Any other "caregivers" to an ill spouse?

[Uncle South Loop]

I'm curious if there are any others like me. My wife of 31 years has unfortunately been physically impaired by numerous health problems.

The sexual intimacy we once both enjoyed is no longer and I've had to change from husband/lover to husband/caregiver. I REALLY miss it. She knows I do and feels badly about the loss too, but not willing to appove of my seeking another woman to satisfy my needs. I'm coping with masterbation and writing erotic stories. They help but will never compare to the real thing.

anyone else have a similar problem?

 

[Missingmeds]

Uncle, I am sorry for your loss...and that is what it is and believe it or not, you are grieving about it and over the loss.

I am glad to hear that you found some outlets.

But don't become a matryr. That becomes easy to do and one can become co dependent on someone else. I know, been there and done that.

I ended my marriage of 15 years because I simply couldn't live like that any longer. Was it a good thing? Damned right it was.
At least for me....but then I was dealing with an mental illness issue that he had.

 

[fleshvice]

I'm in that same situation too. Although my sex life has not completely ended, it is barely alive. If I'm lucky, 2-3 times a month.

It's tough to deal with, as I'm a male in my early 30's, and my wife is a great looking woman in her later 30's. But as good looking as she is, she is sick and suffers from depression. And the 2 of those equal NO sex drive what so ever.

I too look for places like this to help ease the tension and help with masterbation. I've never cheated on her, but it grows harder to deal with. Good luck to you.

 

[bob69_bob6969]

I too am in the same situation, maybe getting it ever month or three. After over 25 years of mariage, I spend a lot of time careing for her and her numerous medical problems. So I also spend much time reading lit and masturbating.

 

[Scubadude]

Count me in this group. My wife of 25 years is a lifelong diabetic with all the complications that go along with it, including advanced heart disease. Five years ago she was crippled by cellulitus. On the average, she sleeps 20 hours a day thanks to medications and is totally dependent on my caregiver abilities. The sex life died well over five years ago. Sometime in 1999 I believe.

I may not be as honorable as the rest of you. I've had a couple affairs. I may not be proud of my weakness, but at the same time I don't feel guilty about having them. I truly cared for my mistresses and we filled the sexual voids in each others life. I won't think twice about doing it again should the situation presents itself.

As far as my wife is concerned, I still love her very much and will stand by her to the very end. Whether that's in a week or in 20 years. But at the same time, I don't feel like I should be punished or have to stop living just because of a damn illness that I have no control over.

Anyway, I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one with these problems. I've been looking on the web for support groups for lonely, frustrated caregivers, but have never been successful at locating one. Literotica is the first place I've found where I can talk to people.

If any of you feel like talking then feel free to PM or email me. Since the wife sleeps so much, I spend many, many hours each day in front of my computer.

 

[Missingmeds]

I am just glad to see the thread started. It has alot do with some personal things that have gone on in my life.

 

[Pimamedic]

I too have a wife who is disabeld. She has fibromyalgia as well as hypertension. Her need for physical intimacy has flown out the window a LONG time ago.

 

[MissIntrigue]

Boy this thread...WOW what a winner here, I am sure this one will take off. Great subject but I am sorry to hear that you are all in such despair. I think each one of you are commendable for being faithful with your partners and spouses.
You also bring up a good point scubadude about you shouldn't have to stop living over an illness you have no control over. I think if everyone that wanted to marry someone and really loved them, they'd back off if they knew that 20 years down the road they'd have no sexlife due to their SO illnesses. And then there would be no marraige.
I see both sides of the coin here and I feel for you whether you're remaining faithful or not. There are ramifications to not getting your needs taken care of too. You will end up with burn out, and less self esteem, mood swings, only to mention a few which could actually bring on your own conditions for illness, including depression.
I imagine it's your own morals and values that you need to weigh to make your own decisions as far as the faithfulness, we are only using these bodies while we are here and the body has needs. Good Luck to each and every one of you.

 

[fleshvice]

Scuba,

I understand completly, and if I were in your situation I can say I would probably do the same. I guess I should feel lucky to have my problems....

It is a common thing though this day and time. I work with another person that has had a mistress for over 10 years, and still stays married to his wife who is sick.

It has gotten a little better for me lately, if you can call 2-3 times a month good. But at one time, it was more like 1-2 times every 2-3 months. If it were to all together stop again, I too would probably look to go Scuba's route.

 

[fleshvice]

MissingMeds,

What kind of mental illness? My wife is manic depressive/bi-polar. I'm not so sure if just the health illness has made her that way, or if it is some heridatory genes being passed down, or maybe a mix of both.

She has allways been moody, but when that bi-polar thing started coming into full swing.....WHOA! You never knew what you were coming home to....loving wife, corpse, or axe murderer!

Thankfully, that has subsided a little due to counciling and meds.

 

[Imgollum]

A good thread to have on here. Although sex is VERY important, a relationship is built upon so much more. You dont walk away or forget about all that you have shared with your best friend and companion because an illness or events come into play removes a level of intimacy that you once shared. The trick is to try and find ways to stay intimate, even when the physical acts are no longer posible. We must learn to improvise, adapt and overcome.

There are so many factors that come in to play that have to be delt with. The male ego being just one of them. The solutions to these problems will be as many as the people that have deal with it. What can make things hard is when both recognize that things have changed, long for the way it was but knows that will never be again. Our bodies may fail but the love that has been built can remain.

We all want and need to be made to be felt wanted, needed and desired, that is only natural. I wish those of you that share this situation all the best. Keep in mind that for you to be able to care for the one you love, you also need to have your needs met as well. How we do that will be varied.

 

[MissIntrigue]

Well said Imgollum

 

[Imgollum]

Thank you..... looks at yer cute butt and gives the thread a bump....

 

[Missingmeds]

MissingMeds,

What kind of mental illness? My wife is manic depressive/bi-polar. I'm not so sure if just the health illness has made her that way, or if it is some heridatory genes being passed down, or maybe a mix of both.

She has allways been moody, but when that bi-polar thing started coming into full swing.....WHOA! You never knew what you were coming home to....loving wife, corpse, or axe murderer!

Thankfully, that has subsided a little due to counciling and meds.

Well, let's start with the "not me" syndrome. No that is not the technical name but it seems to be a favorite among the mental health pros here for now. He also supposed suffered from depression. And a personally disorder of some sort. Not to mention that he couldn't leave the bottle alone.

All of which "was not his fault" because of mental illness...If I sound a little bitter, I don't mean too. I just no long trust anyone that has anything to do with the mental health field. If you want to know more, please feel free to pm me.

 

[HairTrigger]

I too have a wife who is disabeld. She has fibromyalgia as well as hypertension. Her need for physical intimacy has flown out the window a LONG time ago.

Same here -- fibromyalgia, rheumatoid arthritis, diabetes, heart issues, nerve damage, etc., etc. Closing in on 29 years of marriage, no intimacy at all for a bit over 6 years now -- she's in too much pain even with meds. Hang in there.

 

[todd62]

She is suiicidal and I have opted out - advice needed

I had a gf that have known forever and she suffers from depresion. as long as the relationship was ok she seemd ok but when i wante doput she got suicidal. while it sounds and may be very manipulative, to her it is real and she is in pain and thinks of ending it. I have decided to not get back with her but to try to help her by not abandoning her as a friend but she wants more and stays unhappy without it. Lately, as in the past, she threatens suicide. I visited her psychiatrist with her and the shrink/quack told me in front of her that as long as I'm with her in the relationship that she functions and will be safe but if I stay broken up that she cannot say for sure what will happen. I was appalled. Also, the shrink said there is nothing she can do for the suicidal urges and planning.

So...I am single but not entirely free of the trauma. A psychiatrist told me that she needs an intervention to get her to agree to go seek new hterapy by first going to the emergency room of a psychiatric hospital for an evaluation.

She has feelings of abandonment stemming from her father (and probabally some genetic predisposition also via dad). I offer to remain her friend for forever but she rejects it without the sexual component. I do not get it.

Anyone have knowledge in this area as I and her mom are in above our heads and we are worried?

 

[Missingmeds]

Yes and I was under the same threat with my ex...best thing that you can do is

GET OUT AND GET OUT NOW!!!

The mental health person that she is seeing is not helping her and is only contributing to the problem. This has nothing go do with abandonment issues and everything to do with her not being self responsible.

Her mother needs to have her ass committed and as soon as possible. Somewhere away from this looney mental health person. You are not responsible for this person. The system has made her this way and as long as everyone continues to handle her with kid gloves then she is going to be this way.

If you want to know more, then please pm me.

 

[HairTrigger]

Re: She is suiicidal and I have opted out - advice needed

Lately, as in the past, she threatens suicide. I visited her psychiatrist with her and the shrink/quack told me in front of her that as long as I'm with her in the relationship that she functions and will be safe but if I stay broken up that she cannot say for sure what will happen. I was appalled. Also, the shrink said there is nothing she can do for the suicidal urges and planning.

So...I am single but not entirely free of the trauma. A psychiatrist told me that she needs an intervention to get her to agree to go seek new hterapy by first going to the emergency room of a psychiatric hospital for an evaluation.

Anyone have knowledge in this area as I and her mom are in above our heads and we are worried?

I agree with Missingmeds -- save yourself first by getting out. Secondly, I would investigate the possibility of reporting the shrink who sold you that load. Lastly, I'd talk to her mother to see about an involuntary committal/intervention since, as the other "doctor" has stated, she cannot be prevented from becoming a danger to herself.

 

[SouthernBelle22]

Re: Re: She is suiicidal and I have opted out - advice needed

I agree with Missingmeds -- save yourself first by getting out. Secondly, I would investigate the possibility of reporting the shrink who sold you that load. Lastly, I'd talk to her mother to see about an involuntary committal/intervention since, as the other "doctor" has stated, she cannot be prevented from becoming a danger to herself.

I'm not too sure I appreciate the term "doctor", considering that I am in the mental health field, but I can understand people's hesitation to appreciate the mental health field because there are numerous people out there giving it a bad rap...but that being said....

This girl is a danger to herself and every threat of suicide has to be taken seriously, she needs to find a new therapist or counselor or whatever she prefers who is not going to enable her illogical need to trap you into staying in a relationship. I agree that whoever told you that you had to stay in the relationship to keep her safe should be reported. That suggestion is enabling her to be stuck in her irrational belief that you two HAVE to be together. Secondly, you need to get out of the relationship completely for the good of yourself and for her. As long as you are with her in any capacity, you are also enabling her to stay in this irrational belief system. Talk to her mother, get her help, and then fade away into the background.

 

[Missingmeds]

Re: Re: Re: She is suiicidal and I have opted out - advice needed

I'm not too sure I appreciate the term "doctor", considering that I am in the mental health field, but I can understand people's hesitation to appreciate the mental health field because there are numerous people out there giving it a bad rap...but that being said....

After 15 years of dealing with the ex-husband and the "mental health field" I can honestly say not only do I not appreciate it, I loathe it and most of the people in it.

Granted I only speak from my personal experience with it.

 

[todd62]

Thanks for your advice

I appreciate all of you who have responded.

I do not know that there is anybody to report this dr to and then so what? They will not take her license away and she can just deny it. Plus, it takes all of my extra energy to deal with the ex-gf and still have my seperate life.

Missing Meds, I will pm you later today or tomorrow and thanks for the offer.

Her mother was contacted by me and we are trying to organize an intervention to get her to go seek different help.

 

[Missingmeds]

You are most welcome. Pm and I shall see in the meantime what I can find out about what goes on in your particular area.

 

[again]

I'm really sorry if I'm rude here, but leaving your loved ones because they can't have SEX? Simply disgusting.
Maybe they weren't your loved ones in the first place. Maybe all you ever loved were their bodies and not what was inside.

Ok that's out of my system.

Still, people, consider! So they can't fullfill your desires. Isn't there anything else in life other than sex? What about the two of you watching the sunset with your hand in her's, or just plain watching the ball game together? Doesn't that count?

I'm no expert at this. I'm not married, and don't plan to be in this life time at least, but leaving your partner just because they can't have sex is revolting. What if what happened to her had happened to you? Would she also leave you and sleep with other people?

And don't pity or hate people with depression. They need your support to help them through their hard times. They don't need your pity.

Finally - remember that marrying someone for sex is like buying a ticket for a flight aboard a 747 just to get free peanuts.

 

[todd62]

again,

so sex is allowable to you as an attractor that leads you into a relationship but if it disappears you should just live without it? or are you saying to stayb with a person but have a sexual outlet other than them?

what if you chose wrong and have learned that you need and want other things? what if you are miserable? i think your absolutist point of view is narrow. should two people's lives be ruined because one of them is no longer able to have a normal sex life? sticking by someone is nice but what if all you are doing in that act is going down witrh the ship or enabling them? your general viewpoint is too broad and absolute in my opinion.

 

[again]

Just answer one simple question. If you, by any chance were to lose your capability of having sex, will you, by all the gracefullness of your heart, allow your wife to sleep with other people?

Remember, I do NOT wish to intimidate anybody. I just want to appeal to your caring side.