any ideas?

[lick_my_clit_69]

O.k. Here's the problem. I'm intrested in having a BDSM relationship with my husband, but he's not dominant at all. I'm the more dominant one in our marriage and frankly, I'm sick of it. I've brought up BDSM to him before and he's not willing to even try it.

Is there any way to turn a submissive man into a dominant man?

 

[niteshade]

I would think that trying to make a sub into a dom, or vice versa, is the same as attempting to change any other aspect of personality. I would suggest you talk to him about your desires... if he can't, or won't, give you what you want, then you will need to re evaluate your relationship, and decide if your love for him is more than your need to be dominated. Possibly, you may talk to him about seeking something outside of your marriage. There are some people here who have talked about switching, but I am not sure this is what you are talking about. You may want to check the library link at the top of the board for links. (There is your plug Anelize!)
Good luck.

 

[lick_my_clit_69]

Thanks

Thanks nightshade. I did talk to him about it again and convinced him to read some of the threads on here.

Part of the problem was, when he thought of BDSM, he thought of whips, chains, prods and hand cuffs. He thought I wanted to use all that on him. After I assured him that I didn't want to do that, that I wanted him to do it to me, he agreed to read a little about it.

I think he's a little more at ease about it now. However, he is unsure about the role of a dom and basically what it's all about and what he's supposed to do. Can someone try to explain it to him, please. Thanks.

 

[bunny bondage]

wow, that's a loaded question. i'm going to leave the explination of dominance to the dominants here.

but i will say this to the guy. have fun with it! are you going to be lying on your deathbed saying "wow, i'm really glad i never spanked my wife"?!?! no! so at least give it the old college try, read about it, learn about it, approach this with an open mind. i can tell you, there are zillions of people out there who love it, and there always have been. what do you have to lose?

 

[FungiUg]

O.k. Here's the problem. I'm intrested in having a BDSM relationship with my husband, but he's not dominant at all. I'm the more dominant one in our marriage and frankly, I'm sick of it. I've brought up BDSM to him before and he's not willing to even try it.

Is there any way to turn a submissive man into a dominant man?

Sadly, there's no real way to turn someone into a dominant. It's part of the personality, and if he's not interested... the chances are he will never be.

If it's something that you think he does desire, and it's just a matter of getting through some sexual repression, then that's a different story. You can work on gradually exposing him to more of the fun kink in BDSM.

But if he's not dominant now, then the chances are he will never be. Trying to turn someone into something they are not is, in my experience, a guaranteed recipe for heartache. So I'd recommend caution.

The role of a dominant is really to be in control. Sounds simple. In terms of sexual play, that means he would tell you exactly what to do and what not to do, how to dress, how to act, maybe set you tasks to perform, and so on. So he can "use" you to explore his own sexual desires and needs.

To do that, he may need to be forceful and, er, well, dominant. That means things like physical dominance (grabbing your hair, forcing you to your knees, spanking you, tieing you up), mental dominance (telling you exactly what to do, and never once backing down from it), verbal dominance (calling you "slut" for example, making you beg, call him "Sir" or "Master")... as well as sexual dominance (controlling your orgasms, requiring you to have anal sex, making you deep throat and swallow his cum, making you dress like a slut.)

So there's a lot to it. But it's all defined by his own fantasies. And if his fantasies aren't there... then no amount of pressure will generate them.

So be careful and don't pressure him into something he can't deliver. If you love someone, you need to accept them as they are, not try to change them into someone else.

 

[lick_my_clit_69]

May be "Is there any way to turn a submissive man into a dominant man?" was the wrong thing to say. It's not that I'm trying to change who he is in any way. I'm just trying to open him up to more exciting things.

We've only been married 6 months and things are already betting a little bland. I think he could have some dominant desires, but since I take the dominant role in our everyday life, I'm just hoping that we could change things around a little at least in the bedroom.

Anyway, thanks for the info. I'll have him read it next time I'm on and talk to him a little more about it.

 

[bunny bondage]

be sure to keep us posted! ^_^

 

[yaspis]

I suggest you star with little things. Talk to your hubby about trying to be in control of you in minor ways in everyday life. Try have him pick out your meal when you're eating out. If/when you give him head, ask him grab your hair and tug it to set the pace. Try talking him into maybe blindfolding you during sex, slapping your ass and so on. Buy a pair of furrie cuffs. They look innocent enough, but do the job.

Good luck on your adventure! (And keep us updated...)

 

[Daddyslilpet]

I've been where you are Lick, the key to letting your spouse know your desires is very open communication.

Like you I was in control of a lot of the everyday life aspects of our relationship, and blew my husband away when I told him I wanted him to dominate me. I think about the only difference between yours and mine is that my husband has a dominate personality to begin with.

Asking your husband to keep an open mind, talking things out A LOT, and both of you being willing to try new things are a good recipe for success. Grant you this all takes time and patience, trust me it won't happen over night, but in time if he discovers he really gets into this, then I know you will both enjoy.

Good luck to you both!

dixi

 

[slvjenn]

everyone here has posted some great advice. I'll take a shot too with the short amount of time i have before work...

What I suggest will be a lot like the old "topping from the bottom" problem, but to get him to try it i think it might be ok

First, I'd have something in mind that he loves, but isn't your favorite thing to do.

Second I'd not use terms that might scare him. Things like BDSM, Subitting, Dominating and so on might scare him with images of whips, chains, leather and horse people running around like on Real Sex (HBO).

I might tell him that for example if he likes anal, that i'd be more willing to do it if he "told" me to allow it instead of asking for me to allow it. Or that if he demanded that I go down on him it would feel more appealing to me.

While having sex (vanilla) I might ask permission to come. He's not going to say no I'd imagine, but just giving him a taste of control might help in opening him up to other things.

I might take his hands when he's on top of me and help him to hold me down. I'd prolly ask him to hold me as such. He likely wouldn't even associate it with any bondage, but it is a start. Maybe the next time I'd bring a couple of scarfs toand ask for one to be used to blindfold me. Maybe (if you're brave) ask him to tie you to the bedposts with them.

Maybe also start to talk a little dirty in bed. If you're having sex doggy style, tell him to slap/spank your ass. Tell him to "fuck your pussy" or whatever else might come to mind.

I tend to think that most men are dominant in some way. Even if it is suppressed to be PC. Allow him and guide him to let it show and you both might be suprised.

 

[WriterDom]

It may take some time. I wouldn't suggest hair pulling as an early activity. He needs to be reassured that this is something you want. And that it's ok to press your limits. I can tell you that a lot of women have been in the same position, and their efforts failed. But I don't hear the success stories so perhaps there is hope.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

Very nice slvjenn.

Practical, informative, and definitely doable.

If this doesn't start him down the obsidian path, he ain't walking.

Best of luck lick_my_clit_69.

 

[lick_my_clit_69]

Thank you all!

Thank you all for your advice. He is at work right now so it gives me some time to think about how I'm gonna approach him with this. We are going to do a lot of talking and I'll have him read up on it some more so he know's it's not as bad as he thinks it is before we start doing anything. You guys have given me some great ideas on how to go about this. Thank you so much and I will keep you posted.

~lick~

 

[FungiUg]

Another suggestion

Actually, this is how I explored a lot of my own sexuality -- through writing.

Either write some fantasies of yours down and get them to read them, or keep a journal of your erotic/horny thoughts and leave it somewhere he can just pick it up and read it.

Or if you're not up to writing, find some stories on Lit that you'd love to be the woman in, print them out, and leave them somewhere...

 

[lick_my_clit_69]

Hey FungiUg. You know, that's not a bad idea. I did try having him read a few stories a few year ago that had bondage in it and told him that I'd like to try that and he said he'd think about it. Well, I guess he forgot about it. I think I'll try it again. Thanks!

 

[lick_my_clit_69]

O.k. I talked to him and let him read some of what you guys said and he agreed to read up on it some more. I also told him that we will take things very slow at first. Let him get used to being dominant. Command me to do things here and there and then when he gets more comfortable, we can start adding a little bondage.

I think the main problem will be the fact that he doesn't have an imagination what so ever. So, getting him to think of things to do to me on his own will be hard. I'm going to try to find some stories to have him read. May be that will help a little. Thanks for the help guys. I'll keep you posted.

~lick~

 

[bunny bondage]

sounds like it's going well! (hey, at least he didn't run away screaming! ) there's LOTS of good stories in the bdsm section here, and of course i'd recomend reading stuff written by your favorite posters! (i'd also like to say that WriterDom has great stuff! he's the only person i knew of before i came to the forum)

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

O.k. I talked to him and let him read some of what you guys said and he agreed to read up on it some more. I also told him that we will take things very slow at first. Let him get used to being dominant. Command me to do things here and there and then when he gets more comfortable, we can start adding a little bondage.

I think the main problem will be the fact that he doesn't have an imagination what so ever. So, getting him to think of things to do to me on his own will be hard. I'm going to try to find some stories to have him read. May be that will help a little. Thanks for the help guys. I'll keep you posted.

~lick~

You may be very surprised at the man with no "imagination what so ever", once he gets to reading some stories and figures out what HE might want to do. Why don't you step back a little and give him some room? Six months isn't very long. How long have you two known each other? He may have more imagination than you bargained for, or perhaps just the imagination you hoped for, who knows? Don't rush into things, I think your idea about starting with the stories is a good one. Then just let things develop. You've been topping from the bottom for a longggg time, and you're used to it. If you truly want to be ON the bottom, start thinking about being there and try to relax a bit.

I wish you well, and by the way, like I tell all our new friends, have a look at our Library, it's full of interesting information that will help you along your path.

~anelize, BDSM Librarian

edited for spelling

 

[FungiUg]

Er, a word of warning: some of the stories you will read are NOT safe. So keep that in mind -- unrealistic expectations can result in medical issues!

Other than that, now it's time to have fun! If he doesn't have an imagination, then I'd suggest you work on the "menu" principle. Put together things he can do with you, divide them up into "training", "play", "humiliation" and any other categories you want, and then throw in ideas on cards in there.

Although I'd suggest before you put in any ideas, you get him to read them first, because they will need to be ideas that turn him on.

Anyway, just a suggestion. Don't be afraid to use your own imagination, because it IS a partnership, not a solitary hobby.

 

[Johnny Mayberry]

O.k. Here's the problem. I'm intrested in having a BDSM relationship with my husband, but he's not dominant at all. I'm the more dominant one in our marriage and frankly, I'm sick of it. I've brought up BDSM to him before and he's not willing to even try it.

Is there any way to turn a submissive man into a dominant man?

My guess is that you aren't very submissive at all, since you demand so much from your husband. If you were submissive, wouldn't you be happy to serve him, as HE sees fit?

 

[lick_my_clit_69]

You know, Johnny, the whole reason I started this thread was to get ideas to help my husband be more dominant which in turn would help me be more submissive. I'm the one who makes 99.9% of the decisions in our family. Call me old fashioned, but i'm 21 and he's almost 27 and I think he should at least help me make the decisions reguarding certain things. I'm sick of it, but I also wouldn't mind it as much if I had a release, you know. I would like for there to be a time when I can give up all control for once. May be I'm wrong, but I think there are times when everyone feels that way.

To answer your question AnelizeDarkEyes, I've known my husband for almost 4 years. We've been a couple for 3 and married for 6 months today. Now, I won't be as bold as to say I know everything about him, but I do know he really doesn't have an imagination. At least, he doesn't have much of one. I'm hoping that reading a few stories will help him a little with that, though.

Which brings me to you, FungiUg. Trust me, I've read enough of the stories on here to know that some are very hard core, but I've found a few that will be easier for him to fathom. I'm not trying to rush him into this in anyway. Like I said before, we're going to start off slow with him demanding me to do certain things and what not and then take it from there.

We had a long talk about this tonight. We talked about what kinds of toys could be used and what will not be used. We decided that I will call him Sir for a week and then Master for a week and he will decide which he likes better. Then, when HE feels comfortable to go further, we will. Also, when he thinks he's ready to start causing some pain, we're going to sit down and set limits, come up with a safe word or phrase and just talk more about it. Thanks alot guys. you have helped out a great deal.

~lick~

 

[FungiUg]

Thanks alot guys. you have helped out a great deal.

Cool... sounds like some progress happening there! Remember patience and don't rush things too much (although it sounds like you have that in mind anyway.) And let us know how things are progressing (what can I say? we're all nosey!) -- what worked, what didn't work, that sort of thing.

 

[Croctden]

sounds like it's going well! (hey, at least he didn't run away screaming! ) there's LOTS of good stories in the bdsm section here, and of course i'd recomend reading stuff written by your favorite posters! (i'd also like to say that WriterDom has great stuff! he's the only person i knew of before i came to the forum)

Who runs away screaming when someone asks you to spank them?

 

[bunny bondage]

Who runs away screaming when someone asks you to spank them?

i'd run! i'm not spanking anybody!

 

[Croctden]

Coward!

i'd run! i'm not spanking anybody!

Good, more for me.