Any feedback?

[DiamondGirlxx]

Hey guys

This is my first story I've ever written for public consumption:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=337110

I'd really appreciate some constructive criticism

Ch.2 is on its way - awaiting approval as I write...

Thanks.

Diamond

 

[CorsetLvr]

I just got through reading Chap. 1 & 2 and I loved it. Please, please... keep writing.

Its definitely what I would call an erotic thriller. My only negative was that there wasn't more of it. Its a bit of a tease, but then I suppose that is part of what you are trying to achieve.

I'll be watching for more.

 

[walkerlong]

Nice job

I've read both chapters and enjoyed them a lot. I like how you have taken your time to let the anticipation build. Very effective (in life and in fiction).

My advice - if you're interested - is to take it easy with the flashbacks. I feel like they distract from the here-and-now of the story. This is just my opinion, of course, and others may disagree. I can see that you want the reader to understand where your character is coming from, but I think a quick, vague mention of a painful breakup in the past would be just as effective - and wouldn't stop the action.

 

[Singularity]

I liked the story, for the gentle and unhurried pace of the character development, and the dialog. The fact that there is only a kiss is not a minus. If the reader makes it to the end of Chapter 1, then you probably have them hooked, and wanting to read Chapter 2.

With that in mind, I'll focus my comments on improving the chances of getting your reader through Chapter 1, and wanting to read more.

For my own stuff, I try to make the first half-dozen paragraphs as good and as elegant and enticing as I can make them, to encourage the reader to at least hit the 'scroll down' button at least once. To me, the first several paragraphs are critical to enticing the reader to want to continue with the story, and not back-click out of it.

For some readers, the titilation factor and the prospect of 'something steamy this way comes' is the hook. For others, it is the way the words and sentences are put together, and how they demonstrate whether the author is going to give you a well-written bit of prose (with the expectation that something steamy will ensue, along with the good writing, of course).

I'm of the opinion that while both are important, the second is just as important as the first. You want both those who are lusting after the 'good stuff' and those who enjoy a well-crafted and entertaining story to want to continue reading.

The reason I bring this up is that the opening of 'Walking the Dogs' raises a couple of red flags, on the editing side.

"OK, let's go then", I said to my dog, Max.

He was sat there right in front of me gazing at me with his big brown intelligent eyes, willing me to look his way, telling me it was time for his walk.

As I spoke, he bounced up and ran to the door, his tail almost wagging his backside off. He rushed back to me and then back to the door whining in his excitement.

First, I'd reverse the sequence of the first two paragraphs. Tell us that Max is sitting there, wanting to go for his walk, and then answer him. And it should be "He was sitting.." or "He sat...".

How about this, as an alternative:

Max sat right in front of me, gazing at me with his big, brown, intelligent eyes; willing me to look his way and telling me it was time for his walk.

"OK, let's go, then," I said.

As I spoke, he bounced up and ran to the door, his tail almost wagging his backside off. He rushed back to me and then back to the door, whining in his excitement.​

You'll notice that I added a few commas, and a semi-color or two, too. They can seem trivial, but they help the reader's eyes immensely in parsing through the sentences. As the author, you probably don't notice the difference because you wrote the words and when you proofread it, you already know what you're saying, and what comes next. The reader doesn't.

The rest of the story flows along nicely (I read only Chapter 1), and you do a good job of using dialog instead of only description to bring a scene to life. So, overall, a very nice bit of prose. Well done, and making the next one even better shouldn't be hard to do.


S.

 

[sr71plt]

Max sat right in front of me, gazing at me with his big, brown, intelligent eyes; willing me to look his way and telling me it was time for his walk.
[/QUOTE]

Right idea. Unfortunately, one of the commas that was changed to a semicolon was correct as originally rendered [. . . eyes, willing . . .]. Semicolons aren't used to tack dependent clauses onto independent clauses. They're used to link closely related independent clauses and to take clauses in a parallel series with internal commas to a clearer level of separation. Neither case is present here.

 

[DiamondGirlxx]

Thanks for your feedback so far - there's part two (with three to come) now posted for your perusal...

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=337901

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Diamond Girl, Welcome.

If you get sr and others arguing about semicolons (BTW he was dead right) and suchlike, you know you are on a winner.

I think you are writing a classic lesbian romance and I am loving it. Although I think your pacing is a bit slow at times - you do tend to dwell over insignicant parts of the story - the ambience and emotion is superb. The frisson of love, lust and nervousness is delicately played.

You write well and are a pleasure to read. A couple of minor points I noticed were;

‘when I was 15. I don't know how we didn't get caught, but somehow we didn't and it had ended when I came up to university at the age of 18.’

Better to write out fifteen-years-old etc. Somehow jars to have the numbers.

Same point – ‘a minute or so before two o’clock’

I know you tease and titillate us - you do it very well - but I feel at times you dwell a bit too long on certain points.

The first few paras of part one take you a bit too long to get you and Max out for his walk and you often do the same thing. No need to rush things, but a story needs its own momentum and you sometimes dawdle a tad longer than is necessary.

That said, I am loving this. Your dialogue - diffidence neatly encapsulated - is great and the shy development of the relationship is subtly done.

A fabulous first post, well written and evocative. Just needs a bit of editing to take out the lines that slow the narrative a bit.

More please, this is a beautiful lesbian romance. Congrats.

Elle