel like I'm really, really uptight. I feel like I should be totally into this and ecstatic that my girlfriend is into this stuff. But, honestly, I'm a little freaked out by it.

So, the questions are: who has dealt with this before? How did you work through it?

And to all you guys who are gonna tell me to stop being a pussy and just do it, thanks I've told myself that already...looking for something a little more constructive

Thanks in advance...

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Alright...First off I feel really stupid and emasculated to even ask this, but I think there has to be other guys in my shoes or who have been in my shoes.

First off, I'm 31, male and recently divorced after being married for quite a few years. I've been with 13 or so women in my time, but only 4 of those have been relationships. Pretty much all I know of sex is with my ex-wife. Which I'm finding out was pretty boring.

I currently have a girlfriend who is very uninhibited. She wants me to be really aggressive, slap her in the face, choke her, role play, etc.

Anyhow, the other night -after a fair amount of drinking- I definitely did a bunch of those things. Bossed her around, told her she wasn't allowed to cum til I told her she could, slapped her (not hard), choked her (again not hard), etc. I've never done anything even close to any of that before.

Actually, prior to her I've never used the word cock, pussy, or cum with a girl in bed. I was actually surprised at myself for being able to do that stuff.

Anyhow, I'm struggling to be okay with this. I've always thought of sex as a loving, caring experience. When I did that stuff the other day, I felt like I was disrespecting her and treating her like a piece of meat even though she was totally into it.

So, basically, after thinking through this a bit, I feel like I'm really, really uptight. I feel like I should be totally into this and ecstatic that my girlfriend is into this stuff. But, honestly, I'm a little freaked out by it.

So, the questions are: who has dealt with this before? How did you work through it?

And to all you guys who are gonna tell me to stop being a pussy and just do it, thanks I've told myself that already...looking for something a little more constructive

Thanks in advance...

Not being male, and not being dominant, no... but I *have* had to overcome a few inhibitions in accepting myself and my wanting to being on the receiving end of such.

Like anything that variates from your socially accepted norms, it can be a lot to get your head around.

She's wanting to be treated that way. Could you view the acts as loving and caring because it's what she likes? 'Being cruel to be kind' ?

What did doing that to her do for you? Did you enjoy it for her responses? Did you enjoy the rush of energy, power it gave you? Being able to work that out would help you know if you were or were not dominant, or if you were topping her. (And yes, there's a difference)

And when you do work it out, remember, it really is perfectly ok to not be dominant. You shouldn't have to feel like you should be totally into it and ecstatic that she wants it. If it's not in you, then it's not in you. And that's fine.

 

[eddie03]

I once had a girlfriend that loved abusive sex. She brought it up as the only thing I would ever do is slap her ass which to her was just like a bad tease. I didn't want to hurt her during sex and at that time I couldn't understand how there could be a be pleasure mixed with pain. None of it made any sense to me. We would have bets for sexual favors and I lost. Her request was next Friday I was to come home put on a ski mask and rape her. She said she would fight back and if I had to beat her into submission I was to do just that. She wanted forced sex that was rough and painful. I was going to say I no and welch on the bet, but then she gave me a sweet sad look and said, "Please, I really want this".

I was pissed off that I couldn't say no, and we agreed that there would be a safe word (zuchinni), and then she also that she wanted a word that would that mean more and harder (oh shit). She just told me to take out all of my frustrations on her and not to worry. Well lucky for her I had a completely shitty day at work and was pissed off at her for making me do this and on top of that she hadn't put out since I agreed to the bet a week before so I was horny and pissed, just what she wanted.

I was very rough that night and it was so odd but I could see that worse I treated her the more she got off. I was really another person and at first I was so disturbing to be using her in such a way and watching her get off on it and knowing a part of me was getting off on it too. I almost fucked it up at one point where I thought I had gotten out of hand she was crying I came to my senses and asked her about the safe word she just clenched her teeth and hissed "OH SHIT!" I turned into and animal as Lizzie mentioned I enjoyed the rush of power over her. If she wanted a bit of pain I would give it and the more I gave the more she got off.

I had more stamina than more and it was a wild night, when I had came for the last time she finally said zuchinni and while crying held me tight. I was trying to apologize but she told me that she had never had so many orgasms before and that the last was the hardest she had ever had. We talked about it and she told me how much she loved certain parts.

I don't often crave treating a girl this way but I did do it many more times to her and could do it again if this was what the girl truly wanted. The times with her are very fond memories.

So yes I think it is possible to learn sexual dominance and a darker side, it just depends on your own limits and how they compare with hers. Make sure that there are safe words so there isn't any question in the role playing aspect of it and give it a whirl. Sorry this was so long.

 

[NJFLOK]

Alright...First off I feel really stupid and emasculated to even ask this, but I think there has to be other guys in my shoes or who have been in my shoes.

First off, I'm 31, male and recently divorced after being married for quite a few years. I've been with 13 or so women in my time, but only 4 of those have been relationships. Pretty much all I know of sex is with my ex-wife. Which I'm finding out was pretty boring.

I currently have a girlfriend who is very uninhibited. She wants me to be really aggressive, slap her in the face, choke her, role play, etc.

Anyhow, the other night -after a fair amount of drinking- I definitely did a bunch of those things. Bossed her around, told her she wasn't allowed to cum til I told her she could, slapped her (not hard), choked her (again not hard), etc. I've never done anything even close to any of that before.

Actually, prior to her I've never used the word cock, pussy, or cum with a girl in bed. I was actually surprised at myself for being able to do that stuff.

Anyhow, I'm struggling to be okay with this. I've always thought of sex as a loving, caring experience. When I did that stuff the other day, I felt like I was disrespecting her and treating her like a piece of meat even though she was totally into it.

So, basically, after thinking through this a bit, I feel like I'm really, really uptight. I feel like I should be totally into this and ecstatic that my girlfriend is into this stuff. But, honestly, I'm a little freaked out by it.

So, the questions are: who has dealt with this before? How did you work through it?

And to all you guys who are gonna tell me to stop being a pussy and just do it, thanks I've told myself that already...looking for something a little more constructive

Thanks in advance...

Couple things I have to ask
1 How long have you been together. ow much of her background do you know. Reason I ask is that the human mind is a weird thing and if you are not aware of certain things with certain people you could turn a FUN night into nightmare reenacted or those marks that she wanted you to leave well now shes pissed at you and calls the cops.
2. Do you two talk about limits and discussed a safe word.
3 I assume this is a bedroom scene thing only.
4 There is a difference between Dom and being rough. They are really 2 different things they get blended because to many think that D/s means BDSM. My better half is very sub but hates pain.
5 Couple of no brainer points I'll pass along. NEVER play when you are angry at her or something/one else. Lines get blurred real fast.Not when you are drunk or stoned. Know what you are doing people get hurt all the time PLAYING.

 

[MasterPhoenix]

Eddie--That sounds like a good time right there.

Yenark-- Dude... I had my own issues to overcome as a dominant, such as holy shit I am getting off on hurting the woman I love. It took me a bit to reach the point of saying yea so... Now its like hell yea...

As for saying using the more taboo words, the thing to do is to use them. I know you said that you are telling yourself that, but it comes to this... words have power. And certain words have their own power. There was this one chick who would always get kind of squicked when I would use the word fuck. (For the action.) to her it was making love Basically, I like the power of the single direct word... have surprised her more than once when I actually got her turned on using it...

Like anything else, it is a matter of practice..

 

[eddie03]

That is great point NJFLOK my story was a bad example as me being upset got me to cross my inhibition but what I didn't put in that story was once the line was crossed my anger was gone. After that I realized that was a mistake and wasn't made again.

And I should have stressed more, the setting of limits as when we talked about it before hand I agreed to hurt not harm. Like I said before NJFLOK excelent post and yes people get hurt and hurt bad pushing things to the next level and mixing booze and drugs in to the equation. With that girl I spoke of in my story she was hurt bad after leaving me for Dom that could be more severe. She is fine now but she was a mess when her dad finally found her and rescued her.

 

[mercuryfrost]

I had a partner who after a long time being together decided that she was indeed a sub. But what that meant was that I needed to be the Dom. Now I am not someone that is ever rough with Woman and I find that people who berate or beat women to be disgusting. However being Dominant doesn't have to be about that. It all depends on the person. She didn't get off on pain but more about being directed and not allowed to Cum.

I think it all depends on the person but I am now exploring my Dominant side because of her interest in being a Sub. But its something that I am willing to learn to be able to experience more with her.

I must say it is a great feeling to be able to control her in the bedroom and direct her to either pleasure herself or me. And being begged to Cum... well that is just frigging fantastic to hear in my opinion.

 

[lil_slave_rose]

i am not a Dom nor am i male, but as a subbmissive i too have had to overcome feelings of "this isn't right" but yet it's SO RIGHT! i've only had one Dominant, and before i met Him i was completely 'nilla and had the same thoughts as everyone else about this lifestyle. it's taboo almost, and so looked down on that i couldn't believe how turned on i got when Him and i started talking about it. then i told Him i only wanted it a little rough in the bedroom. well, it turned into a WHOLE lot more than that. pain was something i never dreamed could be pleasurable, but it is, for me. as some others have said though, there is a difference between just wanting "rough sex" and BDSM. and Dom/sub does not always equal pain during sex.

your best bet is to talk to your girl about what she really wants. boundries, safe words, does she want to live this as a 24/7 or is just bedroom play? better yet, is this something you TRULY want or are you doing it simply to please her? for me, as MP pointed out words are powerful and the dirtier the words are during sex the more turned on i get and the deeper i go into a "space" of my own. down to being called dirty names. i think you need to read up and really decide if it's what you want and like i said talk to her about it. a Dom (a very wise one) once told me , communication is key, it's everything without it things can (and probably will) go very wrong. good luck to you!

 

[Stella_Omega]

I think your girl is really lucky to have found a guy who thinks twice about what he's doing! Even though both of you might not think so right now while you're working it all out...

You have gotten some great advice here.

 

[Dearelliot]

there is no limited time nor specific goals for this..I say work your way around with care so at all times you both get what you want...Many years ago my wife and I started with care... stretching the envelope...I will say what worked for her at 30 didnt work at 50 ...and that is a fact..people drift in and out of what they enjoy..

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

I get this. How to reconcile what you've been told all your life with the messy, real-life world of animal sexual needs.

It doesn't sound like these are kinks you've ever really fantasized about before. If they are, or if you're finding that you're really starting to get off on being dominant with your girlfriend, then things will probably take care of themselves. If you're like me, your Dominant Brain will eventually tell Mr. GoodGuy to shut the fuck up, stay out of your sex life and go back to reading Wired in the other room.

And of course mutuality has a big role to play. If you desperately want to blister her ass, clamp her nipples, tell her what to do, call her names, pull her hair and fuck her, and she desperately wants that, too, well...that's a lot of tonic for your indecision.

But maybe it does nothing for you, except insofar as she likes it. What's wrong with giving her what she wants on occasion (being a service top), and then calling in your chips later for whatever it is that turns you on – trapeze sex or dressing as a squirrel or escalator blowjobs or whatever truly arouses you? Fair is fair.

Lastly, try to remember that, like anything, it's all about context. If I were to tell you that as a teenager, I couldn't wait for the weekend so I could get together with my buddies and smash some faces, you'd probably think I was pretty fucked up. But if I then told you that I was talking about Friday night football games where I excelled as an All-State high school linebacker, the context would make you think of the situation very differently. [Note: I was not an All-State high school linebacker].

 

[finesse910]

my significant other has been kinda dealing with the same concern. Though, his comes from his ex-fiancee who told people (even his mother) that he was abusive, even though he wasn't.

I'd talk to her about it, if you haven't. It's a little hard to talk about at first, but it gets easier. I think she'd be more than willing to help you ease into it. That's what I'm doing anyway- there are certain things that my significant is really not comfortable doing, but other things come easier to him. It's a gradual process and if she's going to be pushy- you can even assert your dominance insisting that she do it your way some times.

Best of luck!

 

[Emerald_Lilly]

I commend you for trying to find answers to make your relationship stronger. I am submissive (small s) in the bedroom and wish I could also be out of the bedroom and wish I had the opportunity to live as a Submissive. DH is rather controlling in day-to-day life, but not in the bedroom. But I really wish he was dominant (actually I wish he was a Dom). So, those gentlemen who posted that they are learning to explore a need for their women, I really admire you!

 

[mercuryfrost]

There have been some great responses here. Hopefully the OP gets something positive to take away from it. But I would have to think the best thing you can do is talk it over. Keep an open mind and work out some common boundaries. Make sure you have a safe word so that if it gets to much for either of you then you can stop.

Best of all Have fun with it. Its not nasty or disgusting if you are both enjoying yourself.

 

[BiBunny]

Anybody can be trained to Top and have kinky sex. Being dominant, however, is something you either are or are not. You don't "become" dominant.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I'm finding it a little odd. I think I must have read that post differently to everyone else.

Most of everyone seem to have gotten onto the 'reconciling my dominant feelings with what I've been raised to believe' vibe. I never got that at all. Despite the actual title of the post, the post itself gave me a 'I feel like I'm supposed to be happy and want to do this, but I'm not cos it's freaking me out' feeling.

Either way, some good stuff has been thrown around.

Come back OP! tell us what else is going on in your head!

 

[YourCaptor]

Sex can be a lot of things. It can be a tender loving thing, other times it can be a fuck you bitch wash now your gonna pay.

Just do whatever.

You got to be in the mood though. So if aggression just doesn't seem good at all, wait a day, see how you feel then.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

I'm finding it a little odd. I think I must have read that post differently to everyone else.

Most of everyone seem to have gotten onto the 'reconciling my dominant feelings with what I've been raised to believe' vibe. I never got that at all. Despite the actual title of the post, the post itself gave me a 'I feel like I'm supposed to be happy and want to do this, but I'm not cos it's freaking me out' feeling.

Either way, some good stuff has been thrown around.

Come back OP! tell us what else is going on in your head!

Yeah. He sounds miserable. He says he was surprised at himself, but never mentions any pleasure or rush from the dominant behavior.

My theory is she's really hot.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Yeah. He sounds miserable. He says he was surprised at himself, but never mentions any pleasure or rush from the dominant behavior.

My theory is she's really hot.

Given that he had to be drunk to bring himself to it, I'm tending to agree.

(yes, I'm disregarding the bad juju related to drink-playing, cos that lecture is old hat)

 

[mercuryfrost]

I agree that it seems the OP was not into it at all. But is questioning if he "should" be into it. We all are aroused by different things, but its important that they talk through these issues and come to an understanding. I dont think being Dominant is something that you can learn, but as they say being a Top is indeed something I believe you can learn. From my readings here and elsewhere there are some very large differences betwen the different interpretations of what people thing about being Dominant, submissive, BDSM, etc but that is indeed for another thread. To the OP please come back and update us all on how things are going.

 

[Thomasoir]

If you're both enjoying it then it's all good. Explore, experiment.

And don't forget to use a Safe Word

 

[Netzach]

You like what you like. Did this enhance your boner? Y or N.

If it did, then you're uptight, and you seem to be figuring out how not to be - kudos.

If it didn't then you are indulging your GF big time. That's also commendable, provided you dont lose yourself in the process. If you're constantly trying to be something and do something and put on a performance, that's probably not a sex life you want.